Amy and Brian Ch. 03

Brian punched the gas of his Audi sedan as he crossed the Delaware River, and hit 85 mph as he merged onto the New Jersey Turnpike for his trip north. Luckily for him, the Turnpike was relatively traffic free on this Saturday morning, and drivers here were generally expected to be going that fast in these conditions. Brian didn't want to be pulled over and asked where he needed to be in such a hurry. "To kill my best friend," was the only answer that came to mind. He figured a New Jersey State Trooper would not find that particularly amusing.

As he settled in to his drive, Brian did begin to think about exactly what he wanted to accomplish here. He wanted to do a lot of things to Chris right now, but talking to him was near the bottom of the list. Actually, the person he really wanted to talk to was Chris' wife, Liz. She knew about what happened between her husband and his wife for 2 years now, and somehow she was OK with it? Nothing about that made sense to Brian.

He was also a little angry at her. Sure, he couldn't really consider her a close friend. They had honestly lost touch over the years, and his anger returned as he began to realize exactly why they had; why Chris had seemingly avoided all his calls for the longest time, only to suddenly call back at random times and become interested in seeing him again—'he didn't really want to see me,' Brian fumed.

But he felt like Liz at least owed him a phone call, to tell him what she had learned, about what a lie he was living. He would have done it for her, he was sure of that. And for the life of him, he had no idea how Liz could forgive such a betrayal. Brian wanted to talk some sense into her, almost as much as he wanted to beat the living crap out of her husband. Almost, but not quite.

As he approached Exit 10 and made the turn on Route 287 North toward Chris and Liz's house, Brian tried to force himself to calm down. Rage and fury were nice, but he knew he also needed his wits about him. And right now, only one vision could sufficiently calm him down.

He thought back to last night, when he was on top of Cat, inside her, and remembered the look on her face as she began her orgasm. She was staring so intently into his eyes; it felt in that moment to him that he owned 100% of this woman, her mind, body and soul. Just the thought of that was enough to make Brian smile.

But he couldn't deal with any of that right now. His life had become a train wreck, and he quickly divided it into priorities. First, he needed to confront Chris, and get something...revenge? closure?...he wasn't entirely sure. He just knew he needed to do this before he could move on to his other problems.

Then he had to make sure his kids were OK. As a child of divorce, he knew how that affected children; he was basically his kids' age when his parents divorced. Brian wasn't sure that was what he wanted, but whatever he decided his kids' well-being had to be a major part of it.

Finally, he needed to work through everything with Amy. At this moment, he was disgusted by the sight of her, but as this news sunk in, he realized that would likely change. He had to figure out a way to talk to her, honestly even be able to look at her, and he desperately needed answers as to why she behaved like she did, especially given her history, their history.

Only then, after all that was decided, could he really figure out what Cat meant to him. He never thought he could ever look at another woman and feel anything like he felt toward his wife. But being with Cat last night he did feel something; he just wasn't sure what it meant. He had gone there looking for comfort and an escape, and Cat had been there for him. And maybe (probably he thought sadly) he had taken advantage of her crush on him.

But it didn't feel like just a random, revenge hook-up to him, not even in the cold light of the morning. It meant something to Brian, and he realized he still needed that escape, at least tonight.

But he couldn't commit to anything beyond that, at least not yet. He had to piece his life back together first. As he crossed under Route 78, he realized he was now only about 15 minutes away from Morris Township, where Chris and Liz lived. He began to ready himself for a confrontation.

He pulled up a few houses away, and looked toward their home. Suddenly, he saw Chris leaving his house, and began to exit his vehicle, hands balled into fists. But then he saw Liz with him, and their three kids, in various sports uniforms. He thought of his own kids in that moment, how they would feel if some man came out of nowhere and attacked their father. He forced himself to calm down and stay in his car as they pulled away.

Brian stayed parked on their street for 30 minutes, then an hour, just staring ahead with only his thoughts to accompany him. A luxury car didn't stand out in this neighborhood, so he drew no suspicions, even though he was staring at one house in particular. 'What am I doing?' he finally thought, 'This won't solve anything.' He began to turn on his car and drive home. Then, he saw an SUV pull back into the Barnes' driveway.

