A Life Not Spent With You Ch. 04

The young man began to tremble again, snuggling deeper into his arms with a barely audible gasp. Cooing softly, Ivan brought the blankets up around himself and his lover, taking a moment to caress Damien's cheek before wrapping his arm around the other again. Within minutes, he realized the trembling wasn't from the cold, Damien's growing whimpers and protests telling him so. The pup had woken up many times, barely got an hours sleep before jerking awake from nightmares. So again, Ivan ran hands down the younger's back, shushing him, trying to keep him asleep.

This time, his lover fell quiet, untensing and resuming his snuggling, a faint smile gracing his lips again. Ivan too, began to smile, but it faded as bits and pieces of last night's conversation arose in his mind again.He thought he owed sex to me...That I deserved something after a few sounds and squirming... Would Damien still think that now? Nuzzling his cheek against the younger's, Ivan closed his eyes - Damien would often forget the last few minutes before he fell asleep. If that was the case again, he'd repeat his honest words another time.

"Oh Dami...I remember being so surprised when I realized I was attracted by you..." Whispering absentmindedly, running fingers through the younger's locks, Ivan's eyes became defocused as only a memory could cause.I remember being so angry the moment I realized...That frightened look on your face, sweetheart... He pressed a kiss to his lover's cheek.

Many times he had fought against what his heart was telling him as Damien began to talk more after those first few weeks, and an actual attempt to get away only cemented the feelings growing within him then. It had been a desperate mutual kiss that sent him running. The near week getaway had caused the puppy much guilt and weeping; Ivan could still recall just how tight Damien held him that night he returned home, filled with acceptance and resolution to never abandon again. He still remembered the rush of relief when the front door banged open, and the younger rushing out to him with open arms those last few steps.

To imagine if he had struggled any longer and get the slightest glimpse of what his life could've been scared him completely. If he had decided to continue on his drive in the opposite direction of his home - a couple years ago, Ivan used to live in an house - what would have become of himself? Of Damien, left alone and still unhealed after his hospital stay. Gods, even now the young pup felt aches from that last fight with his boyfriend.

Damien began to shift in his sleep, his brow furrowed in sorrow and his lips parting with small whimpers. There wasn't much hope of getting anymore sleep for Damien - it had been nearly an hour and a half of sleep this time, and Ivan decided they wouldn't get any luckier for more rest now. So gently, he shook Damien's shoulders, whispering quietly in his ear it was time to wake. His lover's face worked in confusion, the squirming growing until with a start, Damien's eyes opened.

"Hey, good morning, Dami..." Fingers brushed down his face, and with a sigh, he leaned into the touch with warmth growing in his cheeks. What a perfect way to wake up... Giggling he tipped his chin up and captured Ivan's lips in a kiss, Damien shivered as a tongue gently slid along his lower lip. Parting his mouth eagerly, he reached up and wrapped a hand around the older's neck, dragging him down. Ivan's hands began to roam over his body, holding his shoulder, bringing them closer, running down his back. While under the blankets, as their kiss grew more intense, a hand stroked his thigh; it felt good, and with an encouraging murmur, Damien let the sensations take over. Ivan's touch became so delicate now, ghosting along his legs still encased in restricting demin. It made him cry out for more, breaking their kiss only to gasp for air before sealing their mouths again.

Holding his breath, he smoothed a hand over the younger's stomach, feeling the muscles under quiver. Then, on a greater dare, fell to massage the bare skin just above the waistband to jeans. Lust-glazed, cinnamon brown eyes opened, half-lidded and narrowed just slightly in what looked like a plea before they fell shut again. Nearly frantic, Damien stopped his crushing hold to unbutton his jeans. Then, just as desperate, his lips locked with his, tongue darting out to rub against his; Ivan groaned, bringing himself to sit up with his back against the wall. Damien began to as well, "No, its alright, Dami. Lie back, baby," Voice husky, he reluctantly parted their kiss, guiding the other to a half sitting position, partly resting with Dami's back against his bare chest. Hungry for more, Ivan sifted through the younger's locks, uncovered an ear and suckled on the lobe, pleased at the moan he caused.

