A Prison Break Ch. 03

"No, honey, it'll be a guard, but… really, I don't think you'll have to worry about it. I mean… you're not a prisoner. They know you could make a complaint on them."

I'm sure she knew that would cause her hell if I did complain. I imagined some rough, gay fuckin' guard would point that out to me too. "Yeah… ahhh… sure… I mean, it's no problem." My mind was reeling and I was so nervous about all of it, including Lana, I didn't even wonder about Barb getting cavity searches, and if there were lesbian guards doing the fingering so I didn't think about her saying -- You're not a prisoner, and the implications of that regarding her. "So... ahh... next Sunday."

"Uh-huh. That's… all right with you, isn't it?" Barb looked scared again. "You... you still really... do want to make love with me, don't you?"

I took a breath. "Yeah, of cour..." I forced a small smile to my mouth. "Yes, I want to make love with you next Sunday. I want to make love with you... every day." I can't describe what my gut felt like at that moment, even though I guess it was the truth. I guess I would want to make love to her everyday. I'd also want to make love with Lana everyday. I forced my smile to grow.

She started to smile as her face scrinched and more tears ran down her face. She giggled and softly sobbed simultaneously. Her voice was strained. "I love you so much." She giggled-sobbed again, then added, "You're so cute sometimes."

I felt the fucking complications of my life double. I felt the weight of my guilt and self-hatred skyrocket. My mind was in overdrive, thinking about Lana, Barb, how I had fucked up everything so badly, how weak, stupid, and foolish I was. I don't know how, but my small smile stayed in place and I said, "And you're beautiful all the time." As soon as that passed my lips, it was the lowest I had ever felt in my entire life.

"I guess we should tell Lana now. She'll..." Barb smiled and wiped her eyes with the napkin. "She'll probably be happy she won't have to come next week. She can have a Sunday with her friends."

"Yeah... yeah, I guess we should... ahh... tell her."

Barb squeezed my hand as she looked towards the vending machines. I didn't want to think about Lana's reaction to the news. I watched Barb smile, really more of a grin, as she waved to her daughter. Again I found it difficult to breathe for a few moments. My gut couldn't have been more knotted. Barb pulled her hand from mine so she could blow her nose. Before Lana reached the table, her hand was clutching mine again.

Lana sat down. She put three candy bars in the center of the table.

Barb did the talking. She told Lana she had been granted the privilege of having some "private time" with me next Sunday, so even though she really wanted to see Lana too, it wouldn't be much fun for her waiting around for over an hour all by herself. Barb told her she should make some plans with friends, then said she'd miss her very much, and hoped with all her heart she'd keep coming every week after that. She said she'd not be able to have private time with me all that often, months in between. Barb said that only bad thing about it, would be not seeing her.

At first Lana's brow pinched, then her face went slack when she understood what "private time" meant. Her jaw clenched for a moment, then she just said, "Okay." She sipped her soda as she looked at the barred high windows in the cafeteria/visiting room. She didn't say much for the remaining twenty minutes of the visitation. No one ate the candy bars.

I tried my best to fill in the conversational gaps even though my mind was still reeling and my gut so tight it actually ached. I didn't want Barb to notice the change in Lana. I felt like a bigger and bigger shithead as the minutes passed. When it was finally time to leave, I was glad to see that when Lana hugged Barb, she at least put her arms loosely around her mother, but not like the squeezing hugs over the past few months.

When I kissed and hugged Barb, she whispered, "I'm really looking forward to next weekend, sweetie."

She hadn't called me 'sweetie' in a very long time. "Yeah... yeah, me too, Barb."

Lana and I were both mute as we headed out of the prison. In the parking lot I unlocked and opened her door first, then closed it for her when she climbed in. I walked around the truck. She didn't lean over to open my door as she had started to do a few months ago. I unlocked it and got in. Her arms were folded over her chest, her jaw was tight. She was blankly staring out the windshield.

"So... you're going to FUCK her next week! You knew about it! Why didn't you tell me?!"

"I didn't know about it."

"That's a lie! You knew! You'd have to know!"