Chris and Liz were alone this time, having dropped their children off at their practices. Brian watched as they exited their car, and fumed as Chris put his arm around his wife as they returned into their home. 'My life is ruined, primarily by this guy, and he gets to live his life like nothing happened. He got away with everything. Not anymore.' Brian exited his car and walked directly to the front door and rang the doorbell.

Liz answered, "Brian?" she said awkwardly. Instantly she saw a look which she was familiar with, a mixture of total heartbreak and total rage. 'So the bitch finally told him,' Liz thought to herself. Chris had told her he ran into Amy; she didn't like hearing that at the time, now she wondered where this was going.

She tried to give Brian a sympathetic look, but it was like he didn't see her. At that point, she heard her husband, "Who's at the door, honey?" Brian heard him too, and turned his head. Liz remembered what Chris had told her, about what she should do if this moment ever occurred. She stepped aside and let Brian and Chris see each other; her husband was right, this needed to play out without her stepping in.

"You son of a bitch!" Brian yelled. "You ruined my life, now I'm going to ruin yours!" He lunged toward Chris, who made no move to defend himself. Brian cocked his left fist and threw it, connecting with Chris' right cheek, just below his eye. He staggered but stayed on his feet. Brian then threw a second punch to his gut, and Chris fell to his knees, gasping for air.

Brian taunted him from above. "Is that all you got?" he sneered. "15 years of fucking my wife, you deserve more punishment." He went to throw another punch at Chris, who still made no move to fight back.

At that point, Liz stepped in between them. She knew what her husband told her, that she should let Brian do whatever he wanted to him, but she couldn't let anymore happen. Brian was going to seriously hurt her husband if this went any farther, especially if he didn't fight back.

"OK, that's enough, I think he gets the point," said Liz, positioning her body to shield Chris from any more blows.

"Get out of the way, Liz. Haven't you protected him long enough?" Brian said with disdain.

"Think of your kids, Brian. If this goes any farther you're going to do something you'll really regret. They're going to need you with them right now, not in prison," she said forcefully.

It was enough to calm Brian down. He backed away and sat on their sofa a few feet away, head in his hands. Liz turned to check on her husband.

"Are you OK," she said with concern, running her hand along his rapidly swelling cheek.

"I'm good, I can clean myself up," he said, grabbing her hand and kissing it. "I'll go pick up the kids later...I'll think of something to explain this. You need to do what we talked about."

"I know," she said, smiling at her husband and turning toward Brian. Her husband didn't let go of her hand though, so she turned back to look at him.

"Thank you Liz, for everything, for being here, for staying" he said, with a tear in his eye.

Liz said nothing at first, instead gently running her hand down her husband's cheek again and smiling at him. "Put something on this," she said softly. "We'll be back in a little while." She then turned to Brian, "You could use a drink...and we need to talk. I'll drive."

Brian got up and followed her, but not before looking at Chris, still sitting on the floor. He saw the shame in his eyes; Chris could barely look at him. Brian felt a moment of superiority, but then quickly realized how pointless that was; it didn't make him feel any better in the end. He followed Liz and got into her car.

She took him into Morristown and to one of the bars on South Street, near the Green. They went to a corner booth and ordered their drinks, a Scotch for Brian and a red wine for her.

Liz knew he needed so many answers; she wasn't sure how much his wife had told him. Frankly, she could only answer so much herself. But she had to calm him down, so he could talk rationally to her husband. He needed to do that, both of them needed to do that.

"When Chris told me he ran into your wife, we thought something like this might happen," Liz began. "Chris and I talked about it a lot, about what would happen. It kind of played out exactly like he thought."

"You should have left us alone," Brian replied. "He deserves to pay for his sins."

"Was I supposed to let you really hurt him?" Liz answered. "Whatever you think of him, he is paying for his sins, he pays for it every day, when he looks at himself."

"I can't believe you defend him, after all he's done," Brian sneered. "You've just let him off the hook."

