An Unlikely Pairing

CHAPTER 1

Bert Joyce was picking his nose reading the morning newspaper when the house phone went.

"Hi it's Bert," he said economically.

"Good morning, it's Meg," Meg said suspiciously. "May I speak to my daughter?"

"Who the fuck was Meg... whoops, his younger brother's mother-in-law.

"Nah Pete and Nina took off yesterday on a few days' vacation."

Meg asked where did they go and Bert thought to get away from the likes of you but actually said, "Dunno."

She snorted and said he was a lot of help. Bert waited patiently, suspecting she was not finished. Women rarely were. Their minds were so filled with detail about shopping, washing, tidying the house, cooking the same old meals, criticizing and complaining about their lot that they had to let it out or they'd likely implode.

"I've been calling both of them but they won't answer their cell phones."

"I guess not."

"Why do you guess not?"

Christmas, why couldn't she fill in the detail without expecting him to explain everything? Bert wondered what was the more trying, having a convoluted conversation with Meg or struggling to read the newspaper without glasses? Now he felt forced to explain... and women couldn't understand why men acted as if they lived in caves.

"While they are away I'm staying in their spacious house to have a breather away from my cramped apartment."

"What has that ramble to do with Nina and Pete not answering their phones?"

"I was attempting to quell your curiosity what was I doing in their house. I've been instructed to feed the goldfish on Sunday night and right in front of the goldfish bowl I can see their cell phones and both are switched off. They wanted a quiet week away with no interruptions. I guess they plan to engage in non-stop fucking."

"Bert!"

"What?"

She sighed and said it didn't matter.

He said that was surprising and she asked what was surprising.

"You didn't chastise me for using the phrase non-stop fucking."

Meg said she was about to do that but remembered he was mentally retarded.

"I have PhD in geography."

"I don't believe it."

Bert sighed and said she could think what she liked.

"Then why would Nina say you were mentally retarded?"

"Because I said no after she pestered me to fuck her."

"Bert!"

"What?"

"Nothing."

Bert sighed and said Meg just didn't want to believe him. "Tell me Meg do you think your daughter is capable of saying such a thing and wanting to do it with her brother-in-law?"

There was silence.

"Meg?"

She gritted that Nina could be such a slut at times.

"I wanted sex with her because she's worthy of it but unfortunately she's my brother's wife. You now discovering have principles doesn't surprise you does it?"

Meg paused before saying no.

"Well that's cleared the air. Why are you calling?"

"My sister lives about 250 miles south of here and has really bad 'flu. She wants me to look after her for three days before her husband returns from business overseas. I wanted Nina to drive me because I don't care for being behind the wheel driving long distances because it might not be safe."

Bert wondered was any women driver safe and then thought no woman was safe with any mechanical device. He speculated women were sometimes lucky, for example taking the risk to wipe themselves out with chainsaws or electrical hedge cutters because the protective clothing looked unfashionable and they were timid about cutting the wrong things such as their own limbs and they objected to the noise. Now where was he... oh yeah?

"Well I'll drive you but I don't have a vehicle at present. Come round and pick me up in your car and I'll take over the wheel."

"Are you a safe driver?"

"For fuck sake Meg," Bert snorted and cut the call.

She called back and said she would be over in thirty minutes and cut the call, not giving the chance of rejection.

"Fucking women," Bert yawned, reminding himself yet again why he hadn't married.

Meg walked in all tarted up in a blue and white sundress, modern sunglasses and sandals with high heels and her lipstick was bright red.

"You look all tarted up and your tits looking big and rounded like that look great."

She sighed and said she'd decided he wouldn't like being seen driving a geriatric.

"You're forty-two so you can't use that handle?"

"I'm thirty-eight."

"Liar I recall you telling mom your age at Nina and Pete's engagement party. You both were drunk. You were thirty-eight then and I remember thinking you were only nine years older than me."

"Well look at my wrinkles."

"I don't see much evidence of wrinkles but there will be the big one between your legs."

"May we go?" Meg asked weakly, turning crimson.

"I like your style Meg. Most women being told that would have verbally flagellated me."

Meg almost smiled and said perhaps she was attempting to impress him.

"Why?"

"Because we'll be confined traveling together but although I scarcely know you. Nina thinks you are a really impressive guy and it puzzles me why she'd say that because she's usually a good judge of people."

