An End & A Beginning

Carmen's Story Pt4

Having made the resolution to wish Anton well, it was not as easy to execute it. The fact was she was quite well acquainted - almost friends - with the girl who he appeared (though secretly) to be seeing, known as Carla. It was interesting that as days would pass she would watch him relate to his 'girlfriend' and pick up on the subtle signals others appeared to miss. Lunching together, both going home the same time and together (alternating who drove who home), references to Anton searching for a wife…at work. And when he had laughingly agreed, it had serious undertones. At least now she knew what he had meant.

After a while she discovered the pain lessoned and she grew to change her feelings for him more towards friendship. Whereas once she could only be serious around him due to being self-conscious, now her real self began to emerge and she would tease him, and frankly be downright cheeky. She discovered a new side to herself whilst on this journey and it did not go unnoticed. Anton was greatly surprised and seemed incredibly amused often sparring back jokingly.

Those were definitely great days and she found something amazing. He truly was her first real male friend. This was proven when she discovered just how much his opinion of her, meant.

It had been a relatively normal day, busy, and the sort you wish for it to end. After the goodbyes she rode home and contemplated the discussion earlier of her cooking at home, or lack thereof. No one had said anything with any intention to offend, and yet her thoughts focused on what Anton thought of her, concentrating on his remark about her being the microwave queen. As such she rode a little recklessly.

She felt a little sore due to her sore knee, and rode faster, not waiting in spots she should have, thus not riding carefully. Upon the usual spot where she crossed the road she looked in her peripheral vision, but unclear, she normally would stop and turn right around and look. However, this time she did not. She listened, heard nothing though felt a coming car.

She would have crossed then but two were coming from the opposite direction. When they passed she went for it. In the instant she rode she knew it was wrong. There was the screech of a car from behind her as she was half-way but for some reason just kept going. Later she thought it was perhaps the smartest thing she have ever done. She had narrowly missed a ute.

When she crossed she apologised to the driver and rode on in a state of shock. Some distance ahead she realised she was in this state and stopped to relax and take deep breaths to slow down her heart rate.

It was amazing, she thought, if she hadn't listened to the instinct part of her that said "keep going" when she had momentarily paused midway, she could be dead. And the lesson did not escape her: faster is not safer and never let your problems control you. And always follow your instinct.

It was an interesting thought, and as she absorbed the lesson, a newer and freer feeling began to add to the new her, and she decided that life was just too short to let your worries control you. Coming close to her birthday, she decided she'd invite all her friends, and throw a big party. Planning this for some time, she arranged a venue, and gave people advanced notice as to time etc.

“It's on the ---” she told Anton.

“Yeah, for sure, I'll be there.”

Still, worried that Anton may change his mind, since she really wanted him to come, she asked him again closer to the date and got a promise out of him. Frankly, she wasn't really over Anton, and if he went clubbing…this could be it. The fact was her infatuation could never really be over for the following reasons.

As much as she tried, and wanted to get over it, her heart still wouldn't let go. He was so nice, and so easy to talk to and he believed in her. Yet, she would easily let go if not for that small grain of hope that her suspicions regarding Carla and Anton weren't true. Now and then it would surface, the suspicion they were together, but neither side openly admitted it, and until a confession, or some undeniable sign was seen with her own eyes, she could not let go.

And so her disappointment could not be described when he faithfully promised to come, and he did not, and sent an apology through another, not to herself directly. It was a betrayal of the worst kind and she was miserable, yet extremely happy her other friend, Tania, a new friend at that, had come. Tania was enjoyable company and cheered her up somewhat.

The party lasted 2 hrs and then a group of us hit the clubs. At this point Carmen had decided Anton was not worth it and she would enjoy herself and forget him. Starting on tequila shots, she was convinced to get up on the dance floor and received her first dance lesson. Having never danced because she had no talent in that area, and was too embarrassed to rectify it, it was not as hard as she thought. Sitting near a pool table she had a Fire Engine, then tried a Vodka, Lime & Soda. This became her favourite drink. Curious as to what the upstairs of this club looked like she asked whether they could check it out, and was hooked.

