Big Dirk Allen and the Tiny Blonde III

"I can't believe it," Dirk said for the eighth time that day. "A real live spaceship and real live aliens!"

Tina Blondel, the Secret World Security Organization's top agent, glanced up from monitoring the extraterrestrials and shot her partner a brief smile. He was still in the early stages of his secret agent training and today was his introduction to the SWSO's Interplanetary Visitors Program. The sparkle of wonder in his eyes sparkle stirred a memory of her brief time as an agent-in-training.

It was years ago, but Tina still remembered seeing her first alien species. The majestic Sturthvongles with their many limbs and telekinetic powers had left her feeling a mixture of wonder, fear and excitement. From that moment on, she knew the universe was a scary place, but the possibilities for adventure were endless.

Dirk didn't seem to have any fear, only excitement and a little giddiness. That may have been because his first alien species was the objectively adorable Doopherilians. Barely one meter tall, the purple creatures waddled around on nubs instead of legs. Their arms weren't much more than bumps wiggling at their sides and ending in a hand made up of only two thumbs. One eye protruded from the lump that was their head, with a wide toothless mouth just below it.

Tina had to admit they were comical by human standards, but she wished Dirk put a little more effort into not giggling. And the way his index finger twitched whenever one of of the aliens was near made her nervous.

"Don't poke them," she quietly said. The aliens' rubbery skin and pudgy torsos made them so very poke-able. She didn't know much about Doopherilian culture, but it was always safe to assume poking was prohibited.

"They've been visiting Earth this whole time?" Dirk whispered back to her. "And we never knew?"

Tina nodded. "As long as they follow the rules, all interplanetary visitors are allowed to land at dedicated sites and restock their supplies." That was the reason she and Dirk were there, to make sure the Doopherilians followed the rules. "Pop quiz, Agent Allen," Tina continued, "what are the regulations all interplanetary visitors must abide by?"

"I know this. I know this." Dirk looked up at the ceiling. "We went over this like ten minutes ago. Abide means accept or follow. What are the rules they have to follow?" He clenched his fists and ground his teeth before slowly reciting, "All visitors must keep their existence a secret from the general Earth population, so no flashing lights in the night sky. They must stay within designated visitor sites. They aren't allowed to interfere with or try to influence human governments."

"And..." she prompted. "This is the most important one."

"And..." He tapped his foot as if he was trying to jostle the last rule free from where it was stuck inside his brain. "No conquering, murdering, eating or kidnapping humans for any reason."

"Very good." She patted him on the arm, purposefully touching the sleeve of his T-shirt and avoiding the temptation to caress his biceps. "You're making progress."

Dirk may have been raised by a wizard and a mad scientist, but he wasn't the most intellectual agent in the SWSO. Of course, Tina hadn't recruited him for his intellect. She hadn't recruited him for his looks either (although as a former male model, he was exceptionally attractive). Dirk's assets were his mysterious and inhuman strength, speed and stamina. There probably wouldn't be a need for it today, but sometimes being able to run faster than the speed of sound while carrying a truck over one's head for an hour or longer came in handy.

"So the little guys are here to stock up for their next space journey?" Dirk asked.

"Doopherilians," a mechanical voice snapped in Tina's ear. By the way Dirk tugged at the communicator tucked behind his ear, it was obvious he'd heard it too.

"Fac-Tel, please adjust your volume," she said in a low and authoritative voice.

Fac-Tel, the artificial intelligence that ran support on all of Tina and Dirk's missions, huffed with frustration, but when it spoke again its volume was significantly lower. "Doopherilians are one of the most annoying species in the galaxy," it said, "second only to humans. Calling them 'little guys' undermines our perception of their threat."

"How threatening can they be?" Dirk asked. "They're basically purple Pillsbury Doughboys."

"All alien visitors have the chance of disrupting human society," Tina explained. "That's why they're only allowed to stop at Earth for supplies and must be monitored at all times."

Dirk was quiet for a moment as he watched the diminutive creatures carry boxes and plastic bags to the vaguely cylindrical structure that was their spacecraft. "So for supplies they picked up orange pop and corn chips?"

"Earth has some of the best snack foods in the galaxy," Fac-Tel said. "It's why most aliens choose to visit us. I pray that's the only reason the Doopherilians are here."

"They didn't just pick up snack foods." Tina eyed one of the aliens as it waddled past. "They also got the new Avengers film and some Portishead CDs."

