Between Lives

"What is my next challenge?" I noticed that my clothes were now perfectly repaired, not even the blood stains nor the wetness of my earlier challenge remained. It was as if I had not endured that awful swim.

"This wall," she turned, "just as the chasm was filled with the blood that covers your hands, this wall is a testament of your sins. Each block represents a life you affected, each foothold within that wall is a life you affected positively; how stable that foothold is will depend on how much you helped that individual."

As I neared the wall, the size and magnitude of it took my breath, each brick was the size of an ossuary capable of easily holding the remains of a grown man. The coldness of the wall surprised me; it was almost icy to the touch, devoid of any life energy. As I ran my hands through the carefully constructed brick, I could not see any imperfections in the design, no flaws in its architecture. It was as if my hand was running down a large piece of glass that had been rubbed and shaped into a smooth surface. The wall itself appeared to be a single slab of rock, except for small areas that identified where one block began and another ended, the entire face was one continuous smooth surface. I don't think that even a piece of paper would manage to fit in the space between the blocks.

"It does not look too tall," I remarked.

"The wall will shift itself as you make your selection," she began, "wherever you decide to begin your climb, the wall will shift itself and grow as you move. I myself do not know how tall it will be, Daemon." She placed her hand on my shoulder, "no matter what I tell you, your mind is already made up. I could describe a wall that stood miles about the ground and yet you would try to climb it. So why do you hesitate?"

"What if I make it?" She looked at me in confusion for a second, before the contours of her face shifted into a smile.

"Your fear is something unexpected," she began, "while you could be worried about being unable to make the climb and falling, you instead worry about what is truly weighing on your soul. You are so worried that you don't belong in Paradiso, why?"

"I would taint it," I replied, with complete honesty. "Paradiso is a place filled with those deserving of peace through their actions and humility. Those in there are genuinely good people, free of the stench of death and blood in their hands. How could someone like me join those people? How could I, in my life and my choices, possibly compare to those that sacrificed so much to be accepted?"

"You have interesting fears, Daemon," she began, "I am completely certain that you are not lying as I can see into your thoughts and into the center of your being. I know you are not lying because I don't smell the stench of deceit from you. But this fear, it is completely irrational; you honestly believe you don't deserve to be in there." Her grey eyes had this pain behind them; it was almost as if her heart was breaking at the revelation. "You really are lost, child."

"It's not that," I replied, "well not that, I am afraid. Afraid of seeing the people that I put there, afraid that they would lose their place in search of just vengeance, but mostly I am afraid of what being in that place will take from me."

"What would that be?"

"Me." I turned from her gaze, it was as if her eyes were venturing deeper and deeper into me, I could not bear that look any longer. "I am afraid that I would lose myself, the few fragile things that make me who I am."

"Would that be such a bad thing?"

"I am not sure," I replied as I began to warm my arms and legs for the coming trial, "I know what I am in the world, I am a sometimes necessary evil. I bring death and violence wherever I go, I leave misery in my wake. But every religion that I have studied, every creed, every belief has some entity that does what I do. But I am no entity," I stopped to gather my thoughts as she looked at me with curiosity, she was amused at my quandary, "I am just one of many."

"No," she replied, "you are one of a kind. Truly, even if I were to compare you to your ancestors, even the few that made it this far, I can honestly say that you are one of a kind. Sure, there are similarities, you have the soft voice of your great grandfather, and the mannerisms of his great grandfather. Your self-doubts are unique to you," she paused as she gathered her own thoughts. "You are like a broken toy that was hastily put together using various pieces from other toys. The parts get the job done, sure, but they didn't belong to you. But you've carried on with them for so long, that now it would be impossible to see you without them."

"Well," I replied in reaction to her own doubt, "time to get over this wall."

"Cynicism," she mused to herself, "it's an enduring family trait." With those departing words, she vanished like a smoke trail, leaving me alone to find the best path upward. "I know there is a place for you in Paradiso, Daemon, a place where you can finally find that peace that has eluded you for all these years. Go through those gates, child, and never return to this place."

