- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Voices of Damnation
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Authors Note: Okay, like my other submissions under poetry these are meant to be read as lyrics for the metal genre. Recently I have been criticized, and thankfully so, as I feel they may have helped me improve, even if only slightly. Hope you enjoy and without further ado, here it is:
Hear the words run through my mind
Fear their eyes as they haunt me
Bare myself for the world to see
Tearing myself apart at their word
Taunted, haunted, contorted
By their voices in my head
Whispers, blisters, the sisters
Of mercy cut me down, and leave me for dead
All their words in my head
Flashing before my eyes and I'm reaching out
To catch hold of lies they told to me
Now I'm left in depths of the sea of damnation
Telling me who I should be
Hair stands on end as their screams
Tear down the walls I hide behind
Prayers go unheard leaving me to be caught
They're coming for me again
Taunted, haunted, leave me be
My mind is breaking
Whispers, blisters, leave me scarred
Nothing left for me to say
I hear their voices of damnation
Whispering words of submission
This condition only seems to worsen
I can't go on without it anymore
I need to hear them once more
Again and again, this is the end
- COMMENTS
twelveooneabout 10 years agoas heavy metal genre lyrics they are fine, the problem is heavy metal genre lyrics or rather lyrics in general, they have to rely on at least near cliches. however here you are stepping out with internal rhyme
Taunted, haunted
Whispers, blisters, (well near rhyme)
not necessarily here but in songs try throwing some into the second person, ask questions, etc. works like a charm, in between the noise the audience hears themselves addressed.
I fived
Now the price for this invaluable advise is your soul. Just kidding. Go leave some comments on some other poor soul.
Trixareforkidsabout 10 years agoTaking off from Magnetron's comments, fitting the wording in to all theme to the sea would really work well here. The voices would then be those of sirens calling you to wreck yourself on their rocky shores. That would tighten up already good lyrics. Nice work by the way.
Magnetronabout 10 years agoThis was a vast improvement over the other two lyrics I recently criticized.
A suggestion though : the 3rd verse, you are in a sea of damnation. Instead of 'left in depths' you could strengthen the theme of water by saying something like 'sinking into the depths'. Prior to this, you mention 'flashing' which could be easily replaced with something like 'floating'.
It is little tweaks like these that will make your lyrics more impactful through engaging the listener's mind and activating the process of association - allow us to better visualize being in that sea of damnation.