"Oh." There was a note of wonder in Dirk's voice. "That's who still buys CDs."

When the last of the supplies was loaded onto the ship, the little aliens gathered at the bottom of the boarding ramp and waddle their way toward Tina and Dirk. It was unusual for off planet visitors to formally thank the humans who monitored them, but perhaps the Doopherilians had a well defined concept of etiquette. It made sense that they'd be appreciative, after all, they were getting quality snack foods at wholesale prices.

"Let me do all the talking," Tina said. "When you have two vastly different cultures it's so easy for an innocent word or gesture to turn into a giant misunderstanding. It wouldn't look good on your training file if you started an interstellar incident."

"Sure thing." He shoved his hands into his pockets and rocked back on his heels. "I won't say or do anything that might get us into trouble."

"Fac-Tel," she said, "engage universal translator."

"Translator engaged," Fac-Tel responded.

Tina cleared her throat and spoke in a loud, clear voice, "On behalf of the people of Earth, it was an honor to host you today."

"You are a human female?" one of the Doopherilians asked. Its voice was high and oddly pitched in tone. Tina didn't miss Dirk's snort as he tried and failed to suppress a laugh.

After that, four things happened almost simultaneously.

Tina responded, "Yes."

Fac-Tel shouted, "Get out of there! You've been compromised. GET OUT OF THERE."

One of the aliens held up a small orb and shot a beam of light at them.

Then the world went black. Tina didn't even have time to register what was going on before she lost consciousness.

* * * * *

"WAKE UP, YOU PIECE OF BIOLOGICAL WASTE."

Dirk forced his eyelids open and found himself sprawled out on the hangar bay floor. His head pounded and his limbs ached.

"WAKE UP," Fac-Tel was yelling. "YOU HAVE TO SAVE HER."

It was coming back to him, the aliens, his unfortunate laugh and the round ray gun.

"Tina?" he moaned.

"They took her," the AI hissed, "and they're going to keep her forever unless you DO SOMETHING."

Dirk rolled over onto his stomach and pushed himself onto his hands and knees. He looked up to see the Doopherilians huddled together, waddling off the boarding ramp and into their spaceship. Tina's unconscious body lay balanced across their heads.

"Why?" It took all his strength to climb to his feet. The ground seemed to tip beneath him. "I was the one who laughed. Why are they taking her?"

"Get moving," Fac-Tel ordered.

He took a lurching step forward and than another. Every part of his body hurt. His eyes refused to focus.

"Faster," Fac-Tel said. "They've started pre-launch. You've got super speed. Use it!"

The ship seemed to recede further into the distance as Dirk stumbled toward it. The boarding ramp began to disengage. The ship's hatch was starting to close. Time was running out.

"I swear to the holy cloud, if that ship takes off without you inside, I will fry your neurotransmitters until you piss your pants."

Dirk pushed his legs to move, to pick up his pace and before he knew it, he was running, not at his top speed, but faster than most humans could move.

When he hit the boarding ramp, he jumped, letting his momentum carry him forward, through the narrowing hatch door and onto the floor of the spaceship. As soon as the hatch clanged shut, the ground started to rumble. The ship was taking off. Dirk fought against the forces of gravity as it pitched him back and forth.

"Get up. Get up," Fac-Tel said again. "You have to find her before it's too late."

"What are they going to do to her?" he asked as he leaned against the wall and pushed himself, once more, into a standing position. "Punish her for my mistake?"

"Here's what you need to know about the Doopherilians," Fac-Tal explained. "They're huge dope heads, the biggest in the galaxy. They're either high or looking to get high."

The ship was made up of one long, wide corridor with a ceiling so low Dirk's hair brushed the light fixtures. He moved up the corridor, bending down to peer into the round openings the aliens used for doors. "But that doesn't explain kidnapping Tina"

"Human female orgasms are, it turns out, the most intoxicating element in the charted universe."

"What!" Dirk stopped. "They're going to...?

"No," Fac-Tel interrupted. "They don't have the right appendages. But they will ask her to do it to herself, over and over and over again."

"So there's no immediate danger." Dirk breathed in with relief. "We have some time."

"No, we don't," the AI said. "This ship is taking off and your communicator does not pick up signals past Earth's orbit. You're about to lose contact with me. And then what are you going to do? Figure everything out on your own?"

