57

My life's twists and turns took me to a place of solemn inner comfort and allowed me to have greater control over life events than I could have ever imagined. I think it is important for older women to tell their story from the perspective of strength, confidence, and happiness. This can come from a variety of places, but for me it was primarily through yoga and reading. I have discovered living in ways I never thought possible, and have experienced wonderful and exciting things that, as recently as 5 years ago, would have made me bristle. My fresh look at life embraces adventure, risk, and excitement. I feel alive. I feel alive because I want to and I am taking control of things and this is the story of the rest of my life. I don't feel victimized by my earlier years but I certainly feel that my circumstances contained my passion. Now that the bottle is uncorked there is no un-doing what I've done and I wouldn't want to. My journey from conservative housewife to sexually liberated woman has completed me, and this is (part of) my story.

I am a 57 year old woman who divorced after 34 years of marriage and had to rediscover every aspect of living all over again. With my kids grown and my husband gone, for all intents and purposes I found myself alone. The friends I'd built over the years were couples friends and if you've never been married, extricating people post-divorce is just plain weird. A few people stuck by me, but most wanted to remain friends with both sides and given the awful circumstances of my divorce it was nearly impossible to show up at parties with him there.

So my choices were plain: slide into bitterness and depression, or embark on a journey to discover the self. I chose the latter.

After the divorce was final I decided to move to an area with a warmer climate and natural water of any kind. I knew that I wanted to be outdoors as much as possible to get into shape and enjoy what was the second major chapter in my life. Fortunately one of my kids lived in such an area and I moved about 20 minutes away from him. At the risk of sounding dramatic being close to Steve may have saved my life. A mother couldn't be more lucky to have such a good man in her life.

But things changed, or more correctly I did. I was the woman that raised my son, a dedicated and loyal wife that took care of her family all those years but the divorce changed me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Where I once devoted my heart to God and religion, I found a new spiritual home in nature, science, and the universe. Where I once dedicated my time to husband and family, for the first time I took a cruise, alone. Where I once doted on the needs of others, I found at the age of 55 I had needs, wants, and most importantly desires.

I am of Native American descent, about 5'5 with straight dark hair and brown eyes. I have an average build and I don't have huge boobs and I never thought of myself as a particularly beautiful woman until recently. That may sound sad, but I think the intensity of my beauty today eclipses anything I've ever known.

After about a year of introspection and self-analysis, I discovered the inner beauty that I possess and now it shines like a light from within me. It almost sounds conceited to relay the most basic things that happen to me nearly every day. Whether I am in the supermarket, the shopping mall, the dry cleaners, or out in my garden, men and women both feel the presence of an inner peace and sensuality that radiate from me. It's a spectacular thing to experience and I want to tell you about some of my experiences.

About 9 months after the divorce I decided to attend a yoga ashram for 3 months, and the day I returned is when remarkable things began to happen.

I took my car to the dealer to get it checked out and there was a younger man in line behind me. He was close by and heard the dealer explain that I would have to leave it there for a few hours, which was unexpected. I just smiled and said it was fine and that I'd find a way to pass a few hours. I sat down in the waiting area and leafed through a few magazines before I remembered that I had a book in the car. When I returned to the waiting area, the man was sitting down also. He introduced himself as Jason and relayed a similar situation with his car. It was nearing lunch time and he said he was about to walk across the street to a restaurant and invited me to join him. Jason was about 35, not much taller than me, average looking. What struck me most about him was his aura. In the past few months I had become more in tune with the energy and auras of others, noticing that first of all. He seemed like a genuinely good person and I accepted his offer.

The restaurant was actually in the lobby of a mid-range hotel and on such a beautiful summer day we chose to dine out on the patio. Jason was an interesting person and a wonderful conversationalist. He was well traveled, kind, intelligent, and generally a great person with whom to share a bite. As we talked time passed quickly and easily and I found myself becoming more attracted to him. Having been married for so long, allowing myself to feel these feelings was essentially a new experience because the last time such a thing happened I was 19 years old.