"That's me skillfully insulted."

Meg's mouth fell open, although was it ever shut? "No, oh god no Bert. I didn't say that as a slur; I was attempting to indicate Nina is usually right about people. That's all."

Picking up his soft carry bag, Bert said he'd secure the house and they'd be off.

"Is that all you've packed?"

"Yes we'll be away three nights, not a month." Then looking at her walking in front of him he said, "You could do with losing some ass flab."

"Oh yes and how can I do that? I've tried."

"Fuck more. It's almost as good as working out at the gym."

"Omigod, these next few days will be a nightmare," Meg wailed.

Bert was one of those under-fed looking guys with untidy hair, too much hair, green eyes that suggested they saw too much and had a fetching grin that left women wondering were their panties clean. In contrast she had three-color hair expensively groomed, knew she was too much tit and too much ass and continually thought why did men appear to think solely about sex when there were other far more important issues in life although if pushed she had difficulty to recalling what those other issues were. Oh yes the price of coffee, the efficacy of clothes washing powders, education standards and was there water on Mars?

Meg's mind reeled when he stood and opened the passenger door for her. Oh what a real gentleman, so hard to find these days. She yelped as he whacked her ass as she was climbing in.

Amazing Meg didn't once look nervous about Bert placing his hands on the wheel or dive over her seat to cower in the back. Aware of that promising start, Bert started the motor and told her to buckle up before he drove off.

He drove off smoothly, impressing Meg.

"It's a nice day."

He said all days were nice and that exchange left them both looking as if they'd decided they had nothing in common.

Some time later he said, "Let's stop for coffee."

She said they had just got underway.

He said they had been traveling for an hour and forty.

She replied and said that was impossible and heard him mutter that yes, people still existed who thought the earth was flat.

"Oh," she said. "That directional sign indicates the city is sixty-seven miles behind us. We are making very good time. Should we stop for coffee?

Bert's knuckles on the wheel whitened.

Meg bought the coffee, not that she was feeling generous but because Bert had wandered off saying he'd look for a table. She really did wonder about him being mentally deficient because most tables were unoccupied.

"How often do you have sex?"

Meg slurped her coffee.

Her back straightened and she said defiantly, "Although I have been a widow for eight months I have some lovely male friends."

"They'd have to be."

"Excuse me," she said crossly and he grinned and said they would have to be lovely because they were male."

Meg's back resumed its curve. There was no way she could dispute his comment. She was partly deafened by a roaring sound in her ears when Bert said to answer the question, was she getting it twice a day or perhaps more?

"Bert," she said weakly.

"What."

The conversation died and they sipped silently. One of them had the suggestion of a murderous look on her face.

Bert darted ahead and opened the car door for her.

"Touch me and I'll scream."

As she ducked to climb in Bert whacked her ass and jeered, "Scream."

Meg just had to laugh. She'd found that so funny and was amazed he wasn't scared of her. She believed she intimidated most men.

Bert was still grinning at her reaction when he climbed in. "You are beginning to relax," he said. "At this rate it will be safe for me to request you to show me your tits."

Meg burst into laughter. Well what else could she do, driving with a deranged guy?

"Which way?"

"You're the geographer," she said cuttingly.

"No that was our professors. We were little more that theorists at graduation but I can tell you the route to the moon and how far away it is at any given month."

"Oh that's so very useful. Proceed straight ahead. About once a month if I'm lucky."

"Excuse me??

"I have sex about once a month if I'm lucky."

Bert looked surprised to hear that and looking slightly guilty said, "Thank you for sharing that information with me."

Meg was bewildered and then saw the smirk form at the corner of his mouth nearest to her. God he was winding her up. What a big kid. She felt compelled to respond.

"If you must know I'm very unhappy with my sex life. These guys who pop up about once a month appear to be visiting on a roster."

"Why be unhappy about that?"

"They are my friend's husbands and I'm sure their wives have organized these nocturnal visits."

"What's wrong with nocturnal; do you prefer doing it during the day?"

She confessed without meaning to do it. "I don't care whether it's day or night. I just like doing it."

He nodded and drove on thoughtfully.

She thought no way would she flash her breasts at him. Good women just didn't do that.

"I'm unlikely to flash me breasts at you," Meg heard herself say. Omigod, was she mentally deficient?

"What if I said please do it Meg, for once in your life break free."

