At Last Ch. 04

Once Li had realized the source of her general unhappiness, she'd set out to get fix it. Because so many people had told her that therapy would help, she'd tried it. It had failed miserably. She'd tried church, but even her God hadn't drowned out the screaming in her head. Finally, she'd figured out one thing that seemed to help a little. To ease the screaming and the crying inside of her, she let it out. "Of course, I can't just... have one good cry, or yell a bunch of curse words and be done with it. It's too much. I don't know that anything will ever really silence it. Not permanently."

So she'd decided to let out just a little, just enough, to live her life. She'd chosen one day of each year, the anniversary of one of her tragic life events. At some point, late in the night, when Li was completely alone, she dragged up everything. She unwrapped her bandages and examined her scars and wounds. She would relive every moment of every waking nightmare, and take an hour or two to actually allow herself to feel bad for herself. She'd stop searching for the dark humor that made her laugh, stop trying to see any possible lesson she'd been meant to learn, stop trying to convince herself that she was okay. For some precious fraction of night, Li would give herself permission to cry until she was out of tears, shout her anger to the world, and would allow herself to actually want somebody there to hold her. And BJ had been the first one she'd ever asked to be there with her for it, the only one who'd ever been invited to hold her when she was the most vulnerable she ever could possibly be.

So it had been kind of an honor when she'd invited him to visit her on Halloween. He'd hoped it would happen the first time he'd gone out to visit, but she hadn't let him near her. She'd said it was too soon. It had been a pleasure to learn, though, that the tiny bits of sadism she indulged in helped. It was nice to have a noble reason to take whatever she dished out!

Swallowing his last bite, BJ picked up the phone. He called and again received no response. He left her a brief voice mail and returned to his night.

Li's phone illuminated the room, and she flipped it over to bring the darkness back. Only two people would call this late, and she wasn't prepared to talk to either of them. She snuggled into her pillow and wished BJ and David a good night. Somewhere in the lonely dark hours of the night, sleep found her, and she surrendered willingly.

They exchanged awkward phone calls until the date of BJ's trip. Each of them was aware of the growing distance, unhappy about it, but unable to summon whatever was required to correct the situation. Li sent him a card each day he was away, including a joke about stalking him in the return address. She hoped he'd come back and laugh, instead of thinking she'd totally gone off of her rocker.

BJ called Li when he got back. While the cards were somewhat funny, they made him feel a little guilty. Each one was like a jab at his conscience, telling him he was a bad boyfriend. They had more awkward pauses than comfortable silences, and each of them was glad there was limited time for conversation.

They chatted the night before he left for the trip with his friend. Li quietly sat and listened to his description of the place he was heading. She felt a knot forming in her throat as she listened to the sound of him packing, not hearing BJ at all. She was hearing a memory. She was remembering David.

She and David had lived in different cities during a time that he'd essentially been the glue holding her together. He had taken a week here and there, off of work, to stay with her in her apartment. She'd been so depressed at the time that without him, she might very well have died. David had spent all of his time at work haunted by the dark shadows under her eyes, her rapid weight loss, and the way she sometimes screamed in her sleep, unable to climb out of the nightmares that assaulted her.

He'd tried to pack while she was asleep, to protect her from thinking about his departure until it was imminent. Because he'd tried to spare her feelings, she'd gone along with it, sparing him in return. She'd stayed in bed, with her eyes closed, keeping her breath as deep and even as possible, listening to items going into luggage. Listening to clothing being folded, to the rustle of fabric rubbing the material of the bag. The careful sound of zippers. Snaps.

Li despised the sound of luggage. BJ was talking about a potentially dangerous trail they'd be on. She tried to pay attention, but the sounds pulled her back to her memories. Shuffle, zip. She wasn't in her little apartment this time, but the other one. The place she and David had shared, the home they had with Katie.

She was hearing the same sounds as he quietly prepared to go to HER place. The woman he'd impregnated when he'd cheated on her. This time, he was being quiet to prevent a fight, instead of sparing her feelings. Her feelings didn't matter any more. She didn't matter any more. The moment David had stopped feeling as though Li had needed him, the moment he'd stopped being the glorious super hero, Li had ceased to exist as anything but a duty.

