A-Cup Angst Ch. 15

A dark depression claimed him and Caitlin stopped talking and started asking concerned questions. "I got you a hotel room," were his only words to her. He got up and led her to a hotel where he had booked a room for her the other day. He walked her to the door of the room and checked it for traps with his Jedi senses. Finding nothing amiss, he said, "Get some sleep," and turned around to walk away.

"Jamie, wait!" Caitlin seized his sleeve, making him pause in his stride. "We need to talk about how we're going to find this girl, Mara. Isn't that what we're going to do tomorrow? I mean, later today."

"Why bother," Jamie said. "She's dead already. She must be." Caitlin's blue eyes got damp as she looked up at him. "Even if she isn't, I can't do anything to help her, anyway. I'm useless."

"Don't say that," Caitlin said. "It's not true."

Jamie met her gaze and said, "You're right. That's not true. I'm worse than useless. I'm the one that got her killed. I should have just gotten her out and then called the cops in, but I didn't and she's probably dead by now and... All she ever did wrong in her entire life was get mixed up with me!"

"Hush," Caitlin said, hugging him. She shushed him repeatedly as he started to cry. "You're not a bad guy, Jamie Jacobs. I know you're not."

"You have no fucking idea who I am," Jamie said, his voice cracking.

"Then tell me," Caitlin said. "Tell me everything." She started to steer the two of them back towards her door and opened it with her keycard. "Come inside and tell me all that's been bothering you."

Her arms were surprisingly strong as she hugged him. Her voice was so warm and her hair smelled like something sweet and exotic. Jamie felt lost in a deep, dark cave and the spark in her eyes seemed like the distant light of fading stars. He let it guide him. He followed her into the room and sat down on the seat she guided him to. He drank the drink she poured for him. She asked him for his tale and he buried his face in his hands in shame. If he started telling it, he couldn't stop himself. He didn't want to stop himself anymore. He felt two conflicting desires well up inside of him. One wanted him to shut up and go back to the way things were. The other wanted him to tell her the truth and say goodbye to the lies he had been telling himself. He had believed that he had to keep his slave-taking, raping and murdering days to himself and not reveal them to anyone. He had thought that was key to making a new life and identity for himself. He had thought it the key to any chance for future happiness. He decided to try the truth. He told her his story, starting from the day he had accidentally caught Helena draining him of his life force to make her breasts grow. As with Mara, he kept his newfound mental abilities hidden.

Caitlin was shocked, amazed, horrified and finally saddened by his story. He held nothing back. He even listed some of the porn titles he had made Sonya, Helena, Rose and Sandra do. He told her over and over about how he had gotten Sonya killed.

She cried. He cried, too. She hugged him and he hugged her back. She kissed him and he kissed her back. In the cold, dark place his mind was in, she felt like the Sun, come to rescue him. He sensed her compassion and sympathy and he let himself bathe in it. He needed it like a desert needed rain. He wanted it more than anything. Their hands worked their clothes off their bodies and they wound up naked. Their skins rubbed against one another as they tried to meld their flesh into one. He ran his hands all over her body, letting himself explore all of her. She responded in kind. He was too amazed by the fact that she hadn't run away in horror to question things anymore. He made love to her with a passion and urgency that he had never experienced before. They did it in the missionary position, looking into each other's eyes the whole time. He lost himself in the love and acceptance he saw in her eyes. He came inside her when she climaxed and felt the blessed relief wash over him. He rolled off her and passed out in sheer joy when she snuggled against him.

He dreamed he was a Jedi, training with Yoda in the swamps of Dagobah. The dream ended with the image of him hanging off the bottom of Cloud City and calling for help, telepathically.

He woke up feeling a lithe, warm body in his hands. He peeked with one eye and saw that Caitlin was still asleep. He gently disengaged from her warm embrace and snuck out of the bed. He went to the bathroom and took a long leak. After that, he used his phone to check up on his surveillance of the Worths and the rich guys he had interrogated earlier. The rich guys had left town without telling anyone about him. The Worths were in Münich, of all places, having lunch in a hotel. "Whatever," he said to himself. It was almost two o'clock and Mara had been missing for more than 32 hours. Even if this was a conventional, magic-less situation, the odds of her still being alive were slim to none.

