And When I Return Ch. 12

Anna awoke tired and restless. He had been running away in futility all night, running from something, but it was foggy in his mind until he checked his panties and found that he had had a wet dream, and then it all came back. Yes, they had caught him. He was so consumed by this fantasy of feminization that he felt like his whole body and mind was mired in a viscous glue. The more he tried to run in his dreams (which he now thought was his conscience), the more he became ensnared, and the glue was setting. No use in running any more. And that felt okay; it felt quite right actually, very comfortable. The glue hardened and now he had to let whatever was to come flood over him.

Then he remembered Diane's promise of an excursion today and his stomach did a flip with apprehension and excitement. He had never been in the vanilla world dressed as a woman except for when he got the mail from the roadside mailbox. Day by day that had gotten easier and he had even become friends of a sort with Bertie, the old lady whom he had met that first morning so long, long ago. She was a sweetie, always telling him how pretty his maid's dress was and how nice he looked in it. He would have liked to have a few glasses of wine with that old girl, he thought, as he was sure she could tell him a few stories of innocence lost, and guilty pleasures revealed through her life.

Gradually the dawning excitement eclipsed his fatigue, and he happily toiled through his morning preparations, complete with the insertion of the very large and odd looking expander anal plug. Lots of patience and lubricant was needed for this one, and even when the bulb portion eased past his sphincter, the muscles closed on a very thick "neck" so that he constantly felt extremely full and stretched. A wire extended about three or four inches below the flared base outside his anal opening and he looked at Fiona questioningly. She grinned but nothing was said, as it was obviously meant for stimulation by remote control of some sort. Fear, excitement, and apprehension made his hands shake in anticipation.

Once the plug had been inserted, the morning's preparation sequence became slightly different, as Fiona had placed the DresstechTM Silicone Hip Pads over his hips and secured them with a special adhesive before he put his panty girdle and corset back on after his shower. Looking at his shape in the mirror now he wondered why Diane had not demanded these many days before this; they were truly amazing and once on were both natural looking and feeling, warming to his body temperature like his breasts. However, Fiona explained that there could be excessive heat issues with them, so if he could get along without, then that was best.

Nonetheless, once his corset was tightened, flaring out over the pads at his hips, he said, "I would have put up with a lot of overheating to wear these. I can't believe how these make me feel!"

Fiona laughed and said, "Yeah, well, try doing housework in them. I bet you'd change your mind."

The last two or three days he had done his own makeup with passing grades from both Fiona and Diane, and he did so this morning before he got dressed in his excursion outfit for the day. It felt odd donning the tight grey colored leggings and the very tight fitting tank top, also in a grey patterned tint that had a racer back. When he put on the coal-black textured wrap skirt and the ballet flats, he posed in front of the mirror and his jaw dropped open. He had never felt more exposed. His breasts were "out there" for all to see, not hidden in fluff and frills like his maid's dresses, or even the more revealing but still modest evening outfits he had been wearing of late. It made him extremely self aware and in fact, if he saw someone that had breasts like this he would not be able to avoid staring either. It was probably for that very reason that Diane had chosen this outfit. There would be no eye to eye contact today.

He instinctively hunched his shoulders to minimize the protrusion of his breasts as Fiona fixed his hair in a style more suited to the outfit, a ponytail from high on the back of his head. He already missed the fall of it on his shoulders and yet it seemed right for the clothes. With his hair pulled back in this way it seemed to increase the illusion of being more exposed to the public in a very sensual and sexual way. Large ear rings would dangle from his ear lobes shortly and there was simply no place where his femininity could hide. The result was fear, plain and simple. And excitement. They always seemed linked these days.

Diane and Fiona fussed over him in the kitchen. Diane said to Fiona, "What do you think about the racer back? Think it accentuates the shoulders too much?"

Fiona stood back and told Anna to turn around slowly. She said, "Well, it would...if she had shoulders. Never won a body building contest did you Anna?" And she laughed.

Anna was nervous and jittery and added, "When I was Jason, I was one of those guys who got sand kicked in his face at the beach I guess."