"What?"

"Do it Meg, do it right now. To hell with doubts, nervousness and possible recriminations."

She thought why not and trying not to think pulled off her top and unhooked her bra but still holding on to the back of it said, "You are driving. Promise not to loose concentration."

"Yes sure. Let them hang out for me baby."

Baby?

Meg was gripped by rising passion. She flipped them out. "They sag a bit."

"Great you can batter my ears with them tonight, if not sooner."

"Sooner?" Meg croaked.

He said well perhaps not, they'd better get to her sister. "They look great. Oh your nipples have stiffened you sexy lady. You best put them away to avoid me crashing."

Meg hurriedly complied, her face burning. Yes her nipples were peaking. She thought never in his life had she had such an exciting road trip. He'd sounded if he intended fucking her. The thought of his hard erection...

"Have you developed an erection?"

"Yes, feel it."

"Do you mind if I give it a miss?"

"Not while I'm driving. Tell me your likes and dislikes about sex Meg."

"Only if you promise to join in conversationally. I don't wish this to be one-sided."

"Yes sure. Do you feel your cunt quivering as you watch the approaching dick?"

Meg fumbled with her bra hooks. That was unusual and she felt close to panting. God what was this young fool doing to her?

CHAPTER 2

Meg said to her older sister, "Marion this is Bert Joyce."

"Yes I remember from the wedding. Call my Marion."

Bert smiled and said he'd driven Meg here because his brother Pete and Nina were away. "You look as if Meg should give you a bed-bath, you have a high temperature."

"Yes my physician said there was little he could do apart from prescribing pain killers and suggested I should be sponged down, that nature would have to take its course. I'll live. You have the choice of sleeping on a sofa as the second bedroom is used as our office, or perhaps you can share the guest room. It has twin beds."

"A sofa will be fine."

"No the second bed in the guest room will be far more comfortable," Meg said. "The room has a separate dressing room."

"Whatever," Bert said nonchalantly. "I look for things to fix dinner."

The freezer is well stocked," Marion said. "Use whatever you wish and you'll find red and white wine in the kitchen. I want just cool soup and a cup of green tea."

"Certainly ma'am and get well soon."

As Bert left the room he heard Marion say, "He seems a very nice young man. I'm so pleased he drove you because you becoming terrified at the possibility of falling asleep at the wheel but it must have been boring conversation for you, considering the age gap. What did you two talk about?"

"Oh this and that including was there water on Mars."

Bert stopped in the passage to listen.

"Oh, well did her talk about sex, glancing at your noticeable breasts?"

"No of course not. Actually I think he might be gay."

"Oh dear, poor darling. You never have had much luck with men."

Bert took in the soup and green tea for Marion and a glass of white wine for Meg. By the time he called back to tell Meg dinner was ready he found her holding the hand of her sick sister, who was asleep.

They ate and Meg said, "You really are a very, very good cook. You made this pastry for the meat pie, didn't you?"

"Yeah but no big deal."

"I couldn't have made it better myself."

"Well you are only a woman."

Meg smiled.

While they rested at the table before Bert fetched the parfaits, he said, "Show me your tits."

"The blinds are up."

"So?"

"Bert I must remind you I'm nine years your senior."

"So?"

Meg capitulated and pulled up her top and bra.

"Flip one up and let me watch you lick the nipple."

She sat petrified.

"Go on."

Meg did as instructed and surprised herself, feeling quite relaxed about it. "Is your dick rising?"

"Yes," he said, and she watched him adjust his pants at the crotch.

"Do you have a good solid one?"

"So I've been told numerous times. You are now sounding very brave and positive."

"You are to blame, wearing away my resistance."

"That's the role of a guy."

She smiled and asked when would they have sex.

"As soon as we have cleared away."

"You might not like seeing my older body."

"We can do it with the lights off but Meg, please, get over it. I prefer the maturity of older women. I haven't been with a bimbo for ten years."

She swallowed and felt her cheek. "I feel hot. I hope it's not the 'flu."

"It's your sex drive pumping up baby. Enjoy it."

Finishing at the kitchen sink they had their first kiss. It was long and very soft and ended with Meg aware her lips had parted.

"That was wonderful."

"Great, now try this."

Bert pulled up her dress hem and slid a hand inside her pants and pushed in a finger, bringing it out dripping. He offered her that finger.

