Autumn Greetings

October had come too quickly. It came in a daze of dark thoughts and panic spanning the unhappiest year of my life as my tumultuous relationship finally came to an end.

This last month and half I'd been avoiding the subject with concerned family and friends altogether, preferring instead to submerge myself in work. But today I was alone and the crippling silence invading my childhood home sent chills through me, even as I blasted every electronic device I could find. This is what prompted me to don my heaviest coat and leave the house to dwell on its emptiness.

Choosing what seemed like the driest spot on the lawn, I laid back on my thick blanket and closed my eyes. What little sunlight pervaded the dense autumn clouds warmed my cheeks as a light breeze blew in from the west, carrying with it the scent of the ocean just beyond the short length of trees behind our house. I would have the place to myself for the next week - my parents having gone on vacation somewhere hot with sand and palm trees - so I needed to find more distracting things to do than sit around feeling sorry for myself. It wasn't just that I was avoiding my recent issues with my parents. I hadn't been facing it myself, either. I didn't want to think about when or why my relationship had gone south or how it had changed me as a person.

As my mind shifted toward darker topics, I instead tried to focus my attention outward. I took notice of the strands of hair ticking my cheek and neck, the overgrown grass between my fingers outstretched above my head, smelled the air thick with the scent of rain and rotting leaves. All of it made me feel so cozy and nostalgic for a childhood I'd recently forgotten.

October had always been my favorite month of the year. I wanted to soak it all in and enjoy my new-found freedom. I suddenly had the ability to go wherever I wanted, do whatever I wanted, all without being tied down by the wants and wishes of someone with only their own interests in mind. I decided to revel in this feeling and spend this time doing whatever I liked. My resolution set in place, I felt a little happier with myself.

Between this newfound sense of contentment and the warmth generated from the many layers of clothes I wore, I began to doze off. More than once my thoughts went back to a dark place, but I shook my head free of them and again emptied my mind. Somehow this battle became more difficult as images kept clawing their way to the forefront and before I could stop it, the memory of an angry face rushed back to me like a speeding train.

I started awake, terror taking hold as I saw a blurry face hovering over me.

"Della," came a soft, deep voice. "It's okay, it's just me."

I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and felt my entire body relax as I saw a familiar face peering down at me. It was different than the last time I'd seen it though, with a lovely tan and hair that curled around the top of his head where he'd left it long. His brow furrowed, concern marring his usually laughing green eyes. Before he could speak I lunged at him, nearly knocking him to the ground as I wrapped him in a tight hug. I inhaled the heady scent of travel mixed with warm spices and it hit me how much I'd missed the smell of my twin.

"Woah, Della," he laughed. "You okay?"

"Why didn't you tell me you were coming?" I deflected and released my choke-hold on his neck.

"I wanted to surprise you," he smiled warmly, adding with a shrug," and Mom called me. She seemed a little worried about you."

I looked away and sighed. I hadn't seen Cole since Christmas and the first time he'd made an effort was when our mother goaded him into it.

"I'm fine," I said stubbornly. "I'm... I guess I'm just working through some things."

Cole nodded slowly.

"It's getting cold out here. Why don't we go inside?"

He stood and held out his hand to help me up. Despite the weight of his large backpack, he still leaned down to scoop up my blanket for me. I smiled in thanks and led the way into the kitchen.

"Was it a very long trip?" I asked as he dropped his things near the doorway with a relieved sigh.

He nodded and tried painfully to bend his back in the other direction.

"Go ahead and get cleaned up. I'll make us some dinner," I said.

"Thanks, Della," he smiled and kissed the top of my head. Though we were twins, he was a full head taller than me and could comfortably rest his chin on the top of my head. He did so now and wrapped his muscular arms around my shoulders.

I felt a twinge in my belly as he held me tightly against his chest. It was a strange sensation - almost like butterflies. I marveled at how strong he felt around me and how safe I felt having him near.

"I missed you," he breathed against my hair.

"I missed you, too."

We stood there for a long time listening to each other breathe. We often did this when we were little until our breathing and even our heartbeats would synchronize. It felt natural, like two halves coming together.

