Avoid This Porn!

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Reviews of four bad adult films.
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Today, I have a review of four films from the early 1990's that you should avoid renting. Two of the films are from Cal Vista Entertainment, and the other two are products of Metro Home Video.

Babe Magnet (from Cal Vista) starring: Tianna Taylor, Asia Cararra (before she spelled it "Carerra"), Isis Nile, Vixxen, Heather Lere, Kristina West, Tony Tedeschi, and Nick "When is he going to cut that mullet?" East. The full title of this movie, as listed in the opening credits is Babe Magnet: A Pheromone Tale. This could have been a good, funny movie, but it's lame. Tony Tedeschi plays a nerd and Nick East is his playboy roommate. The two of them go to a bar (bartended by the film's director and producer, Bud Lee) where Tony hits on Heather Lere, but is rebuked. Nick, meanwhile, picks her up with the smooth line, "She's got great tits, huh?" They go back to his bachelor pad (which looks like it was designed by Christopher Lowell) where he straps on a condom so he can give her some doggy action. I can't get over how Heather Lere and Sandra Bernhardt have the same mouth. They get the bed squeaking, but I'm distracted by the fact that Nick East is wearing a medicine pouch around his neck. This is never explained.

Tony reads an ad in High Society magazine for a lotion called "Babe Magnet" that is chock-full of pheromones. He is funny during the scene, and has Nick East genuinely laughing. I usually find Tedeschi annoying, but he put on a good show in this scene. Sadly, once he gets the lotion, he turns into his annoying self in full stud-mode, complete with bad haircut.

They go back to the bar, where Nick is now a loser with the ladies, whereas Tony is able to come up with such dazzling pick-up lines as "There's a whiff of love in the air tonight." He takes Asia and Isis home for a three-way. There are good shots of Isis tonguing Asia while they 69, and Tony gets lots of double head, but his money shot is lame. I guess "Babe Magnet" can't help with that. The next day, he brings Vixxen home so they can go at it while some weird Japanese soap opera music is playing. Someone's dog is also barking off-set. She loves being eaten and then fucked doggy style, but why doesn't he fuck those big tits? Again, we have a lame money shot.

The film ends with Nick inviting Tianna and Kristina over to the house. Both men want Tianna, so it becomes a contest of Babe Magnet vs. No Babe Magnet. Of course, they both like Tony, and Nick is a "total creep" and "major asshole." Nick finally slaps on some Babe Magnet and ends up banging Tianna after all. Instead of ending with a four-way, Bud Lee decides to end the film with the two couples splitting up. Why? Go for it, Bud! Kristina looks intimidated with Tony atop her, but she gladly blows him after his weak belly shot. This film is slapped together. Stay away!

Bodywork (from Metro) starring: P.J. Sparxx, Crystal Wilder, Melanie Moore, Teri Diver, Tina Tyler, Steve St. Croix, Tony Tedeschi, T.T. Boy, and Terry Thomas. P.J. comes home drunk and masturbates on the couch while she rants on about her husband, Randall (played by Terry Thomas). "Who needs men?" She asks. "I have plastic! (a silver vibrator)" She engages in some harsh nipple pinching and there's a nice fade to Terry coming home with his mistress, Melanie Moore. They do it on the hood of her car right in the driveway. He treats her tits like soft serve ice cream, and her forehead looks huge due to a weird hairstyle and camera angles. There is some weird funeral dirge playing as she blows him and there's some reused footage!

Directors who simply loop footage during sex scenes in stupid attempts to extend the length of the scene should be beaten and dragged through the street. Okay, that's extreme, but it is annoying and insulting to the viewer.

Terry looks ridiculous as he straddles the bumper of her car and has trouble keeping his dick in her. He also looks like he's about to cry at any moment. He gives her a big facial though, I must admit.

P.J. calls him out, but he whines and claims innocent. She also wrecked his car on the way home, so he takes hers and she must get his fixed. There you have the weak plot of this film. So, she takes it to Steve and Tony's shop to get it fixed. Back at home, she and Crystal Wilder have a lesbian tryst. Crystal dives right in for a box lunch, and P.J. looks like she's in love. They do a nice 69, and P.J. is soon burying Crystal's face in cunt. She then bangs Crystal with a strap-on (even though the set-up for the scene is the fact that P.J.'s character hasn't been laid in months) until Crystal collapses atop her in orgasm. It's the best scene of this forgettable film.

Back at the shop, P.J. makes a bad apology to Steve for being a bitch in an earlier scene. She can't act. Tina, the shop secretary, and Tony go at it on the shop floor in a scene that is intercut with close-ups of a car engine. P.J. and her bad acting leave her husband, and we're thrown a lame scene between T.T. Boy and Teri Diver. It serves no purpose. P.J. goes to the shop for the big finale with Steve St. Croix, but it's a big letdown. Save your money!