"You have no idea what I went through, how hard it was, for me, for my kids, and yes for my husband," Liz said. "For almost a year I could barely look at him, barely be in the same room as him. But as time passed, I saw everything he was doing to atone, to become my husband again. He met every condition I gave him. I checked his phone and emails constantly; he even still offers to let me check them now. He threw himself into our family, into wooing me again. And he talked about his issues, first with his therapist then with me, about why he felt he did it."

"Slowly, I began to let go of the hate and see the man I married," Liz continued. "When I was able to do that, I could see what I wanted. And what I wanted was him, our family. It wasn't easy, but in my heart it was the right decision to forgive him and begin to move past it."

"So that's it?" said Brian unconvinced. "You never thought of leaving him?"

"I thought about it all time, I almost did many times, but something kept me from doing it; my kids at first, but then Chris too over time," Liz explained. "I tried dating other men, first to get back at Chris but also for a release, to forget my pain. I knew Chris was aware, but he didn't say anything."

"But the flings I had were empty, meaningless...I didn't feel anything for those men," she continued. "It just made me feel dirty, in a way, no better than what he did. After a while, I stopped, and it helped me figure out what I really wanted."

Brian thought about what he had done last night; he had also needed a release, a moment to forget his pain. But what happened with Cat last night felt anything but empty and meaningless to him. However, he didn't really want to talk about that with Liz; he still had more questions.

"I still can't see how you just live your life with him and not think about what happened," Brian said.

"I do think about it, and every day can bring a new challenge; just two days ago I got another one when Chris told me he saw her," after all this time, Liz still couldn't say her name. "I wasn't happy about that. But he told me, and we talked through it. We tell each other everything, how we're feeling about things, good and bad. It's the only way we can do it. One day at a time."

"I've had two years to come to terms with this; you've had what, a day?" Liz continued. "I'm not saying you forget, you never do, but it gets easier, and with time your mind becomes clearer. At that point, you can then begin to figure out how to piece your life back together, either with her or apart."

"You can't say her name, can you?" Brian asked, picking up on Liz's feelings for his wife. "You can forgive your husband, or at least move past what he did, but you still hate Amy?"

The wince at her name being mentioned told Brian he was correct. "It's probably not totally fair, but yes I still hate her. She didn't force my husband into anything, I realize that, but I can't forgive her, I won't. Holding on to a little bit of pain, a little bit of anger, helps me. Maybe you'll always feel the same about Chris, but you guys were friends for a long time and have a history together. And I don't have to deal with her every day, you will. You have kids together after all."

"Yeah, but even that was a lie, at least with Johnny," he replied. Liz raised her eyebrows at that, 'she really had told him everything,' she thought.

"That was hardest for me," she began. "Knowing that he was out there, and might be my husband's. Chris and I have talked about that, a lot, and you really need to talk to him about it too. That boy is going to need you, his father, to help him get through this. You need to remember that, he's your boy."

"I know, he's my son, I don't care what any DNA test says," Brian said. He wasn't sure of much, but that was #1 on the list of things he did know. "And I don't want him to find out about this, at least not yet. He'll have enough to deal with."

"We don't disagree on that, but like I said you really need to talk to my husband about that. There is a lot I know he wants to say to you. Have you calmed down enough to speak with him?" she asked.

"I just need to know one more thing," he asked. "Why didn't you tell me? I know we hadn't seen each other in a while, but don't you think I deserved to know?"

Liz paused for several seconds, taking in what Brian said. "I thought about it all the time. I even picked up the phone and began dialing, especially in those early days," she said. "But then I thought, who would I be doing that for? It would only ruin your life and probably your children too. Look at how you feel now that you know. It would just be me getting back at Chris, at...your wife. In the end, I decided it wasn't my place to do that. Maybe I was wrong, but I figured instead of thanking me you would just resent me."

Brian wasn't sure whether he bought her rationale completely, but he decided to let go of any anger he felt toward Liz for that decision. She was going through hell at the time, like he was now, and had to focus on her family. This conversation had helped him, particularly Liz's thoughts about having to live one day at a time to get through things. Still, there was one other conversation he needed to have.

"Thanks Liz, for talking, and for stopping me from doing something stupid," he said, "I think I'm ready to talk to your husband now, calmly."

