A Road Trip Fantasy

Jennifer started working as a medical assistant in our medical office about three months after my divorced finalized. At first, I didn't really notice her. I was part of a large medical group and turnover in the entry-level staff seemed to be the rule. We would achieve a state of relative stability, and then one person would leave for any of a number of reasons: a promotion, school, a job closer to home, a better paying job, or asked not to come back at all. Once the first person left, the cascade would start again, and I would be working with an entire new staff in short order. The patients kept coming though and the doctors mostly stayed the same year to year and the office kept humming along despite the bumps in the road.

Jennifer was the fourth and final in a line of four blond MAs our office manager had hired over the last few months to replace our previous crop of mostly brunettes. Looking back now, it seems appropriate that she would also be the last of the four to leave our office fifteen or sixteen months later. I had trouble telling the four them apart at the start, especially from behind when they all had their hair up in ponytails or buns. By the end, I knew exactly who Jennifer was.

After my marriage collapsed, I only had my work to keep me busy: seeing patients in the office, rounding in the hospital, and attending an increasingly long list of committee meetings in my early mornings, lunch hours, and evenings. For the time being anyway, I had sworn off romance. My wife and I had lost our virginity to each other, though not on our wedding day. We had been the best of friends and to the outside world seemed a perfect couple for the ten years or so that our relationship lasted. If I could not make a relationship work with someone like her, why would I ever try relationships and marriage again? Love just brought too many complications and too much heartache.

All of that is to say that I did not believe in love at first sight or love at all at that point in my life. If you take the "first" literally, then this story does not change that in any way. I did not fall in love with Jennifer on the first day or the second day or likely even the twenty-ninth day. If you take the second half of the phrase though, the "sight" portion, as really experiencing the presence of someone else not just as a back ground character or scenery in the play of your own life but really and truly apprehending their presence, their existence and vitality, then I would say that I did fall in love with Jennifer in that one first instant, in that one first glance when I did finally see her for the first time.

As I said, the office was busy and large. Jennifer and I were not often paired together in the beginning. I have a reputation for being tolerant and easy going with the staff, especially the new hires, but I am also busy. Working as my MA might be easy due to my nature, but a little rough because of the pace I needed to keep. The office scuttlebutt that I picked up from time to time suggested that certain MAs preferred not to work with me because I was too busy. They preferred being able to take their time (or phone breaks) with some of the doctors who set a little more sedate pace. It turned out that Jennifer was a quick learner, enjoyed her job, and was not afraid to step up and work. A couple months into her tenure, Jennifer's supervisor started pairing the two of us together more often.

When Jennifer and I worked together, my patients were roomed quickly, their data was in the computer, and papers were completed and ready. At least once a week I heard patients say how pleasant she was and how much she seemed to love her job. She coaxed the littlest ones to read the eye charts, put them at ease when they were scared, and got the shots over as quickly and humanely as possible. She even updated the office workflow to help speed up the prior authorization process for medications.

And then one day it happened. It was spring in the middle of a nondescript week on a nondescript day. My schedule was a mix of sick and well patients but not very heavy. The rotation schedule had kept Jennifer and I separate for a week or two, but now we had been working together a couple of days in a row. She caught up with me in the hallway. "Dr Stevens, can you verify Johnny's vaccines?" she asked.

Well honestly, I have no idea what she actually asked me, those words are gone now, but it must have been something as innocuous as that. I turned and looked up from the chart in my hand and the thoughts of my last patient or maybe of my next one. Who can tell what was happening when your world shifts so drastically? I saw Jennifer for the first time: her warm deep brown eyes lidded with long thick lashes, her straight nose with a rounded tip, her pink full lips, her oval face, her smooth rounded jaw, her wavy blond hair with light brown highlights cascading past her shoulders. An electric charge shot from my brain straight into my chest or maybe the opposite way, but I know I visibly jerked at the sight of her, of her beauty. Smitten: struck with a blow. Even though it sounds almost childish to use it, that was what I was, smitten by Jennifer. I never wanted to look away from her. I wanted to fall on my knees in front of her, to grab her and hold her to me, to confess my undying love.