It is almost comical how we humans deal with such things, trying to coyly drop hints that we are available, or not available, or what have you. In a moment that I will never forget as long as I live, I decided in an almost dispassionate way that it was time to get on with living, and I decided to take a huge chance. I suggested that Jason and I continue our conversation in a hotel room, my treat. He was stunned for a few seconds and then asked what exactly I meant. I simply reached across the table and held his hand and said that I thought he was a warm, kind person and I needed spontaneity in my life. I'm not getting any younger, I explained, and I let too many days go by with regrets and the sadness that accompanied them. I want nothing from you, I explained, except a few moments of intimacy and to share the new passion for life that surrounds me.

Jason had a great sense of humour and said very loudly, "Check please!" which instantly put me at ease. I went to the front desk and got a room while he waited in the lobby area and we quickly and quite nervously made our way upstairs. I was still in my sweats and he in a pair of shorts and a tee shirt. For the first time in 30 years I proudly undressed in front of another man, comfortable with my body, smiling on the inside and practically giddy on the outside with the delights to come. Jason also undressed and was as excited as I was. I suggested we take a shower since I actually hadn't had time to get one earlier and like two teenagers we squeezed into the shower. Under the warm water he kissed me tenderly and I kissed him back. We lathered up each others bodies, dried off somewhat and made our way to the bed. Jason was on top of me, gently kissing my neck and fondling my breasts. He made his way down my rounded little tummy and began to nibble on the lips of my privates. My husband never performed oral sex on me and I only did on him when we were much younger, so I was in for the treat of a lifetime. Jason licked and nibbled away until I was flowing like a raging river. If I had ever been so wet and so excited in my life I don't remember it. He was spectacular and I climaxed hard and fast. I was still shuddering with delight when he stroked himself and asked if it was OK to make love to me. I pulled his slippery face to mine and kissed him deep, tasting my scent on his lips. It was a delicious moment and when he entered me I nearly climaxed again.

And what beautiful love did we make. For over an hour he drove deep inside me, gently, firmly. I experienced more orgasms that afternoon than I had collectively experienced probably in 5 years. He came inside me, and after we took a break for 20 minutes or so he was excited again. I took him in my mouth and he released, another experience I hadn't had for decades.

Almost two hours had passed since we left the restaurant and we knew it was time to go get our cars. We got dressed and he politely asked to have my phone number and email address. I said I didn't think that was a very good idea. I explained that I was 55 years old, and he was 35, and the best that we could hope for was that we would both run out of interest at exactly the same time. I said that I was grateful to him for the terrific afternoon, but realistically we weren't going to continue to have a relationship, so we should probably not. This bothered him and he said to at least take his contact information and if I changed my mind, give him a call.

We barely got back to the dealer in time. All the way home I thought about that wonderful experience with this strange man. How he had so passionately made love to me and how unabashedly sexual I was that day. I was shy about undressing in front of my husband sometimes, I recalled, when I wasn't feeling very beautiful which was most of the time. And today I dropped my clothes in front of a complete stranger without hesitation, with pride and confident sensuality. I had changed forever and Jason was a wonderful and splendid part of that transition.

That night after I showered I got out my new vibrator and ran it all over my body, reliving the afternoon again and again. Jason's phone number was on a piece of paper on my night stand. Every time I looked at it I remembered his face buried between my legs, the tip of his tongue dancing on my clit, his fingers separating my slippery lips while he licked away at my bud. I climaxed again, and again, and again, and again. It was wonderful, beautiful, pure, and simple, and now, at least I thought, it was over. I had never had a one night stand but now I saw why someone would want to do such a thing. Such encounters provide someone with a fantasty memory, a starring role in a blue movie that you wrote, produced, and directed. And to think I did this at my age at the time (55) picking up a stranger, a younger man at that, and making love to him for 2 hours in a hotel room. Again and again my body convulsed and bucked as I moaned in delight, my "little helper" vibrating away as I recalled the ribaldry of the day's events.

