A Life Not Spent With You Ch. 03

Heat began to trickle down into his groin, the feeling making him start to shake. Parting his lips in a sharp gasp, Damien looked to the ground, anywhere but at Ivan, who still kept his arms twined around his waist. Panting softly, he gave a weak laugh,

"Sorry! I'm sorry..." Falling into a whisper, he fell silent, his lips trembling slightly, his cheeks warm with shame. Why that one thing always cropped up in his heart whenever he felt anything pleasurable, he didn't know. If he had one wish, he'd wish his shame and guilt would go away long enough for him to be loved properly.Ivan always said...My first wasn't proper....That love doesn't feel like that... Just an hour, an hour without him breaking kisses, stopping their love play for feeling dirty, contaminated at feeling what was too good for his body. It felt so good, and it was so stupid to make it end when-

"-mien?" There was so much conflict in his lover's down turned eyes that ran back and forth, as if he were reading his thoughts. They blinked away the glassiness, and warmed considerably upon meeting his concerned green gaze.

"I'm here, sorry about that." His lover licked his lips, and drew closer, pausing only once as if unsure. Petal soft, they met his mouth in a shy kiss, barely a peck. Returning it, Ivan cupped Dami's cheek, thumb stroking the soft skin before his hand followed down his body.

"Let's just skip dinner, Ivan..." If that whisper meant what he thought it meant... His temperature spiked, waves of heat directing to his abdomen and lower; then began to cool. With a soft shush, Ivan drew way, eyes running over Damien's face,

"Aww, Dami, it's too soon. I mean, it wasn't even twenty-four hours ago..." The flicker of disappointment wasn't missed by him. Closely regarding the young one's face, ready to see any hint of worry or fear, he asked,

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

"I do, I-I'm sure." Drawing in a deep breath, he gave a brave smile. His lover's face softened with some emotion he couldn't name, then brushed his cheek gently; nuzzling into the touch, Damien continued,

"I want to love you completely, Ivan. For a long time I wanted to, a-and now we can. Just, go slow, please?" His doubts slipped away from his mind at how tenderly Ivan kissed him, wrapping arms around his waist. A whimper escaped him, ripe with desire and the slightest touch of fear as Ivan suddenly hoisted him up into his arms. That swooping sensation in his stomach started again, and with blushing cheeks, Dami wrapped his legs around the older's waist, his arms around his neck.Oh Gods... He was shivering all over, betraying another whimper as their tongues flicked over the other. Every thing still reserved within him for love was becoming alive, a nearly overwhelming feeling spreading over him as Ivan lowered them onto their king-sized bed.

"Ivan, it's beautiful..."

Rose petals, white and red, were strewn over their black sheets, their scent sweet. There were candles set on the bed stand, on the little table near their window overlooking the sea. The curtains were drawn back, allowing them to see the clear starry sky, letting soft blue moonlight in. Smiling, Dami looked to Ivan, about to comment on the amount of effort to make this romantic, then frowned slightly. The older was still looking around, his brows furrowed in a confused arch before glancing at him,

"You, didn't do this?"

"No, didn't you?"

After looking around with Ivan, Damien soon found a note he had been sitting on, addressed from the twins. The two had been hanging around their street for a good part of the afternoon, and set everything up while he and Damien drove to their pack's clearing for their mating ritual. They both wished them their luck and love, and had apparently worn lipstick to place their lip prints on the paper.

Ivan and Damien both agreed to have the twins over for another slumber party - their favorite activity - and stuff with them cake and other goodies.

Trembling finely, Ivan slowly shucked his shirt off, his eyes never leaving Damien's. Those lovely brown orbs looked over his exposed chest and returned to meet his gaze, his cheeks coloring more. But he still knelt, not moving, looking almost afraid to. Leaving his kneeling position, Ivan shuffled closer, one hand falling to support his weight as his other reached out to touch the younger's cheek.

"Hey...Baby, are you okay?" He got a nod, an attempt for an explanation, then just a shrug. Daring to inch closer, Ivan caressed the other's cheek,

"Do you want me to do it?" Asking softly, he gave a nod in return and drew Dami in his arms. Just an embrace, a few seconds for their hearts to beat together before he carefully lowered his lover down. Sweeping his hand under the younger's shirt, Ivan smoothed his palm upward. Lying carefully onto of his lover, he buried his face in Dami's neck, held there by the other's arms pressing him closer.

His shirt continued to drag up his chest, making his breath catch as the hand continued up his body. A whimper nearly escaped him, his hips rocking upwards once in reaction to the pleasant feeling as his nipples were gently tweaked. Lips touched his neck, then a tongue, sliding up to the line of his jaw, leaving to suckle his ear lobe. Barely keeping in a cry, Dami kept his eyes shut, trying to remember who this was, what this meant. Marcel hadn't touched him like this, nor had his first boyfriend - and what they did wasn't love. This was. Ivan continued to tease him, nipping at his lobe before kissing him.

