A Very Ditzy Christmas

"Do you really want to know?" she asked. I nodded. "Let's just say that it was probably around what you spent on my clothes."

'Screw the warranty,' I said to myself.

Someone pounded on the door. I went to open it and it was Tony the cop. "Merry Christ..." was all I managed to say before he pushed me out of the way.

"There you are," Tony sneered, grabbing Toucan and Asshole by the coat. "I've got you dead to rights this time."

"What for," asked Toucan, nonplussed.

"For fencing stolen goods like that coffee table there." He turned and saw the Quasar. "A semi of these got high jacked a month ago and I'll bet that thing as hot as the table. Lucky for me I just happen to have a list of the serial numbers of the ones on the truck."

"You got it all wrong officer. We just came here for some Christmas grub. Help us out here, Roy," asked Toucan.

"It's Ralph," I replied.

"You're in trouble too, my friend," said Tony. "Receiving stolen property is a serious crime."

"Come on, Rudolph, tell him where you got this stuff," pleaded Asshole.

"I found the table on the side of the road. It must have fallen off the back of a truck. I guess I was lucky to be the first person by," I lied.

"If it fell off a truck, how did the glass top manage to stay unbroken?" his inquiring mind wanted to know.

"I was surprised myself. It was still in it's original box and the glass top was packed in Styrofoam and shrink wrap," I said quickly.

"How do you explain the TV?" he said, relaxing his grip on the boys.

"Donna got it for me for Christmas," I said, nodding in her direction.

"Where?" he snapped.

"Silos," she lied, never missing a beat.

"Let me see the receipt," he said, letting go of both Paulies.

"It's taped here on the box," she said, turning it around a few times.

"That place is a scam. The employees rip off the place by selling the stuff for cash and pocketing the money. I bet if you look you'll find the serial number's been taken off so it won't track back to them," said Tony, turning the TV to inspect it. "There, see?" he motioned at the spot where it'd been ripped off. "Good luck using the warranty if it breaks down."

"I'm sorry, I don't see the receipt right now, but I paid six-hundred and ninety dollars cash for it," lied Donna through her teeth. "Maybe it's in the bedroom."

"Forget it. If you paid that much money for this thing, you got ripped off big time. It's an expensive TV but it's only worth about five, maybe five-fifty with a warranty." He snapped his fingers. "Hey, maybe they forgot to get the serial number off the bottom of the box."

Both Paulies turned pale as ghosts. Donna shook her head and I held my breath as officer Tony lifted the box to look.

"No luck," he said, dropping the box back down. "The box must've been dragged 'cause the label is scuffed off." He raised his head and sniffed the air. "Something smells good."

"It's ham," Donna replied. "Do you want to stay for dinner?"

"Thanks for the offer, but I have to go check in. My shift's almost over and my wife's got dinner going at home." He headed for the door and stopped. "You two ought not to get involved with these guys," he said, motioning to the Paulies. "They're always up to no good."

"Tony, this is Silly Toots' kid," said Toucan.

He reached a hand out to her hair. "Donna?" he asked.

"Yep, that's me," she said grinning.

"I should have recognized you. Nobody has hair like yours. How is your dad?" he asked.

"I don't know. I haven't seen or heard from him for a while. My parents broke up," she said, looking away.

"I'm sorry to hear that. Look, forget I brought it up. You folks have a good Christmas day," he said and left.

The Paulies and I sat on sofa and cranked up the Quasar.

"Thanks for the help there, Douche Bag," said Toucan, giving me a thumbs-up.

"The same here, Raŭl," said Asshole.

The phone rang. "Ralph, could you get it?" asked Donna, as she was juggling casseroles around in the oven.

"Who's Ralph?" asked Asshole. Paulie shrugged and shook his head.

"Hello."

"Hello, this is the operator. I have a long distance person to person call from Silvio Brunner for Donna Brunner being paid for by a third party, is she there?"