"I didn't know!" I told myself to cool down. "Barb… Barb never mentioned it and… I never asked.

"No, you didn't ask because…. because you were getting your fun with me! You… you were using me! You… you don't care about me at all! And… and now you're going to be back fucking HER!"

"I do care about you. You have to know I care about you. Jeezuz, Lana, I-I told you I wasn't going to leave Barb, what… what the hell can I do about the visits, these conjugal visits? She wants them. I am her husband. I told you that. I told you I wasn't going to divorce her. You knew th…"

She interrupted, "Yeah, but... but you didn't tell me you'd be fucking her! You didn't mention that very often when... when you were fucking... FUCKING ME! I never would have let you fuck me if I knew you were going to go back to fucking HER!"

My jaw clenched. She seemed to have forgotten it had been her making the first move, her teasing me, her propositioning me like a cheap whore, so she could fuck me. I told myself again to keep my head. "Lana…" I wasn't sure what to say. I took a slow breath and kept my voice soft, "I care about you. I don't want to hurt you, but I did tell you that I wasn't going to divorce Barb. I didn't know about this conjugal visit thing until today, until after Barb asked to talk to me alone. That's the truth." I looked at her. Her arms seemed tighter across her chest. She was staring out the side window.

"Maybe… maybe I should fuck someone else too next Sunday. How would you like that, huh?!"

I was surprised that hadn't crossed my mind. "I… I wouldn't like it."

"Well… I don't like you fucking her! So…. So tell her you can't do it!"

I exhaled slowly. My voice was soft and low, "Lana… I can't do that. You know I can't."

"Then... then-then you're never going to fuck me again! I-I-I'm not ever going to let you touch me again! Never!"

"Lana… come on. Let's… let's not… not get pissed at each other. I… I don't want this to hurt you, and I…"

"I'm not hurt! I'm not hurt at all! And… and there isn't anything to talk about. You're going to fuck her. So… so SHUT UP and-and-and leave me alone! I-I don't wanna talk to you anymore!"

I leaned towards her and cupped her upper arm. "Lana, listen..."

She jerked her arm away from my grasp and verbally cut me off, "I don't wanna listen! I jus'... Just take me home! I wanna go HOME!"

I sat straight and gazed at the prison as I started the engine. I guess I knew everything was going blow up in my face all along. I guess I just didn't expect it to be so soon. I twisted to look out the rear window as I slowly pulled out of the parking slot.

*

The rest of the week seemed like some time warp, a jump back to the past had happened. Lana didn't talk much. She no longer got up to have breakfast with me and help make my lunch. On the mornings she had an early class, she didn't come out to the kitchen. If I happened to see her in the hall, she didn't even return my "Good morning." She went out every evening, never warning me, just walked out of her room, dressed in her black jeans if it was cool, or her black miniskirt if it was warmer. She must have been in contact by cell phone with one of her girlfriends calling right before they arrived, because she'd walk out of her bedroom, sometimes announce without looking at me, "I'm going out," then continue out the front door. Most eveings she didn't say a word, just walked out. A moment later I would hear a car pull into the driveway and she'd get in.

I got pretty drunk on Wednesday, waited up for her to return from wherever to speak with her. When she came in I asked her repeatedly to talk and followed her down to her room. She slammed her bedroom door in my face and locked it. I pleaded with her for about five minutes.

All she said was, "Leave me alone! You're fucking her now, so talk to her!"

I almost broke her door down when she shouted that. I didn't though, just turned and started towards my bedroom. Half way there I muttered, "Well... fuck you too, bitch."

* * *

CHAPTER 12

My mind was still reeling, my gut and heart weren't much better, a storm of fear, guilt, regret, and self-loathing was swirling within me as I entered the building and stood in line for check-in.

I tried to get it together. As I shuffled ahead in the line, I thought about the months I had cheated on Barb and felt every ounce of guilt about it. I also gave thought to how I was now about to cheat on Lana too, which increased my sense of guilt. I kept asking myself how I could have possibly thought things would work out, that no one would get hurt, that it really had been a good way to handle it for the time being, that Barb actually seemed better because Lana was better, and I was even better during the visitations. I hadn't quit drinking but after Lana and I started sleeping together, I had tried harder to quit, at least keep it more under control, and I had been dryer overall, more days without any booze. That was good, wasn't it?