Jennifer saw my reaction though I'm not sure she knew what it meant. She flinched back slightly and gave me a quizzical look. I must have looked the drooling idiot. Apparently, I answered her with something resembling coherent English because the smile returned to her lips, and she went off to finish her job. I went back to my office to try to reboot my brain.

After that, I noticed Jennifer all the time: the lilt of her laugh, the way she unconsciously touched the base of her neck when talking about a cute child, the playful light that danced in her eyes when she joked with her workmates (and oh, god yes, when she joked with me), the way the light played off her hair, and of course the curve of her hip and the swell of those beautiful breasts. Whenever I thought no one was looking, I stared at her in profile, from behind, from any angle I could. Whenever the weekly assignments came out, I looked to see if she would be working with me and if not would she at least be working in a pod close by. If I knew she was opening the office for the day, I arrived early to be nearer to her. If she were closing, I tried to time my leaving with hers so that I could walk down to the garage with her and the other MAs. I joked with her more often, thanked her and complimented her on her work, explained the medical decisions more often, hung out a little longer in the staff lounge at lunch if she was there, and made more small talk with her.

For all that schoolboy mooning, I tried to keep myself professional. When I went home at night, I tried to look rationally at myself and the likelihood Jennifer would ever feel the same way. I could never make the math add up in my favor.

I was a thirty-six year old divorced man. She was old enough to go out for drinks, but was probably twenty-two or twenty-three at best. We must have been more than a decade apart. I was too old for her. When her birthday rolled around though, I found out she was twenty-eight. An eight-year age gap sounded better than fifteen.

Jennifer was pretty and vivacious and surely had a boyfriend. On the other hand, she did attend the group's holiday party with one of the other women from the office while most of the staff who were part of a couple came with husband or boyfriend in tow. She never mentioned anyone special in my earshot, but she did go on a trip to Cancun with some "friends" and talked about hiking and camping with the same vague genderless "friends". I was too afraid to press any further for fear of what I might find out. She did talk about her parents and grandparents whom she still lived with and helped out. Without an obvious boyfriend, maybe I did have a chance, but of course maybe she was into women instead. She did not give me that vibe, but other people I worked with daily had fooled me in the past, and so I could not trust my judgment in that department.

As a rule, the group discourages office romances and the group's sexual harassment policy was clear about relationships between superiors and subordinates -- don't go there. Although I was not Jennifer's actual boss, the doctors certainly have a significant power over the staff. Most of them are relatively young, and don't have the years of education and experience the doctors have. Overall, they tend to respect us and probably look up to us. Their experience at work is definitely affected by the doctors. In that situation, it was inappropriate to approach Jennifer romantically. Any approach I made could easily be seen as harassment. If she rejected me, would I still treat her fairly? Would I start to level complaints with her supervisor over any mistakes she made? Would she just feel uncomfortable at work knowing my eyes were on her all the time? And if she did agree to go out with me, would it be real or because she felt she had to or to further her own agenda and advancement with the group?

Finally though, we worked well together, and I liked the comfortable relationship we had developed. We could joke and laugh together and smile at each other. We had a kind of friendship if only a work friendship. What did I have to loose? Everything. If I made a move, if I told her how I really felt, and she did not reciprocate, what small part of her I had now might be gone forever. Maybe she already had picked up on my clues and just wanted to continue as a friend.

Stalemate. My heart demanded I throw myself at Jennifer's feet and propose. My mind told me that was a bad idea. I pushed my feelings deep down. I allowed myself the surreptitious glances and inner sighs when she passed, but I kept my distance.

Nine months later, as suddenly as I had been smitten in the first place and just as decisively, I received a punch to the gut. That blow did seem to open a window of opportunity for me. A follow up dagger blow to the heart slammed that same window shut and laughed in my face.