"Mmm, it feels good, Ivan!" Whispering, Damien rocked his hips, ground himself back into his body while shrugging down his jeans, apparently caught up in the moment. It was a sudden fire, a desire for touch that Ivan gladly rose to the occasion. His heart skipped a few beats, his head feeling light for a few seconds when Damien found his hand and guided it down to his abdomen and past. The trembling began again, and once more, his lover rocked back into his body, "Please, please, Ivan! I like this, please show me a glimpse of heaven!" Those barely audible words had his own groin fill with heat, but this time was not for him. Nibbling the earlobe, Ivan gave an affirmative sound, wrapping his fingers around the base of the pup's length and pumped gently. A shudder cascaded through his lover, the younger's head tipping back, resting against his chest. His parted lips gasped, and with his free hand, Ivan tipped the younger's face towards his and kissed fiercely. He let that hand fall to Dami's chest, tweaking the hardened nubs, eliciting more moans and sounds of encouragement.

There was nothing frightening about how Ivan touched him, only a need for satisfaction. Arching back, he let his head fall back upon his lover's shoulder, certain he was shaking. His bent legs shook as he tensed them, giving him leverage to press back against Ivan's chest, abdomen. The hand around his arousal began to stroke, starting right at the base before sliding up to the flared head. His breath was stolen from him, another rocking back had him feel faint. "Its alright, its okay, just breathe..." Nodding quickly, Damien kicked away his jeans and boxers, freeing his ankles, allowing him to move. Biting his lower lip, he arched up into Ivan's stroking hand, eyes closing, savoring this. How he moved against his lover, how Ivan touched him, pressed against him tightly. They were allowed to, they were together till the end now. Gasping, Damien's tearing eyes flickered open, his mouth fighting for air before he lost it in whimpers.

"Dami, Gods..." Pressing kisses behind an ear, Ivan quickened his hand, stroking in time to the younger's thrusts. Reaching lower with his free hand, he began to fondle the testicles, cup the soft sacs before pumping gently. Damien gave a sound, possibly from fright as he jerked, scrambling to sit himself up and even then, he tried to get up.

What was he doing? Sliding back against Ivan, Damien stifled a sob and fell limp. This wasn't Marcel, this wasn't Jared. It was his lover who was pleasuring him, making love with him. Love. What happened in the past wasn't love. Ivan loved him, and no one else did so it was okay. Blinking rapidly, he felt some of himself return, what he was able to grasp when half of him was missing, lost in bliss.He didn't even notice? Although he was partly glad, Dami felt tears trickle down his face as he started to moan again. It felt good, what Ivan was doing, but it started to numb; confused, he gave a whimper as he drew close to the end, his hips moving faster. No, not even the whimpers felt real now. Did he really have to fake it for his lover, his husband?

Grabbing at the sheets, head thrown back, Damien gave a sharp cry as his release was ripped from him. The world went black for a few seconds before he returned, still slumped against Ivan's chest, his softening length being pumped gently.

"Baby, shhh....Honey, what's wrong?" His beloved gave a wail before wrestling away, lying on his stomach, coiling his body like a snake in pain. Twisting and turning, the sheets wrapping around him as he sobbed. Shocked, Ivan got on his knees and reached out, trying to cease the younger's anguish. Without though, he tried to scoop Damien up, cease his squirming; immediately, his lover shrieked in terror, and apparently noticed his confinement within the blankets.

"Let me go! No! Let me go! I don't want, no, please!"

"Damien, Gods, please! P-please, don't sweetheart, please!" Crying himself, Ivan backed away, gave the young one space to continue his frantic struggle to free himself, to scream and cry. Rocking slightly as he hugged his chest, rubbing his sides to keep calm, the British wolf held his face before sweeping his hair out of his face. Tears slid down his cheeks, but he kept as quiet as he could, "Dami, it's a flashback, honey. I'm not going to h-hurt you," He stammered, "Please, D-Dami, it's not real!" His whispered reassurances weren't enough, probably not heard over his sweetheart's yelling. Knowing it was foolish, Ivan scrambled to Damien and held him in place. A fist punched him hard in the chest, but with only a flinch, Ivan kept his lover as still as possible while untangling the smaller man. A series of blows hit him and even then, he still tried. Still whispering explanations, he finally unwound the sheets from around Damien's ankles and rose up,

"Alright, you're free! You're free, honey, please calm down! Dami-"

Ivan bit his tongue hard, certain his jaw broke at the desperate punch his lover threw at him. His body turning to the side, he fell against the soft bed and swore furiously as best as he could. The crying wouldn't stop, the pain radiating everywhere.