I knew I was bullshitting myself. I had rationalized all of it to at least feel "okay" about being a total asshole, not just to Barb, but to Lana too. I told myself I loved both of them, but did I really only love myself? No, that couldn't be right. I was the one I hated. Maybe what I only loved was my dick. What the hell was I doing screwing Lana even if I wasn't married to Barb? Jeezuz... she was only eighteen! She should be going out with guys her own age, not be in some goddamn fucked up relationship with me!

Was it a relationship? Yeah, of course it was. I never liked to think about that though. I didn't want to believe she was that emotionally involved in it, but I knew she was. Hell, so was I. Why did I think not saying I love you to her, and telling her not to say it to me, and also telling her that we couldn't fall in love, made it all okay and would somehow protect Lana and keep her from getting too emotionally involved with me? I was smart enough to know that emotions were involved and it's impossible to control those kind of deep emotions. I was smart enough to know I was just rationalizing, leaving myself a way out, covering my ass, giving myself an excuse for later use. The thing was I ignored everything I knew to be the truth.

For few minutes I wondered if I loved anyone, if I was even capable of love, real and true love. There were moments when I thought I did love. Moments I felt it so much I could almost physically touch it, with Barb, and... yeah, with Lana too. Was that just fooling myself even more?

I looked ahead in the line. It wasn't Antwan today. I wondered if that was a misspelling of 'Anton,' which happened to be my ol' man's name. I'd noticed that with African-American names. I was never sure if names like that were misspelled, spelled phonetically, or some totally different name, some Swahili name or something that was close to some 'normal name.' Was that a racist thought? No, it was a spelling thought. I recalled some black comedian's shtick about girl's names in the hood, sisters christened with names of household products. One had been 'Ipana,' the old toothpaste. My brow pinched, wondering if that toothpaste was still made. I closed my eyes and took a slow breath. Why was I thinking about stupid shit like that now?

"Next. You awake?"

I opened my eyes. It was a fat white guy. "Yeah."

"Metal objects in the box."

I got through check-in and entered the cafeteria area. I saw Barb already sitting at the table. She smiled and stood as I approached. We embraced, kissed, I hugged her and we did our code question and response. I could see she was nervous. I tried not to seem like I was.

"I found out that check-in at the… the other building takes a while, so… so we only have a half hour or so here, then… then you need to talk to one of the guards at the visitors entrance to be escorted to the other building."

"That's where… ahh… they'll do the cavity search?"

Barb nodded. She took a slow breath. "I'm… I'm so sorry about that, honey."

"Don't worry about it, Barb." I put a smile on my face.

We chatted nervously for twenty minutes. I got a soda and we split it. I think both our mouths were dry. When a half hour had elapsed, Barb got up and went to a guard at the prisoner exit of the cafeteria. She spoke to the woman for a couple minutes. The woman spoke into a radio, then nodded at Barb.

Barb returned and sat down. "We… we could start over there now. There's a small waiting room there I guess, one for visitors, one for the inmates, then… then we're both called when a room is open, but I think we'll just have longer to wait there. I guess they're a little behind already. Do… do you want to stay here or… or wait there?"

"We won't be together waiting?"

"No." Barb's eyes welled.

I took her hand in mine. "What's wrong, sweetheart?"

"I… I know this is all so awful. I-I wish it was all… all better. I'm… I'm so sorry it's not. I so sorry to put you thro…"

I interrupted, "Barbara, stop it. I'm not thinking anything like that. I want to be here with you, and… and make love with you today." I forced a smile to my mouth. "You know, I'd stand in line for days to have a chance with you, so… quit saying that kind of thing. Okay, it's not going to be Waldorf, so what?"

She grabbed a napkin and wiped her eyes. She held my hand tighter. "I love you so much, did you know that?"

"Yeah, and… I love you too, Barbara."

