Are We Alike in Our Need for Love

Dear Suzy4,

Are we alike in our "need" for love.

I have been thinking about our friendship, and how amazing it is to know you- and to love you- as a friend.

I realize that although we are very different, there are some common factors in our histories- and I wrote down some of my history for you to compare to your own experiences.

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When we started out with lots and lots of truth, and get truth in return, I soon realized that I was going to react to the truth in ways that need to be different from "not knowing for sure". When I meet a woman, I sort of know she must have had sex with another man, maybe several over the years, and maybe done this, or maybe that, or maybe everything! but I don't usually have to think about that because she is not going to tell me details about that. She may not even eventually tell me how she best enjoys sex either- because that would sort of tell exactly what she had been doing with other men.

Is any of that important? No. What is important is how I feel, and that I feel "in the moment" while with her. If I enjoy being with her, and she seems to enjoy being with me- that is all good! And all the other truths about our past are not much different: they will all result in ideas that are reasonable, but also ideas you never dealt with before because most people are simply not that direct (truthful).

Chapman was more right that I have wanted to believe about love-language being separate from SEX.

I started looking for "someone" because I felt unimportant to my wife, marginalized even as she would still have sex with me on Sunday after I had driven her dad to Church. And she still fed me. And took care of me. Not with as much care as she did her father, who was past 90 and was becoming less each day. He needed her and she was there for him, big time, even after he could not remember her name. How could I be angry about that? Her father has literally "given her to me" in church- after allowing me to live in their home all summer without being married to her.

He deserved all the care he got from both of us.

Wasn't I being sort of childish? Look at me!! Look at me!! He needed her more than I did, I had no valid complaint. But I discovered the internet dating sites, and found that women were sometimes interested in me, even before they knew much about me. And I found one that seemed safe: she had worked in the same hospital in Nebraska that I had. She knew all the same people I had. I even phoned the folks in Omaha and asked about her. I had no idea what she looked like, and didn't care. She enjoyed my emails, and conversing by email, and I considered that enough. In fact it was GREAT. But how could I turn down the idea of taking her to dinner? Where was the harm in that? So I went to "meet her", AT HER HOUSE. Not in public with caution, but at night, in the dark, in another city even! Scared that something would go wrong, but excited to meet her in person. I knew I did not need sex from her, and she didn't seem interested in sex despite comments that let me know she had been dating a lot and had been having sex with the guys she dated- well, I was a horny guy and that would be OK.

But I had what I really needed and the sex stuff was really just "physiology", and I probably wanted more of everything? I already felt good about Linda because every day we "talked" by email. Email had this huge advantage that I could not interrupt her- I tend to ask questions and make comments that are interrupting and thus annoying to most people. And on email I could be older, I could be not very good looking, I could actually just be me.

Linda opened the door and invited me in. She was truly beautiful, and nobody else seemed to be there! She explained she was not quite ready, and left me sitting looking at a book of great photographs of miners (all of whom turned out to be female). I wondered if I was expected to follow her back to her bedroom and maybe something sexy would happen? But I enjoyed the photographs instead. And I enjoyed the seafood dinner at McCormich&Schmick, even the part when she pointed out to me that I was staring at her boobs. I was, they were implants, she was showing them off, they were nice looking, and they meant nothing to me- but they were pretty. I didn't even imagine touching them or consider that she wanted me to.

And when I offered to shake hands at the end of the evening, Linda insisted on "a hug". But eventually we would end our dates by just shaking hands, and she would always laugh at that. Maybe most of her dates expected at lest a blow job? I didn't even think about it.

I did hug her once in her car, and asked if it was OK for me to kiss her neck- then I breathed in deeply of the warm air rising off her body and around her neck. But only once, parked in our driveway after Linda drove me home for some reason I don't recall.

Linda had phoned my wife at one point to complain about me- her reason was good: I had figured out her email password and had read some of her other email. I knew she was making fun of me to her friends. Pity for my poor wife. But that was what she had to show to her friends- I was almost 15 years older than her. I knew how I felt and I knew how Linda "really" felt about me. Was I in love with Linda? What does "in love" mean?- I loved the way I felt when she talked to me, with me, and I knew she thought of me, trusted me, and looked to me for ideas, and help. She found ways to make me feel of value to her at a time when I did not feel like I was very valuable. Even as I was working full time and earning and getting things done around home- my wife was busy with other things (mostly her dad), not me. And if Linda had wanted me to provide her with physical affection, I would not have hesitated for a micro-second. But I did not need that, and actually rejoiced that I had found a friend and did NOT have to cheat on my wife (at least not physically).