The doctors, the front and back office leads, and our office manager, Elizabeth, were gathered in the nurses' station for our monthly office meeting. Elizabeth was reviewing our current staffing, in a word "short" when she said, "And next Friday is Jennifer's last day." Gut punch. I knew someday it would happen, but I still was not prepared for the physical force of those words. She had been taking some recent PTO without much of an explanation. Obviously job hunting. Still, hope springs eternal, and I realized with a jolt that since she was not longer an employee, many of my barriers to asking her out were falling. These thoughts were racing through my head, and so I did not hear the questions, but Elizabeth's answer brought me up short. "She's going to nursing school in Nebraska." Dagger thrust to the heart.

*****

It was the end of Jennifer's penultimate day. She would work the next morning, enjoy a good-bye lunch and be gone from my life forever. Even though we had worked together all day, I still had not found the opportunity to talk to her alone. There had always been another MA or doctor at the nurses' station with us. When I spoke to her, I needed a chance to save face when she shot me down, the chance for her politely demure without excess eyes and ears on us.

Fortunately, she was working the closing shift and before she got ready to leave for the night, she would stop by my office to check in one last time. I knew what I was going to say, but I still felt like a hormonal teenager about to ask out his first girl.

Footsteps approached in the hallway. I looked up to see Jennifer pass by my office to knock on the door of an exam room down the hallway occupied by one of my partners and his last patient. I heard him give his permission for her to go. I swiveled in my chair before she got to my doorway.

"Hi, Dr Stevens." She was flashing me one of her thousand watt smiles. "Do you need anything else before we go?"

"I'm good," I answered. "But listen. I was planning on picking up some bagels for your last morning. Is there a special flavor or cream cheese flavor you like?"

"Oh, you don't have to do that."

"I know I don't have to, but I'm going to anyway. So any requests?"

"You are sweet. Really, I like everything. Anything you get will be fine."

Strangely, the jitters were gone now that we were alone together at last. I could talk to her at ease forever. "Well..." I paused and gave her a questioning look. "No one else is here, right?" I asked and pointed to the hallway leading to the nurse's station. She shook her head. "Good," I continued. "I want to tell you that of everyone who has worked here over the years, you are my favorite. You're hardworking and reliable, but you are just lots of fun to be around. You bring an extra ray of sunshine to the office. Even though I know it is best for you, I'm really sad to see you go, and I am really going to miss you."

She blushed just a little and glanced back down the hallway. "Thank you. You know we," here she gestured toward the nursing station, "talk about how nice you are and calm and you never get flustered or frustrated with us. At least you never show it. We always like it how you take the time to teach us. So thank you." She bobbed now in the doorway as if unsure of what to say or do.

Just looking at her and feeling the warmth for her in my heart, I knew what I needed to say and plunged ahead before she could disappear. "So you don't leave for a few more weeks?"

"Not until early March."

"Well, I was hoping to give you my number, and if you have some free time, you could call me, and we could maybe meet up for lunch or something." No, it wasn't elegant, but I was still afraid of coming on too hard and frank rejection. Her cheeks had now taken on a distinct pink tinge, but from the heat in my cheeks I knew that I was blushing too.

To my relief, Jennifer dug her phone out of her pocket. "Okay. Shoot." I recited my number, and she repeated it back as she typed. "And then..." She tapped on her phone. My phone trilled the receipt of a text. "There's my number so you can give me a call if you want." She was beaming at me.

"Thank you," I said with a genuine grin on my face. It had been easier than I had hoped it could be. I tapped on her text, tapped the Add Contact command, then the phone symbol, and then put my cell my ear.

Jennifer jumped when her phone began ringing in her hand. She cocked her head at me with a smirk on her lips.

Her phone kept ringing.

I stuck to my guns and waved a hand at her phone to say, "Well, answer it."

Jennifer sighed, pushed the answer button, and put the phone to her ear. "Hello," her voice echoed from her mouth and my phone at once.

"Hi, Jennifer," I replied. "It's Aaron. You know, Dr Stevens, but since we don't work together anymore, Aaron is fine." She leaned against the doorjamb watching me and waiting, but I could tell she was fighting down a smile. "Well," I continued undaunted, "I wanted to know if you were available this weekend?"

Jennifer's face clouded just a little. "I'm sorry, Doc... Aaron. I'm going camping this weekend."

