A Tale as Old as Time

"Won't everyone have an agenda?"

"I don't think so. I have an idea. Let's get up and get dressed and go find a church that is at least open to the possibility that gay people can be good, God-loving Christians. We can make it about me. I can be the one vexed. We can talk to the Pastor. I think we'll get an open mind that may help you divine His will, but not try to influence you one way or the other."

"I think that's a good idea," Luke agreed, getting up and preparing to head back to the athletic dorm. While he was gone, I quickly showered and searched for churches on my laptop. I decided we'd look at Bering, Ecclesia, and Resurrection. It was going to be a long day.

In the end, the choice was easy. Luke and I liked Pastor Seaver very much, we exchanged numbers with him, and we planned to attend Ecclesia the following Sunday. As we headed back to campus, I encouraged Luke to let Paster Seaver guide his discernment, and he encouraged me to do the same. I agreed. While I thought I had found my answer on my own, it couldn't hurt to repeat the process guided by the hand and wisdom of another.

Luke and I were both spending the summer on campus. I was the star of the mathematics department, so I was spending the summer researching and writing. In my spare time, I continued to try to solve the unsolvable, including the Goldbach conjecture and the Riemann hypothesis.

Luke was working on conditioning and strength under the eye of the coaching staff. He's be starting for the Owls the next season, and they wanted to ensure he had the arm strength and the stamina to pitch deep into games.

With few others on campus, Luke and I spent a lot of time together. We worked jointly and separately with Pastor Seaver, and we talked endlessly about the process we were going through. In the end, it was not much of a process. If you are raised as we had been raised and still thinking at 19 or 20 that you might be gay, you almost certainly were. You may let the censure, judgment, and ridicule of Sodomites push you into the dark recesses of your deepest closet, but that didn't change what and who you were; it only disguised it.

Luke and I did not want to wear a disguise, especially after working with Pastor Seaver. He explained, and we knew, that pretending to be what we were not would be unfair to whomever we decided to pretend with. I thought it would be unfair to myself and to my God, too, pretending to be other than how He had made me.

As I said, I also rejected the view that gay Christians are called to celibacy. Whether out of revelation or self-interest, I rejected the Traditional View and embraced the Reformed View. I wanted to be in a Christ-centered marriage. And, I wanted sex to be part of that marriage.

Luke was not so sure. He was torn between the two Views, and working with Pastor Seaver on the theological underpinnings of both. With gay marriage likey headed to the United States within the decade, it was meaningful work.

Chapter Six

Little cements a friendship like a joint journey to the brink of Hell and back. During the 2010-11 school year, Luke and I were together unless I was in a math lab or he was baseballing. We were so joined, Luke started calling me "Bennie," from Elton John's "Bennie and the Jets." He was, of course, the Jet(s). When I'd show up, he'd start the song. I liked the name a lot. It stuck. I didn't like Luke's singing. It stunk.

With our attachment and my open status on campus, I was surprised that rumors were not swirling around us. But, they weren't, a fact I confirmed with friends. Apparently, Jet's BMOC status - coupled with the fact he was now, like Tim Tebow, a poster boy for the Religious Right and the efficacy of its abstinence fixation - insulated him. On campus, my presence in his life was a confirmation of the Owl Program and of Jet's Christ-like goodness. Christ fraternized with whores. Jet fraternized with a gay.

I suspect some element of the campus viewed me as mission work. They hoped Jet was preaching the Gospel to me, trying to save me from the sinful path I had "chosen."

As a Junior, I was living "Beyond the Hedges" (i.e., off-campus). I had a one bedroom apartment that I basically shared with Jet. He was over all the time. We studied together. We prayed together. We researched and debated theologic points together. We tried to sway each other. He wanted me to listen to more Christian rock. I wanted him to listen to more Classic rock. He wanted me to stop solving math problems and be more social. I wanted him to stop watching Cub games.

As often as not, he slept over. Usually, he slept on the couch. But, sometimes, he slept in my bed. When he did, we almost always slept hand in hand, forehead to forehead, having fallen asleep while we prayed.

As the semester break approached, we made plans to visit each other over the holiday. I was driving to his house the day after Christmas. He was driving to mine the day after New Year's Day.

As I drove north on December 26, I wondered if Luke and I were a couple. Aside from sex, we were doing all the things couples do together. When he was not around, I missed him. When he was around, I delighted in him.