"Good, let's go back to my house," Liz said. "I do hope you figure out what's best for you, and your family. If you need any advice, feel free to call me. It's the least I can do."

"Thanks. It's funny though, you're pushing me to talk to Chris when you can barely even talk about Amy. Maybe talking to her would help you," Brian said as they walked to her car.

"Perhaps, but I just can't, at least not yet. One day at a time," Liz replied.

As they returned, Liz saw her kids were back. Her twins, Mark and Melly, ran up to her laughing as she walked in.

"Mommy, Daddy told us he tripped and ran into the screen door...he's so clumsy," they said in unison, laughing and looking at their bemused father, who was holding a frozen steak to his eye in the kitchen.

"Yeah, we need to take care of him more," Liz said. "Come on, why don't we go upstairs and I'll help you clean up." Liz wanted to give Brian and her husband space to talk.

For the twins, their parents' troubles were a distant memory, but their oldest daughter, Jennifer, was more aware. She saw Mr. Harris come in with her Mom, and had a pretty good idea that a screen door did not give her father that black eye.

"Mr. Harris," Jennifer said as she came up next to him. "Don't hurt my Dad anymore. He did bad things, but he's still my father and I love him. I know he feels bad about whatever happened. We forgave him, you should too."

"I won't do anything to him, Jennifer," he said, thinking of his own kids. "I just need to talk with your Dad for a few minutes."

"Why don't you go upstairs for a little while Jen," her mother said. "Dad and Mr. Harris have some things to talk about. Everything will be OK." With that Liz walked with her oldest daughter up the stairs.

It left Brian and Chris alone on the first floor. From where Brian was standing, he could see right into the kitchen, where Chris was looking back at him, a nervous look on his face. Slowly, Brian made his way to him. "We need to talk," Brian said upon reaching him.

"Why don't we go outside," Chris responded. "I'll answer anything you want, with 100% honesty."

They settled on the porch and sat down. Brian had so many questions; he started with an important one.

"Do you love my wife, did you ever?" he asked.

"No, it was never about love," Chris replied, head down. "It might have been easier to explain if it was. I can't speak for your wife, but for me it was the excitement, the danger, of having something I shouldn't. It's taken me two years of speaking to my therapist to figure things out, and I'm still not fully sure why. But we never fell in love."

"Johnny...Amy told me," Brian continued. "We need to do a DNA test, I need to know in case something happens to him and he needs a genetic match. But, if it turns out like we think, I don't want him to know, at least not until he's older and can understand better. I'm his father, no matter what the test says. Nothing will change that."

"Yes, I know," said Chris. "Anything you need me to do, I will. I have no intention of interfering in your relationship with him."

"Good," replied Brian, "I can do things discreetly. I'll let you know what I need."

"OK," said Chris, "I'm sure Liz told you I ran into Amy the other day. Nothing happened between us then, I swear, but I did wonder if something like this would happen soon, if she'd tell you."

"That's not why I found out," Brian said. "Amy was screwing around with another guy, a kid really just out of college, after you and her ended. His mother found out and confronted her at our house. That's how I found out."

"Oh," said Chris, not knowing what else to say. In a way, he wasn't that surprised. In working though his own issues, he realized denial could be a very powerful emotion. If he hadn't worked through them, been forced to work through them, he probably would have kept cheating like Amy, he thought sadly.

"I should go," said Brian, getting up to leave. He had said all he needed to say.

"Your hand is bleeding," replied Chris. "Let Liz have a look at that and bandage it up for you before you leave."

"I know this is worthless to you," Chris continued, "but I am truly sorry for everything that happened. If I could take it back I would. You were a great friend to me, and I treated you like shit. I have to live with that the rest of my life."

"You got a second chance here, Chris," Brian said. "Don't fuck it up. You probably won't get another, and it seems like you got a great family here." This was all he could offer Chris, forgiveness was not possible yet, if ever.

"I know, I just wished I realized it a long time ago," Chris said. Liz came out to check on them. "Honey, could you help Brian clean up and bandage his hand, before he goes?" he said.