"Oh. Alright." My face must have fallen quite a bit, and I started to lower my phone.

Jennifer grabbed her phone in both hands as if afraid I would hang up though we were only feet apart. "But, you are off on Wednesdays, right?

I put my phone back to my ear and nodded. "Yeah, I'm off on Wednesday."

"I come back Tuesday. So maybe you could give me a call Wednesday morning, and we could get together then."

My smile was back. "That sounds perfect. I'll call you Wednesday morning. Maybe around ten o'clock?"

"Ten should be fine."

"Great. I'll talk to you then."

"Good. I'll look forward to your call."

"Bye."

"Bye."

We both hung up. We stared into each other's eyes for two seconds stretching into eternity and then both started laughing together.

Jennifer shook her head. "You are so funny. Goodnight, Dr Stevens."

"Goodnight, Jennifer."

Jennifer started to disappear from my doorway but then turned back, "And if I'm going to get to call you Aaron, in a few days, you can call me Jen, you know." And then she was gone.

I turned back to my computer, my eyes unseeing what was in front of me.

What I did picture in my mind's eye was Jennifer walking down the hallway back to whomever was left at the nurses' station. She would look bemused, probably shaking her head in a bit of disbelief when she rounded the corner. Emily and perhaps Theresa would be waiting for her to leave. When they saw her face, they would want to know what was up. With that same bemused looked, Jennifer would say, "Dr Stevens just asked me out." There would be gasps mostly of shock and more questions including, "What did you say?" "Yes," Jennifer would reply and there would be squeals from all of them. That's what I saw in my mind's eye. I listened and could hear the muffled sounds of conversation, and then yes, there it was, the squeals.

*****

Jennifer's last day arrived, and as promised, so did a box of bagels for the office with strawberry and honey almond cream cheese sides. I chose a chocolate chip bagel for Jennifer in it's own bag. Her face pinked when I gave it to her in front of the other office staff who had come to the break room for refreshments. She shot a warning look at Theresa and Emily which led me to surmise they indeed had been the two waiting for her last night and who knew about our pending lunch date.

I spent the rest of the morning willing myself to be present in the moment whenever Jennifer was near me. Rather than remain distracted by the computer or thoughts of my next task when she spoke to me, I made sure I faced her and looked her in the eye. I drank her in. I noticed every movement, every gesture, and every habit. I burned her image into my memory.

The morning came to an end. Jennifer roomed her last patient, processed her last prior authorization, tracked down her last x-ray report, gave her last shots, and logged her last vaccine doses. As usual, I was at my desk charting on my morning patients. Lunch had arrived, and people were eating, but I knew Jennifer was having her exit interview, and so I continued with my work.

For the last time those beautiful wavy blond locks popped into my office. "Lunch is here, Dr Stevens, if you want to join us."

"I'll be right there," I replied.

The break room was crowded, standing room only, for pizza, salad, and camaraderie. Jennifer and I both ended up leaning against the counter with Theresa, one of the front office staff, standing between us. All of the doctors made brief appearances, but I stayed the entire time. As usual, there was small talk about life but also reminiscences ("Tell us your favorite Jennifer moment."), and of course the good natured needling of a departing friend: "Thanks for abandoning us," "Well, I guess you'll never find out now," "We'll be thinking of you when its minus thirty in Omaha." I could have joined in, and in the past with other staff I dished it out with the rest of them, but I refused to say anything cold to Jennifer that day even in jest.

Finally, Jennifer could take it no more. "You are all being so mean." She said with exasperation but also with a smile and a laugh.

"You started it by leaving us," Theresa replied.

"I can't stay," Jennifer answered.

For the first time in a while, I spoke up. "Would it help if we got down on our knees and begged you to stay?"

Jennifer whipped her head to me, her mouth open for a rejoinder but stopped for a second regarding me. Then she gave me a haughty nod. "There's only one way to find out."

"Ooh," came the collective chorus from the rest of the room. Jennifer had me trapped, and she knew it. I was also now positive that many more than two people knew I had asked her out.