Luke's parents greeted me warmly and welcomed me into their home, especially Mother Black. When I mistakenly called her Mother Black instead of Mrs. Black, she broke into a broad smile. "I like that," she said. She was Mother Black to me thereafter.

Over dinner, she thanked God for bringing me into Luke's life and described me as the brother he always wanted but never had. If only it had been that simple.

That night, Luke and I were in the basement talking long after the Blacks had gone to bed. I didn't want to scare him, but I wanted to share question with him, to see what he thought.

"A funny question occurred to me as I drove up here."

"What's that?"

"Are we dating?"

Luke laughed. "Good grief, Bennie, we've been dating a long time."

"Really?"

"Yes. You didn't know?"

"No. I can't believe I've had a boyfriend and didn't know it."

"Well, you have. We're together all the time. What else could it be?"

"I thought we were just best friends," I admitted, laughing at my obtuseness.

"We are best friends. But, not 'just' best friends."

"I think it's time we kissed," I said.

"I think it's past time. I've been waiting for you. I've never kissed anyone. I don't know what to do."

"I haven't really kissed anyone either. I kiss my parents, but I don't think that counts."

"How should we do this?"

"We should stand up."

We did. We were face to face. But, we were helpless. We were like two foals trying to stand for the first time.

Sublimated and suppressed desire finally overwhelmed me, and I grabbed Luke's face in my hands, pressed my lips to his, and shared my first real kiss. Luke's lips were soft but firm, and touching them with mine sent a jolt of electricity throughout my body. My stomach tingled, like I had just crested the hill of a roller coaster and started the free fall.

We parted to catch our breath. I looked at the clock. It was 12:17 a.m. on December 27. I had been 21 years old for 17 minutes, and I had just shared my first real kiss. I had not told Luke it was my birthday, but he had just given me the greatest gift I had ever received.

"Wow," Luke said, taking a deep breath.

"Yes, wow," I confirmed, moving my mouth back to his and kissing him again. Slowly, our mouths opened, and our tongues touched. I was back on the roller coaster, again in free fall.

We kissed the night away. I kept checking the clock when we broke. At 1:31, we were still standing. By 2:57, we were seated on the couch. By 4:15, we were side by side on the floor. Most of the night, we held hands as we kissed. If we were not holding hands, any touching was above the waist, usually at the shoulders or around the neck.

By the time the sun came up, my lips were raw, and my stomach ached. I generally tried not to masturbate, but I needed to relieve the ache.

We also needed to make our way upstairs. We were already going to have to explain why we had slept in the basement, even though neither of us had slept.

When we got upstairs, no one else was up, so we continued up to our bedrooms. Once in my room, I went into the bathroom and relieved the ache in my stomach. It had to be done. I then showered and headed back downstairs for breakfast. I should have been exhausted, but I felt electrified.

Chapter Seven

At breakfast, I felt like we had scarlet letters on our foreheads and Mother and Mr. Black could see on our faces what we had done the entire night before. But, they went about breakfast like it was a normal day, and didn't pray during grace for the Lord to rescue us from abomination.

Still, breakfast was fraught. I tried not to look at Luke, as I knew I'd crack my face with a smile if I did. And, I feared the love I had for him would be apparent, betrayed by my eyes.

Yet, I had to look. I was in a dream, and I didn't want it to end. I also worried that Luke was not where I was, that the kissing from the night before had him reconsidering, and I wanted to know if it was. I thought I'd be able to read his face.

I looked at Luke out of the corner of my eye. He was looking at me when I did, and he smiled broadly at me. I raised my head and smiled just as broadly at him. I couldn't help myself. What I feared I would read on his face was not there. Instead, saw in his face what I felt in mine.

When breakfast was over, we headed upstairs to prepare to face the day. As soon as I was in my room, Luke was, too, closing the door behind him. He immediately pressed his lips to mine, and we kissed again, like we had the night before. He tasted of bacon and eggs and syrup. He was delicious.

As we kissed, our bodies were against each other. I could feel him hard against me. I wanted to touch him, but I couldn't.

That night, we were in the basement making out again long after Mother and Mr. Black went to bed. We kissed standing, kneeling, and then side by side on the floor. Luke rolled on top of me. Our tongues fought as Luke rubbed his body and his crotch against me and mine.