"Bert no, I haven't done that for a great many years."

"Suck baby."

She sucked and gradually relaxed. She then hitched her dress back up and produced a wet a finger for him to suck. She watched closely as he made a great show of accepting the offering.

"So you suck pussy?"

"Yes Meg. Do you suck dick?"

"Yes sometimes but I don't swallow."

"You do whatever you find acceptable. Check on Marion and then come to bed."

Meg fiddled so long in the bathroom that Bert went to sleep but she awoke him, appearing to be attempting to force a breast down his throat.

He was disoriented and almost whacked her thinking he was being molested. Well he was in a way because he's just been dreaming about molesting her daughter, er with Nina's permission of course. Or did he dream that the previous night? Bert decided to focus.

"Oh it's you Meg."

"Who did you think it was?"

"I was hoping it was Nina."

The side of his head exploded and red lights flashed. The bitch, she'd whacked him.

"Apologize and promise to never touch Nina or else I'm out of here."

"Meg can't you take a joke?" he whined, rubbing his ear.

"Omigod, I'm sorry. I thought you were attempting to signal you would prefer a younger woman."

"That's rubbish and stop being so defensive. I've told you I haven fucked bimbos in years."

"So you're now calling my lovely daughter a bimbo are you?" she said menacingly.

"Meg for fuck sake. I'm saying nothing of the sort. Just wrap your moist pussy round my cock and get to work."

"Where is the condom?"

"What condom? Are you wanting to be ass-fucked?"

Bert only just caught her slapping hand to prevent it connecting with his other ear.

Snarling she fell on to him and bit that ear.

Bert howled.

"Shut up, you'll wake Marion," she said. "Where's you cock, it's so small I can find it."

"Do you need glasses to fuck," he jeered, pulling his little finger from her groping hand.

"Ohmigod, is that it? For a moment I thought you must have skinny legs."

""Ha-ha, good one Meg. Please get on with it."

"In my day men took the initiative."

Rubbing his bitten ear Bert thought of asking did people have sex in her day but was anxious that might send her over the top and she might maim him. Meg was on her hands and knees, fiddling with his dick. He grabbed her tits and squeezed and pulled down on them.

"For goodness sake Bert, go easy," she panted. "You'll have me coming before we've even started. She swung over a leg and slowly fed him into her.

He said proudly, "A little too big for comforted" but she puffed and snapped, "I've had bigger."

That deflated his ego and that almost resulted in him losing his erection. She appeared to sense that, squeezed his balls cruelly and lo, that ended the crisis.

Surprisingly it went very well. Meg turned out to be one of those women who really liked her tits being worked during sex and not unsurprisingly Bert was big into that.

"Oh fuck, oh fuck oh glorious fucking," she cooed, just before she gushed.

She lay back on him to rest and Bert snuggled up and lifted her uppermost leg.

"Hold your leg in that position Meg."

"What for?" she asked meekly and then felt herself being penetrated. Bert banged the last couple of inches into to the hilt and then began pumping.

"Omigod, what a glorious feeling," Meg said dreamily, unaware Bert had wet one of his fingers and had worked it into her butt.

Meg awoke at dawn to find Bert staring at her. She kissed him and kissed his erection and said she better attend to her sister.

She helped Marion to the toilet and then sat her on a chrome and leather-top stool in the shower and showered her.

Back in bed and drinking coffee, Marion said she felt a little better.

Meg took coffee to the guest bedroom and before showering she fucked Bert again, riding him cowgirl at his suggestion and was delighted to feel her tits swinging about like crazy.

"I can't remember when I last had sex like that," she smiled, walking off dripping to the shower.

After Bert showered he pocked his head round the door to say good morning to Marion.

"Yes it is a good morning and I feel a little better. Come closer. Can Meg hear us?"

"No I can hear her in the kitchen preparing breakfast."

"Were you two misbehaving last night?"

"You mean was I fucking your younger sister?"

Marion gasped and said yes.

"Yeah and she's really great at it. Please don't tell her we had this conversation."

"No of course not. There are plenty of condoms and lube in Lance's bedside drawer if you run short."

"Thank you Marion. You are a great understanding sister."

Marion looked pleased.

They all had breakfast on trays in Marion's bedroom and Bert and Meg spent most of the morning in the sunroom chatting, learning more about each other.