A Long Good-bye

I stood at the lectern looking over the packed chapel. In the front row were my immediate family, son Andrew and daughter Jessica, mother Frances and father Brian, and my mother and father-in-law Betty and Peter. The rest of the people came from a variety of sources with one thing in common, they have all come to say good-bye to Miranda Williamson, my wife.

"I have instructions from Miranda, she asked that I should lead you all through these moments together. This is her faith in my love for her and my strength that her love for me has given me. I will begin with her words." I took a sheet of paper from my pocket, placed it on the lectern and spread it open. "I fought this battle for as long as I could, sadly I have lost. But I went down fighting, I did not give in to it, I did not give up my life, it was taken from me. I ask that you show similar courage today and hold your heads high."

'Wet not my lips with your tears of sadness at my passing.
Remember instead the joys of our times together,
And the love that we shared between us,
Allowing us to rise above the hard times,
And to enjoy our perfect lives together.
Wet not my lips with your tears of sadness at my passing.'

"I will try to live up to her faith in me but, if I don't succeed, I'm sorry my Darling, forgive me. I will eventually rise above this sad day and remember only the good times we had together, but please allow me to grieve for just a while."

"The Miranda I loved was the most wonderful person that I have ever met. She came into my life at just the right time, a time when I was looking for direction, for a point to life. I had just graduated from University and had begun my first job, I could quite easily have gone down the path that so many young men of my age had taken, that of endless parties, drunken debauchery, but she was a steadying influence. Don't get me wrong, we had a good time, but in moderation. When the time came for our relationship to move to the next level it was a joint decision, thought through by us, it all sounds clinical, but it wasn't so. Like all of our decisions, once made it was acted on with love. Our decision to marry was the same, if I'd got down on one knee and asked her to marry me she would have told me not to be stupid. We were talking about our future and marriage entered into the plans and it was decided that this was the best thing for us to do, so we did. Those of you who were there at our wedding will remember it to have been a day of immense celebration. The decision to have Andrew wasn't planned, it was inevitable. When two people love each other as much as we did and made love as much as we did, the chances of her falling pregnant are pretty high. Having said that, we never looked on Andrew in any other way than that he was our son who was the result of our loving each other."

"Throughout our lives together Miranda and I never lost that spark of love that existed from the very first moment we met. There were times when we were tested, but these times were the opportunity we needed to demonstrate to each other the power of that love we had for each other. This was even more so when she received the news that she had cervical cancer. Doctor Matt, our Doctor, called us both in to his surgery to break the news. He knew that I needed to be there, he knew that Miranda needed me there when he broke the news. It wasn't easy for him, he'd been our doctor for years and knew us well, and this led him to the best way to how to break the news. 'I won't beat about the bush because I think that you already know what I'm going to say. What I will do is to go through the alternative treatments available to you and discuss with you the pro's and con's of all of them. We will then reach a decision, it is your decision, I'm just here on an advisory capacity, and I will honour the decision that you make.' We talked about it for several minutes and, when we decided what to do, he promised his full support. He never went back on that promise or attempted in any way to influence that decision, and for that we are all grateful."

"Miranda's final days should have been sad if it wasn't for her spirit and determination, but the last week was particularly difficult for her, the pain was getting to her. But that last day she rose above that pain, it was as if she had decided that she was ready to go. If, when my time comes, I can leave with the same dignity that she showed, I will be happy. Good-bye my love, I will miss you but I know, I can feel inside me, that your love will never leave me just as my love for you will never die. Good-bye."

"Miranda was not a church person, but she was the most Christian person that I have ever met, and this made her a good person. She loved church music and we'll listen to her favourite piece, the Gloria from Misa Criolla, the Tenor on this version is Jose Carreras. She told me one day that this piece was the perfect antidote for a down moment, the beginning raised her spirits while the quiet movement allowed her a moment of reflection in which she could work through whatever the problem was before the finale raised her feelings and lifted her away from the problem. I hope that it does the same for your here today." I pushed the button on the media player and the Latin rhythm swelled up and filled the room, raising the spirits before easing into the slow section, before once more swelling, raising its rhythms into the highest point of the room.