He gave me another light squeeze and slung his bag over his shoulder again.

"I'll be quick," he called as he retreated up the stairs.

I smiled after him, feeling incredibly comforted. Cole had always been able to put me at ease no matter what was stressing me out. Maybe that's why this last year had been so difficult. Even when we left home for college and moved across the country from each other, we kept in steady contact. It was sometime and the beginning of last year when we lost touch; right around when me and my last boyfriend moved in together.

The smile fell from my face as I unintentionally let those memories creep in. I felt my jaw tense and decided to set about chopping vegetables instead of giving in to the impulse to smash something.

By the time Cole came downstairs I had some potatoes boiling on the stove and vegetables roasting in the oven.

"Feel better?" I asked as a wonderfully scented waft of air billowed toward me when Cole walked by.

"Much," he replied, eyes smiling down at me. "I can take over if you like."

"Aren't you tired?" I countered.

"Nah," he grinned smugly. "I can help if you tell me what you're making. It looks like you've done most of the work, anyway."

I moved aside and gave him a short list of instructions while I went to the liquor cabinet for a bottle of wine.

"I figured we ought to celebrate your homecoming," I explained when he gave me a look. He knew I didn't drink very often. "So, tell me all about your trip. I want all the gritty details."

I settled in to the bar stool in front of him and prepared myself for a long story as he breathed out a long puff of air - a tell-tale sign there would be lots of juicy details. He went on to tell me about how he'd spent the last seven months hopping around youth hostels and air bnb's while writing a screen play for a friend. They were producing an indie film for the Sundance Film Festival and much to Cole's dismay, he was having to write and rewrite scenes while filming was happening.

"We didn't even know how the stories would fit together cohesively but I guess that's just Marvin's style," Cole told me while I poured us a second glass of wine. "He's crazy."

"You obviously enjoyed it," I teased. There was such a flash of excitement in his eye - it was clear he felt a rush working in this way.

"Looking back on it, yes. It's a lot easier to get inspiration for a story when you're in the location you're writing about, but at the time it was really difficult," he raised his eyebrows at me. "Marvin and I spent a lot of all nighters trying to work out the kinks in the story line just to immediately start filming in the morning. I had to keep everything a month ahead just so we could get the actors their lines and sometimes we'd get there and Marvin would say, 'I don't think this character would say that,' and we'd spend the rest of the day shouting at each other and rewriting if he wasn't satisfied with the actors' improv."

"Sounds like it's going to be an amazing film," I tried to encourage him.

"It is," he shook his head. We'd finished our first bottle of wine and both felt a bit fuzzy when we finally doled out the food. "I stayed in Europe for a few weeks after filming finished and I'd been in Mykonos a little while when he called me to tell me the film was done and they were having a small screening with the cast and crew in Brighton, where we'd first started filming. Visually it's stunning. And I hate to admit it but the bastard was right about the changed he made to my script. It wouldn't have been the same."

"When can I see it?"

"At the festival, if you come as my date," he winked at me.

"Deal," I laughed. The sensation of butterflies in my stomach had returned with a vengeance. I blamed the wine and decided to cut myself off.

"So... should we talk about how your year is going?" he said gently, obviously trying to make the comment not sound sarcastic.

"Work has been really great for me, too," I smiled, feeling cheeky, and raised my glass to him. "I actually had a really successful gallery show last April and sold a lot of pieces. I've had quite a few contracts since then and my Inktober work is doing really well on instagram so I'm thinking about making a zine at the end of the month and selling it in my shop."

"I'm happy you're doing so well," he said seeming genuinely pleased, but he raised a brow and leaned forward to rest his chin in his palm, waiting expectantly.

I took a deep breath, knowing there was no way of getting out of this, and looked down at my palms.

"It's been a really tough year, Cole," I finally said in a low voice, half hoping he wouldn't hear. "I feel like I've completely alienated myself all for some guy who couldn't even treat me like a person. But I kept giving and giving because it was too painful to face reality. It broke me. I was never good enough but I still did everything for him as if that would somehow prove my worth. All I'd done was make myself a mother, a maid and a secretary wrapped in one and suddenly I was constantly taking orders.