Fiona added, "Really, you just look like an athletic woman, that's all. And those Lululemon clothes just go along with that look. You know, if the day gets hot early, you can always take the tights off and put them in your purse. Just make sure your wrap skirt wraps the right areas so people don't see your panty girdle, or God help you, your penis bulge."

Diane listened abstractly while leaning back in her chair and critically observing Anna for the overall flavor of the look, with her eyes scanning every inch of him intensely. She had her fingers near her teeth as if she might bite a fingernail. Then she said abruptly, "It's fantastic Anna. Get the mail and we'll watch you strut your stuff on the driveway before we leave."

It was the very first time Anna had worn lady's shoes that were flat. They crunched on scattered patches of gravel on the pavement out to the mailbox and he had to concentrate on small steps with these shoes on, as the low heels actually allowed longer steps to be taken. He imagined a line in front of him and placing each foot on that line in a controlled but relaxed gait. Gradually he did relax and his arm swings and hip movements began to merge and flow with the walk. By the time he reached the mailbox, he felt fine, and indeed felt wonderfully feminine, but his breasts still gave him trouble. They bounced and swayed in the tight top as if to say, "Here we are! Look at us; we're huge! And look at me; I', a woman."

As usual Bertie drove by and stopped to say hello. "Anna?" she said, "Is that really you? You look amazing! How come you don't have your maid's dress on today?"

"Diane is taking me into town. I'm really nervous Bertie. My first day trying to pass."

"Ha," she laughed, "Now you'll really get a flavor of what it's like to be a pretty woman and have your boobs stared at all the time." She stared off into the distance for a moment and added, "Been a long time since that's happened to me." She recovered and continued in a lighter note, "Anna, your figure is truly amazing, and your breasts..." She just shook her head and sighed.

Anna couldn't help himself; he blushed and lowered his head, embarrassed and self conscious. Of course, in lowering his head he found himself staring at the ground in the middle of his cleavage. There was nowhere to run.

They exchanged pleasantries for awhile and then parted, Anna feeling both gratified by his acceptance by Bertie, but also feeling that alone and exposed and vulnerable sensation, a consciousness reserved for the meek, a traditionally feminine and unfair trait. But it was more than body image that concerned him; it was something deeper, as it was for all women, he thought.

Diane drove, with Fiona with her in front, and Anna sitting in back glancing furtively out the window at the passing fields and houses. The corset held him erect whilst the anal plug seemed to be skewering him at times as in the drop of the car into a hollow or pothole. Even his breasts seemed to respond to the slightest movement. But he knew it was mostly his imagination, or at least an increased perception of things. He was tuned, aware, very aware, and he enjoyed every bump and turn which made his breasts bounce and sway. He was curious why Diane had not tried the remote vibrator that was lodged inside him, but it was never referred to in any way.

They drove down Broadway through Orangeville and into Purple Hill area in the northeast part of town, eventually turning into the Island Lake Conservation Area beside the town's water reservoir. The car came to a stop in a gravel parking lot. The slight morning breeze took a few moments to clear the cloud of dust that had swirled behind them.

Diane turned to Anna and said, "We'll start here. There are only a couple of cars here in the parking lot, so there can't be many people. There's a bike and pedestrian pathway over there just down the road we came in on and to the right heads toward the beach. Just go down that a ways and when you go left, it leads back to the town. It comes out on Highway 10 at Fourth Avenue. Ready?"

Anna opened his car door tentatively, looking this way and that for watching eyes. There were none, so he stood up boldly and pulled his purse up over his left shoulder as he slammed the door shut. Fiona and Diane did the same.

"I have to pee before we go," said Diane, "And after I'm done, you better go too Anna. Nothing like nerves to get the pee flowing, so get it out of your system now, okay? Be back in a sec." She walked to an outdoor toilet facility at the side of the parking lot and slammed the door shut, leaving Fiona and Anna to stand and enjoy the steadily warming morning sunshine.

Noticing Anna's nervous tension, Fiona reassured him by saying softly, "You look fine Anna. Just remember everything we taught you and don't try to be extra feminine. That's the easiest mistake to make. Okay sweetie?"