Caitlin shifted in the bed and slept on. Jamie looked at her and wondered what harm he would bring upon her in the future. His track record with women so far had been horrible. Some kind of misfortune would befall Caitlin for the mistake of sleeping with him, even if she had only done it once. He was sure of it. He forced himself to not dwell on past mistakes, real or imaginary. He sat down on the plush carpet, assumed the lotus position and meditated. He did it primarily to calm his mind, but also to see if he could feel Mara, like he had a few times already.

He went deeper and deeper into trance. He wanted to achieve a nirvana-like state of clarity, but his mind kept dragging up memory after memory for him to review. Jamie passively accepted that he was going to achieve no clarity and let the memories play out before his eyes. He relived impassively all the memories that were weighing down on him. He gave them each impartial consideration and tried to set them aside as quickly as he could. He tried to focus on the witch madam and envision her face in as clear detail as he could. If he couldn't sense Mara's mind, perhaps he could sense hers.

As he thought back to the brief minute he had spent face to face with her, he felt a rush of adrenaline. He began to experience an uneasy feeling, like he was about to get hit by lightning. He stayed with it and felt like someone was trying to point something out to him, only for him to be unable to see it, after all. He was starting to feel frustrated with his inability to pierce through the veil that separated him from a vital clue that he was only marginally aware of. Just as he was about to give up, the image of the wireless card swiper the goon had held popped up in his mind.

Jamie gasped aloud as he remembered the tiny logo that he had seen on the top of the device as the goon had shown it to the witch. It was the logo of a local bank. Jamie suddenly realized he had had a clue to Mara's location all along. The wireless swiper worked off of cellphone towers, but it was a secure device that connected to the local bank's server before getting routed online to do its mistress' bidding. Cellphone service providers only kept records of phone usage for a year. A bank would keep records almost indefinitely. If Jamie hacked the bank's server, he could get the info on every cellphone tower the device had ever in contact with. Maybe, just maybe, the first time she had ever turned it on, she had been at home and learning how to use it properly. And if it hadn't been her, than it would have been one of her goons and it would still constitute a lead to follow.

Jamie nimbly jumped up to get dressed. He needed to get to his car and laptop ASAP. He jumped into his trousers, feeling like the worst kind of idiot for not having thought of it sooner. He pushed down those thoughts and shot his ego in the head. "This isn't about me not being the smartest guy in the world," he told himself. "This is about saving Mara. End of story." The short jog to his car, through the cold winter air, woke him up fully. He got to his laptop and went online. The ancient city of Florence was bustling around him. He set his algorhythms to hack into the bank and waited. It was going to take a while, so he picked up his laptop and went back inside the hotel room where Caitlin was still asleep. He ordered up breakfast for two from room service and sat down to watch his latest hack's progress.

"Good morning," Caitlin softly said, stirring him from his work.

Jamie cleared his throat and said, "Good afternoon." He was feeling more than a little awkward. He had been very emotional and vulnerable last night and he was starting to feel some regret about it. "Hey, uh, listen... I'm not sure that, uh, that last night was... you know, wise of us." He stopped and rolled his eyes at himself. Caitlin just sat up in bed and waited for him to say his piece. "What I mean to say is that it's not a good idea to get involved with me. Every woman I've ever dated has come to a bad end, so far. I think it might be best if-"

"You shut up about now," she said, finishing his sentence. "I'm not settling for a one night stand, Jamie."

Jamie sensed that Caitlin was harboring some strong emotions towards him. He hadn't picked up on those in the morning. Back when he had been a high school kid, he would have given an arm and a leg to get just one girl to feel like that about him, but now he found himself all but wishing for the exact opposite. "Look, Caitlin," he said, "this way, you might just get out of my mess with all your limbs intact. I just don't want to see you get hurt. Not physically and not emotionally, either."

Caitlin laughed and jumped out of bed, revealing her slender, but curvy, young flesh in all its glory. She giggled and said, "You're not getting off that easy, Jamie. And certainly not with such a dumb excuse."

Jamie shot her a look. "It's not like that," he protested. "I'm not trying to use you! I was the one taken advantage of, last night."

"Oh, really," Caitlin said. "Then why do I feel like I've been ridden hard and put away wet?"