"Even when I started having panic attacks I couldn't admit to myself that they were because of him - the constant stress he put me under. I can't tell you how many times I woke up to him shouting at me for something stupid or his constant nit-picking of everything I did. It was like walking on eggshells all the time. He was always so inconsiderate of my feelings. You have no idea what it's like to be manipulated by someone who doesn't think you're worth the dirt under their shoes."

Cole sprung from his chair and wrapped his arms tightly around my heaving shoulders.

"I never realized it was that bad," he said against my hair. "Why didn't you tell me? I should have been there for you."

"I stopped talking to everybody," I sobbed into his neck. "You were gone, I felt like you didn't want to talk to me and I never could have asked you to walk away from that project just to take care of me. That was a huge opportunity for you."

He shook his head. "I would have put things on hold to help you. Someone as beautiful and talented as you doesn't deserve to be made to feel as low as he treated you."

I hugged him tighter, letting the safety of his embrace wash over me. He let me cry until I could compose myself well enough to speak. When I did, I pulled away and tried to laugh at myself as he gingerly wiped at my damp cheeks with his thumbs. As we looked at each other his gaze became more intense.

"Why can't I find someone like you?" I said in a crackly voice. "You're basically the perfect man."

He chuckled deep in his throat. "I think the wine's talking."

"I'm serious! You're always such a gentleman and you're always looking after people. "Not to mention you cook and clean up after yourself, unlike every other guy I've dated. You care - about yourself and other people and you're always showing it. You're a rare breed, Cole. Don't ever sell yourself short."

Cole's eyes blazed at me and he took my face in his hands.

"You make me sound like a cool guy," he said warmly.

"You are," I repeated back to him. "If I could copy and paste you I totally would. Like I said as far as men go, you're the goal."

"I'm glad you think so."

We stared at each other like that for some time when a strange look crossed his eyes and he suddenly pulled away.

"I'll clean up," he offered. "Why don't you go ahead and get ready for bed. I'll get some cocoa going and we can stay up all night watching Halloween movies."

I gasped in delight and propelled myself out of my seat.

"You're the best human being in the whole wide world," I told him and pecked him twice on the cheek before dashing upstairs.

As I started the shower and pulled off my clothes, I stared at my pale body in the mirror. I wasn't incredibly thin or toned but I was shapely with the smallest bit of a pudge protruding from my mid-section. I had always admired my larger, rounded backside in comparison with my small but firm breasts but in the last year I hadn't really looked at myself - at least not in appreciation.

Since I'd been home I had gotten back into a healthy routine. I was finally eating well and exercising a healthy amount instead of quelling my hunger with coffee and constantly worrying about my size measurements.

Maybe it was the wine, but I found myself becoming quite aroused as I twirled in front of the mirror. It had been a very long time - since long before Will and I broke up - that I'd had good sex, let alone a real orgasm. As our relationship had progressed, Will's version of foreplay had been reduced to kissing and putting on some lube if I wasn't wet. If I protested his only reaction would be to tell me to relax and force himself inside me. There had been many times I'd had to grit my teeth and hold back tears until he was done. I couldn't remember the last time he'd actually made me come. Once he finished, he would always comment about how I needed to work out my abs more.

I frowned down at my belly and pinched it between my hands. It was a little unsightly...

I shook my head a buried the thought. I stood further back from the mirror and looked at my body as a whole.

"Totally proportionate," I told myself out loud, smiling at my reddened reflection.

Cole's voice sounded in my head; he'd called me beautiful and talented. It felt so good to hear those words that I wanted to instill that moment in my memory. I closed my eyes and visualized it - the way Cole had turned his eyes on me in earnest, the feel of his arms wrapped tightly around me and the smell of his skin so close...

When I opened my eyes I was blushing. The wonderful sensation of butterflies crept back into my belly and I could feel my arousal building. I'd almost forgotten what it felt like to be horny.