"You have to stop," I said. "I'm getting close."

"Me, too," he whispered. "But, I don't want to stop. Don't make me."

"You have to."

"Alright," he said, rolling off me.

We continued to make out. I could not get enough of Luke, and he could not get enough of me. It was almost midnight when Luke announced he had a birthday gift for me. I was surprised, as I had not even hinted that it was my birthday.

Luke handed me a box. In it, there was a Simon Pearce frame with a 5'x5' picture of him and me at the CWS. He had just saved the first of the three final games. The date was etched into the frame. In the snap, Luke had just pitched, and he was dark, hot, and sweaty. I had only watched, and I was just hot. His arm was around my shoulder, and my arm was around his waist. He smiled into the lens. My head was turned toward his. It was a beautiful picture of two boys in love, even if they didn't know it at the time.

The next morning, I was exhausted. I had gotten little sleep while visiting the Blacks. I said my good-byes and headed home. Luke would follow in three days. It was going to be a long three days.

We'd have less privacy in my house. Chass and Prude would almost certainly not leave us alone for hours to make out while our parents watched television above, oblivious.

We had a sprawling house with two separate sets of bedrooms. Mine and an empty room were at one end, and mine opened out to the pool. The master, the girls', and the formal guest room were at the other end.

When I arrived back home, Miss Lily wanted to prepare the house for Luke. "Preparing the house" involved a thorough cleaning. In addition to normal vacuuming and dusting, we cleaned baseboards and door frames, washed windows and window frames, and Swiffered walls. We also changed all the beds, rotated all the mattresses, and cleaned under all the furniture. Luke was a 20 year old boy who didn't or wouldn't pick up after himself, but we prepared the house as if girding for a military inspection.

Miss Lily originally planned to put Luke in the formal guest room, across the hall from Chastity and next door to Prudence. Seeing an opportunity, I seized on it, suggesting it might not look right to put a young man so close to two beautiful, blonde TCU sorority girls. Miss Lily barely acknowledged me as she picked up the guest basket she had prepared and marched to the other end of the house. The ploy had worked; Luke would be in the room next to mine, just through the Jack and Jill bathroom.

By New Year's Day, I was bouncing off the walls. For the first time in my life, I was starting a new year in love. And, I couldn't wait to tell Luke.

He arrived just before noon. A gracious host, Miss Lily insisted on escorting him to his room. I followed along, but there was no time for us to be alone. Luke dropped his stuff and was escorted by Miss Lily to lunch on the patio. The girls dominated lunch. They were clearly flirting with Luke. My parents ignored it, but it peeved me. Luke just soaked it in.

After lunch, we went to our rooms to change for a swim. As we turned to go into our separate rooms, I told Luke to meet me in the bathroom.

He did, and we finally kissed. It was a slow, gentle kiss. When we parted, I told him I needed to tell him something. I was nervous. My mouth was dry. My face was flushed.

"Whatever it is," Luke encouraged me, putting his arms around my waist, "it's okay. Just tell me."

I looked him in the eyes. I could muster only a whisper. "I love you, Luke Caleb Black."

Luke smiled and kissed my nose. "Look at you, Bennie, all flushed and nervous. You're just adorable. And, for the record, I love you, too, Evangel Michael Tyler. A lot."

We kissed again, greedily. I slid my hands under the back of Luke's shirt, touching his bare body for the first time. He did the same to me. My whole body tingled as I kissed his neck and moved my hands to his sides and then to his chest.

"Take your shirt off," I did

He did. Somehow, I had never seen Luke shirtless. He was ripped. He had a muscled chest with small, oval nipples and a mat of black hair right in the middle. The hair gathered and trailed over his visible abs, through his small but deep navel, and into the dress slacks he had worn to meet my family.

"Your turn," he said.

I pulled my shirt over my head. I was not built like Luke. Unlike him, I had no hair on my chest, only a small red trail from my navel into my jeans.

"Do you shave your chest?"

"No. I'm naturally bare."

"I like it," he said, kissing my neck, my nipples, and my chest.

"Luke, you have to stop. We have to get out to the pool. We'll be missed soon."

"It's getting harder and harder to stop."

"I know."