Fear was dying but still present; hs body still remembered hands grabbing and pulling, ripping, and tearing.

"I-Ivan!" His choked voice was barely audible as his shirt was lifted up higher, exposing his flat stomach, his chest. A pleased murmur escaped him followed by a moan. Lips brushed over his ribs, a hand coming to play with his other nipple while the other nub was being kissed, then gently sucked. Arching his back, Damien laced fingers around his lover's head and tugged him down, guiding him for more. As they continued to be so close, his trembling started again mainly how pleasing this felt and how bad his heart started to hurt. It had been lied to again, believing the pleasure he felt with Marcel was true.

The younger had been squirming right from the start, his held-in sounds making his groin throb. A sharp gasp sounded into his neck, an encouraging murmur before hips arched up into his again. With a breathless groan, Ivan thrust down, grinding against Damien. The younger moaned, meeting him again and again. Gasping, Ivan matched every thrust, kissing slowly to keep his lover calm. To his surprise, nothing seemed to register to Dami but how good it felt, moving like this; he whined, spreading his legs wider around him. Hands wouldn't stay in one place, roaming across his shoulders, to his neck, before dropping again. Finally, Damien locked hands and kept hold of him; turning his face, Ivan pressed kisses up and down Dami's neck. Their chests met, their whole bodies rocked as they ground against each other.

Nothing else seemed to get through the desire that clouded his mind. As he rocked upwards, stroking Ivan's hair as a mouth suckled at his neck, a hand massaging his side, he knew this was Ivan. It felt warm every time his boyfriend came near - it was never warm with his first, or with Marcel. Closing his eyes, he still knew who it was that moved against him, loving him. Catching his breath, he let another moan leave him,

"W-wait," Slowing his movements, he paused a few seconds, trying to regain his breath. Ivan looked down at him with softness, drawing his face away. Smiling in return, albeit it was shaking slightly as if unsure, Damien grabbed at his shirt and pulled the confining cloth over his head, throwing it somewhere on the floor. What it too bold of him? It felt right to do, it wasn't fear of letting down Ivan that made him. It was the need to be as close as possible, to touch everything without barriers. A hand touched his bare chest, making him shiver; meeting his lover's gaze, he smiled, placing his hand over Ivan's.

"You let me know if you're scared..." His voice was low, husky as he stroked his thumb over the soft skin. A sadness entered those lovely brown eyes,

"I am scared...But I can manage. It feels really good when you touch me..." Dami looked uncomfortable as he always did when admitting things like this. "If it gets too frightening, I'll tell you. I'm s-sorry if I do, I just..." He trailed off his rambling, shifting under him. Shaking his head, Ivan smiled,

"Don't you apologize, Damien. It is not your fault for what happened, it's Marcel's. He was the one that hurt you, you didn't ask to be. Anytime, sweetheart, anytime at all you want to stop I will. Even if we're a centimeter from heaven."

"Heaven?"

"When I'm inside you, I'll touch something that will make you want to scream. How it feels like now, this pleasure, is nothing compared to what will come later. I want to take you there..." Whispering, he slowed down, kissing gently, running hands lightly down Dami's bare sides. His touch caused shivers; as he started to thrust against his lover again, he gained a shudder.

Sweet whispers brushed against his ears, Ivan's probable attempt to calm him, but his desire began to turn, fear starting to leak in his body like a poison. A memory of last night flashed before him, and before he could murmur to tell Ivan it took control.

-slamming into his over and over again. The bed was shaking in time to the vicious thrusts that made him sob. The mattress was soaking with blood, bites, deep scratches littered everywhere on his body. The stranger's movements got even more intense, and he screamed in agony.

He couldn't tell if his shaking was from the bed, or his own fears.

"I-I-" His voice wasn't working, and his attempt to call out his lover's name was halted. Inhaling sharply as the older began to shuffle backwards, his lips kissing down his chest, to the smooth plane of his stomach. Breath catching, he tried to sit up, tried to speak but he moaned again. It felt good, unbelievably so. Why could he still feel pleasure when he was scared? Tears started to form, annoying him again - the past day he'd done nothing but cry. Fisting his hands into sheets, clean ones this time, he kept himself from sitting up and protesting.I-Ivan said it'd get even better...and I really have done nothing but cried... And his earlier thrusting and moaning, whimpering pathetically; would Ivan think him a tease if he asked for this to stop?

Fear drowned out his judgment and he wondered if Ivan thought he was a tease, would he just take as well? Lips kissed just above his waistband, and fingers began to unbutton his jeans. Gasping, Damien clenched his eyes shut, trying to keep calm.What am I thinking? Ivan would never do that. He loves me, he'd respect my wishes...N-never hurt me like that... And he felt even more horrible for even thinking so badly of his boyfriend, his lover. Husband? Realizing that technically, he and Ivan were life mates, and Ivan was his husband. Glancing at his right hand, his glassy eyes took in the shining gold ring - if there was ever a promise to care and protect, it would be the binding of matrimony.