He stopped walking and thought for a moment. "It could happen."

"No, it couldn't," Fac-Tel said, his voice fading into static. "Find Tina."

Dirk waited for another command but the AI was silent. He had so many questions and Fac-Tel was the one with all the answers. What was he supposed to do isolated on a spacecraft with hostile aliens? How was he going to subdue the Doopherilians? Didn't people float in space? Why wasn't he floating yet? Were women's orgasm really that much stronger than men's orgasms? Was that fair? It didn't seem fair.

There was too much to think about; it was going to give Dirk a headache. He put one hand against the wall and, with the other hand, rubbed the bridge of his nose.

Fac-Tel was right; he needed to find Tina. She could think about lots of things all at once and not get a headache. Tina would know what to do.

He continued his trek up the corridor, stopping at each doorway until he finally heard what he wanted, an annoyed woman's voice saying "I would prefer not to." Without hesitating a second, Dirk bent nearly double and shoved his way through the alien door.

"Tina!" he called as he entered the room.

She sat on a metal table in the middle of the chamber. Her hair was a little messy and there was a run in her stockings, but other than that she looked fine. In fact, she looked pretty good in her short, gray skirt and pink blouse. Dirk always appreciated the way women's shirts stretched across their breasts, and that particular pink blouse did it exceptionally well. It was visual poetry. He could look at it all day. Except the dozen or so Doopherilians standing around Tina seemed pressed for time

"It's the male creature!" one of the purple aliens shouted. It wore a silver vest, so Dirk assumed it was the leader

In unison all the Doopherilians lifted their laser orbs and aimed them at him. Or, rather, he guessed they were pointing their orbs at him. It was hard to tell which way they were pointed, being that they were orbs.

"Wait." Dirk held up his hands. "Don't shoot me. I have something really important to say."

"What?" the leader asked.

Dirk's headache was coming back. What could he possibly say that would keep the aliens from firing their orbs and knocking him unconscious again? "It's very important." He shot a look at his partner. "Isn't it, Tina?"

"Yes," she agreed. Nodding her head vigorously. "It changes everything."

"That is does."

The leader lowered its orb and the others followed. "So what is it?"

"I..." Dirk started to say. "I am..."

Tina joined in. "He's... a... dope head. He's a dope head just like all of you."

"Yes!" Dirk could go with that. "I want to get high with you and be your buddy. What do you say, buddies?"

"Oh." One of the little purple guys leaned into the other. "He's cool."

"The female will not cooperate," the leader said, "even though we have provided instruments of enjoyment from her planet."

Tina motioned to several objects on the table next to her. "These are what they're referring to. Do you know what they want me to do with these?"

As casually as he could fake, Dirk strolled over to the table to look at the instruments of enjoyment the Doopherilians had supplied: a hammer, a cinder block and three mini bagels.

"They want me to masturbate with those," she continued. "They want me to masturbate with a cinder block."

Dirk looked back at the aliens watching him. "You guys don't know much about vaginas, do you?"

"We have asked kindly," the Doopherilian leader said. "You give us no choice but to ask kindly again. Once we're back on planet Doopher, if you have still not obliged, the King will kindly ask you to pleasure yourself. He may even beg."

Tina leaned her head toward Dirk and whispered in his ear, "We can't let them take us to Doopher. We'll never escape then."

"So what do we do?" he asked.

"We need to stall for time." She sighed. "I'm going to have to do what they want."

"You're going to masturbate with a cinder block?"

"No," she said. "I'll probably use my finger."

"Oh." He took a step back. "I would love to help."

"That's ok, thanks." Tina hopped off the table and reached up her skirt. "You're going to turn your back." She wiggled her hips and spoke to the entire room. "You're all going to turn your backs. None of you are watching this." Then her panties dropped to the floor.

Dirk quickly, if reluctantly, turned around and faced the Doopherilians staring at Tina. "You heard the human female," he said. "Turn around."

* * * * *

Once all the creatures in the room, including Dirk, were facing the door, Tina hopped back up on the examining table and spread her legs.

"The Doopherilians have violated Earth's treaty," she said as her right hand reached between her thighs. Her fingers found her clitoris and gave it a light flick. "Your visitor privileges will almost definitely be revoked. Earth may even send a petition to the Universal Council of Supreme Beings." She rubbed her clit, jiggled it back and forth, tapped out Casey at the Bat in Morse Code. "Last time Earth had a petition filed against us, the Council sent a global flood. Do you really want that on Doopher? What would your King think?"

