Bad Habits

"Thank you," I whispered, smiling and feeling at peace.

"You're welcome," she replied. "I enjoyed it too."

"Really?"

Realising that my eyes were closed, I opened them to see her beaming at me.

A few minutes later I was showered and ready to be on my way. Camilla showed me to the door, and gave me a kiss on the cheek as a goodbye. I was smitten.

---

Lady when we lock it low, we get together

It's an overdose

---

Over the next six months I became a regular at Body Mind, normally going once every three weeks, always asking for Camilla when I booked my sessions. The company itself was quite professionally run - I was even given a loyalty card on my second time which entitled me to a free session after six visits. As time progressed, Camilla and I became more acquainted with each other. Her english improved as well, which made it easier for us to talk and get along.

We learned more about each other - I told her about my work as a journalist, and entertained her with more stories of my life. She was only 21 compared to my 32 years, so there was still a lot for her to experience, and we talked about her hopes and ambitions for the future, as well as some of her interests. I wasn't surprised to find out that she was a very sexual creature - she often attended fetish parties and loved dressing up. That scene was entirely new to me so I was intrigued, and she told me some stories of her own about some of the debauchery that happened at these parties. It was a world I would never enter, but the stories of her adventures, and the vivid descriptions of the outfits she wore allowed my imagination to run riot when our sessions turned towards the climax.

As we became closer she allowed me to touch her more. It became normal for me to be able to massage her breasts, or fondle her pussy lips when they were within reach. She started holding my hand when she was jerking me to climax. On one memorable occasion I was allowed to suckle her nipples. However the boundaries remained in place; we never kissed, and all sexual contact was with hands only. The intimacy we had only increased as we became closer, yet Camilla was always firm that we would never cross the line. I even asked her to dinner once, and was met with a gentle rebuffal that she didn't go out with clients. I was a little dejected after that, but I understood her professionalism, and didn't go out of my way to push it further. After all, I was enjoying myself in the company of one of the beautiful women I had ever met, so why ruin a good thing?

As for my personal life, it had improved slightly. One night I had two of my best friends over for dinner, Brian, who I mentioned earlier, and Shirley. The three of us had lived on the same street as children, so we had grown up together and were extremely close as a result. Brian and I had played on the same football team and Shirley went to a school near mine. As a trio we were inseparable, and most of the best times in our lives were spent with each other. I hadn't told them about my illicit body to body massages though - some things should be kept private.

Anyway, on that night all the problems I had faced came to the surface, and I had a meltdown in front of them. They had been trying to get me out of my depression for a while, and we were on the subject of death - one of my cousins who I was close to had passed away suddenly a couple of months previous, and that had affected me greatly. Eventually, after recounting all the setbacks I had faced, I broke down in front of them, bursting into tears and blubbering that life couldn't get any worse. Shirley cradled me in her arms while Brian handed me tissues and talked me through my pain. It was a horrible night for all of us, but it ended up being a positive experience. I had always been the type of person who didn't reveal my feelings to my friends - I tended to suffer alone as I didn't want to drag other people down with me. As a result, most people who knew me didn't realise how badly I was hurting inside, since I was always able to put on a jovial front when I was out with them. Even Brian and Shirley hadn't realised how badly I was hurting.

After that night, I started to get a grip on myself. I realised that one of the reasons I wasn't recovering mentally was because I was trying to keep myself together and power on through it, when really I should have stopped and taken time to properly reflect on all the setbacks I had faced. I started to get regular counselling - more tears ensued, but it gave me the chance to fully rationalise and understand my feelings. My friends made more of an effort to keep my spirits up, and helped to get me out of the house and back into the social scene.

---

This is the highest cost

Take you and make you off

Love you and leave you lost

Will you forgive me?

