Being Holly

Okay like right off I want to make it clear it's Holly now and forever. Holt's fucking dead and I'm killing anything that's left.

And that's a damned good thing.

See Holt was an asshole, I...he...that person I was...I was raised by an asshole.

My dad and he wasn't a nice guy.

He was a jock, he was a mean jock raised by worse my grand dad.

Holt was part of this hypermasc cycle of evil. Grand dad was a boomer and the older side of it. Like y'know those old guys that think women are for blowjobs and breeding and that cops, military are never wrong, god is as important as conservative politics and being a racist asshole was just standing up for your skin.

Grand dad was 1950's come to fucking life.

And in his day he was a jock, right when that was worshipped as like...football and track he was a running back and scored medals and trophies since his junior high days into college, got his school and our name in the papers and when he got out did a trip in the army and Korea and coming home still cashed in on the fact everyone was building homes and buying cars.

Thompson Auto and Thompson Brick came out of that and my dad was raised in that. Steeped in sports leads to good things, being a man is...X and that's good, be a winner, a winner is all that matters.

Born rich or really well off, getting richer he followed grand dad's magic formula of winning, training, arrogance "confidence" and cashing in on it all.

Holt like the rest of my siblings followed it too.

Only Holt wasn't smart, not even close to his sibs and honestly lazy. Sports came easy basketball and track and winning was like second nature. So was being well off. Popularity in being a winner, being good looking, in having a family with money sent girls his way as early as thirteen.

Holt had trashy sixteen year olds lined up looking for cash or looking to get preggers because that'd be a payday.

That's true too in a way with Holt and the family getting the first paternity suit at fifteen. It turned out to be somebody else's but she did go for the gold. We found it out and it was enough to get grand dad and dad on women are bitches.

And Holt's treatment of women like shit went even deeper after that. Even as deep as language used and hitting them when he lost control. Free job, good car, popularity being an asshole when you're raised by them was as easy as breathing.

Being an angry asshole because you weren't smart like them was hard, when your sibs were smarter was hard. Holt could read a play happening before it was halfway started but reading a book was fucking hard, focusing on doing the work was hard when you never did actual work.

Getting berated for that sucked, getting made fun of by your siblings for doing it wrong or failing something sucked, getting yelled at and clipped up side of the head by dad sucked.

Holt was scared of stuff like books, reading, math...stuff didn't stick, and focus just never came. He survived high school by jockness and teachers literally just cutting him slack and well bullying.

People did stuff for you on threats of further violence.

Holt actually beat Jamie up over homework and projects and well just the fact he was a geek.

Stuff like D&D pissed him off...a geek game that just was books on books and dice and math just...pissed him off.

It, comics...all those things just...just were intimidating.

Tried reading comics, the action was cool and stuff but when you hear people talking about the same thing you read and it's glaringly obvies they got stuff you never would.

Rage by fear and just being not good enough...Holt lashed out to lash out as much as being bullied.

College was a shock, going from being on top and given a scholarship to go and finding out he wasn't the golden child, that he was just like most of the other jocks on the team was hard. The fact there were better players was galling, and college nerds didn't respond to bullying to do his courses.

So flunking out made Holt worse.

Going home meant a fuckton of shame and being the family moron made things just.

I hated being Holt, Holt hated being Holt and that was so deeply true I'm still like feeling shit bubbling up and out.

Karma came calling with Jamie and when this thing started I was trying, trying to turn over a new leaf with him and well the partying was fun and free.

Then that first night with the X-box and the videos and the hypnos.

I was so stoned, mellowed and yet I knew what this was.

Holt watched a lot of porn so there was always finding she male and tranny stuff and even watching things a little.

But I knew.

I'm not smart, not smart at all but there was some street smarts.

I knew.

And yeah part of me Holt was fucking pissed, pissed and upset and ready to beat the shit out of Jamie again.

Like twenty minutes of watching that I went back and forth and realized.

I literally had no one else.

No one.

Holt had destroyed his life to where there was nobody to love, no one that even liked him and that included Charlene the ex girlfriend who put up with his bullshit because rent was cheaper.

