Ann Coulter Goes Lesbian

This is not a true story. But if it were, would you be surprised?

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THE FEELINGS BEGIN

Ann Coulter, political firebrand, stood in front of her bathroom mirror and dropped her shorts. Her nicely shaved, completely bare pussy gleamed in the light. She admired her pussy in the mirror, turning to different angles to see its smoothness. She lightly touched the crack in the middle, feeling the warm furrow that was now bereft of hair. She pushed her finger in and wiggled it around. Then she brought her finger to her nose and sniffed.

"Good," she said to her reflection. "No sign of odor." She looked at the can of Fem-B-Gone on her vanity. The words on the can read, "Leaves no trace of unwanted feminine odor." Indeed, it had done its job well, so well that her friends down at the Center for Traditional Womanhood jokingly called it Tuna-B-Gone.

There was no longer any sign that her cunt was that of a grownup woman. Ann knew that her can of Fem-B-Gone was produced en masse in China, where poverty-stricken people worked with dangerous fumes and bad working conditions just so that she could turn her pussy into a slick ad for the fashion-chemical business. She admired the economic efficiency and the profit that this product entailed.

She returned to admiring her bald cunt. Then she turned around and stuck out her bony rear end. She spread the cheeks and ran her fingers up and down her crack. It, too, was smooth. Then she imagined herself getting banged from behind by a man. Ann had never been taken in this way before, believing it to be something that only liberals and evolutionists did. Yet she often imagined herself arrayed in front of the mirror in just such a way, with a tall capitalist behind her, his long, thick cock ramming her tight hole as though they were both animals.

Worse yet, sometimes that imaginary man morphed into an imaginary woman, who then plunged a strapon dildo into Ann's tight hole. Ms. Coulter shuddered. "I wish I could get these thoughts out of my head," she said out loud. "I'm a good Christian woman who is attracted to godly right-wing ideologue men with big bank accounts. Why would I have such nasty fantasies? Like Falwell said, maybe there is a feminist somewhere who is casting a spell on me, urging me to kill my children, take up witchcraft, and become a lesbian, and then take a job in a vegetarian co-op?"

Ann put her clothes back on. She checked the time. She was having lunch with Condoleezza Rice in two hours. "I've got just enough time to pound out an article for my blog," she said to herself. She flicked back her long blonde hair, blew a kiss to the mirror, then left and sat down at her computer.

Ann proceeded to quickly write a diatribe against feminists who sought to introduce an element of femininity to the Judeo-Christian God. As she did so, she became aware of a warm tingling in her pussy. She squeezed her legs together. As she typed out her polemic urging women to admit that God was a man, the throbbing in her pussy only grew stronger. Finally, she got up, went to her freezer, took out an icecube, and stuck it down her panties. "There. That should do it."

And it did, for about an hour.

ANN AND CONDI EAT ... BUT NOT EACH OTHER

Ann had a fruitful lunch with her good friend Condoleezza Rice. Condi talked a lot about football as Ann devoured her factory-farm raised steak and a spinach salad that had been processed by cheap, illegal migrant farm labor in California. They ordered some German wine with their meal. "Normally, I'd have a good French red wine," said Condi. "But ..." and she looked around, "I don't want to get caught!"

Ann blurted out, "Damn those French for having pre-existing interests in Iraq. You know, it's fine that we looked the other way when China killed 1.2 million Tibetans, but the French -- who are they to act so high-horsy and all?"

"They're nothing but whores," said Condi. "Are you going to order the freedom fries with your steak? Ann? Ann?"

"Hunh? Oh, sorry. I was just admiring those nice freedom windows over there. Anyway ...."

Then they both discussed the war in Iraq and how they could argue a case for invading Iran, Syria, North Korea, and the Vatican. As they talked, Ann was again haunted by nasty sexual fantasies that came from someplace beyond herself. Just yesterday morning, she had worked out with Condi, and she couldn't help but admire her friend's muscular body. Her pussy throbbed as she rode the exercise bike. Then, in the shower, Ann was overwhelmed by lesbian fantasies. She was amazed at the fine, round shape of her friend's breasts. Condi caressed them with soap, which turned Ann on. And how hairy Condi's pussy was! The black hair was thick and spread out, but Condi's large, pink pussy lips were visible beneath them.

Condi had caught Ann staring.

"Oh ... I'm sorry," said Ann. "I was ... um ..."

"It's okay," said Condi. "I do that too. It's just a part of ourselves that we must beat back at every opportunity. Sometimes I get these fantasies about other women."

"What do you do about them?"