When I woke up the next day it almost seemed like it was a dream until I saw the vibrator on the bed and the hair of my vagina matted and sticky. The dull soreness of my cervix sealed the deal: I really did it. I didn't dare tell any of my friends although I wanted to. I wanted to show off and say, "Look at me. I am sexy enough to pick up a good looking guy at a car dealership! And a guy 20 years my junior at that!" I was in ecstasy that I had turned the corner, but an important detail was that I decided not to give him my number, but he gave me his. If we were to get together again, it would be my doing, on my terms, on my time line. That empowerment made me radiate ever brightly, which brings me to my next story.

About two weeks after my experience with Jason I decided to join a local garden club as a way to meet people and because of my general love of gardening. The club was mainly women in their 40's and 50's, about half of them divorced. We met a few times a week during the summer to do beautification projects in various neighborhoods throughout the city, and they really needed the volunteers. A few women I befriended, Tamara and Linda, were also divorced with no job, just like me, and they found this kind of charity work fulfilling and special. We lived fairly close to each other and would frequently car pool. Tamara almost always drove and would pick me up first, get Linda, and then off we'd go. The reverse would happen at the end of the day because Tamara lived closest to me.

One day Linda wasn't able to make it and the destination was much further than normal, compounded by the traffic going across town, so we had a long time to talk. She had also offered to have me stop over for dinner afterward and I accepted, so I brought my clothes with me to shower and change at her house.

On the way home I could tell that her energy level was low and needed a boost and I complimented her on how nice her tan was coming and that it made her blue eyes stand out even more. She thanked me but I could tell something was still bothering her. She explained that last week was the 3rd anniversary of her divorce and now that she was almost 50, she was feeling dumpy, alone, and a little depressed. Tamara was about my height and a little thinner than me, but she had really big boobs compared to mine. She had jet black hair colored to conceal the gray and she actually looked much younger than her 47 or 48 years.

When we got to her house I got my clothes out and she offered to let me use her shower. I undressed in her bedroom and was waiting for the water to warm up when she walked in. I made no attempt to cover up because I could tell that she wanted to see me nude for some reason, so I let her look at my body. She complimented me, saying that it looked like I was thinner now than I was at the beginning of the summer, which was true. Silently and without explanation she began to undress. I just smiled and raised my eyebrows waiting to see what was going to happen next. She slipped off her shorts and panties and tossed aside her bra. She was a very beautiful woman and I told her so. Her thick mound of pubic hair was neatly clipped into a perfect triangle and I said how cool it looked. I rarely shave or clip my mound and she asked me if I would like her to trim it for me after we got a shower. I laughed and said that was a great idea and we got into the shower like two schoolgirls getting ready to paint each others toenails. When I got out of the shower she motioned for me to sit down on the edge of the bed while she got her trimmer tools. I had never had lesbian tendencies before my divorce and even since then, but in this particular situation I found that I was getting excited. I didn't really think Tamara was, but I was not sure. Some women are very open about their bodies around other women, so I didn't read too much into the offer to trim my pubic area, although obviously this is something that you don't do every day!

Tamara returned with a tiny pair of scissors and a little buzzing razor thingy that trims it really close. She rested her hand on my thigh as I sat there naked. She asked me to spread my legs nice and wide over the corner of the bed and I did so. Now the excitement was no longer a secret as the clear, slippery fluid began to ooze out of my body. If the visual wasn't noticeable enough, the scent of my arousal erased all doubt that I was finding this scene very sexy and erotic. Tamara began to clip and trim away my dark brown pubic hair. As she gently pressed and tugged at my labia to neaten up my mound, my excitement began to boil over. She looked at me in the eye and asked me if I was excited. I nodded and she dipped her finger into my tiny trail of juices and raised her finger to her mouth. She closed her eyes and tasted it and I moaned in ecstasy. She asked if she could taste me "for real" and I nodded silently and leaned back on the bed, legs spread wide. It was amazing to me that in 35 years I never had oral sex performed on me and in the span of 2 weeks I had it twice! Tamara was wonderful and gentle and giggly and tender. She said she had never done this which was amazing because her technique was incredible, even better than Jason if that was possible. I was dripping wet and she brought me to climax easily and quickly. She lay down on the bed beside me and I instinctively leaned over and took one of her nipples into my mouth and felt her other breast with my hands. Before long I had my hand between her legs, making Tamara quietly moan as she kissed my neck and breasts. In a few minutes we had positioned ourselves into a 69, each enjoying the giving and receiving of oral pleasure. It was an astonishingly erotic experience.