"Am I such bad company?"

"You deserve better than this," the voice had turned into a whispered, carried to my ears by the small breeze in the air. "Do not carry a burden that is not yours to bear, you carry enough weight on your soul, and one day it will crush you."

As I looked at the smooth surface, I wondered if the lack of hand and footholds was a clue that perhaps I would not be able to climb, however as I reached upward a protrusion tore its way from the wall. Firmly, I used it to pull me from the ground and as I moved to place my feet in the empty space, another protrusion filled the space. "Use the strength of your legs to carry you upwards," another voice from my past resonated in my head. This one from my previous training in mountaineering as my outfit prepared for an incursion into the mountains of Afghanistan. "Never keep your arms over your head," the voice drilled into my brain, "this makes it harder for blood to be pumped into those pathetic excuses for muscles in your arms. If no blood is rushing in, you'll start to shake."

I followed those silent instructions, taking small rests between footholds, always keeping three points of contact with the rock face. Carefully selecting a route was not entirely necessary as the hand and footholds would peek out whenever my hand and foot moved. She was right when she said that the wall would continue, I had been working at a good pace for what felt like hours with no end to the wall in sight. I thought I was alone in this climb when a voice snapped me out of my own thoughts.

"Hi," a small female greeted me as she hung from one of the larger handholds in the wall just to my right. She seemed to be around 9 years old, brown hair that was neatly arranged in a ponytail, and a cheerful attitude that was a sharp contrast to what I had felt so far.

"Hi," I replied, curious of the child, "what are you doing in a place like this, little one?"

"Oh," she replied, "I've been here for a long time. I like to climb," she continued, "but this is not my wall so I can't reach the top."

"Then why do you continue climbing it?" I used the time to rest as well, "if you can't reach the top?"

"Because it's fun," she repeated, a small gesture of annoyance registered in her face, "weren't you listening?"

"I forgot," I replied, "I'm sorry. Why are you here all alone? Don't you have parents?"

"Yeah," she replied, "but they made it over the wall."

"Did you not go with them?"

"I was with my dad but then I fell off him," she began, tears filling her eyes, "and when I tried to catch up, him and mommy, they were gone. So I have been climbing up trying to get over."

"Why did you fall off him?"

"He was saying that I was very heavy," she said, the cheerfulness returning to her voice, "so I climbed off for a little bit and when I did I couldn't hold on."

"Well, little lady," I replied, "wanna see if we can get over this wall?"

"I'm too heavy," she replied, a small crimson shade colored her face, "I don't want you falling down, mister."

"You let me worry about that, ok?" I extended my hand to help her climb on my back, "besides I could use a pretty girl's cheers as I climb." She easily climbed onto my back, while she was heavier than first appearance would dictate, I quickly became comfortable. "You don't weight that much," I teased her, "no more than a rucksack, and I've carried plenty of those."

"You are a soldier?" She replied, joy in her voice.

"I was," I replied, "a long time ago." I continued the climb at the same pace that I had established, her weight did not make much difference to me. As she gave me encouraging words, I made jokes to make her laugh and smile. Before I knew it she began wriggling about my back.

"I see it!" She was excited, "I see the top!"

"Good," I replied, "see? I told you that you weren't that heavy." My hand reached the top of the wall and I quickly shifted my weight over in order to take a seat over the wall. The sight that stretched before me was magnificent, almost beyond words. Carefully, I allowed her to take a seat beside me as we looked on, there was a large gate that stretched just beyond the distance for two large doors to cover. Beyond that, large grasslands covered the ground; the sound of water filled my ears. This was a drastic departure from the earlier scenery, where as I had only experienced a barren wasteland, this was filled with life.

"Can we climb down?" She asked, her eyes fixated on the meadows just beyond the gates.

"Sure," I replied, holding her hand once again while she climbed onto my back, "this should be easier." Just then I looked to the ground to see that it stood at a distance that I could easily withstand by jumping. "Can you see the ground?"

"Yes," she replied, "but I am afraid. It seems so far away."