"I race down to the nearest evangelical church and pray like mad to have God deliver me of them."

"Does it work?"

"Oh, yes. It leaves me with a ton of guilt, and then I go running to burn off the nasty thoughts."

"What do you suppose lesbians do in bed?"

Condi shrugged. "Not sure, really."

"I'll bet they strap on dildos and act like men. That's what my pastor told us once. He was always talking about gay sex. He must have really been against it if he talked about it so much."

Condi smiled and turned around in the shower. Ann's eyes again bulged at the sight of the most shapely behind she had seen in years. Not since she had protested at the Nudist Women's League in Berkeley had she seen such a beautiful rump. It was shaped like a heart. Ann had come to the protest in hopes of invading it and converting the naked women to Christianity, but instead she found herself mesmerized. Just now, Condi ran a soaped-up hand into the crack and scrubbed the tight crack up and down. She bent down to wash her dark legs, showing Ann her heart-shaped ass with the pink hole exposed. The blonde woman couldn't help but imagine herself on her knees, licking Condi's tight, puckered asshole. The secretary of state turned to see Ann gawking.

"Ahem," she said to her naked skeleton of a friend. "Sin, sin, sin!"

Ann turned around and showered in silence. For a moment she considered buying a leather whip to scourge herself with to beat out these fantasies, but then she remembered that only a Catholic would do that, and Catholics were all going to hell, so she would have to find another way.

"Condi?" she suddenly asked.

Condi turned around, her brown breasts swaying lightly. "Yes?"

"Why are all men such assholes? Why can't I ever find one?"

"Because you're a complete asshole, Ann," said Condi, shocking her friend. "And stop looking at my ... my ... my least evangelical part. Look, I love you as a person, but you're obsessed with magnifying the faults of the male sex and then crying in your chardonnay about how worthless powerful men are. Get a life, Ann!"

Ann looked down and showered in silence. "Well, Bill Clinton and John Edwards are gay."

"So are you, I think!" exclaimed her friend. Ann was so shocked at hearing this that she said nothing more that day to Condi.

Now, at the lunch table, she found her mind dizzy with X-rated thoughts. As soon as it was over, she hugged Condi, who needed to get back to work on a plan to pressure Canada to deliver its recent Canadian oil finds into US markets before the Chinese got to it. Ann, however, ran to the nearest church and cried her heart out, begging to be delivered from her lesbian fantasies. "I'll gladly let a man take me from behind if it will just rid me of this lesbian

filth!"

Alas, no man within a thousand miles had any interest in even touching her.

ASHLEY

Ann was scheduled to give a speech at a counter-rally later that day. A number of men and women were protesting a proposed law that would water down standards for organic farming. Ann's job was to tell the crowd that corporate influence on organic farming was good, and that chemicals were good, and that if people got sick from those chemicals, then they should take other chemicals to counteract the original chemicals. Ann loved chemicals.

Ann surveyed the people in the audience. Many of them were leftovers from the sixties, but many were also young ... and angry. Her eyes fixated on a young woman in a tank top. The woman had long, dark brown hair and an attractive bearing. She appeared confident. When the woman lifted up her arms during a chant, she exposed large tufts of armpit hair.

"Ugg," said Ann. "Armpit hair on women. If God had intended that, then why did he give us the Gillette company, whose stock I own?"

Ann took her place at a podium to the side of the rally. She smoothed her black cocktail dress, the one she had appeared in on the cover of her book "Godless." Then she watched the protestors chant slogans right in her face. She wondered why they would be so passionate about something as harmless as chemicals. As she began her speech, she was suddenly hit by a spray of something that stung her eyes.

"This! THIS is what you want us to eat!" came an angry yell with a bottle of some kind of chemical spray. She turned to see who had assaulted her thus; it was a thin young man with a big smirk on his face.

"You BASTARD!" Ann screamed. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!!! It hurts! Goddamnit!"

"If it's not okay on your skin, it's not okay in your body!" the man yelled. "Get it?"

Ann was about to answer when she was suddenly hit in the face by a pie. Another scrawny young man had thrown it. "Ha!" he yelled.

"Damn you vegetarians! Damn you all! Get some protein, why don't you?"

"Here," said the second man. "Pour this on your steak next time." He handed her a bottle of liquid. "These are the kinds of chemicals that people like you seem to have no problem with. If they are so great, I dare you to pour them on your steak!"

Ann threw the bottle back at the man. "Atheist! Liberal! Subaru driver!"

She proceeded to wipe herself off, then continued with her speech. It lasted about 10 minutes, during which she attempted to laugh off the pie attack. She could feel it on her ears, neck, chest, even on her back. Once she finished, she sat down again and sighed.