Okay this is how shitty I was. I was fucking Char and she was paying her shared of the rent which was three hundred a month utilities included. Only dad never ever charged me rent and that all went into my pocket while I guilted her for the good deal since it was a three bedroom big nice apartment into doing stuff and winning arguments.

I was an abuser even there.

And I knew it.

So somehow Holly before Holly won right then and there and I can remember.

What...if...I...stopped...being...me.

And I let go, went deeper.

The hormones and things were a surprise and so was how fast I dropped into it all.

Getting super emotional helped break me, break Holt when only being angry and arrogant had been allowed.

Those weeks that I had been away from Jamie or just like shutting down was me shutting down.

Self hate bubbled up, shit I did too...just running headlong into Holt in the mirror when the hypno was drawing me out, Holly out was fucking hell. It was hell because I hated myself so much.

And all the be calm, suck cock, be a girl, be happy was so far from everything inside me it was the biggest pain killer past any of the drugs I was doing or taking.

And even with everything Jamie did, everything that seemed so messed up...it was better than any bit of Holt.

And just...just that's worth dropping anything he did wrong bringing me out.

Like seriously.

Past that he's a nice guy, he doesn't smart shame me, I can cry with him, he holds me and yeah I love him. I fell in love full force and just...Be a girl, be happy.

I know people won't get it but last week, last week I moved out, got self outed by hard nipples on my starter titties by my dad.

Who lost his poop when he found out.

But the day I moved I did something.

Me...Holly...fought back, screamed back, didn't take dad's abuse.

Pink tee-shirt buttplug, cock caged and push up bra as sissied up as can be and I fought back.

Then Jamie and I came out to each other.

Being Holly isn't just like saving my life, it's saving what little soul I have left to me.

And it's getting better.

With everything out and in the open took things to a new level.

I'm going deeper.

And I love it, there's nothing held back as I watch my videos letting the messages sink in brainwashing me. The thing is I want this now, I want Holt gone.

I love waking up feeling this wonderful feeling as my clitty struggles with that morning stiffy against my cage and it just can't win, can't get further out just this painful hard little clitty which makes stuff react with my muscles inside me and makes me so, so fucking aware of my buttplug.

I moan some waking and those feeling play with my nightly MP-3 stuff and I roll over and love the plug making me feel just...I stroke Jamie hard and wake him up with me sucking and falling in love with his cock.

... Relax, Keep Watching, Be a Girl, Suck Cock, Be Happy, Be a girl, Be Happy, Lose Weight, Be Happy, Wear Panties, Be Happy, You're a Beta Male, Sucking Cock Makes You Happy, Relax, Be Happy, Keep Watching, Be Happy...

As I feel that cock in my mouth I get that, get happy, it just comes running through my brain as all these feeling hit me.

And as I suck and get better at sucking Jamie's cock I ride my cage into the sheets using that stiff clitty ow pain that feels so good and the buttplug pressing into my girly spot inside as I hump the sheets.

I make myself sissy.

I want that too, more than any other sexual release ever.

Because it's better, it's mine, it's Holly's.

Would anyone even get what it feels like to wake up, get girl laid and be happy, actually feel happy waking up? Having that start of your day everyday?

We kiss after that and he unlocks me to get clean and even before I do that I slip on my heels and panties and go downstairs.

The heels are my idea, get into the habit, get used to walking in them and going up and down stairs.

I get a pot of coffee on.

I love coffee now because Jamie loves coffee and before coffee was just coffee. I'm learning about Ethiopian, Kona, Jamaican Blue-Mountain coffee and I've learned about taking the beans out from the freezer and then nuking them to get the roast refreshed and then fresh grinding them and the real trick is the perk be filled with water first and going from grind to brewing as fast as possible.

And I'm fucking proud of that because I got it, right off from the start I got that.

That going I sway upstairs on my heels.

That's why I love my buttplug.

It feels good sure and it's training me too.

Not just training my bum for fun but there's no way not to walk funny, to sway with a buttplug inside you.

Jamie dozes a few extra minutes while I go get cleaned up...I use the bathroom and get cleaned inside until I'm satisfied, clean my cage and plug and then I take a shower and shampoo and fuck, fuck, fuck yes I love being smooth, smelling nice, I love, love love playing with my titties even as small as they are.