Not wanting to miss the opportunity, I stepped into the shower and set the shower head on a setting that would do the trick. With the steam from the hot water strengthening my buzz I was able to completely relax against the shower wall as I let the steady stream find its way to the perfect spot. I sighed, enjoying the sensation, and lifted one leg onto the side of the tub. I could feel it building now. My breathing became harsh as I reached behind me and slipped one finger inside myself up to the knuckle.

A soft moan escaped my lips as I slid my finger in and out of my hole, slowly at first and then faster, adding another finger as I slipped them deeper inside myself.

Oh god, I wanted someone inside me so badly! I tried to remember the sensation of a thick cock penetrating me but my mind conjured an image of a face breathing hard against my neck. In my mind, I saw Cole's muscular body pinning me down and thrusting forcefully between my legs. I felt a guilty twinge the second the image presented itself but it was so hot and I was getting so close... I could feel his arms around me now, smell his glorious musk. I imagined the sensation of his lips on my neck, the feel of his tongue parting my own lips, and I was filled with a horrible need.

As I came close to climaxing I pushed the third finger inside myself and repositioned the water back over my clitoris. My knees shook as I bucked against my fingers, imagining Cole's cock throbbing inside me as I came. I had to bite my lip to resist the urge to scream and dropped the shower head as wave after wave of pleasure shook my body.

Lightheaded from the steam and my powerful orgasm, I put the shower head back into place and let the water fall over my head.

The realization of what I'd just done struck me but I decided not to feel guilty about it. I'd needed that for a very long time and besides, there was a very big difference between fantasizing and doing. If my twin was my ideal in a man then it seemed natural that my drunken mind would conjure images of him while I masturbated.

I was done with the strictly physically attractive type - I wanted the personality to match, too. Suddenly I wondered if that were even possible.

Remembering Cole was waiting for me downstairs, I rushed through my shower and night-time routine. My reflection was still quite flushed but I guessed he would assume it was due to the heat of the shower and donned my favorite skeleton onesie hanging on the towel rack. I skipped brushing out my medium-length pale blonde hair, preferring to let it wave naturally, and skipped downstairs where Cole was waiting with a large cup of cocoa.

"You're looking chipper," he commented as I settled in on the couch next to him.

I blushed but made up an excuse I knew he would believe.

"Sometimes you just need a good cry," I half-fibbed. Then adding genuinely, "Thank you... for earlier. I really needed to get that off my chest. I haven't really vented to anyone since the break up."

"You obviously needed it," he smiled and laid his arm across the couch behind me. "I'm sorry I haven't been there for you, Della."

"I'm sorry you had to come home to this," I said quietly. Not wanting to ruin my feel-good vibes I laid my head on his shoulder and nestled in to his side. "What are we watching?"

"I thought we'd start out with your favorite, 'Trick-or-Treat'," he said as he slipped his hand around my waist and flipped the TV's input.

I gave a small shriek of delight and he chuckled at my childishness.

With his hand draped casually on my hip, I felt a new wave of butterflies crawl down my belly. I blushed, remembering my unsavory indiscretion but enjoyed it nonetheless, glad he couldn't see my face as my cheeks turned a deeper shade of red.

...

We'd reached the act in the movie where the group of kids were gathering jack-o-lanterns to pay homage to the dead.

Cole had been scratching his fingertips gently up and down my side, tracing the line from the side of my breast to the bottom of my hip when I felt his hand droop over my side.

I sat up to look at him and he woke with a start at the motion.

"You should get to bed," I told him. "You look exhausted."

"No, I want to sit with you," he pouted adorably.

"It's okay, we can do this tomorrow when you've had a good night's sleep," I suggested.

He made a face but seemed too tired to protest. Instead he tipped forward to lean his head against my chest. A shock ran down my spine as I felt his hot breath between my breasts and a delicious yearning rose deep in my belly. I reveled in the sensation for a fraction of a second before pulling myself away.

"Come on, then," I called and pulled him to a standing position. He groaned in protest but relaxed as I let him lean his weight on me.

It was a struggle but I eventually got my brother up the stairs and pulled back his comforter so he could lay down. I felt a twinge of guilt when I realized how musty his bed must be from disuse. I decided I would fix that tomorrow and tucked him into bed.