"Sure. Okay ma'am." Diane was right. He needed to pee. The corset made him feel like his bladder was squished today.

The bathroom door slammed and Diane said, "Okay, your turn."

In the bathroom, Anna struggled as usual with all his feminine clothing as he sat down to pee. Dread overcame him in waves alternating with exhilaration. Birds sang unconcerned with his drama and indecision. A gust of wind made the roof crack slightly while his urine tinkled in the water below. Two car doors slammed and an engine started, followed by the crunch of gravel. He thought it best to wait until these unknown people were well out of the parking lot. When there was no more sound, he walked out.

He stood there thinking he had turned the wrong way for a second. The Lexus was gone. Diane and Fiona were gone. He was alone in a strange place dressed as a woman. It felt like his dream, only now it was real. He glanced hurriedly around, thinking it might be a trick, but he always turned back to where the car had been, and it was not there. Dust hung in eddies on the road back to the highway.

He was a woman alone in a park, far from friendly help, and he felt that feminine vulnerability, that fear of attack.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw someone approach another parked car at the far end of the parking lot from the bathroom where he was. He thought it best to return to the women's washroom but, like a deer in headlights, he froze there, unable or unwilling to move. This was impossible. Surely they were just playing a trick on him. He strained his ears, but there was no sound of the Lexus returning.

Suddenly a phone rang. It was his own cell phone, he realized, and it was inside his purse.

His heart was pounding. "Hello?" he said.

It was Diane. "Nervous?"

"Jesus ma'am! This is NOT funny. What the fuck am I supposed to do?"

Diane mocked, "Tsk, tsk, watch your language sweetie. If you follow the pathway west, you know, the one I showed you, it's a little bit more than a kilometer to Highway 10 and the corner of Fourth Avenue. It's a pretty walk. The trees aren't huge, but the pathway is pleasant, and you get some viewpoints of the lake. When you get there, call me."

"Are you serious?" Jason asked, but she had ended the connection. He phoned her back but there was no answer.

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, he thought to himself. He had never been more aroused and scared in all his life. More than a kilometer she said, probably at least fifteen minutes. Dressed like this! In public. Jesus!

He returned to the washroom and sat on the toilet for a few minutes, trying Diane twice more. He was slow to fully realize his predicament. There had to be some way out of this. Suddenly it dawned on him that he was genuinely trapped. There was no way out but to do as he had been instructed. So, in a fever of erotic upheaval, fear not quite balanced with arousal and excitement, he resolved that he had to move forward and not hide, a metaphor for his life. Although he had agreed to the concept of public cross dressing, it had been transformed cleverly into being forced to expose his feminine persona for the first time to the unknowing public. Just like his fantasies, just like his dreams, just like his nightmares.

He stood now where the Lexus had been just minutes before and he tried to get his bearings, as he had not really been paying attention to Diane when she had pointed out the way to the pathway. He didn't think he had to. Thinking he saw it, he started walking toward the road that they had come in on, and turned left before turning right at another narrow roadway which went north. He thought he recalled her saying that this should be a pathway. He was close to panic. He was lost immediately. He called Diane. No answer.

Sensing he should at least keep moving, Anna approached another parking lot where the road ended. There was a group of teenaged boys smoking and carrying on around a pick-up truck at the end of the lot. A couple of them spotted him and stared. One nudged another and eventually all of them were staring and talking at the same time. Other than those rude sexual stares, they were relatively polite and they thankfully left him alone. Nonetheless, Anna picked up his pace. A sign said that a beach was off to his left, so he followed that pathway, eventually finding a walking path called Vicki Barron Lakeside Trail that paralleled the lake. This had to be it, he thought. He followed it mercifully without meeting anyone and when he had gone probably half a kilometer, he noticed an earthen dam on his right. The lake behind it had barely a ripple and a flock of Canada Geese notched their way through the still water. Shortly after that, the trail turned sharply right and he began to hear traffic noises. The sun was now well up in the sky. He looked at his watch. It was 10:15.