Most wives understand "emotional cheating" and are every bit as upset by it as they are by the physical kind, and maybe a lot more? A wife may consider this the first step in losing her husband.

Husbands tend to think emotional cheating is not cheating, it is fantasy. They care if some other guy is fucking his wife, and actually anything less than physical sex acts are not very upsetting unless he is somehow ridiculed about it.

"So you like him? but did you fuck him or suck his dick?" That is the usual level of a husband's concern.

And eventually I paid for plane tickets and flew with Linda to Pennsylvania, where she reunited with the husband whom she had divorced 2 years before. And had dinner with Linda and her ex-husband. So Linda was in Pennsylvania, and still writing to me, but less.

And I started "looking for someone", to hopefully replace Linda. And I found someone on matchmaker.com who seemed to enjoy email and enjoy email with me, so despite the lack of a picture, I

agreed to meet her at OMSI, to walk around and say hello in person. Susan had been very pretty in her 20s and maybe in her 30s, but had reached an age and condition that would not be considered good looking, only "presentable", despite a lot of effort with her hair (which always was very nice).

She had a great laugh, a great smile, and enthusiasm that seemed to ignore the idea she was no longer a hot young woman- but she acted like one! I have never felt good about meeting people. I tend to say things that are not what you say to someone you just met. And maybe that confuses people that I am thinking or expecting something they don't want to be involved with?

Susan seemed to adore me. And never stopped adoring me from that first day we met. She knew I was married. She said she had paid off 4 husbands and what she needed right now was someone who wanted her but didn't want anything from her. There was something about me that she REALLY LIKED. And I could tell she liked me but had no real idea what it was about me that she liked. I enjoyed that as much as anything.

But she was wrong, I did want something from her! And I was already was getting it, and suddenly "it" was 10 times as big after meeting her. I had maybe thought about sex, but I had not really expected her to be interested in having sex with me- why would any woman want sex with me? I didn't really think about it, but I must have imagined that it might happen if she ever felt like having sex. But "why would she want to have sex with me?" . But almost the next week I was working out of town and mentioned it in my daily email, including where I was an the fact that my wife had stayed home to take care of her dad. Susan asked about visiting and of course that sounded great to me- why would I want to be alone every evening in a strange town, after working very hard all day. Did I realize she would seduce me within an hour of picking her up at the bus station in Florence. Almost as soon as we got back to the place I was staying (a very nice condo provided as part of the job). I was sort of worried someone had seen her, but how could I reject her offer of naked in bed? Hard for me to recapture that moment- as I tried to kiss and caress her, and stop with that.

THAT was not what she wanted, and I was not going to deny her. And an hour later I was surprised that I could manage to "perform" again when she posed in a position that I had used only once at home because it was considered animal instead of romantic. So I was a cheater- but already I had cheated emotionally. This was different. Or not really? Then Susan had to leave a day early and take the bus home instead of driving home with me - because my wife decided to come visit me and have a one day vacation at the end of my two weeks there. Did I still love my wife? Totally? Did I love Susan. Yes, sort of, but I would never say that to her!

I had made clear to her that I loved my wife, and she seemed OK with that. She gave up expectint to hear "I love you". This seems mean in retrospect- why not just that little loving statement, which was actually mostly true. Her ability to deal with me and my almost desperate effort to NOT mislead her as to the futuer-

only made me think I was even more valuable to Susan than I otherwise would have been. She made it seem that being "second place" in my heart was a good thing!

And suddenly the attention I got from my wife was total. And the sex was the kind that gets remembered as special out of the thousands of nights of sex that might occur during decades of marriage. There are nights like that. And days like that. Unique in their passion and in the depth of emotion involved. Not just physiology, but SOUL and almost merging into one person. Hunger for more than just a good feeling - hunger to exist with, on, in, near, always, forever, together. We could not have been more passionate if the world was ending tomorrow.

