Absolute Devotion Ch. 06

"But then Jean threw me out..."

"I knew you didn't really want to be with her, and I knew you wanted to be with me, but then I actually started feeling jealous. I knew she treated you like shit and the only reason you stayed with her was because you didn't think you could do better. That made me really sad. I wanted you for myself, but I wanted to have my cake and eat it too. You gave me something I didn't realize I needed."

"Someone who would do anything you asked?"

"Well, not exactly. I've gone out dressed the way I was when I met Jimmy at the bar lots of times. I'd go out to clubs and bars and wherever dressed like that and I'd see the way men looked at me. It was pure lust, these men all wanted to fuck me, and some of them would be direct about it, but others would just look at me with this look that said they wanted me but they knew they could never have me."

"Like I did," I said quietly.

"There are plenty of men out there who have wanted me and plenty of men who were absolutely certain I'd laugh at them if they approached me. They knew I was way out of their league, but that didn't stop them from staring, from lusting after me. One time, years ago, I was out at a club and there was this little goofy guy who kept looking at me and trying to flirt with me in this cute, awkward kind of way. When I smiled back at him, he got all nervous and knocked his beer over, and it was so adorable. I could have made his night by taking him home, but he was there with a friend, this obnoxious guy who hit on everyone and thought he was all that. I went home with the obnoxious guy and fucked him."

"Why?"

"You know why. I wanted to hurt that poor little goofy guy. I wanted him to see me respond to his friend's cheap lines and his cocky attitude. I wanted him to have to listen when his friend told him how he fucked me and how good it was. Most of all, though, the real reason was that I hated myself. I hated myself because I thought I was too good for this little goofy guy and I wanted to degrade myself to punish myself for feeling that way. After his friend fucked me and got up and left, I sat alone in the dark and thought about how that goofy guy would now think of me not as a sexy, beautiful woman he wanted to get to know, but as a slut who would fuck any good looking guy with a cheesy line and the confidence to approach me."

"And I'm just like that goofy guy?"

"No, you're more than that, but it is all part of the same psychosis. There have been other guys like that. I always see guys out together at a bar or a club looking to meet women. There is always this one guy who is the dominant one and the other who is submissive. The submissive one thinks the dominant one is going to help him meet women, but what he's really doing is using the submissive guy to make himself look better. He might help his friend talk to a woman, but it will only be a woman that he had ruled out as someone he wants for himself. The submissive wants to meet a nice girl, get to know her, and he hopes he'll find someone to love. The dominant wants to score. He wants to take someone home and fuck her. When a woman doesn't respond to his overtures, he pushes his submissive friend in her direction, giving him the impression he's helping him hook up."

"So, I mean, I guess I understand that, and I know I'm the submissive one, but how did I give you something you didn't realize you needed."

"Well, I always wanted that submissive guy, but I was loath to admit it. Imagine me giving my phone number out to guys like that, guys who are too scared to even approach me and say 'hi.' I wouldn't have men thinking I was too good for them anymore. They'd stop lusting after me and thinking there was no way they'd ever have me. I'd become... ordinary."

"I make you ordinary?"

"No, you make me feel extraordinary. When I was a kid, I was the little fat girl. Believe it or not, I used to be known as 'pound cake.' I was pale, pasty, and big and round. My family was dirt poor, but my father worked two jobs so I could go to school in a better part of town. He did everything to make my life better, but he was always so tired and broken down at the end of the day. One day, my mother just up and left him. She didn't leave a note or any explanation, but he knew it was because she couldn't put up with being poor and having this tired and used up man for a husband any longer. He was a good man. He worked hard to provide for his family and to try to give me a better life, but that wasn't good enough for her."

"I'm sorry..."

"Don't be sorry, I don't want your pity. You keep staring at my tits. Do you like them?"

"Gosh, yes, they're perfect, Miss Erica."

"I probably should have covered up after I fucked your best friend, but I figured you could use an extra special present after what I put you through."

"I'm very glad you did. Looking at you in that see-thru teddy is helping me stay awake while trying to listen to your boring story."

"Good, because I want you to stay awake for this."

"Yes, Miss Erica."

"They used to call me 'pound cake' and 'ham fat' when I was in school, but then after I went to high school my body started to change. I got taller, my fat just kind of melted away, and the boys started paying attention to me in a different way. Instead of making fun of me, they wanted to take me out for milkshakes or to dances and all that crap. I ended up fucking half my senior class, putting notches in my bedpost for every boy I fucked. And every time I did, I said, 'take that, ham fat.'"

"Okay, so you didn't become hot until high school and you hated your old self because you were fat and pasty?"

"I was a nice fat girl when I was little, well I wasn't so little, but you know what I mean. I tried to be so nice to everyone, to help people, and to be a good little girl, but everyone still picked on me. One time I helped an old lady cross the street and when we got to the other side she says to me, 'you shouldn't eat so many sweets then you wouldn't be such a fatty.' It was always like that. I couldn't do one nice thing for someone without them making a cruel remark about how fat and pasty I was. 'Hey Erica, want to go to the beach with us? Oh, I forgot, they don't make bathing suits in your size.' That was the kind of shit I put up with all the time."

"Well, my love, you aren't that little girl any longer."

"Yes, but I can't be nice to people. Every time I try I get this feeling like I used to, that they'll say, 'thanks, but stop eating so much cake' or... 'Thanks for giving me directions to the Howard Johnson's but stop being so hot.' I don't know; I've got issues."

"You're worried about people picking on you because you're hot?"

"I used to be fat and pasty. I was the most picked on girl in school. Now I'm the hottest woman in the city. How am I supposed to deal with that?"

"I don't know, maybe be happy about it?"

"Would you have fallen in love with me if I was 300 pounds and pasty?"

"Maybe, I don't know, I was with Jean for two years and she's never going to win a beauty pageant."

"Yeah, but you left her for me."

"Well, technically she threw me out..."

"She threw you out because she saw that you wanted me so bad that you had to go to the bathroom and jack off while imagining we were together. And this was after you couldn't get it up for her for weeks. You left her in spirit long before you physically left her."

"She was always mean to me. I deserved better."

"I'm meaner to you than she ever was, but you stay with me, and you worship me, because I'm hot. Don't try to deny that. If I showed up to meet you guys for ice cream that first time, and I was 300 pounds and pasty, would you have 'fallen in love' with me the way you claim to have?"

"I really don't know. Would you still have been wearing those pink tennis shorts? I once saw this very overweight woman in these really short cutoffs and I masturbated thinking about her for the next two weeks."

"You are a sick little monkey. I hope you realize that."

"I do."