Up was a Cowboyish type of bar. The music was country, and she loved it. It was the place she imagined cowboys would be, and having a fetish for the cowboy look, wanted to stay. Some people went for Doctors, but Carmen, Carmen was a sucker for a guy in a checkered shirt and an akubra. There but a moment, a guy came over and started chatting up Naomi, with the line “You have the most beautiful smile.”

Carmen thought it extremely corny and didn't figure she had to be a genius to tell he was a sleaze. Leaving Naomi to talk with him, Carmen and Jay decided to dance, Jay virtually tugging her along. After a while they returned to order a drink, Jay wanted a water, and Carmen ordered another Vodka Lime and Soda and sat down, at a table. Sitting down a while Naomi and her male admirer joined them, and Carmen eventually went to get another shot and Vodka Lime and Soda, only to discover upon her return Naomi's boyfriend Sean had joined the table. Well! This was an interesting development! After some more talking, and more drinking, she and Jay then went to dance again, no force needed at this point.

The sleaze, otherwise known as Jason, turned up and joined them, turning his moves (ie fancy words, smiling eg “if only I were younger, if only I weren't married) on Carmen. So he was married, arsehole!

Not the least sucked in, since she could smell deceit a mile away, and so quickly changing tunes, Carmen had little trust in him. Upon returning Jay bumped into her EX who wanted her back and left Carmen on her own to dance. The night continued with more dancing, more drinking and the exiting of Naomi around 3, when the bar closed. Jason kept hitting on her, then turned onto Jay (what a loser!) and lastly Carmen again, and she had at this point found him so fickle she was purely disgusted by him.

Walking downstairs proved difficult as she was pretty much drunk having drunken heaps and fell on her but halfway. Getting up she was forced by her friends to take off her jacket to show off her body. Now, having never been the same since her formal after party, she found herself self-conscious doing that sort of thing, but relented only this time to shut them up. Her jacket around her hips, passing through the packed crowd three people tried to chat her up after taking two steps. Hot people too! Naomi's boyfriend had at this point assumed the bodyguard/guardian role and wouldn't let Carmen talk to them, and they moved onto another club. There she met no one, as the one hot guy she saw unfortunately had a girlfriend. Sean sat down between them and they talked in a booth. At one point he grabbed her to dance and asked her to identify who she thought was hot. Looking about Carmen pointed out a guy with dark wavy hair and a face though not traditionally handsome, was attractive in a 'nice guy' type of looks. Sean complimented her on her choice (he had taken it upon himself to pass on his so-called wisdom, she had wondered how drunk he was there.) Eventually they moved onto another club and there Sean continued teacher-mode giving out tips etc, touching her perhaps more than necessary but since it didn't discomfort her, knowing he was just drunk and wouldn't try anything. Carmen and Jay eventually got up to dance again, and Sean joined us, only to find he was trying by moving her hips, to instruct her on how to dance…truthfully, she found it amusing..

They sat down again, at which point Carmen noticed a good looking guy later she learned was also named Jason, (coincidence that all sleazes are named Jason?) dancing behind the bench looking at her and jerking his head now and then to the dance floor. After a while she nodded and joined him. He was so drunk it wasn't funny and they ended up dirty dancing! Ooh she was in a wild mood that night! Who would have thought, Carmen dirty dancing! He hugged, they rubbed up close, doing the wiggle hips thing, and eventually he started to kiss her neck, whispering in her ear, “I think your hot…I want to hold you…I want to take you home with me.” Bla bla bla.

She laughed, told him he was drunk. He didn't know her. And said she'd sit down.

Later they left when the clubs closed, her walking not particularly straight, and grabbed a pizza slice on the way to Sean's place to call a taxi, by which point it was early morning, bright enough to see, then ended up swimming of all things afterwards at 7am in the morning!

Frankly she would have figured the pool would have been empty, yet as she walked there she started checking out guys passing, one of which had a quite nice body and having the dark hair (though not wavy) thought him sort of cute. There was the usual exchange of looks and bored of waiting for him to hit on her, decided to go for a swim. She swam for ages and eventually he joined the group and after playing dunk games with Sean to which she continually lost, was introduced. She made it clear Sean was a friend. To be honest on close up, the guy lost his attractiveness. And having still been hurt over Anton's betrayal, deep down she admitted, she started to hit on Stuart (as he said his name was) completely out of revenge. It was true. Yet it may also have been because traces of attractiveness still lay there buried deep and she never liked to let go on an impression, so she got out of the pool and planned slowly to manoeuvre her way back to her seat. The towel dry scene, (pretence of casualness) then sat back down, toes in pool, slow soft wipe of face, breasts, then slowly got up.