"Well," I replied, "hang on tight, pretty girl. Just in case." I felt her arms tighten around my neck, a sharp inhale of breath. It took less than a second for my feet to hit the ground, and a second more before she realized that we were not falling anymore. "You can open your eyes now," I said as I maneuvered her from my back and onto my arms. "We are here."

"Wow," she replied as her feet touched the ground, she immediately ran around the grassy area, enjoying the smell of grass and the sound of the critters jumping around her. Her giggling brought a smile to my face as I moved about towards the gate.

"Come on, little one," I said, "we still gotta find your parents." She took my hand as we made our way to the gate, where a man stood behind a podium of sorts. As we neared, he straightened his back and looked inside a large book.

"I was expecting only one," he said as a matter of introduction, "yet here are two."

"Little lady's folks went on ahead of her is all,' I replied as her hand wrapped itself on mine, "nothing to it. But I may be the one you are expecting."

"The door will only open for one," he replied, "but yes, you are expected, Daemon."

"Why did he call you that?" She asked. "Is that really your name?"

"That's what I'm called," I replied, "but my friends just call me D." I looked at the man behind the podium, "like I said, this little lady is just overdue, I am sure that there is a way for you to make it right."

"I am sorry," he replied in a monotone voice, as if he was looking down his nose at us. "But the door will only open for one, and as I said, you are expected."

"What does that mean?" She asked, fear in her voice.

"It just means that he's gonna have to try harder," I replied, my gaze burning into him. "Because there is no way that such a pretty girl is going to stay out here in the cold."

"I truly am sorry, young lady," he replied, "but if you were left behind, there is nothing I can do for you. Your parents must've been told that if they went ahead, you would lose your spot." He looked around as two large creatures materialized, both were twins of a kind. They stood tall, their skin pale with an icy undertone, their steely blue eyes locked in on the young girl. Their movement was one of trained warriors, each simple move carefully thought out for both effect and efficiency.

"If you want to keep your babysitters around," I said, "I'd tell them to stand down." The twins froze in place and looked back for further instructions; clearly they were not used to being spoken to in such a manner.

"I apologize, sir," he responded, "but if she has been left behind, she cannot be allowed in." He nervously looked at the twins, "you must understand, it is policy."

"I was told that beyond these gates is heaven," I asked, "was I lied to?'

"No," he replied.

"I was also told that if I had failed to arrive here," I pointed at the gate, "that I would fall and never rise again. Was that a lie?"

"It was not the complete truth," he meekly replied, "you would be placed in an area where your soul would find no rest. Constant violence would haunt you, and every second would be spent merely trying to stay alive. But if you would fail, and be killed, your soul would regenerate the following day only to go through it again and again. For as long as time flows."

"So if I understand this correctly," I replied, "the door to heaven will only open for one. The one that remains out here will be plunged into an area of eternal pain and suffering, how am I doing so far, Chief?"

"You are correct."

"Well, little lady," I took a knee and faced my companion, "I guess this is where we go our separate ways." I pulled her into me and hugged her tightly; I could feel the moisture of her tears staining my face. "You be good, and stay next to your daddy, now." She pulled back in surprise, her mouth open as she absorbed the information.

"But, but..." her tears prevented her from saying more.

"Such a pretty girl like you is only going to make heaven that much of a better place," I replied, "besides, I could use a good fight to keep me entertained." I looked at the twins, "your escorts are ready, little lady. They'll take good care of you."

"But why did you carry me all the way here when you could have just left me?" She held on to my arm, "why are you letting me go ahead and take your place?"

"I don't deserve to be in there," I replied.

"But you do," she cried out, "you have been so nice to me."

"But not to everyone, little lady. I am not a man of peace, and I don't think I could live in peace even if I could reach it," I turned the girl and had her face the gates, "but you don't have to know that life. One filled with chaos and violence, much like my life has always been. You have a family there, a mom and a dad that are probably waiting for you. Go to them, and promise me to be a good person if you ever come back."

"I promise," she tried to silence her tears, "and I promise that if I do make it back, I will look for you."