It was lucky we didn't leave earlier. It was another twenty minutes before a guard came over and told Barb and I it was time to go over to the conjugal building. Barb went with the guard out the exit on the other side of the room, I went back towards visitor check-in and was escorted out of the building then into a small single story concrete block structure. Inside I was strip searched, then a bored looking, middle aged guard did the cavity search. I expected it to be awful but it was quick, perfunctory, and hurt a little. The guard didn't say anything except, "Bend over," and then, "There's tissues on the counter. Get dressed and take a seat in the waiting room. Your name'll be called."

There were molded plastic chairs in the small waiting room. There were two other guys there, one white, one black. We didn't talk. There were some tattered Sports Illustrated, Time, Newsweek, and Family Circle magazines on a small table. They looked to be months old. I wondered who would read Family Circle. Were there lesbian conjugal visits? Ten minutes later the black guy was called and a guard opened the steel door to let him into a wide hallway. I didn't see the hall very well, just a brief glimpse. The white guy was called a five minutes later. I sat alone for ten minutes, then my name was called. The steel door opened and I was escorted down the hall.

The painted concrete block walls reminded me of the residence hall I lived in my freshman year in college. It made me feel like I had been here before. There were five rooms on both sides of the hallway. The guard stopped at a door about midway down the hall. He looked into a spy hole, like the ones people have at their front door, but this one looked into the room.

The guard gave me a smirky smile. "Just checkin' this is the open room." He unlocked the painted steel door and told me to go in and have a seat.

I knew the prick had looked in the spy hole to just let me know he could watch if he wanted. When I entered and I heard the lock bolt slide into the jamb behind me, I suddenly had a tiny taste of the sensation Barb must have had when she first arrived, maybe still did. I was locked in. There was a guy with a key outside of the room who ruled my life now. I didn't want to sit down, imagining all sorts of low life scum had sat naked, dripping cum on the plastic molded chairs and the plastic covered full size mattress. The room smelled of some sort of lemony disinfectant. I knew there probably wasn't any more jiz stains in this room than any cheap motel room, maybe all motel rooms. It just felt like there was. I heard the key in the lock again.

I watched the door open. I saw Barb holding the linen stacked on her forearms cantilevered in front of herself. I took a step towards her and the female guard shouted at me, while she grabbed the back of the collar of Barb's orange jumpsuit, yanking her back so hard, Barb's head jerked.

"You! Step back! Sit in that chair like you were told!"

I was looking at Barb at the time. Her eyes went wide, as if she thought I was going to give the bitch some shit. I backstepped and sat down. The guard let go of Barb, said, "Start your timer. Fifty minutes." She slammed the door and quickly locked it.

I stood up, took the linen from Barb's arms and dropped it on the mattress. Her eyes were brimming with tears. I hugged her tightly to me.

She started crying softly, "I-I-I'm so sorry… I… I know how awful this all…"

I interrupted, "Ssshh… We here, we're together, that's all that matters." I wanted to punch out the male guard. The prick didn't tell me to be seated when Barb came into the room. I pulled my head back and kissed her lips. My nervousness was now turning into an anxiety attack. I knew my dick was limp, probably the size of a cocktail wienie, if it could have, it probably would have crawled up into my groin. I broke the kiss and hugged her again. I felt her swallow a couple times.

"I… I guess it's fifty minutes and ten minutes for cleanup. I have to wash everything down afterwards, with a spray bottle and paper towels."

"Should we do that now, just in case the last couple didn't?" Among all the other shit going through my head, I couldn't stop thinking about other guys' cum smears around the goddamn room.

"No. The guard watches so it's done right. Will… will you help me make the bed?"

"Yeah. Sure."

We made the bed which included a mattress pad. I put the pillow cases on the plastic covered foam pillows while Barb tucked in the top sheet. We stood staring at each other after we finished.

Her eyes filled with tears again. "It's been so… so long."

I stepped up to her and took her in my arms. I kissed her cheek and held her close. "Like we're newlyweds again, huh?"

She giggled nervously. "I don't think we acted much like newlyweds our first night as husband and wife."