His lover gave a light sob, and he ceased his kisses, leaning up on his elbows. Damien was still on his back, his fingers gripping the sheets tightly, and his chest nearly heaving as more sounds of anguish escaped. Lifting himself up, not lying on top of the young one anymore, Ivan brought himself level to Dami. His dearest turned his face to the side with a sob, and covered his mouth;

Ivan tried to make eye contact but Dami refused to, looking to the other side each time.

"Hey, baby, what's wrong?" After receiving no answer, he quickly flipped over so he was lying at Damien's side, and tugged him close, wrapping arms around him. His eyes began to sting, warning him of oncoming tears - it was Damien's lack of response that was the worst.

"Damien, sweetheart, shhh, it's alright to cry. As much as you like..." Crying could have been a response, Ivan supposed, closing his eyes, leaning his chin atop of Damien's head; although it was not a reaction to what he was doing. It was probably memories that brought about this fresh bout of tears, and rightly so. It was how Damien didn't hold him back, didn't even push or protest at his touching now. Tightening his hold slightly, in hopes to gain some sort of reaction, Ivan held back his own sob.H-He's not here...He's in a memory, remembering something... As seconds passed by he felt so lonely. Damien was in a place he could never follow, and that tore him apart.

Vaguely, he felt fingers run down his back, very light and gentle. Drawing out of his misery, Dami realized he was slumped against Ivan, his cheek rest upon his lover's chest. The sharp breaths, irregular, made him wonder... But it was true - he made Ivan cry as well, near sobbing. And still, his lover gave him comfort while in his own pain. Ashamed, Damien fell back to resting on the older.

"I-Ivan, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Ivan!"

His lover suddenly blurted out, and immediately arms wrapped around him as best as they could where they lay. Damien's crying increased alarmingly, sounding as if his heart had broken. Quick to comfort, Ivan stifled his noises and stroked the younger's trembling back, whispering assurances.

"I-It got really scared when you started moving y-your hips again, really slowly. Then you ran down-down my body, lower and I just saw myself with him, and how the bed was shaking, rocking because he was...And then I wanted to t-tell you I was scared, to ask you to go slower or anything but I couldn't speak. I couldn't, I just- I thought you'd think I was a tease if I wanted it to stop, with all my m-moaning and I thought, I thought you'd..."

He thought I'd take from him? The thought of ever doing so made him sick, disgusted; if ever he ever tried it, even for just a second, he'd slice his hands off right then and there. Shushing, he continued his stroking hand, kissing his lover's crown, telling him it was okay. But Damien rose up, looking at him with such despair. His face was twisted in sorrow, his cheeks damp and his eyes near dead and empty.

"I-I know you wouldn't, you wouldn't ever, I don't know how I could e-ever think that! I felt so horrible for thinking that you might, and I'm sorry, I-" Suddenly, Damien reached up to his face and kissed him, desperately, his sharp breaths near joining his. This was getting closer to breaking his own heart; Ivan parted their kiss, shushing under his breath. He took hold of the younger's wrists and lowered them from his face,

"Dami, honey, you don't need to..." Smiling tenderly, he leaned forward, pressed upon Damien's damp cheek the softest of kisses. After doing so, he let go of the other's wrists, and folded his beloved in a loose embrace.

"I understand how you might think that, this must be so frightening." Damien hugged him back, albeit, it was hesitant, "Don't apologize, sweetheart, you've done nothing wrong. I should have gone slower, anything to make you more comfortable. Oh, shh, don't worry, I swear to you I'll never ever go against your will...And you know," He pulled back to look at Damien, meeting his lover's tired gaze, "You could screaming in pleasure, squirming and moaning at 40 decibels, and the moment you say stop, I will." Ivan smiled, his light chuckle shared with the younger. "It doesn't matter what's happened, what is happening, you don't owe anything when we're here loving each other."

"B-but this is like, o-our wedding night..."

That explained much. It was true, they were bonded together for life, just like marriage. Cradling his lover, he pressed another gentle kiss to Dami's cheek,

"You're right, it is our wedding night...But you're not obligated to do anything, not ever. Not on this night, any other night, any day. Baby, tell me - when we were in the kitchen, did you truly want to skip dinner, or did you feel you had to?" He received a quiet response that he'd wanted to, and it made his heart soar.

After tugging blankets over them, Ivan nuzzled his cheek against Damien's with a sigh. With his lover tucked against his side, he closed his eyes, and stayed awake long after the younger fell asleep. His beloved puppy looked beautiful in the moonlight.