The bed stopped squeaking. Hands were no longer upon him, groping, trying to get his body aroused. And that firm grip was- Damien felt as shudder run through him violently as though something that had possessed him, fled. Falling forwards, still on his knees, he punched the bed and tensed, trying to regain control. His right fist hurt, the afterglow of pleasure thrumming through; confused about why he felt so, he rose up and nearly fell back down. Fear captured his heart in it's merciless hold - why was Ivan hurt?

"Ivan! Ivan, oh, baby! Did I- Oh, I-I'm so so sorry! Ivan, I didn't meant to!" His lover managed through increasing sobs. Trying to sit up, one hand holding his very sore jaw - perhaps it wasn't broken - Ivan waved off his apologies.Oh fuck... Hesitantly massaging the spot, very slowly working his jaw back and forth, he croaked, "Damien...No, wasn't you fault." His slightly blurred vision locked on Dami, half-dressed in pajama pants. The door flung open, and Ivan now heard the thudding of footsteps and then slamming of another door.

It was stupid to go without a reason, parking his car on the dock parking lot.What am I doing here...? Screams suddenly sounded from a boat, a houseboat, Ivan's houseboat. Marcel threw his car door open and ran onto the gangplank leading to Ivan's boat. The door burst open, and coming to a halt was the pup, the young one. Werz- no, Damien. Something slammed into Marcel's chest, some emotion that left him standing there stupidly as he took in the young one's sweating body, his chest heaving, gleaming in the noon-day sun. There were tears upon the pup's fearful face. Damien screamed as he ceased running from the houseboat, backing away, his feet catching the strips of wood on the slanted gangplank to prevent slips. Rushing forwards, Marcel stopped himself.

Just in time, he caught Dami as he fell backwards. Gasping, Ivan steadied his lover, shushing in his ear while he could with Damien being so close. It lasted barely a second before the young one began to struggle, whimpering to be let go. "Ivan! I-Iv, I'm so sorry! It hit you! I pretended at the end to like it! I-I'm sorry I have to f-fake it! Please-" Through his tears, Ivan held a hand over his mouth as he watched Damien back into Marcel and spun around. His lover's screaming started again.

"Shhh, shhh, don't! Dami, don't say anything!" His voice wavered, his words soft as a petal's touch as were his hands. With his lover now back in his arms, he did as the smaller man begged and turned his body so Dami was far from the rapist. Hatred swelling within his chest, pounding to get out, Ivan glared deathly at the other werewolf; in his anger, he didn't see Marcel's own tears or shaking. "Why the fuck are you here? Do you want to make us hurt more? G-go away! Get off my fucking property and never step foot on this gangplank ever again! I hope you're served as tribute meat today and leave us alone!" Everything in him wanted to pounce the retreating figure, dig claws into that vulnerable back; Damien kept him from doing it, his desperate clinging and crying far too extreme to ignore. Ducking his head down, Ivan wrapped arms around his baby, kissing away his tears. After one final glare at the rapist, he then guided them back into his home.

"I-Ivan, please, I'm so...I hit you, I shouldn't-No! No!" Ivan left him alone on the couch, whispering something he couldn't make sense of. His misery was too heavy, he couldn't follow as much as he tried. Every muscle in his body seemed frozen, unable to do as he bid it to; feeling more useless, he cried into his fists. Why was he so helpless, so stupid? Ivan wouldn't ever hurt him, never in a million years.But that'd never happen now! I hit him! He'll get mad, he'll leave me! Was that were Ivan was going, heading out the door to never face him again? Crumpling forwards, he laid his bare chest against his denim-covered legs and shook violently.

Taking a shaking breath, Ivan flicked the "on" button to his electric kettle and ran from the kitchen to return to Damien.Oh Gods, please help him...I never though this would happen again... Had his prayers of hope to never have his baby afraid of him, never received? Entering the small living room, Ivan wiped at his face, "I'm back, I'm here, sweetheart! Oh, shh, darling, I'd never leave you!" His touch was welcomed, and thanking profusely, Ivan seated himself upon their small couch, drawing his lover into his arms, into his lap and embraced him tightly. Damien held on just as hard, sobbing into his chest with no intention of letting up.