He crossed a swampy creek, then a second one before he spotted a young couple walking toward him hand in hand. He clutched his purse with trepidation as the distance between them closed. He thought about fleeing, but there was no place really to go other than backwards. He took a deep breath and trusted in his training. Relax, heel to toe, heel to toe, brush loose hair back behind ear, search in purse for imaginary item, relax hips, keep head up, shoulders back... They smiled and he returned the smile without speaking. She was young, perhaps 25, and he the same, and they talked to one another casually and happily. When they passed he stopped and let out his breath, watching them move on. They didn't even look back.

They didn't even look back at him. That meant...oh my God, he thought, that meant that they thought he was a woman and not a guy in drag. He had passed. He discovered he was out of breath from holding it and now the corset bit into him as he tried to regain his mental balance.

A feeling of elation pulsed through him and he walked on with more of a bounce in his step, more of a relaxed sway to his hips. The cross walk was in front of him finally. A large parking lot for a Home Hardware store was on the other side of Highway 10. Cars whizzed by as he stood at the tee intersection dumbly, wondering what to do now. This was the end of his directions.

The light turned and traffic came to a stop. A balding man in a red Miata convertible was within ten feet of him now, and he blatantly stared at Anna's breasts. When Anna caught him and their eyes met, he grinned lasciviously before averting his eyes back to breasts. It was gross and embarrassing. It was true what women said; they were objects of sexual fantasy, nothing more, to many men. The light turned and he sped off. Anna had never felt more like a woman, but they were very confusing thoughts at this moment. He wondered when Diane would drive by and pick him up, but then it suddenly dawned on him that he was to phone her when he got to where he was standing. Angry at himself for not remembering that detail, he phoned her.

"Diane speaking."

"I'm here ma'am. Where are you?"

"Well," she said, laughing, "I'm not where you are, am I? How'd that go, the walk, I mean?"

"Jesus, I've never been so excited or scared in my whole life. I feel like an alien on a strange planet trying to blend in. But I've been seen by a few people and so far so good."

"Well," said Diane with mischief in her voice, "You're not home free yet. Are you thirsty, maybe hungry? It's 11:00...time for lunch."

"What are you saying ma'am?" he asked, alarmed, but also happy that his journey might not be over.

"Cross Highway 10, then cross fourth Avenue and go about two or three hundred meters. Kelsey's Restaurant will be on your left at the corner of Fifth Avenue. We're there, inside at a table. When you get to the door, don't come in. Just call me again." She was gone once more.

Jesus, she had him on a string, he thought. If she had told him to walk downtown, he would have had to, because he sure as hell wasn't going to phone the police, and he couldn't phone a cab because he had no money. The purse was empty but for the cell phone and his makeup.

The traffic stopped and Anna gathered himself up to be ogled as he walked across five lanes of traffic, no-one with anything to do but watch him pass. And they did watch him, not just the men, but the women too and he found it hard to keep from glancing furtively around like a criminal at a police convention. It was repeated when the light changed and he crossed Fourth Avenue, but then he felt home free, for the sidewalk lay before him with no one on it as far as he could see. Again, people had stared at him, but no one had "made" him. Well, there was one young woman who had smiled and tilted her head at him, so maybe she did. Women were far better at such things.

He could see the restaurant ahead and realized he was indeed hungry and thirsty, as the day was now getting hot. He groaned inwardly at the thought that he was going to have another interesting tan line on his back from the race-back tank top he was wearing. He picked up his pace, and then his phone rang again.

"I want you to run the last hundred meters, girl. I want to see your boobs bounce baby." She glanced at Fiona who was giggling beside her.

Anna said, exasperated, "No way! Jesus ma'am!"

A firm and clear warning came from Diane. "Run, or we won't be here when you arrive. Call when you get to the steps," she said as she winked at Fiona.

"Shit!" Anna said, exasperated. This time he ended the connection and started running, but he soon found that it was harder than he thought. The breasts bounced and pulled at his upper pectorals painfully, so he adjusted his gait so that his arms came across his body, hiding the fact that his upper arms were adding to the support. This was precisely the motion that Diane had hoped for, as feminine a movement as a flared wrist, almost as diagnostically female as a delicate face, or even breasts.