"Ugh," was Jamie's comment. She giggled some more. "Look, I'm being serious here. Every girl I've ever been with has wound up hurt and abused, or, or even dead and I..."

"You what," Caitlin asked. "Do you think that you're a doom magnet?" She walked over to him and gently stroked his salt and pepper hair. "Cursed to roam the world alone lest you watch your loved ones suffer and die? Is that it?"

"Mock it all you want," Jamie said, "but it does feel like that sometimes."

"Oh, Jamie," she said and sat down in his lap. She put her arms around his neck. "You're not. You really aren't. Everything that happened to these women, happened cause it should have happened." Jamie scoffed in an almost indignant tone. "I'm serious, Jamie!"

"So, you're saying that Sonya deserved to die?"

"Yes. She had plotted to kill you, hadn't she? She was going to kill you, just as soon as all of them were done draining you. And why was she going to kill you? Just so that nobody ever found out that she wasn't still a virgin and that you were her first. No other reason than that. I'm sorry to say it, Jamie, but the world is a much better place without such a cunt in it."

Jamie lifted her out of his lap and stood up. "Don't say things like that," he said.

"Like what," she said. "True things? Cause it is true. And you know it, your own self."

Jamie turned away from her and said, "You don't understand. It's... It's..."

"It's what?"

There was a knock on the door, followed by a voice calling, "Room service!"

"I ordered food," Jamie said.

Caitlin passed him on her way into the bathroom and gestured at the door. As soon as she was out of sight, Jamie answered the door. The cart was wheeled in and he tipped the attendant generously before closing the door again. Caitlin came out of the bathroom wearing shorts, leg warmers and a knit sweater that hung off her perky tits. She grinned at the way Jamie's eyes lingered over her physique, even after she got dressed, and sat down at the table. She could tell he found her very attractive so she resolved to sort out the mess in his head and get rid of any obstacles that might hinder a relationship between the two of them.

She looked intently into Jamie's eyes and said, "You think I don't understand what it's like, carrying all that guilt. You're wrong. I do. I'm responsible for the deaths of a hundred people."

Jamie sat down opposite her and said, "That's not true."

"Yes, it is."

"It wasn't your doing," he said.

"But it was," she said. "I was the one that went summoning blindly and I'm the one that allowed herself to get possessed by a vengeful spirit from the Great Beyond. All those people sacrificed to turn those villains into vampires are on my head. All the people those vampires then killed after that are also on my head."

Jamie had been shaking his head in disapproval during her whole speech. "No," he said, firmly. "None of that was your doing and none of that is your fault!"

"But it is, Jamie. According to your logic."

"No," he said. "Those were the actions of others. Their choices, not yours. You didn't send those rituals. You didn't sacrifice those innocent people. You didn't murder people."

"And you didn't kidnap Mara," she said. "You didn't pimp her out and you didn't put her life in danger."

"What happened to Mara is my fault," he said.

"I would be willing to stipulate to that," she said, "so long as you gave me even a shred of evidence to support that theory. For instance, did you send her to school here in Florence and arrange for her to stay in that dorm?"

"You know I didn't," he said.

"Did you enslave her, wipe her mind, replace it with lust and charge a bunch of rich guys for fucking her?" Jamie glared at her in response. "Are you currently holding her hostage with the intent of killing her?" She quirked her eyebrows at him and reached for a pastry. "Well, there you go, then."

"It's my fault that she got kidnapped," he said.

Caitlin spread butter on her pastry and said, "How so?"

"If I hadn't gone with her to her dorm," he said, "she would have been left alone."

Caitlin had a bite of her pastry and moaned in appreciation of the taste. "What measures did you take to ensure her abduction," she asked.

"What?"

"How did you get her kidnapped?"

"I walked into the dorm right behind her," he said.

"I see," Caitlin said. She took another bite of her buttered pastry and chewed on it thoughtfully. After she swallowed it, she shook her finger at him. "Yes. Yes, I agree. It's all your fault. You should have seen all the possible consequences of such a dangerous and inherently risky action as walking. Shame on you! Shame on you. The magical barrier and you not having any magic to your name are no excuse for you not being omniscient and omnipotent."

"Fuck you, Caitlin," Jamie spat.