I'm so fucking horny when I come out of the shower and panties on slipping my heels back on and head back to Jamie and squat...squat because it's harder, better actually for my ass as I nurse him hard and then climb onto the bed.

It's part of our routine, him training me and I love it, love it, need it...as he lubes me it's almost horny relief as I sissy under his touch while lubing me slick then he fucks me sometimes slow, sometimes fast but always bareback now until he fill me with his hot cum which sends me off deeper over the edge and as I'm basking in the glow inside and the conditioned swirling happy I'm taken over again as Jamie uses this big dildo on me until I'm sissying and crying out and getting vocal.

Sometimes he'll fuck me again after that if he's really horny but usually it's a baby wipe if I spurted and then my cage again and my buttplug.

He kisses me long and slow and everything and we have this just sweet connecting moment then he goes to the basement to work out for a half an hour then comes back and kisses me and showers.

I grab the laundry and get it started and head downstairs after getting dressed and home right now that's my corset and getting it tight to make my waist the way it should be...nice corset, nice bra, garters, stocking all in all like two hundred bucks of sexy La Senza.

I love my undies, I love looking like this, I feel sexy and happy and just to be me and for the weather a nice sundress.

Again, again feeling pretty feels good, I like my life, I like how really, really Jamie is into me and I'm happy.

A little make-up then I sway out to get the paper and start breakfast.

We're both doing shakes and their different with protein powder, cashew milk, greek yogurt, banana those little ones that are really sweet and coconut milk. He gets granola with more little banana too with a few chunks of pineapple. I fry him two strips of bacon and whole grain toast with peanut butter.

It's early we get up early so we have time for sex and just time together.

Jamie takes his multivitamin and vitamin e and d and c tablets and his enzyte before eating and having his coffee.

I make myself my shake with soy milk, greek yogurt, vitamin powder Jamie makes with things like keratin all these things that are great for hair and skin plus there's powdered Kale and chia and all these other things and it's really green...I drink it because Holt wouldn't.

It is really, really veggie forward though.

I take my other stuff that doesn't mix well like my vitamin e and then my hormones.

I have granola too with almonds and walnuts and honey.

I love honey...Jamie knows that too and we have a couple of kinds. I like this african honey that goes with the walnuts.

We're still just getting things started, getting a routine but this, this has been the last week.

He reads the paper a bit, he likes the few local stories and the editorial but we talk.

Actually talking and about things we...WE...might want to do to or with the house.

It used to be his mom's place but it needs work, she didn't know how or could afford to do stuff.

And I agree with Jamie.

Hire professionals to do it.

Old me would have half assed it trying to fix stuff I only barely knew how to do on male pride alone.

Yeah as it turns out we're getting drywallers in and painters and he wants to fix my car.

"Fix the mustang?"

"It's a classic car Holly."

"It's Holt's car though, I have a lot of asshole moments stored up in there."

He looks at me. "You're not him, not anymore."

"Can't we sell it?"

"You sure?"

"Yeah please Jamie. I want it gone...I...Holt...he...sexually assaulted people in there I think...I'm pretty sure. Too many drunk girls...and then it's dad that bought it. I don't want to drive around his penis extension and we can use the money with the house."

Fuck...fuck, fuck old memories have my hands shake a little.

He nods. "Okay, okay...this stuff really gets to you?"

He gets up and comes over and pulls me up into his arms which is so fucking good.

I'm taller than him normally and I'm in heels but he doesn't care.

He still holds me.

Y'know one night I thought about that after he held me like this in bed.

Seventh grade...Dad...Mom...just outside of victory hugs or stuff from sex...I hadn't had just plain fucking simple care and comfort since then.

I shake, I shake and I cry.

It's the hormones yeah I can't brick up the hurts.

"I hate him! I hate him Jamie! I hate Holt...God I was such a bastard."

"Was babe, was you're not that person anymore."

I gasp sob. "I was...though it doesn't charge me doing all that evil shit Jamie...what I did...did to you?"

I sob and have a surprised sob as he picks me up and sets my butt on the kitchen table and moves him hands to my face and kisses me.

Passionately kisses me as I've got tears running down my face wrecking my make-up and keeps going until I start to feel better and kiss him back.