"I don't know why, I couldn't f-feel good anymore after you were t-touching me a-and then I tried to pretend! I can't even be real, what's- 'n I'm so sorry Ivan, I'm sorry! I'll get better, oh please, please give me time!" The kisses on his cheek between words made his near sobbing worse; returning each and every kiss to a tear-streaked cheek, Ivan nuzzled lips just under his baby's chin. "All...All the time in the world, Damien. I put the kettle on, I'm making a pot of tea. About this morning...I apologize. I should have known it was far too early to touch you in such a manner. Dami, Damien!" His whispers now were spoken with tenderness as he kissed an earlobe, burying himself in the young one's arms.

The electric kettle had long since turned off by itself. Not bothered, Ivan continued his rocking, whispering sweet words into his lover's ear. He placed gentle kisses here and there, tugging at some nearby folded blankets. Pulling it over them, the wolf leaned back into the couch and relaxed. The younger followed, leaning against him heavily. As careful as he could, Ivan guided Damien closer, sealing their bodies. It was a silent message of hope Damien always wanted to hear - not every touch is meant to be sexual. Their bodies pressing against one another was to be of comfort, not to imply anything; Damien had often wondered about Ivan's motives in touch when they had first became lovers. Stroking the young one's back, shushing softly in his ear, Ivan rocked his lover gently, smiling at the way Dami's hands wrapped around his neck in response.

"I really wanted to, Ivan. I-I still do." Despite the shivers starting down his back, Damien let his eyes fall closed as if it'd help him continue. "I wanted to make love with you last night. I-in my mind, I'm ready, I really am. But my body, i-it keeps betraying me, I can't stop the flashbacks." He tried not to tremble as Ivan began to stroke his back, "Youhave to hate me now..."

That pillar of strength within him was crumbling faster now, the force that kept his eyes dry started to falter. It was the self-blame again, that hated game Damien had played, believed in with all his broken heart. Throat tightening, Ivan struggled to find his voice, "No, no, no, Damien, no...Shhh, I don't, there is no way I ever could. Honey, sweetie, please look at me." His hands now gently held the younger's face as it turned this way and that to avoid his gaze, "Dami, I could never-" "I let him, I let him, I-Ivan please, don't! I want to get up, I, no!" His lover started in barely a whisper but now it grew louder as Dami grew more frantic, struggling to get out of his lap. Quickly, the older secured his arms around the puppy's middle, keeping Damien close, shushing all the while as tears started to well in his eyes.

"Ivan, no! Don't hold me, don't! N-no!" His voice breaking, Damien tried once more to wriggle out of Ivan's grasp but again he was held fast. The shame of being touched and dirtied swept up on him suddenly, and that terrifying feeling of every second of the rape brushing over him as it always did. The emotions, the fear he had felt now barely rooted into his mind before leaving as quickly as it did.I-Ivan... No longer able to shake, he felt his body grow limp as he leaned against Ivan's bare chest, his tears spilling down his face.

"N-no, stop, don't..."

Lowering his face, Ivan slowly placed a kiss upon Dami's collar bone, the soft skin against his lips felt amazing. Closing his eyes, he dragged his mouth gently to kiss the other side of the delicate bone. Carefully, Ivan released his lover and traced random patterns down the puppy's trembling back that jerked with choked sobs. Working his way down an arm, holding the limb out, the older let his lips touch every inch of skin; Damien didn't like it at all. "-you can't, oh Gods, stop!" That wavering, breaking voice stabbed daggers into his heart, but he didn't stop, he had to keep going. He wanted to, and Dami needed him too - his lover felt himself dirty, and what he was doing now proved he didn't mind. An odd patch of raised welts touched his lips - barely cracking an eye, Ivan saw that there were a few bite mark wounds left on Damien's left forearm. His kissing here made Dami jump terribly,

"No! You can't, nnn-" He stifled his sobbing, half-heartedly trying to pull his arm away from Ivan's careful hold. Everywhere hurt, needed to heal despite having no bruises or marks aside from this forearm. The last visual evidence of what happened, and Ivan was kissing it. It was unbelievable. Ivan didn't mind his filthiness, and Damien, with his whole being, didn't want Ivan to mind. But the fact that his older lover still loved him was so hard to believe. Damien felt more tears cascade down his cheeks as he looked at anywhere but his lover. Ivan grazed his lips gently over his healing wounds, and with so much effort, Dami muffled his sounds, his words and let him. Still in Ivan's lap, his body writhed, the anguish and disgust in himself wanting him to run away from this show of love. But he stayed.

"Not there, I-I could've stopped him, I could've, could've punched him, or anything! Please-" Ivan ignored the apology and continued to kiss down to each fingertip.