A Letter of Farewell

(This is something that has been going through my head for a while now. I have placed it in the Romance section as it is a letter about love. Please remember that this is a work of fiction.)

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To my darling,

As I write this the sun is setting. The sky is a wondrous picture of pink & gold. The clouds are thin lines of colours that could never be imitated. I would love to say that it is a reflection of my mood, but tears are pouring down my face and I can not seem to stem the flow. I can barely see what I am writing.

9 weeks ago, I would have said that I was the happiest woman alive. It was our wedding night and after we had made love for the first time, you were holding me in your arms and promising me that you would 'never, ever hurt me again'. You knew that I was a virgin, but it still seemed to shock you. I could only rest my head on your shoulder, place my hand over your heart and whisper 'I Love You' before sleep overcame me. I can now say that the pain of loosing my innocence was nothing compared to now. Over the last week I have had to 'grow up' in ways that I don't think any human being should ever have to.

6 days ago, I returned from a quick trip to the local store for 'supplies', as you called them, to find you dressed, your bags packed and a cold wall of emotion surrounding you. Apparently our 'impromptu' marriage was not working for you. You regretted ever asking me to marry you. You were not the man I thought you to be. Instead of the average 'guy next door', a man who valued honesty above everything else, standing before me was a complete stranger. I believed I had married a simple man of simple means, the only thing that was not simple was your heart, or so I thought.

2 days ago I tried to talk to you and discovered the truth. Your 'lowly status' was by no means as lowly as I had been told. You were wearing clothes that would cost me a months wages, your car was so far out of my league that there is no point in placing a price on it. My entire house, gardens included, could have been located within the 'small patch of land' that was included with your home, with plenty of room to spare. You looked at my clothes as if they needed to be torn up to be used as rags, if not burned. My simple hairdo and lack of make-up seemed to disgust you. I knew you could barely look at me. I was a below you.

Your first words to me were so harsh. I should 'look my fill' as I would never see a penny of your money. Divorce papers were being drawn up by your solicitor and I would have nothing but what 'I came to the marriage with'. I couldn't help but remember the one thing that I could never have back. What I had come to say to you was soon the last thing on my mind. Every time I opened my lips to speak I was interrupted by more scathing remarks from you. By the time you were finished, my heart was so heavy that I could only say quietly. and surprisingly calmly, that I hoped you would be happy. I had turned, got back into my beaten up Ford Escort and driven at least 3 miles from you before I realised that I had not told you what I had come to say.

Yesterday, I learned that I may never get that chance. At least not in person. Distracted by the way my life had changed completely in less than a week, I never saw the van until it was too late. Apparently the driver was drunk and although I swerved and tried my best to get out of its path, it was too late to avoid the collision. I awoke 12 hours ago to be told by doctors that I was lucky not to have been instantly killed. The driver of the van had died before authorities could free him from the wreckage. Our baby had not survived either.

12 hours ago, my last glimmer of hope. Of love. Had died. I no longer had my child, the child that I would have raised on my own. Loved on my own. The child that would have known nothing in its life but love. Even the knowledge that, no matter what had occurred, they had been created in love and despite never knowing their father themselves, would know that their mother had loved and still loved their father. Because despite of everything, you had given me them. And now that future would never happen.

6 hours ago, my future was cut short. Doctors, realising that my test results were not as good as they had been, performed more and more tests. I was dying they told me. My body was slowly shutting down. I said I felt fine. I awoke an hour later on a ventilator, with tubes attached to every vein in my body. Well it looked that way. I had apparently collapsed and had to be resuscitated. My kidneys had failed and my heart was under 'stress'. They took me off of the ventilator but attached another wire to monitor my breathing, just in case I needed to be placed back on to it. An air mask was placed within easy reach. I was to use it whenever I had any difficulty in breathing. They informed me that, although I had suffered no major injuries during my accident, the trauma was too much. They could do nothing but place me on a 'support' machine when it was needed and hope that my body would 'repair itself' and recover.

By now the sun has set and the first stars are appearing. Although I know that the brightest in the sky is actually Venus, I wish upon it anyway:

"Star light, star bright,
The first star I see tonight,
I wish I may, I wish I might,
Have the wish I wish tonight...!"

I know that normally a wish will only come true if it is kept a secret, but you will not be reading this if mine does. I wished that I would recover so that I could mend things between us. So that I could somehow gain back the love that I felt was real when we first married. So that I could once again laugh with the man that had flirted with me so outrageously when I had served him the breakfast he had ordered in the cafe that I worked in. So that I could once again look into the eyes of the man who would not take no for an answer. So that I could once again kiss the lips of the man that had 'swept' me off to Gretna Green after only 5 days of knowing me. So I could once again hold the man in my arms who had held me in his and promised to never hurt me. So that I could once again feel the heart of the man I loved beating beneath my hand as I told him that I loved him, no matter what.

I feel so tired now but I fear that if I close my eyes to rest, I will never open them again and I need to finish my letter to you.

I am not religious, but I know that if I do not let you know these things, when I die, I will not die in peace. I need you to know that I forgive you, and that, even though I have no idea what caused the change, I hold no hard feelings. The man I fell in love with did exist, and I know deep down, that he still does. Remember after I am gone, that you had someone who loved you unconditionally and always would, in this life and the next.

I will watch over you.

My love, always...

Your Angel XXX

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