We parted and changed into our trunks. Luke followed me out to the pool. The girls were in two piece swimming suits, which shocked me. Miss Lily was not going to be pleased.

She wasn't. As soon as she arrived with a tray of lemonade, she sent both girls in "to put some clothes on."

The double standard always surprised me. Luke and I were far more in a state of undress then either girl, but our state was not immodest. Theirs was.

Luke and I stayed in the heated water, mostly to hide our erections. The girls stayed in their chairs, a portable heater adding just enough warmth. Miss Lily read under an umbrella. Father napped in his room.

I whispered "I love you" to Luke every chance I got as we horsed around in the water. Now that I had told him, I couldn't stop telling him.

Our horsing around mostly consisted of one of us shoving our crotch into the other. It was high school skin hunger at its finest.

We slipped shirts on and joined Miss Lily under the umbrella. She removed her sunglasses and questioned Luke about his faith, his family, and his celebrity status on the Right. He answered her with grace and humility. He assured her his story was not a story at all, that he was committed to abstinence, and that he didn't plan to have intercourse until he was married.

"How about you, Evangel?" she asked, putting me on the spot.

I wanted to answer "I can't have sex until Luke does." But, I didn't. Instead, I decided to play with her a little.

"I respect Luke and his views. I'm not sure I share them. I think two people should be committed to each other and in love before they engage in intercourse. But, I'm not sure they need to be married. So many important things factor into the decision to marry. I don't think lust or the desire finally to have intercourse should be one of them."

Luke looked at me and raised his eyebrows. I think he realized I was talking to him, not to Miss Lily.

It was no surprise when Miss Lily dismissed me as wrong. "Intercourse within a traditional marriage is a gift from God. Intercourse at any other time is a sinful, hedonistic act."

Her world was black and white. There were no blurred lines.

*****

We dressed that night for dinner, a five course affair in the formal dining room. Luke sat directly across from me in a black cashmere jacket and a black and red striped tie. He looked like a Brooks Brothers model.

Dinner ran long. Luke and I offered to clean up, but Miss Lily delegated that task to Chastity and Prudence. We could hear them angrily slamming dishes as we headed to our rooms. I entered mine, closed and locked the door behind me, and headed through the bathroom and into Luke's. I put my arms around him, kissed him softly, and whispered "I want to watch you undress."

"Do you want me to do a striptease?"

"No. I just want you to undress."

I sat back in the chair. Luke stared at me as he removed his jacket, pulled his tie off, and unbuttoned his shirt.

"You can help, if you want."

I moved to him. I unbuckled his belt and pulled it off. I reached for the button on his slacks, but stopped. I could see him through his pants. There was no way I could unbutton and unzip his pants without touching him. I worried that, if I touched him, I wouldn't stop.

I sat back down. Luke kneeled between my legs and kissed me.

"Why'd you stop?" he asked.

"Because, if I hadn't, I wouldn't have been able to."

"Who says I want you to?"

"We're not married."

"But, we are committed to each other and in love, aren't we?"

We were arguing each other's ethos. I was in if he was, but I didn't want him to do anything he'd regret. One thing I knew: We couldn't undo what was done once it was done.

"And," he added, nibbling my ear and whispering, "there's a lot to do other than intercourse."

As Luke unbuttoned my shirt, I suggested we slow down and talk.

"I'm tired of talking," Luke said, kissing my bare chest and unbuckling my belt.

"Is the door locked?"

"No."

"Lock it."

While he did, I buckled my belt and buttoned my shirt back up.

"You're heading the wrong direction," Luke said, moving his hands back to my buttons.

"I want to talk," I said, grabbing his hands and stopping him.

"Okay," he said, kissing my nose and sighing, "let's talk."

"Put a shirt on first. I won't be able to concentrate if you don't."

He did, and we sat cross-legged on the bed and talked about what abstinence meant, whether "no premarital sex" meant "no premarital sexual activity," and what qualified as "sexual activity." Did kissing throughout the night qualify? Did grinding against each other? A hand-job? A blow job?

We also talked about marriage, traditional and same-sex. It was January 1, 2011, and same-sex marriage was recognized in a handful of states, all through court decisions. I predicted it would be recognized nationwide before the decade was over. Luke wasn't so sure.

Our talk only muddied our thoughts. We decided we needed guidance. We needed to talk to Pastor Chris.