---

One day I was with Camilla for our usual session. The day had been a rough one; three people had called in sick at work and I had to write a bunch of articles to cover for them. By the time I got out of the office it was close to 8pm, and I had taken the last appointment of the day as a way of rewarding myself. When I arrived, Camilla also seemed a bit tired, but to her credit she didn't let it show, and my spirits were soon lifted. I had gotten into the habit of booking longer sessions with her just so we could talk more - often she would like naked on the table next to me and we could chat for a while about life while fondling and caressing each other. It seems stupid when I think back, but it taps into a innate human need for many of us. People will go to great lengths for two things - sex, and to avoid loneliness. As a journalist I have covered my fair share of heartbreaking stories about those particular subjects. Not to mention the number of relationships I have observed over the years that seemed incomprehensible to me. I am lucky to have been in love, and maybe unlucky to have lost it, but one thing I do know from my experience is that the fear of losing love outweighs just about any other emotion I had ever felt. That's why many people will turn to paid companionship when there is no other option, just to have that feeling of someone else beside them who won't judge or criticise. I once interviewed a notorious escort, who told me that more than half of her clients didn't even want sex, they just wanted someone to talk to. I found that baffling at the time, but having experienced more of life, I didn't find it so strange anymore.

As was our routine, we were cuddling on the table and talking, when Camilla said something that really hurt me.

"Your breasts are bigger than mine," she had said idly, with a giggle.

My weight was still a sensitive issue to me. As someone who had been very fit in the past, I had stubbornly refused to acknowledge what I had become. My last weigh in had hit the scale at around 220lbs, and I was getting to the stage where I could become classified as obese. Shirley had been nagging me constantly to lose weight, but I kept ignoring her. Perhaps it was due to my lack of self esteem after April had left me - I didn't feel like I could be better or deserve better, so I hadn't tried.

I never told Camilla how I felt when she said that. I carried on smiling, and we finished as usual, but when I went home that night I took a look at myself in the mirror, and thought that I had to change. Mentally I was the road to recovery, but I needed a kick to get me going physically. Camilla was only making a playful joke, but for some reason it had cut me more deeply than any of the comments my friends had made. Upon reflection, I think it's a combination of a couple of things; firstly, she was the only woman who had seen me naked since April. Secondly, I felt that her beauty was something that put her way out of my league, and that joke was a harsh, if not deliberate reminder, that I was far less attractive to the opposite sex while in that state.

After that night I made a resolution to myself to not go back to Camilla until I could get myself into shape.

My next physio appointment was a week later, and I told him that I wanted to get back into shape. No matter what I would have to go through, I needed to get back to my old shape. He was a little surprised at my determination, but put me into a proper rehab program which would involve intense workouts twice a week. They were designed to strengthen the muscles in my legs so that I could start running again, and even play football again. So I submitted myself to those, and added extra workouts on the days inbetween to train the rest of my body. I changed my diet completely, smoked less, drank less (a person still needs their vices!), and became a dedicated fitness buff. I started training with Brian, but eventually had to train on my own, as he complained that my workouts were becoming too hard for him to keep up. The gym became my second form of therapy.

It took me about 9 months, but eventually I managed to drop over 60lbs. The physio was amazed at the progress I had made and signed me off with a big smile. My therapist was happy too - I had taken all the negatives in my life and used them as motivation. I was happier with myself and with life, and my confidence had returned. Socially, I was starting to get those looks from women again; Shirley began to pimp me out to her single friends with confidence, and even though I never progressed into a relationship with them, I did make some new friends, and was even able to have sex again, which was another personal achievement.

I did try and go back to see Camilla again, but when I called up Soft Body I found that the number was disconnected. I logged back into FBMF for the first time in months, and found out that the business had closed down 3 months ago. The other masseuses who worked there had moved onto other companies and taken their regulars with them, but Camilla had disappeared. Presumably she had saved up enough money to take the Asian holiday she always wanted. It was a shame - I wanted to see her again so that she could see what I had been able to achieve, and to show her the happier person that I had become. I still browse the forums from time in the hope that she will resurface and start working again; while I originally went for sexual release, the relationship I got from it was welcome and unexpected, and I harbour a tinge of regret and loss at the sudden ending of it.

Hopefully one day I can go back to my bad habit.