I had never performed oral sex on a woman and I found Tamara's scent "pretty" in a word. Her taste was salty and delicious and her curvy body was beautiful and sensual, as was mine. Tamara's fingers gently slipped into every crevice and opening, slowly revealing a new world of incredibly pleasurable sensations. I too experimented, dipping my fingers, tongue, and lips into her sexy flower petals and love button. One hundred years of life between us, and here we were, two middle-aged women living for the moment, excited, satisfied.

Tamara and I fell asleep together in each others' arms and awoke the next day and immediately began to make love again. She went to her night stand and pulled out her "attitude adjuster" and went to work on me with it. The long, slender vibrator felt wonderful as she skillfully penetrated me with it, all the while kissing and nibbling on my entire body. I enthusiastically returned the favor and we spiraled up and down countless times, laughing and giggling all the while.

We decided to continue this thrilling new relationship secretly but after about a month our carpool buddy Linda began to suspect something was developing between Tamara and me. A lingering touch on the arm or neck, a caress of the face...it became impossible to contain the love we felt for each other.

We did our gardening together as the summer months sizzled, both of us wet with anticipated excitement as we rolled up to her home each night. Sometimes we would laugh about how our libidos were so fully engaged that at times we found it hard to think straight! Every day brought refinement of lovers' skills, both eager students to this wide open world of new sensations. We both became less and less inhibited and after a few months when we would make love, closing my eyes I couldn't feel where I began and she ended. The connection to Tamara was to my very soul, deeper than I had ever felt with my husband even in the best of times. I would buy her little gifts at the store and she would do the same; something as simple as a cookie would be rewarded with a delicious kiss or a warm and lasting hug. Watching her at a party talking and laughing, my tummy would rumble...I was in love, a love that past life regression later revealed began many hundreds of years ago and would certainly stretch well beyond this lifetime into the boundless millennia of human existence.

But a cruel turn of events would test me. Tamara felt a lump in her breast one day and when we heard the word "cancer" I tried to be strong but I wasn't. And 4 months after that fateful moment I lost the anchor of my world. The sadness I felt eclipsed that of my divorce tenfold, a hundred fold, a million fold. We had been together barely 9 months but the connection to her was deeper than my words can describe, and the emotional abyss left by her absence impossible to fill.

Just as my new-found beauty radiated from me after my spiritual sabbatical at the ashram, my grief drew energy from all those around me. My son is very sensitive, a beautiful person in every way, and shortly before Tamara passed away I had told him that there was more than friendship between Tamara and me, but he already knew. Of course he did; a love as ours was impossible to contain. This terrible experience taught me yet another lesson: love fully and completely, and when we bring our love to bear on meaningful relationships we are rewarded with a spiritual connection, an emotional and spiritual tether that reaches across the expanse of the universe to hold fast those that are dear to us.

Shortly after Tamara's passing I realized that I needed to find out what I had become. I was not concerned about my sexuality in the pedestrian terms of gay and straight, but more importantly I wanted to know why I felt the way I did. Why was it so easy to fall in love with another woman when I had been married for so long? What was my "new normal"? Where should I go to find love again because the hole in my heart was very real but Tamara would not have wanted me to pine away my years missing her. I told her how much I loved her hundreds of times and near the end even more often, but she insisted that if she were gone she wanted me to try to find love again. And she also told me that she would be waiting for me in the spirit world, ready to reconnect with her again, ready to love her again in ways far beyond what is possible with our simple hearts and minds, ready to engage the true soul connection.