"Are you still there?" BJ asked quietly. Often, if they talked late enough into the night, Li would drift off to sleep.

"Yea. I'm here. Sorry, just a little tired." It didn't feel right to admit she'd been thinking of David. Especially since it was making her grumpy with BJ. Easier to pretend nothing was wrong. He'd be leaving soon, and they wouldn't talk again for a week. They stayed on the phone for a little longer before BJ excused himself so he could get some sleep. She lay in bed that night, feeling horribly abandoned by BJ for reasons that had nothing to do with him. Feeling guilty because she knew it was illogical.

They next spoke right before he went on the vacation with his family. The conversation was a little lighter, perhaps because they'd each had a bit of a break. Li was trying to come up with ideas for things they'd do when he arrived. A whole week was so long! This was especially true because things had become so distant, even before he'd been gone for so long. They decided they would visit a town near her. It was a very old place, drawing tourists with its museums and ghost tours. BJ surprised her by saying he'd like to see the church, as it would be neat if they got married in the oldest church in the country.

By the end of their conversation, Li was feeling less insecure. More like they were connecting a little, like they had before. She was starting to look forward to him coming to see her. They'd cuddle and hang out, and really- maybe that's all they really needed. Long distance was hard on relationships, after all.

"I think I'm going to do it," she said when Tori picked up the phone.

"Huh?"

"I want BJ to be with me on Halloween night." Li clarified. "Things feel... better right now. We just had a pretty decent phone call. Maybe we just needed a break from each other."

"I bet that's it. And you've been pushing yourself pretty hard to let him in; to stop freaking out about being in a relationship. Maybe that was stressing you out a little."

"If by a little, you mean a whole freaking lot!" Li wasn't the sort of person to pretend something was easy for her if it wasn't.

"Well, I'm glad to hear it, but... are you sure? I mean, this is a huge step for you. Letting somebody be there, really be there, and get close to you." Tori said. "There's no turning back."

"I thought you wanted this for me," Li replied tartly. "Where's all of that happy-sunshine glitter-rainbows love is awesome talk now?"

"Hey, I still want that. I just don't want to sound like I'm pushing you to do this. You'd probably change your mind just because you don't want to feel forced." They both laughed.

"You know what we were talking about a few minutes ago?" Li asked rhetorically. "BJ asked if we could go to see the oldest church. Because he thinks it would be cool if we got married in it."

"What? And you were okay with that?" Tori was a little surprised. Li, talking about marriage, without having a panic attack?

"Well, I admit it made me a little scared... but mostly, it made me realize that all of this is was probably a whole lot worse in my head. I mean, he and I both have acknowledged that things are weird between us right now, but maybe I'm exaggerating it. It's not like I wouldn't imagine things as being worse than they are."

"That's true... and that's great! I bet that once he gets there, everything is going to be okay. You'll get to see each other and touch each other, and that really should help. Especially since it will be a week."

"Yea, it gives us the time to get comfortable with each other again and then a few days to really enjoy the company." The two girls chatted a bit. Tori was relieved to hear Li sounding more optimistic.

A few days later, Li smiled as she saw an email in her inbox. BJ had found time to write her. She hoped he was having a fun time, despite being dragged out of his introversion. She frowned as she read his suggestion that they cut his visit to Florida so that it would only be a few days. He'd spent weeks inaccessible to her during a time that things were awkward and distant. He had spent a lot of it with people he said he didn't really want to be around. Now, all of the sudden, he didn't even want to spend a week with her? His own girlfriend? She was hurt and angry- more so because she'd gotten all excited about seeing him.

She sent him a quick response, explaining how she felt as tactfully as she could. A few days would hardly suffice, given the circumstances. He was still at his computer, and wrote again. They exchanged a few emails and suddenly, bewilderingly, it was over. She stared at their emails, reading them over and over, trying to figure out what the hell had just happened. Things hadn't escalated to an argument, and she hadn't been a jerk. It had all been rather matter- of- fact. The relationship was over because it had just become too hard for BJ.

Confused but immensely relived, Li turned off her computer. The other shoe had dropped, and the things she'd expected to happen had happened. She was angry, but that was much easier to deal with than trying to force herself to let down her guard. Li was alone again. At last.