French Open (from Metro) starring: P.J. Sparxx, Sierra, Marine Cartier, Angelique, Diane O'Daine, Natasha Zimmerman, Don Hart, Don Fernando, Dick Nasty, Charly, and E.Z. Rider. The full title listed in the opening credits is French Open: On the tail of... The film has nothing to do with tennis or bicycling, but it does take place in Cannes, France.

The first scene was shot post-production in France (as evidenced by the different film quality) and has Dick Nasty sitting outside a couple's bedroom so he can watch them screw and jack off into his Panama hat. The guy in this scene looks like he's doing a side job between gay porn gigs. He looks bored while eating out this cute brunette, but she tries to enjoy it. Once inside her, he wants to slam away like a jackhammer, but she keeps him slow. She asks for harder treatment in the doggy position (and gets it), and he cums on her ass.

The "plot" of this movie is Dick Nasty hiring Stuart Canterbury (the director of the film) to fly around the world and send him videos of beautiful women. Once he finds the perfect one, Stuart must bring her to America for him. You can barely hear their dialogue over the ocean surf in the background.

Stuart decides to start in Cannes, where P.J. is hoping to become a movie star and Sierra wants to find a rich husband. They start off their missions by first having lesbian sex on a balcony. Sierra (who looks like a friend of mine) loves eating P.J., and there's lots of mutual fingering, but there is too much reused footage here (yes, Mr. Canterbury directed Bodywork as well).

Stuart offers some French woman two thousand dollars to strip on camera. She does, and appears to be a natural for it. She plays with her pussy and flips off the camera. It's so mod! Next is Mike Horner (who is not listed in the credits) banging some blond woman on some stairs while Stuart videotapes them. She has fun, and there are hot shots of him fucking her face while she fingers herself, but it doesn't last long enough. Stuart tapes another French couple doing it, and then Sierra gets it on with some guy in a red bathroom and decides to leave with him. P.J. is stuck in Cannes alone. "To be continued…" says the movie. "Stay the fuck away from this film and someone punch Canterbury if he makes a sequel," say I.

Pink Ladies Detective Agency (from Cal Vista) starring: Julia Ann, Marc Wallice (not "Wallace" as he usually spells it), Brittany O'Connell, Gerry Pike, Laurie Cameron (now known as Sunset Thomas), Aaron Colt, and Zachary Adams.

It's nice to know that if Julia Ann gets out of porn, she can get work in slapstick comedy. This film is bad (it looks like it was edited with a meat cleaver), but there are some goofy laughs from Julia playing a bumbling private eye who is forgetful and accident-prone. She first "sneaks" into a house (making at least three pratfalls) to confront a guy for killing his ninety-three year-old wife. First, however, she must watch him screw some brunette in an awful scene. She learns that he didn't kill her, and moves onto the next case – "The Case of the Twisted Sister." I was hoping that Dee Snider would not appear anytime soon.

Unless Sunset Thomas sends money to a blackmailer, he will send tapes of her working at an escort service to several people, thus blowing her shot at law school. Julia decides to pose as a call girl, and follows Sunset on a job to learn the biz. Sunset and a brunette go at it in some guy's kitchen while he watches. Sunset covers her in whipped cream, chocolate sauce, and butterscotch sauce. "It's sensual," says the brunette. Sunset and the man eat out the brunette and we hear that "Ass fucking is extra." Both asses are plumbed, and Sunset enjoys it most. There's a slow-motion cumshot for the brunette and some nice Frenching between the two ladies.

Marc Wallace co-owns the detective agency and wants Brittany O'Connell's help to take it over from Julia. So, they screw in reverse cowgirl and she looks great with her mouth full of cock. Julia, meanwhile, is having sex with Sunset in Sunset's bathroom. The scene is cut short, but perhaps the director found the bizarre ice cream truck music in the background too distracting. I know I did.

Wallace meets Sunset's sister, who is the jealous blackmailer. He likes how she has the guts to do something like that, so they screw on a picnic table. It's nothing special. Julia, now a call girl on her first gig, strips for her real-like husband, Zach Adams, whose head seems disproportionate with the rest of his body. It's a cold scene for a real-life couple. In the end, Julia accidentally shoots Wallace when she confuses her gun with a cigarette lighter. You should also do the same if you rent this piece of crap.

Next time, I hope to have better porn for you, but for now, stay away from these four. Save your money for stuff by Andrew Blake or Stanley Kubrick.

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AnonymousAnonymousover 10 years ago
pink lady

Not sure how much we can trust your judgement when you don't even know that Laurie Cameron & sunset Thomas are two different people.

beguiled999beguiled999over 10 years ago
Not sure why I read this....

But strangely I have a lot of...uh...points with an internet company that has a lot of movies from the 80s and 90s. I don't agree about Babe Magnet...lol

norcal62norcal62over 12 years ago
Thanks for the alert on crappy porn.

Unfortunately, most of what passes for porn could be included in your summary.

Too bad that the industry is run by mental cretins; for mental cretins.

There is good porn erotica available but it seems to take a lot of sifting to find it.

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