"I promise then," I replied, "that I will make it easy to find me. Go on now, girl, its never a good idea to keep them waiting." The twins took her hands and walked her through the gate, as I turned and faced the man that had been standing in the podium, he could not hold my gaze.

"Never in my years," he replied, "have I ever seen such sacrifice. Its even more of a surprise that it comes from someone with such a moniker as yours." He closed the large leather bound book that had been resting in the podium, "are you ready?"

"I could use a smoke," I replied, "care to give a condemned man one last wish?" He snapped his fingers and a pack of cigarettes and a lighter appeared in my hands.

"If you would follow these gentlemen," he reopened his book as four large shadowy figures surrounded me, their essence was dark and a putrid smell emanated from them. "For what its worth, you have led an extraordinary life, Daemon. It is a shame you will not be joining us beyond the gate."

"It's like I said, that place is not made for someone like me." We moved away from the gate and toward the east, the skies became darker as we walked, almost as if a gathering storm was getting ready to unleash its own form of violence on what had been described as a violent land. We walked in silence for a long time, the only sounds heard in the distance were coming from my own footsteps. "Come on, boys, do try to keep it down, we don't wanna disturb the disturbed, do we?"

"I can't wait for that mouth of yours to start begging for mercy," one of the shadows said.

"Eventually, they all do," said another shadow.

"It just takes peeling the right layer of skin off," a third creature said.

"The fun part is, finding the right layer." The last creature finished and they all shared a laugh.

"Is that right?" I replied, "I wonder what it will take to get your kind to beg." Their laughter stopped.

"We are not simply a name," one of the creatures replied, "what you call yourself is what we are."

"Maybe a treat?" I continued my earlier comment, "or a nice scratch behind the ear, yeah?" I patted my leg and began to whistle, "is that what you want, boy? Yeah? A nice scratch behind the ear?" I was facing one of the creatures, the stench that I could only describe as burning sewage filled my mouth so that I could taste it. My eyes watered at the acidity of the stench, saliva quickly accumulated to help wash off the taste.

"Taking your soul will be a great pleasure," one of the creatures said, "tearing it apart will be a great joy in itself."

"Don't threaten me with a good time, big boy," I replied, "and its like they say, no better time than the present." I stopped moving and waited for my escorts to turn to attack, however their hesitation helped me understand my situation better. "Empty threats," I said, "so who wants me whole so badly that they would send you?"

"Erra," one of the being responded, "wishes to meet his worldly equal."

"Erra," another responded, "has a proposition for you."

"And if you decline," the third one continued.

"You become ours," the last one ended.

"Sounds like a party," I replied, the cynicism in my voice dripping with increasing anger at these shadows, "and it sounds like you are going to be one disappointed puppy." We continued our walk in silence, again my footsteps were the only thing keeping the absolute stillness of the air from becoming overwhelming. As the silence was beginning to bother me, before us stood a large structure that seemed to be made of the same substance as my reluctant escorts.

While I understand that trying to describe the structure itself in a human language would fall incredibly short to the reality of it, I feel compelled by some morbid desire to try. This structure stood almost like an inverted castle, four large cylindrical structures that resembled towers held up the main part of the edifice like arms protruding from the ground. Together, the towers formed the shape of a parallelogram, with the shorter sides making a more drastic angle. In the center of this bottom structure was a smaller construction that fell just short from touching the ground, with a door that looked like a mouth ready to devour any intruders. As we walked beneath the giants holding up the edifice, I could feel the air thickening about me, as if the building itself was breathing hard. The heat of each respiration crawled on my skin like a disease ready to consume the very flesh off my body.

As we neared the mouth of the beast, I could see a set of stairs climbing upwards in a spiral, each step further added to the mouth's vision as each step appeared to be a single tooth. The spiral gave the wide mouth a look as if it were grinning at those foolish enough to get this close to it. The shadows stopped their movement, instead each of them moved to surround the smaller building, much like they had surrounded me as we had made our way to this very place. Their lingering silence made it perfectly clear that this was the place of their leader, and I was to go on alone.