"I will now call on our son Andrew to reflect on his times with her."

Andrew stood and walked to the lectern. He had a piece of paper that he spread out and then ignored. "I had a speech prepared to read out today but, listening to that music I decided that I would allow my heart to guide me. Mother was to me the person that I could turn to for advice, for love, for her gentle soothing of my hurts whether they be physical or emotional. She was as adept at repairing my skinned knees as she was at my broken heart when my first true love dumped me, and I felt that my world had come to an end. She lifted me up by telling me that she hadn't died when her first true love had cruelly discarded her for another. Her words to me were, that if that hadn't happened she would never have met her real 'one true love', my father."

"She was the glue that held our family together, Father was the solid foundation that was always there to give us something to cling to and to love us, but Mother was the one who solved the little problems that all families have. She it was, who could be relied on to feed our friends when they came over, and made sure that we all followed the rules. She would listen to their problems and if she could, she'd help them through it, or if they wanted, intercede with their parents. The beauty of it was that my friends' parents never felt that she was intruding into their lives and respected her for what she did."

"She and Father provided us with an example of what family life should be like. They never argued in front of Jess and I, but I'm sure that words were spoken in the privacy of their bedroom, but they never emerged unhappy in the mornings. This became even more obvious following the diagnoses from hell, she had cancer. She had been feeling unwell for a while and Father convinced her that she should get it checked out, the news was bad. I have to thank our GP (doctor) here, he told her straight up front that the news wasn't good, and that she was in for a rough time of it, and that she shouldn't bear the burden herself, that we, her family would support her, that he would support her in whatever treatment path she chose."

"She was inspirational, when the chemo resulted in her hair loss, she came out one day, and this is the first time that I ever heard her swear, she said, 'fuck it, I'm not hiding under a wig, or a bandana, that would tell people that I was suffering from cancer, I'm bald and proud of it and I'm fighting this thing with my head held high. It might get me in the end but it ain't gunna get me easy.' When the time eventually came she gathered us together and held our hands, she looked at each of us and whispered that she was proud to have been a part of us. Her last words were, 'Good-bye my Darlings, I leave you knowing that we have loved each other, please kiss me good-bye so I can leave in peace.' She spoke to each of us individually and, while I don't know what she said to the others, her words to me were of hope and love. We each kissed her lips and she closed her eyes and left us."

"I have cried often since then, but in honour of her, I will try to obey her by not crying now. Good-bye Mother, I love you."

I stepped up to him and hugged him to me for a moment before releasing him. He stood next to me. "We will hear another of her favourite pieces, this time it is the Adagio movement from Rodrigo's Concerto de Aranjues." The music again filled the room and the people listened in silence until it finished. Nothing was said as the final chords filled the air but there was an exhalation of breath from them all.

"I will now ask Jessica to say a few words."

Jessica was so much like a smaller and younger version of Miranda it wasn't funny. In time she would grow to be exactly like her mother, but she had a few years to go yet. She stood looking over the crowd while she gathered her thoughts. "Mother, you left me before you were supposed to, you didn't get a chance to see me grow into a woman. I wanted so much to be able to show you that I could be just like you, to do things the way that you did. I wanted to be just like you, and I will be, but fate has taken you from me, from us before you could see the result of your efforts. You were my role model in everything, when I had a problem, it was you that I turned to for help, it was you who taught me the valuable lessons in life, and when you were sick, you taught me another valuable lesson, how to die with dignity. It was you who told me that death was not to be feared, and that it was just the final chapter of life."