There are no words to describe the frustration in finding him get up and leave at that point. A lost cause he may be, but there was no way she was returning to the pool, making it obvious her presence laid with his presence.

Fortunately he returned soon later. And there began the games, she listened and he talked, vice versa. At some point he left and she totally thought he was boring. She had at that point noticed a new prey. Dark wavy hair… her head will always turn when she sees it, for that was her image of her perfect man, the man she had had a dream about, which she believed was a vision of her future. Yet this guy she saw now was dismissed as he was so obviously taken. Then Stuart returned. The games began again, more intense. She flirted, he flirted…he moved closer. She stayed still, moving only when she felt cornered. And then they talked personal, and soon later, things got serious. “You're really pretty.”

Carmen didn't hear him. “What?”

He repeated himself.

Now she had just been swimming, hair mussed and frizzy, no life. She wore no makeup, and she would swear, she looked a fright. She didn't believe him. She grinned, “I think you must be the one who's drunk.”

“No, I'm serious. You're really pretty.” He looked down at her legs, “You have nice legs too.” He ran his hands through her hair, and twirled a strand. She held her breath as he looked at her, watched him move in. “Do you mind if I kiss you?”

The words broke her out of her frozen state. Dumb dumb dumb! If he hadn't of asked, she might have allowed it. But asking, made her think of it. And in a wild panic she feared he'd destroy a sensation she had waited her whole life to feel, and ruin it. She had known the guy about an hour. Hell no she wasn't going to allow him to. “Ah…” She said unsure how to word it, “I don't think so.”

He moved back. “That's okay.”

“I mean, I don't know you.”

“But I know Jay, and I know Sean. That's not enough…?” He sighed, “Never mind, I understand.”

He left…she felt guilty but…pleased. She could have gotten kissed. She told the story to Jay, and bragging was kind of what she felt she was doing. Jay helped to relieve some of the guilt. She didn't take her advice though, when he returned, she told him the truth. After they got to talking, and he seemed uncomfortable she continued. “I'm sorry about before.”

“It's fine, I've been rejected before.”

“Err, see you seem like a nice guy, but I don't know you…and…I've never been kissed before, so I was nervous.”

“You've never been kissed?”

Carmen put her head in her hands to cover her blushing, though wasn't too sure it helped since the actions totally made obvious her embarrassment. “No.”

She lifted her head up.

“Well then it's me who should be sorry, I didn't know. I wouldn't have guessed.”

“You couldn't have”

The after affects of being drunk were interesting. She was truly tired, and had the oddest cravings, everything tasted really yum, even water. So eating was wonderful and she ate heaps. And slept the day away.

She had planned to be angry with Anton for ages, but like all plans, they don't always pan out. When he asked about how her birthday night went, he said he was proud of her for how long she stayed out on Friday. Who could stay angry when they hear that? Not her. She forgave him, instantly.

After that, things pretty much stayed the same as normal until the day of the storeroom cleanout. Her new friend Tania and her were set to the task and since it required little thought and would be organising, the day appeared to have the potential for a great day. Dressed in her tropical Friday Shirt and star socks, it had the potential to be an easy-going day, one she would remember with a smile. The Christmas Party Lunch was to be that day. Donald seemed to be interestingly elusive.

Anton she didn’t see, to the point it appeared to be as if he were avoiding her. She was curious about that momentarily, but thought little of it later. The idea he might be because he now knows she likes him crossed her mind…recalling Thursday.

He had asked how she liked the game. “It was excellent,” she had replied.

Her friend Tania had added, "Carmen was going to go down and say hello but was too shy."

Confused to who Tania was referring, he had replied “To the ---- team?”

To this he had received a “…yeah” in response, so exaggerated and slow she was surprised he believed it. He was either extremely dense or extremely naïve.