"Liberals hate me," she moaned.

As she moaned this, she looked up to see a very prim, proper young woman with a short bobbed hairdo and a turtleneck shirt looking down at her. The woman had pie filling in her hair and on her face. "Those awful people," she said to Ann. "To treat a speaker this way."

Ann smiled. "Indeed. Indeed. That's the kind of conduct we've come to expect from them, isn't it? Did they hit you too?"

"I was standing close to you when that guy threw it ... You should come with me," the woman said. "My name is Ashley. I live right across the street here, and you can come wash up at my place."

"Why thank you," said Ann. "It's so nice to be offered some hospitality!"

After the current speaker was done, Ann left with Ashley. On the way there, Ashley introduced herself; she was a nurse who worked nearby and had just gotten out of the Peace Corps.

"Peace Corps, eh?" thought Ann. "A tad leftward, if you ask me."

Ashley quickly showed Ann her brand-new Subaru on the way home. Her apartment was decorated with fine sculpture from Africa, tapestries, and lots of books. Ann nearly tripped over a pair of Birkenstocks after closing the door behind her.

"Who's this?" she asked, pointing at a picture of a buzz-cut, square-jawed, strapping middle-aged woman. "She looks so ... so ...."

"That's my mom," said Ashley.

"Oh! Oh, I ... ahem, yes."

Her shirt was covered with pie gunk and the weird chemical. It was a bad combination.

Ashley told her to take off her clothes and get into the shower. As she did so, Ashley also disrobed.

"You're going to take a shower with me?" said Ann. As she said this, she was unaware that her nipples were noticeably hard. She caught Ashley looking at them, and then she blushed.

"I'm so heterosexual," said Ms. Coulter, "that I'm not threatened by being in the same shower with another woman."

"Fine," said Ashley. Then she removed her pants and pink underwear, and heard Ann gasp. She looked up to see Ann staring at her crotch. "What?"

"All that ... that ... all that ..."

"Pubic hair? All that pubic hair? Thick, lustrous, dark brown pubic hair?" She cocked her head. "Haven't you seen a naked woman before?"

"Well ... yes ... Condi Rice is about as hairy as you--oh my God! You have hairy armpits, too!" She looked down. "And legs! What--what--"

"Get in the shower right now, you dork," said the woman. "No more of this crap. I hear more of this attitude from women than I do from men. Come on, get in!"

This shower would have been like any other had not a naked woman been so close behind her, probably looking over her butt and thinking whatever lesbians were always thinking about her! Or so Ann thought.

"I'm done," said the political firebrand after a minute of showering. "Get me a towel."

"Not so fast," said her new friend. "You've got pie stuff on your back." Ann reached around to get it off, but she couldn't feel any. "Where? Get it off me."

Those words proved to be her undoing.

ANN'S DESCENT INTO WHATEVER IT IS THAT LESBIANS DO

Ashley reached out and washed the pie filling down Ann's naked back. It proceeded to sink into her buttcrack. "Oops!" said Ashley. She reached down and put her finger into Ann's cleft.

"Hey!"

"Relax. I'm a nurse. You have no idea what I've removed from people's buttcracks."

"Shoot, now it's down near my ... umm--"

She felt Ashley's hand slide all the way down her smooth, hairless asscheeks, then to her rear hole, which winced once it felt the nurse's soft hand. Then, Ashley's other hand joined in, spreading the cheeks apart and removing what remained of the banana pie filling. Ann found herself bending over to give Ashley access to her holes. She felt warm water and soap being applied to her nether parts. As the young nurse finished washing Ann, she heard a moan escaping Ann's lips. So she continued touching the smooth, pink, thin lips. Next, her finger slipped inside Ann's vagina. "Oh my God," whispered Ann. "Keep doing that. Fuck me!"

All pretense was now gone. Ashley slipped two, then three fingers into Ann. It was the most right-wing cunt she had ever been in. And she could tell it was right wing--it was cold and angry, yet begging to be touched.

Ann reached up and turned off the water. She extricated herself from Ashley's fingers, reached for the nearest towel, and frantically dried herself off, all the while staring right into Ashley's bright brown eyes. Then she fell silent. There was total quiet in the room. Ann's eyes searched Ashley's desperately. Ashley exited the shower, grabbed a towel, and dried herself off. Their eyes remained locked. And then--

Ann walked slowly toward her new friend, took her face in her hands, and kissed her square on the lips. Ann sighed deeply, feeling the softness of another woman's full red lips on hers. "Oh God," she moaned. "I want this. I want it. I WANT IT!!!!!!!!"