"Andrew mentioned that she helped him when his first girlfriend dumped him. I haven't experienced that yet, so he's going to have to help me now that she's gone. She taught me a lot, but there is still much to learn and I hope these two," she indicated Andrew and me, "are up to the challenge. Mother, you are my inspiration in all things, you have told me that I am to be the best that I can be, to do the best that I can, if I can do that half as well as you did I will be pleased."

"We are all here to say good-bye to my Mother, your friend, and in honour of her I ask that you do it with the dignity that she showed in her journey through each chapter of her life. She didn't go to church but she told me that her relationship with God didn't need a church, and that she prayed often. In honour of her beliefs I ask you all to bow your heads and pray silently for her soul."

Jessica stepped back from the lectern and hugged Andrew and I and we stood together, heads bowed.

"Before we say our final good-byes to Miranda, one thing she wants us to know is that part of her lives on, following her instructions, as an organ donor we instructed the hospital to remove all of her usable organs and use them for patients that need them to survive. This was typical of Miranda, always thinking of others and helping when and where she could."

"This is her final musical choice, she wasn't a huge fan of opera, but said to me that this is the piece that we should play at her funeral because it has the best fade out that she's ever heard, it is the Flower Duet from Delibes's Lachme." I pushed the button for the last time and the coffin slowly sank into the floor to begin its final journey.

The three of us stepped down to be hugged by her parents and mine. Light refreshments were provided by the Funeral Directors, and while we nibbled at the food and drank a cup of coffee, people came to us to offer personal condolences before moving off to wherever.

The family drove back to our house for our own private grieving time, a time where we could let our feelings go and cry over our loss. Soon there was just the three of us seated around in the living room, not saying anything but feeling each other's loss. It was getting dark when Jessica stood up. "I don't know about you guys, but I'm feeling a little hungry. What would you like me to cook for dinner?"

"How about something simple and easy, like deep fried chicken and chips, that was her favourite quick meal." I said.

"Done, Andrew could you give me a hand?"

I wandered off to my bedroom that felt even lonelier than it had the past week when she eventually relented and allowed us to take her to the hospital that could offer her the palliative care that she so desperately needed. I lay on our bed and closed my eyes. I felt the first time that we did this:

"Are you sure that you want to do this?"

"Sure I'm sure, I've waited for simply years for the right guy to come along, and now that you're here I'm not letting you go until you do this thing. I do not want to stay a virgin any longer. You are going to relieve me of this burden for once and for all."

"That makes two of us. I don't want to be a virgin anymore either." We kissed to seal the deal and she undid my shirt buttons and waited while I undid her blouse. We alternated, taking an item each until we were both naked on the bed. It wasn't the first time that we had been naked, but it was the first time that we were naked for a purpose, and that purpose was to put the final seal on our relationship. Up until that time we were an item, good friends, best mates, inseparable partners, but not lovers. Now we were about to become lovers.

"He is magnificent." She said as she stroked him into life.

"You are magnificent, not just what's between your legs, the entirety of your being is beautiful." I was exploring the beauty that was between her legs, preparing it for the moment to come.

"I'm ready for you, please be gentle."

I parted her legs further to allow me to kneel between them and lowered myself onto her. She raised her hips to meet me and the tip of my cock entered her pussy. I held it there for a moment or two before pushing it in further until it met with the resistance that was her hymen. "I can feel it, don't be afraid of hurting me, push it in." I pushed, and at first the resistance was holding, and then with a rush I was through. "Oh, that wasn't as bad as I thought it would be."

We made love for the first time, slowly, embracing the whole momentum of lovemaking, not wanting to rush to finish what we had started. When we came it was an indicator of our future, it was together, the crescendo that was so slow in its build-up gently built until with a final crash we came together. Laying side by side I heard her begin to sing, it wasn't words, it was Ravel's Bolero. She stopped when she saw my puzzled expression. "We made love to Bolero, I began to move to the music and you joined me and we slowly built into the climax. We even managed to match that finale perfectly and the feel of you spurting into me was perfect. It was great, and I want it again as soon as he's capable."