"We already did that last night, Jamie," she said. "Don't you remember? You know what I think? I think this whole hissy fit of yours is because you used to have power. A lot of power. You made up your mind and a powerful, international, supernatural crime syndicate vanished before your terminator." She gestured with the last of her pastry. "That must have been such a great high. Having so much power." She popped the pastry into her mouth and said around it, "I'd be bitchy too, if I lost that kind of power."

"That's not what this is about," Jamie said. Her words were provoking a response from deep down inside himself. It was anger, of all things. He sensed that she truly meant what she was saying about him not being a monster in her eyes. She had already made that clear last night. He kept his anger in check and asked himself if he could agree with what she was saying.

"Yes it is," she said. "I'm not some wise, old sage, but I do have the gift of perspective. If you spent just a few days possessed like I did, used as a helpless puppet, worn like a meat suit, than you'd be blessed with the gift of perspective, too." She peeled an orange and got a faraway look in her eye as she said, "I wonder if I should arrange something like that for you."

Jamie stood up, now seriously angered. She held up her hands and said, "I won't! I wouldn't! I swear! Relax! Calm down, would you!" He walked over to the window and looked out. The view was beautiful, but he hardly noticed. "Look, you told me the whole story and I have to tell you that you did do one thing wrong. Just one." He turned around and looked at her, expectantly. "You let that tall, thin, big-breasted, blonde bitch get away with more power than she has any right to wield. That's your one wrong deed so far."

"I don't want to talk about this any more," he said and turned back to the window.

"Answer me this, Jamie," she said. "Do you think that I'm a monster chaser? Do you think that I made love to you last night because I thought you were the worst thing on two legs? Or was I moved by how much you have suffered? Did I make love to you because I felt this great compassion for you and a connection?" Jamie stared out the window, unseeing. "Well?"

"I don't know why you made love to me," he said, even though he had plainly felt her compassion for him.

"Fuck you," she spat at his back after a brief silence. She got up, found her bag and started to pack. Jamie hung his head and made no comment. "I know that those Ross bitches damaged you, Jamie, but trust me on this! You can always recover. You are tougher than you think. And not all women are nuts like those cunts."

"Rossi," he said.

"What?!"

"Their name is Rossi, not Ross."

Caitlin growled wordlessly in response and slammed her bag shut. She put on her coat and picked up her bag. Jamie leaned his forehead against the window and softly said, "Please, don't go!"

"What," she barked at him, uncertain of what he said.

"Please, don't go," he said. He could sense her anger fade away at hearing his voice so small. She hesitated for a minute more and then huffed loudly.

"Alright," she said, "I'll stay. On one condition!" He turned around and looked at her, waiting. "You stop talking crazy!" He nodded. "I mean it! Any more talk about how everything wrong in the world is your fault and I walk out the fucking door. And I'll make your face break out in shingles, too!"

He nodded and the two of them sat down to have breakfast together. He realized she was right, after a fashion. He had been told he was a worthless shit all his life, particularly by his father, and he had always acted a bit tougher and smarter than he was, as a result of that. Once he had gotten magical power, his narcissistic tendencies had exploded into full bloom and he was still feeling the aftereffects. The fact that Mara had been taken wasn't what made him so angry. The fact that he was powerless to help her was what was really eating away at him. He was, for all his mental abilities, a mere mortal in the face of experienced witches and that was a bit too much for him to handle.

Across the Adriatic sea from Italy, in the Balkans, their worst possible curse was, "May you have and then have not!" He understood it now. He had had so much power and it hurt his pride and self-respect to admit to himself that he wasn't a badass anymore. It stung terribly. He resolved to let go of that shit. It was just pride. Pride never did anyone any favors. He didn't have a clue as to how he was going to do that, but he wasn't going to stop trying until he figured it out. It was all in his head, after all.

An audible alarm from his laptop broke him out of his reverie. He went to it and gasped in delight as he saw he had gained the info on the wireless swiper. Its signal had been routed through a dozen cellphone towers. Two were near the dorm, the other nine were grouped around three locations and the twelfth one was only used once, for half an hour, in the summer of 2009. It was the very first cellphone tower that the device had ever been connected to. That tower was outside Florence, deep in vineyard country.