And with that, Ashley took Ann's hand, led her to the bedroom, and proceeded to show her the inns and outs of lesbian sex.

At first they lay side by side, kissing ferociously, rubbing their breasts together. Ann ran her hands over Ashley's well-curved backside, holding the round cheeks in her hand. She bristled when she felt her new lover's hairy legs touch hers.

"Ashley," moaned the scary-looking freak. "Ashley?"

"Yes, Ann?" said Ashley over a mouthful of Ann's face.

"I want to lick your pussy."

Ashley's eyes opened wide. "Are you sure?"

Ann nodded. "What the hell. I've wanted it for so long. Show me what I need to do!"

Ashley looked into Ann's eyes. "Let's sixty-nine." With that, she turned her body around, straddled Ann, and said, "Let me go first. You can join in when you're ready." With that, she darted her tongue into Ann's extremely wet pussy. She sank it in as far as it would go. Ann screamed in delight.

During this time, Ashley's hairy cunt and thick lips were just inches away from her face. They seemed to encroach ever so slowly toward her. Ann was indeed coming face to face with another woman's cunt. Her heart beat wildly. Oh my God, she thought. She was enthralled by the thick brown hair that extended past the feminine triangle onto her thighs, and upward to her belly button. Ann knew that this meant Ashley had a hairy asshole too, which Ann might be obliged to lick at some point.

Ashley smiled as she looked down at Ann. She moved closer. "Ready to take your first lick of another woman's pussy?"

Ann didn't answer. The pussy moved closer and closer. Finally, it was so close that Ann could smell its powerful, earthy musk. She flinched. It overtook her senses. Her head began to spin. Then, in one swift move, Ashley put her hairy, fragrant cunt right on Ms. Coulter's face. Ann did not resist. Instead, she closed her eyes and let her nose linger in the thick hair.

It seemed to put a spell on her. "Another woman's pussy," Ann whispered to herself. Then, unexpectedly, she darted out her tongue and began licking Ashley's thick pussy lips. Ann ate pussy like an expert. She moved her tongue up through the lips, around Ashley's clit, down the lips again, and into her hole. She was hit with a very salty flavor. Ann licked up and down the ravishing young hole, darting her tongue in and out, and then sucking her new girlfriend's big clit into her mouth very gently. She nursed on it like a baby. All the while, Ashley's smell intoxicated her, driving her into a state of altered consciousness. It spoke a language Ann did not yet understand. ("God, I railed against this kind of smell in USA Today" thought Ann. "Still, there's something very natural and enticing about it.")

Ashley felt pleased as she heard Ann moan in near-ecstasy. She slowly licked Ann's bald pussy. Ann's moaning grew louder as she both gave and received lesbian love. She alternately sucked Ann's clit very gently, licked up and down the smooth lips, and dipped her tongue inside. But mostly she sucked on her clit. That's what Ann loved.

Ann came very quickly. Her pussy flooded with whitish juice that Ashley licked up. "Ooooooooohhhhhhhhhh" she moaned. "Ooooooh God, oh God. Oh God, that was so good."

Ashley looked underneath herself to see Ann lying there in a state of disheveled lunacy. She giggled. She removed her face from Ann's bald cooch, turned herself around, and lay square on top of the girlish political pundit.

"Did I make you come?" asked Ann. "You lesbians do it with oral, right?"

Ashley stroked Ann's blonde hair. "Many of us do. But not all the time. I haven't come yet."

"What do you want now? Should I keep licking? Your smell is so strong and fragrant, like that of hippies, that it excites me ... more than the hairy balls of any man. Is now the point when you strap on a dildo and do me like a man would?"

Ashley smiled. "You're so funny, Ms. Coulter, great firebrand of the right wing. I've never used a dildo in my life. Are you always this funny? Were you being funny when you said that we humans should rape the environment?"

Ann smiled weakly. "Umm ..."

Ashley sat back, placed a pillow under Ann's bony white ass, and lifted up her legs. She then placed her pussy square with Ann's, and lay on top of her. She looked into Ann's half-closed eyes as she began to rub her clit on Ann's.

"This is what we do," she said, as her hairy region ground itself into Ann's cunt. She rubbed it in slowly, in circular motions, then up and down, then pressing in, then circular again. Gasps of hot pleasure escaped her lips as the two pussies rubbed each other. Ashley took Ann's face in her hands and kissed the lips deeply and sensuously, all the while grinding her cunt into Ann's. The aromas of the two women's twats filled the air between them, driving both of them back into ecstasy.