There was a soft knock on the door. "Dinner's ready Dad."

"Okay, I'll be right out." I realised that I had been crying so I wiped my eyes before heading for the kitchen. Jessica had served dinner and we ate in silence. Both of them had shed a tear or two since we got home and I didn't blame them one bit.

"When are you picking up her ashes?" Andrew asked.

"Tomorrow, we'll all go together and we'll take her to where she wanted to be."

"When does this start to get better?" Jessica asked me. She'd got up from her chair and was clearing the table. She put the pile of plates down and hugged me.

"I don't know Jess. I don't even know if it stops quickly or just fades away, we'll just have to support each other when it gets rough." I patted her hand and she continued to clear the table.

"I'll give you a hand with the dishes." Andrew said as he stood up and went with her into the kitchen, leaving me to my thoughts.

It was a testament to our love for each other that, try as I might, I could not remember one sad moment until the very end. Even when Miranda was sick from chemo she kept her spirits and mine alive, she had never been one to dwell on the negatives, she wasn't just a cup half full type, her cup continually overflowed, and she carried me along with her. "I'm just going to lie down for a while." I called to the kids.

"Try not to cry this time." Jessica said.

"I'll try."

Back in our bed I did try, with some success, but memories of Andrew's birth and the joy on her face at her achievement in producing such a perfect child, and the way that she clung to me and thanked me for being with her at the birth, as if you could have kept me away, and the joy on our parents' faces when we arrived home with him. It was the completion of the beginning of our family.

Andrew grew up healthy and strong. He excelled academically and in sport, and it was with great pride that he came home at the beginning of his final year at High School and announced that he had been elected School Captain. His final grades were enough to gain him a place in Medical School and he had visions of becoming a surgeon when he graduated.

He was working hard and coping well with the studies, Doctor Matt was his mentor, supporting his studies and giving advice when necessary. He now had a steady girlfriend (Julie) who he saw often and who often spent time with us, sleeping over, and we believed that she and Andrew were lovers. They were talking of marriage when he graduates, but as that is some time away they are prepared for a long wait. Neither of them has shown any inclination of breaking up and Miranda and I were pleased to see him so settled.

Jessica was a gorgeous baby, but then I might be a tad biased, and she grew into a lovely, bright vivacious and popular young girl. She is in her final year at High School and was at first a Prefect. The choice of School Captain had come down to her and a boy and, while she was the popular choice among the students, she told the Principal that she would drop out of the selection process in favour of the boy. He was unaware of this and assumed that he had won the position because he was better than she was and made himself unpopular with the students by the way that he lorded it over them. Around the middle of the first term a deputation went, unbeknown to Jessica, to the Principal demanding that the Captain be replaced. In consultation with the staff it was decided that a change was necessary and he was replaced by Jessica. He took it badly and assaulted her on the way home from school. The police were called but Jessica refused to press charges, he had a smug expression on his face, thinking that he had some power over here, until she faced him. "The reason that I'm not pressing charges is that you will punish yourself more than the law is able to, when you realise that your actions were those of a coward. You didn't know that the only reason that you were chosen in the first place was that I dropped out, allowing the school no choice but to choose you. If you had accepted that with good grace the kids would not have gone to the Principal to demand they replace you. You will have to live with your actions and face them knowing that the kids are aware of the whole truth."

Miranda and I were unaware of this until we received an invitation to call on the Principal. He told us the whole story and how proud he was of Jessica, and that they lived in hope that she would go on to greater things.

When Jessica began High School Miranda went back to work part-time with the company where she worked before we married. They had asked her to return full-time but she refused, her priority was always to her family. She needed to be available to them before and after school and during vacations and her bosses were quite happy to accede to her wishes. It was a happy arrangement all round. From my position during the funeral I noticed that the loudest sobs and the most tears seemed to come from her bosses and work friends.