Either way, Tania added afterwards, “We stayed after to try and look for you but couldn't find you.”

He then replied that he didn't believe her, that he was there, but Carmen added, “Yeah, we did, I made her stay.”

“Yeah?”

Carmen replied, “yeah, I figured we should at least thank you for the tickets, but I couldn't find you. Where were you?”

He explained and that would have been that, if some minutes later Tania had not said very loud, “what was so bad about what I said before?”

Now he must have heard that, and that plus the bit before would have had him cluey. And that was what she thought his reason for avoiding her was. Because he had figured it out.

In the other room she and Tania went to make up some boxes and chatted away about this and that and then Tania hit her with a bombshell. Anton is to leave in two weeks. At first Carmen experienced disbelief. Then the most unreasonable anger. She was actually thankful that Tania gave forewarning. She wasn't sure how she would have reacted had he told her first. The thought crossed her mind that he planned not to tell her at all.

We then had lunch and was grateful that she did not see him then. She Tania and Carla talked and snacked away. She and Donald shared an interestingly funny moment where he called what she'd consider a monster, a gingerbread gumby man. So silly.

The box making continued, but was later interrupted by Anton ringing to ask if he could use the room for a meeting, so they left to return to the storeroom to use what they had.

Popping in to see the progress, he made up some lids and whilst doing so, broke the news. Carmen was thankful she had been forewarned and so managed to act surprised but nothing more. Yet hearing it from his lips left her feeling so depressed - since it made it official.

Unfortunately she let her sadness seep through when he said something about it being, to her it sounded just 'work' and she said, if it was just work he would stay.

When the conversation ended, she started daydreaming depressing conversations. Carla entered in that moment to grab something, and broke into her thoughts by saying “You daydreaming?” With a slight half smile, Carmen replied yes, and minutes later when Anton left said, “I can't believe he is leaving, how long has he known?”

“A couple of weeks.”

“And he tells us now.”

“That's all he needs to.”

“Maybe Donald, but what about us? He should have told us before. When did he apply?”

“He applied ages ago.”

Carmen shook her head.

Riding home she couldn't believe how hard it was not to cry, she was so sad that he was leaving. He was the one person who seemed to believe in her, and encouraged her. Someone she will always want to know, but now doubted its plausibility.

She cried three-four times on that day, and cried three more the next. The following day she did not cry, but not because she did not want to. It felt like she already missed him. A deep ache inside of her shouted to be healed. But she did not know how.

And then it happened…

The day began as any ordinary day, though not ordinary because Anton wasn't there. The ache inside her had dulled though not disappeared. Yet, for some reason it no longer hurt as much and today, amazingly, she felt happy. She would deny until this day ended, the reason signified around a certain person. A certain person she seemed to be seeing more and more of. She had been informed of a party at 2 of this day and excited at the prospect her mind was more on the party than work as it seemed weird to work on Christmas Eve. As she arrived she contemplated the chances of Donald allowing her to finish early. She naturally asked all who crossed her path whether they thought he'd let her.

The last being Tania, her advice brought hope. "Tell you what, if I were you I'd wait till Donald comes back, and if he doesn't offer you the afternoon off, ask him then."

To her surprise, he did. And he said she could go at 12! She was very pleased and excited. Thereon, she found herself counting down the minutes till she would leave. Finally the opportunity being thrust upon her, with an urgency born of the desire to get drunk, she left walking, then as the door closed, ran.

When she arrived it had already begun, and seemed mid-through. As she entered the place was crowded and attention was focused primarily around a group showing pictures of a recent event.

She suddenly felt like an intruder until she saw a friend and relaxed. They lounged about chatting, drinking Vodka Shooters. Then she saw Trevor. He looked just as she remembered, the fiery red hair, amazingly striking good looks (though somehow they appeared more striking than last she saw him. How weird!) and (this she had not noticed,) amazing eyes. For those who have forgotten, or have not read “My first male friend,” Trevor was the person who she met during drinks one night, the night she fell for Anton. Recently her life appeared to be pushing her around Trevor, in fact ever since she met him, and on seeing him now remembered his offer to borrow his ute to buy a wardrobe and bookcase and afterwards help put it together.