But how could I abandon Susan- she had done everything right as far as I was concerned. I got a different job, Susan moved from her dad's house, which she sold, to an apartment across from the hospital I worked at. And she seemed to be OK with the amount of time I had for her, which was every work day for lunch and often half an hour or more at the end of the day, and some nights, and some weekend days or evenings. Actually a very busy "social schedule", but not full time. And soon to change.

For some reason she told me at lunch she had gone on a date the night before with someone she met from the internet. But who was I to tell her what to do? or not do? So she added that fact that he had painted a rosy picture of the two of them together, and she had sex with him in the back seat of his car. And even as I was trying to not be upset, I found myself wondering "WHY TELL ME THIS?" I am not sure what I would be upset about- there were so many choices. Why tell me? The only way I could have found out was if I developed some STD, and even then how would I be sure it was Susan? So before I got upset, I realized that she was simply trying to tell me that she was NOT mine. Maybe she even made up the story to see how I would react? And that was fine, I wanted something better for her anyway- better than being second in the heart of someone she was so very nice to.

And then I lost the job when the hospital went bankrupt, and had way less time for her. She visited her childhood home, met a guy who had recently been widowed, and who was retired military, and she married him- just like that, in about a month!

It had been a very sexual "affair", but that was only because I was horny enough to have sex at any time on any day. And because after 4 marriages, Susan understood men enough that she didn't ever want me to feel neglected sexually. But days would pass when there was no sex and everyone seemed happy - because we were good together. One day after a brief lunch she asked, "So, do you want to get laid, or do you want to help me put together this bookcase you bought me?" She actually was better at following instructions than I am, but I still think I am better at assembly (once the right parts get in place). And I may have still had sex later that day, but I don't really remember that.

But the bookcase was great. I do remember that and how much fun it was to work together assembling it.

So when you suggest that maybe I need to "feel loved" and get attention- that has to be 100% true. I may have forgotten all the details that prove exactly how true that is - and it IS easy to forget because the sex was so much fun and often memorable, and why else cheat on a spouse that is loved deeply?

Now older, I posted for platonic because I really didn't think I could provide enough wonderful sexual "service" to any woman, and was pretty sure I didn't really need that for myself.

But I did want and need something- and although that "something" is hard to describe exactly, it is very easy to recognize when it happens, especially when it happens "just right". And when it gets better even though it did not need to get better. You do that, Suzy.

Why add sex to that - I know I tried to not do include sex when I met Linda, when I first realized that something was missing, that I "needed more". But I probably didn't try all that hard to avoid sex, because Susan seduced me so easily. Years ago I was way more horny. And how can someone feel loved while being neglected sexually if he/she wants sex?

Is it two different things? Sure- but the same person. "No sex" may work when there is an incest taboo. Or enough laws to result in a long jail term. OR for those who can cheat emotionally, but have little libido- which may be true for many older women (and men?).

But how do you love someone and not love them totally? That may be easy if there is no libido, but otherwise you must know you are not giving them what you (should) know they need. And how do you stop loving someone because it becomes "inconvenient". Anyone who does that must have been faking the love?

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So is my "history" somewhat like yours, Suzy? And do I realize you may have had similar feelings, and been in the same situation regarding physical sex.

Looked for a way to feel loved. Found it, then been confronted with seduction, and been unable to resist seduction even as you may have thought you did not "need sex like that", and wanted only to "feel loved".

But maybe discovered that you could not deny someone who made you feel so loved. And that the sex was fun, AND better than good, even fantastic. And the feelings of love allowed it to be even greater than that. How can someone unring that bell? Sort of "go backwards and fix something"?

Especially now that the "something" isn't just "feeling loved", it is also the sex involved, that is better than any in the past. And how does someone abandon the person who seems to have done so many things exactly right for you (and for him/herself).

That isn't really a loving "solution", but what is?

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Wow, Suzy, not really a fantasy- but a story that I hope you don't think is a waste of time- even as it is mostly about an old man who cheated on his wife, and still does, for "no good reason". At least no reason that anyone else would understand - but maybe you do.

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Suzy, I probably will always be attracted to the IDEA of sexual pleasure, but you can and should remind me that we are ONLY platonic friends. And because the future is hard to know - you will always have a platonic friend who loves you very much. Nobody will understand he is maybe a little more than a platonic friend - they will let you have a friend like that and not be alarmed. Nor should they be upset.

It's not important, not at all. Just another friend.

But it is important to me.