A Night at the Bakery

I recognized the master of ceremonies as Bill Shipton "We are gathered here to join two wammers. Simon and Sharon. In custard and in pies, for deep gunge and shaving foam for as long as they both may smear each other with jam."

Sharon smiled as we started the ceremony, I realized quite quickly this was no ordinary wedding. Sharon and Hilary approached with two cages dressed with ribbons. Bill spoke. "Sharon do you promise to pie Simon regularly."

She smiled. "I do..." She grabbed a pie which was being offered from Hilary and slapped it in my face slowly twisting it. There was a cheer from the crowd. She smiled and took another two pies and sandwiched my head.

"Do you promise to fill his pants with honey?"

Sharon grabbed my waistband and taking the offered jug started to pour sticky honey down the inside of my trousers.

"Do you promise to use beans when you can?"

The bucket of beans were cold as Sharon poured them over my head, they dripped down my white shirt and coated my jacket and trousers. This was followed by a jug of gravy which she filled by pockets with until they overflowed and mashed potato which she crammed down the back of my trousers.

Bill turned to me. I smiled as I looked at Sharon's white dress.

"Simon do you promise to pie Sharon?" I didn't need telling twice and took a big cherry cream pie and gently lifted her veil and slowly smeared the pie into her features. I was careful to leave the dress as clean as possible.

"Do you promise to fill her tights with butter cream?"

I smiled and took the large bowl from Hilary and asked her to lift Sharon's dress. She was wearing beautiful underwear with white tights, in the circumstances I could understand why as I started to fill the front of them and massaged the thick, gooey butter cream down her legs. Sue handed me another bowl and I filled the tights almost to bursting before Hilary lowered the still clean dress.

"Do you promise to treat her to sticky treacle?"

Now I knew that the dress was to be no more. I took the first bucket and held it above Sharon's head and poured. The thick tar like ooze dribbled from the bucket and across her hair. Soon her head was coated and it was starting to slide down onto the dress in slow drips. The second bucket went on and coated more of the front of the dress until it was black.

"Do you promise to flour her when she deserves it..."

I took the flour and poured it across the sticky treacle, the white returned to her dress. Sharon spluttered and spat treacle and flour out.

"I now pronounce you true wammers!" The crowd cheered. "You may kiss your bride." We embraced and kissed which was the cue for Hilary and Sue to cover us in buckets of brightly colored cake batter. We were totally coated. The girls helped us onto a flat bed trolley which had four chairs on it. We sat at the front and the two girls sat behind us. Slowly we were pulled with a long rope down the aisle.

It was then I noticed that each of the crowd had buckets, pies, jugs... We were bombarded, cream pies, treacle, custard every food stuff you could imagine was hurled at us as we were pulled down the aisle. The food was so heavy and made each of us into sticky blobs. At the end we were unrecognizable and had to be helped to our feet. The crowd helped us stand, and then started to undress us rapidly until we were all standing in our somewhat clean underwear. We were ushered towards a set of stairs.

Chapter 7 - Swimming Lessons

As we climbed the stairs I wondered what was about to happen. We found ourselves on a catwalk, as I looked down I saw that we were standing above a huge vat of red liquid, the sign said that this was the jam vat. I then saw the diving board which was over the surface and it all became clear.

I took Sharon's hand and we stepped hand in hand onto the board we edged to the end before embracing and taking the final step. There was a short plunge before we hit the surface of the thick jam, we sank quickly and re-emerged totally covered in a thick layer of jam.

We waved towards Hilary and Sue and they leapt hand in hand off the diving board to join us. We all hugged in the thick sweet jam.

"Thank you..." I smiled and kissed Sharon. "And thanks to you two..."

Hilary laughed. "We wouldn't have missed this for the world."

We swam and caressed in the warm jam for about an hour before finally climbing out exhausted. Hilary and Sue left to go to the changing room. Sharon smiled. "You are very good you know... For a beginner!"

"Thank you." I paused. "Thank you for my WAM wedding... How about the real thing?"

Sharon gasped. "Oh Simon yes..." We embraced and kissed.

"Do you think that Bill is licensed to do proper weddings?" I laughed.

Sharon led me down to a quiet part of the bakery and closed the door. "Now, how come everyone else has had their fun and not me?" I took Sharon by the hand and started to remove the sticky remains of her lingerie and we has hungry, passionate sex lying on a pile of flour sacks.

Chapter 8 - Happy Endings

On our real wedding day we had to have Hilary and Sue as our bridesmaids, Bill was there but was not the person who married us. The party was second to none and, for once, we did not throw the cake about. There were cheers as we left and got into our decorated car. It was then that Sharon turned to me. "Now, you have been very secretive, where are we going on honeymoon?"

I laughed. "Well, we are visiting a chocolate factory which has gone bankrupt in Switzerland, another bakery in Italy..." She cut me short with a deep kiss.

"You know, I think that being married to you will be very interesting!"

The End... For now...