"Hold on," I answered. I looked at the boys and mouthed the words, 'It's her dad!'

Asshole and Paulie winked at each other and shook hands.

"Ah, Donna, it's for you," I said, acting like it was a survey.

She came out of the kitchen and I turned down the TV for her. I plopped down between the Paulies and we all held our breath.

"Hello," she said. "Yes, this is Donna Brunner...Excuse me... Okay, I'll hold..." She looked up at us. We could hear his voice across the room.

"Merry Christmas, baby doll. How's my little mop head doing?"

Donna immediately started laughing and crying at the same time. I motioned the guys to get their coats and follow me outside. I wanted to leave her to her privacy and they nodded in agreement. We stood out by our cars and the guys lit up.

"I needed one of these when Tony was there," said Toucan.

"Thanks for not smoking in the apartment. I don't care but it makes Donna sneeze."

"She really doesn't know where here father is?" asked Asshole, almost more of a statement than a question.

"Don't," Toucan warned Asshole.

"The operator said the call was being paid for by a third party."

They both started laughing. "Somebody somewhere is gonna find that phone call on their bill next month. They dispute making it, it comes off the bill, and that's that," said Toucan.

They smoked another and then Donna stuck her head out the door. "Dinner's ready."

*

Later that night, Donna told me what happened. It seems that Silvio Brunner and her mother did break-up and not long afterward, Toots was nabbed for running numbers and loan sharking. He was serving a one-year stint in an Arizona correctional facility and didn't want Donna to know. He thought he would be out on parole by now, but he violated some rule and had to serve his whole sentence. When Paulie Toucan put out the word, he found out quickly where her father was. He simply passed the word for him to make sure to call his daughter at this number on Christmas day.

I'm sitting here eating a ham sandwich while Donna dreams sweet dreams. The only light I have is coming from the tree. It really is a nice one. I'm glad Donna picked it.

You know, my crotch doesn't feel half bad today. Maybe I should find another condom that's 'ribbed for her pleasure'. I wonder what color it'll be today.

*

That was it.

Ralph turned the page and saw another date and title:

"Saturday, January 17th, 1975."

"Donna's abscess."

He shuddered. "I think I'll leave that for another time," he said to himself, closing the book. He dropped it into a box he reserved for paperwork and marked it 'Save'. Looking out the small window he saw that it was dark outside.

"Are you coming down or what?" his Pop yelled.

"I'm coming now," Ralph answered, pulling the string to turn off the light.

"Go and get changed, we're taking Grandpa out to dinner," Pop said, as he steadied the ladder for Junior to come down.

He washed his face and hands and put on clean clothes. He liked Grandpa. He was always funny and now that he knew his little secret, some of his stories might now make more sense. When he came down the stairs, he saw that his parents had already set up the tree and decorated it. He sat down to wait until they were ready and looked at it. Just under the star on top, there was an ornament he'd seen as long as he could remember, but never gave it a second thought.

It was a Toucan. "What do you know," he mumbled.

They got to the rest home and Ralph and his mother went in to get him. He was seated in the front entryway waiting for us. Ralph helped him to his feet and he broke wind.

"Sorry. Hi Baby Doll," he said, kissing Donna on the cheek. "God you're tall," he said looking up at Junior. "Where we goin'?" Grandpa asked.

"Vito's," answered Donna.

"Oh good, they have great veal," he said.

"Grandpa, got any good stories tonight?" Junior asked.

"I got a million of them," he replied, jabbing Ralph in the side.

"Great," Junior said, rubbing his hands together in anticipation.

They arrived at Vito's and the place smelled great. Ralph looked around and saw a few open tables. In the corner was a table with five guys playing cards. He saw a tall one, a short one, a fat one, one with a huge nose, and one that looked like...

One looked up and pointed. "Look who the fuck just walked through the door!"

...an asshole.

"Toots!"

"Toots!"

"Toots!"

"Douche Bag!"

"Rufus!"

Merry Christmas.