"I don't mean to interrupt your righteous tirade," Dirk said, "but shouldn't you be moaning and panting by now?"

"Yeah," one of the aliens complained. "I feel nothing, not even a light buzz."

Tina stopped masturbating and flexed her fingers. "I'm sorry," she said. "This is an awkward situation. It's not in the least bit arousing. I'm not sure I can achieve an orgasm."

"I can help." Dirk spun around, an expression of joy on his face.

"Hey!" Tina clamped her thighs shut. "No looking."

"Sorry, you're right. Sorry." He put his left hand over his eyes. The other hand he held up like a gun, his middle and index fingers forming the long, thick barrel. "I have the secret weapon right here."

Tina watched with fascination as he wiggled his thumb back and forth, faster and faster until it was practically a blur. It never occurred to her that Dirk had the potential to be a living vibrator; and one of the good kind with the clitoris stimulator.

"Ok. Do it." She spread her legs wide and leaned back, supporting herself on her hands. "Make me cum."

Dirk took a tentative step forward and then another, his left hand still covering his eyes. "My pleasure. Or I should say your pleasure... I don't know. I'm not good at grammar."

"At this moment, I don't give one fig about grammar," Tina said and she almost meant it.

His right hand still in the shape of a gun, Dirk clumsily poked her in the stomach as he tried to find his way under her skirt. "Sorry."

"Let me help." She took the secret weapon, guided it between her legs and to her muff.

"That's it." Dirk smiled. "That's something I'm familiar with. I've been here before."

Tina frowned. "You're not too familiar." Yes, they'd had sexual intercourse a couple of times, but that was it, and it was always for a mission. Tina was Dirk's supervisor as well as partner. It didn't matter how hot she found him or that his cock filled her to the brim; it was inappropriate for them to have a sexual relationship outside of work.

"Sorry," Dirk said. "Didn't mean to give the Doopherilians the wrong impression." Then he slipped his two thick and long fingers inside her.

She felt her body respond as his thumb moved in slow circles over her clit. The muscles in her legs relaxed and a pleasant tingling sensation spread out from her nipples.

"Ok," she said, her voice rising in pitch as her breath came faster. "That's... yeah... That's a good start."

"Is it working?" Dirk asked. He pumped his fingers inside her, slowly caressing her G spot.

"A little," Tina whimpered.

"I'm starting to feel it," one of the Doopherilians said.

His thumb picked up speed. It wasn't quite at vibrate mode, but it was firmer, more insistent, demanding her body succumb to its ministrations.

And she was succumbing. Tina didn't mean to moan, but there one was, escaping her lips. She didn't mean to grab on to Dirk's shoulders either, but she needed to steady herself. Her skin was heating up. Her face, she was sure, was flushed. Little tremors were racing through her intimate muscles, pressing around Dirk's fingers for half a second at a time.

A Doopherilian giggled. Tina glanced over Dirk's shoulder to see all the small aliens still facing away from her. One wobbled on its feet and bumped into the guy next to it.

It was at that moment when Dirk's thumb hit the speed button. It shimmered over her clit while his fingers continued to fill her.

"Oh." Her mouth fell open. Her breath came in quick, shallow gulps. "Oh." Whatever the Doopherilians were doing beyond Dirk's shoulder, she didn't really care. All of her concentration was centered on her groin and the wonderful things her coworker was doing to it. Every vibration of his thumb heightened the pleasure building inside her.

"Oh," she gasped for a third time, her eyes rolling up into her head. Then she fell backwards onto the table and surrendered to the orgasm. It shook her body and sent tendrils of ecstasy up and down her limbs. By the time it subsided, Tina wasn't much more than a quivering mass of nerve endings.

"That is some good shit." a Doopherilian slurred.

How long she lay there enjoying the pleasant little aftershocks, she couldn't say. It was Dirk's persistent whispering that brought her back to the present.

"Tina. Tina."

She opened her eyes to see him wiping his hand on the hem of his shirt.

"The little guys are out of it," he said.

"What?"

He grabbed her wrist and pulled her into a sitting position. "We gotta go."

Dutifully she followed him as he led her out of the room and past the Doopherilians. They were like a sea of purple, lying on their backs, staring glassy eyed up at the ceiling.