"Can I suck your cock before you go to work Jamie? Please? It'll help."

"Anything you want Holly."

I slide off the table and fall right into my sissy programming.

... Relax, Keep Watching, Be a Girl, Suck Cock, Be Happy, Be a girl, Be Happy, Lose Weight, Be Happy, Wear Panties, Be Happy, You're a Beta Male, Sucking Cock Makes You Happy, Relax, Be Happy, Keep Watching, Be Happy...

It's like taking an ativan.

I kiss him afterwards and he hugs me hard.

"Better?"

"Better, you always make me feel better Jamie."

We kiss again and he heads out to work.

I look at the clock and just leaving now he's fifteen minutes late for work.

He didn't say a word, he didn't get angry, he didn't make a fuss.

He stayed until I got me together again.

And cue the happy tears as I'm caught up in my hormones again.

After I got myself back to a happy normal, to level I wash my face and do the housework.

Get my MP-3 player and no, no messages just girly music, stuff if I was born Holly I might have grown up listening to both old and new things.

Juice Newton and Queen of Hearts is awesome, I'm also discovering Pink, Dido...I fucking love Dido to sing along to as I do stuff.

Be the girl, live it, relearn things, be happy right? Go deeper.

Music included.

Housecleaning.

That's a me thing, a Holly thing knowing where I was going I started picking up the habit of cleaning. Mom had housekeepers and I grew up in a clean place and Holt demanded it of his girlfriends.

And that's getting easier and I have all the toys with the Swiffer kit and a Dyson vacuum cleaner. And yeah it's easier when you keep on it dust then wipe things down and fast go overs with the polish which is lemon oil.

Thirty minutes a day really does keep you ahead of it.

I got out to weed the garden we put in and I'm still learning that. I take my heels off and my stockings and garden barefoot. I've never done this until these days but red painted toes in bare earth and the grass just...just is so feminine, so earth mother girl thing.

Several times I just stand in the breeze, soaking in the sunshine, the quiet, the smells and just be Holly.

Holly in her garden.

I'm so new to this but I like it...I had an idea. We got a composter and there's a box with his mom's old food processor and the weeds go in there and get mulched before added into the compost.

Jamie said it was a good idea, which made me feel pretty good.

I wash off my feet with the garden hose and sit and take the time to air dry and listen to music. Sing along to Adele until I can put my stockings back on.

Then I'd be done but I'm not.

More training.

More sissy training.

I go and get a drink but not booze. Green juice...it's boxed veggie stock actually with a lot, a lot of cilantro, fresh rosemary, a jalapeno pepper, more chia seeds and all these things that are good for me and good to detox with.

Jamie says detoxing is bullpoop but daily doses works better because it boosts function over time?

I go get changed out of my dress and head to the basement.

The best thing about being a jock then a sissy jock is getting back into working out.

Which I do in my lingerie.

Because I want to, being something is living something and my sexy slinky things are dear to me. They help me a lot, I love feeling sexy. I will be sexy, be thinner, smaller, sexy, happy.

Absolutely fucking never to get muscle, losing weight, losing loser doughy Holt but more than that it's about my ass, legs, my getting graceful.

I start with yoga watching a video to teach me how...that sometimes gets my caged clitty and plug making me feel all zingy.

Then I dump a basket full of socks on the floor and train in bending over, bending over like toe touches but legs together, working my butt as I train pick up in that sexy bent over girl way. I do that five times then real exercises.

Deep squats three sets of thirty, back leg lifts three sets of thirty, side leg lifts again three of thirty...while I'm on the floor I do hip thrusts...it's actually like a bridge move and kinda a reverse sit up pushing my pelvis up high and holding it until I feel the stretch and down...then crunches all three of thirty.

I stop and do fast, fast deep breathing...go until you sort of feel dizzy but chill after that and do it again.

I learned that online too, it builds up your inner core, those muscles to tone and it helps build your wind.

After five bouts of dizzy and after I recover I undo my corset stays but just so I can cinch it tighter

Then my drink and playing with my ball.

Not balls, but ball.

I saw this thing online where Chinese martial art girls use a small kids volleyball to build grace by rolling it over your hand and palm and do this almost like hand dancing and it's fun, calming and I'm hoping it helps.