A Change of Perspective

I don't know what to say. I know he's right, but I'm not ready to discuss it yet. I close my eyes, opening them again hurriedly when the room lurches wildly.

Gil's expression is gentler. "Poor baby, you must be going nuts in there."

"In where?" It's Piotr, back from the bar. "Hey, are you okay?"

Gil stands up. "He's hammered. I think it might be best if I get him outside."

Piotr laughs. "Then go now before the girls get back - Alec and I will console them."

"Good man." Gil puts an arm around my waist and helps me stand up. "Come on, let's get you some fresh air." We head unsteadily for the door, his mouth close my ear. "You're okay, Si. It's going to be fine."

~

Things are fuzzy for a little while. When they start to make sense again I realise that Gil's handing me a pint glass. "Welcome back." I shake my head and he laughs. "It's water, you numpty. Drink it."

I do as I'm told and the world slowly comes back into focus. I'm sat on a bench in the beer garden. Although it's not cold there's a breeze and I'm shivering slightly.

"Here." The voice is familiar, but I can't place it until I look up. "Take mine, I'm warm enough." Before I can protest the barman's taking his jacket off and draping it over my shoulders. It's warm and smells of him, and I feel ridiculous that I'm wearing his clothes when I don't even know his name.

"Thanks...?"

"James." He holds out his hand and I shake it automatically. "It's very nice to meet you, Simon. Your friend here tells me that you're new to all this."

I look at Gil, who looks sheepish. "Vodka tonics, I meant. You usually drink beer."

I don't say anything for a long moment, long enough that Gil frowns at me and James's smile starts to fade. I take a breath, trying to quell the fear. I can do this. I'm going to do this. "Well... maybe it's finally time I tried something different. What do you think?"

The smile's back. "I could help you get used to vodka, if you like... I work in a pub, after all." The very English word sounds strangely attractive in his gentle drawl. "Talking of which, I should really get back inside, but, um..." James suddenly looks nervous.

I swallow hard. "But what?"

"I've got tomorrow afternoon off. Perhaps you could wander down to give my jacket back, and perhaps we could spend some time together?"

I nod, too tongue-tied to talk. Gil stands up. "My work here is done. James, it's been a pleasure. Si'll be here after lunch, even if I have to bring him down myself." He pulls me to my feet. "Come on, let's get you home."

We say goodbye and I follow Gil obediently for the mile or so back up the mountain to the hotel. He's unusually quiet and I'm too spaced out to want to talk, so it's not until we're back in our room that either of us says anything.

"James seems alright." I'm brushing my teeth and don't answer. "Very friendly. He and I had a nice little chat while you were out of it."

That gets my attention fast. I stick my head around the door. "What did you say to him?" It doesn't matter that I know Gil's only looking out for me, I'm still uneasy at the thought.

Gil pats the mattress next to him. "Come sit with me and I'll tell you. I'm not shouting it across the room."

It's a moment before I'm ready to leave the bathroom. I perch on the bed, not really wanting to have this conversation, but wanting to hear more about James. "So...?"

Gil smiles. "He likes you. If you'd not been wasted he'd have been all for jumping your bones tonight, so I told him you're totally inexperienced when it comes to fucking hot barmen you've just met. I explained that you've barely come out to yourself, let alone anyone else. He thought that was kind of cute."

I groan, not looking up. "Great, now he thinks I'm some kind of virgin loser who can't hold his drink. I can't go down there tomorrow."

"Yes you can. Those were his exact words - 'kinda cute'. Look, Si..." He sighs. "You're going to have to do this sooner or later. You know you're gay, and the longer you bottle it up, the unhappier you'll be. And at this rate when you do finally come out you'll be old and past it, and you still won't get laid. So tomorrow you're going to go down to that bar and spend the afternoon with the hot barman. You don't have to shout it to the rooftops, but you've got to at least stop lying to yourself. Understand?"

My head is in my hands. "Since when have you been such an authority?"

"Someone wise said something similar to me a couple of years ago. I'm just passing it forward."

All I can see in his expression is concern and friendship, and for the first time in my life the thought of someone else knowing that I like men doesn't panic me. "Thanks, Gil. For everything."

To my amazement, he blushes. "No problem. Now get some sleep - you've got a date to look good for."