Billie - Scarred for Life Ep. 01

But when Jim's fingers and lips wandered down from her neck and boobs over Billie's body, she pushed him quickly beyond her tummy and straight to her mound and between her legs. Jim assumed that the wound was still painful and not yet fully healed inside. Yes, it was true that Billie had pain inside, but not all of it was physical.

And then, when they did try sex for the first time, it hurt. It hurt a lot. This pain was physical. Jim was as slow and gentle as he could be, but the pain was just too much for Billie. "No, it hurts too much," she said. "We'll just have to give it a bit more time."

Jim was lovingly patient and sympathetic. "Don't worry sweetheart, it'll come good eventually. We'll just take it one step at a time until everything's back to normal."

Billie was wondering if everything ever would come back to normal.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Jana

As the weeks and months rolled on, Billie started to feel as though she was gaining a little more control of her life. She had enrolled Sarah in morning pre-school shortly after Jon was born, which gave Billie two important things: She had a few daytime hours during the week to focus solely on baby Jon and his needs; and she expanded her circle of friends to include other parents with children at the pre-school.

The group of women who gathered outside the gate after delivering their children to pre-school were mostly of similar age and interests to Billie. A couple were old friendships going back to her school days but others were women she hadn't met before. She forged a close bond with one mother in particular, Jana, who was a few years older than Billie and whose son Jason had become Sarah's very best friend. Somewhat like Billie with Sarah, Jana had a difficult time going through her pregnancy and birthing, but unlike Billie she had firmly told her husband that Jason would be an only child.

Jana impressed Billie as something of a strong-willed free spirit, much as Billie had been herself when she was single. The comparison with Jana showed her how much marriage and motherhood had changed her. She had settled and, despite the problems with the baby's birth and the business pressures that limited the time her husband could spend with her, she was mostly content with her lot. Motherhood was a great joy and the pleasure it gave her outweighed just about everything else in her life.

She wondered how it was that marriage and motherhood hadn't affected Jana in the same way. Maybe it had something to do with being migrants? Jana and her husband Roman had married young in Czechoslovakia and then migrated, leaving family and friends to escape the restrictive society and forge a new life in Australia. They had settled in quickly and done well, with Roman now having his own electronics equipment design and maintenance business. Jana helped with the running of the business, which enabled her to be a stay-at-home mum like Billie.

"I had my tubes tied after Jason, and Roman had the snip," Jana said one day when they were discussing her preference for having only one child and comparing that with Billie's disappointment about being unable to have more.

"That's going a bit overboard isn't it?" said Billie. "If you've had the tubes done, surely that's enough?"

"Better sure than sorry," Jana replied. "We don't want him getting anybody else pregnant either."

Billie thought it best to not explore this topic any further.

A few weeks later, Jana had a suggestion. "Did you see the ad in the local paper for kids' swimming lessons down at the council pool?" she asked. "I'm going to enrol Jason, and I thought it would be a good idea if you enrolled Sarah and we could go together."

They drove to the council chambers and booked midweek lessons for the children. They were told that each of the six weekly lessons lasted an hour and the parents were expected to get into the pool to help and to give the little ones confidence. Jana said "That's good, one of us can keep an eye on Jon while the other is in with Jason and Sarah. If we need to we can take it in turns."

The next Wednesday at the pool, they changed into their swimsuits and took the children to the poolside. Jon, fortunately, had chosen this time for an afternoon nap so Billie was able to leave him sleeping in his capsule while the instructor explained to the seven mothers and one father and their children how the lessons were to be conducted. The session went well, with neither Sarah nor Jason showing any fear of the pool, and both happily following instructions when the instructor told them to put their faces into the water and blow bubbles. It was a happy time for all.

Billie noticed Jana quite openly casting an eye over the male instructor and especially over the one male parent in the group. 'I wonder,' she thought. 'How far would Jana go? She's the most uninhibited married woman I've ever met. I just hope she doesn't do anything too obvious while we've got all the mums and kids here.'

The next week after they had changed into their swimsuits, Jana said "Gee, girl. You really got your pre-baby body back quickly. It took me well over a year after Jason, and already you're in a lot better shape than I am. Why don't you wear a two-piece and show a bit more skin? There's a couple of men out there who I'm sure would appreciate it."

Jana's bikini this week was briefer than the more modest two-piece she wore last week. Billie was quite sure the two men would notice, and would "appreciate" Jana, just as men and boys used to notice her, really notice and appreciate her, back in her single days when she would parade about the beach in a skimpy cossie.

"No, no, no. I just feel much more comfortable in a one-piece. This one's my favourite."

Billie turned away to slip on her robe and to pick up Jon in his capsule. Jana, realising that she was treading in sensitive territory, decided that now was not the time to take this conversation further and so she busied herself getting Jason and Sarah ready for their lesson.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

The Scar

"There's something worrying Billie," Jana said to Roman at home that evening. "She's the prettiest of any of the women at the pool, and she's definitely got the best figure. She's a real chickibabe, but she's so shy about showing herself. She tries to stay in the pool as much as she can, and when she gets out to look after the baby she always covers herself with a beach robe. I wish I knew what's behind it."

"You've become close friends, haven't you?" Roman replied. "Maybe some day soon you should invite her and her husband over, I'd like to meet them."

"I haven't met Jim yet," said Jana. Billie and I often go for a cup of coffee after we drop the kids at preschool, and I really like her a lot. But yes, it would be interesting to meet Jim and get to know both of them a bit more."

At night in bed Jim and Billie had, as Jim suggested "taken it one step at a time" and it did "come good eventually." Indeed, it didn't take long at all before the pain was gone and they were able to have quite pleasurable sex. But Billie still did everything she could to keep Jim's wandering hands away from her tummy and the long vertical scar. The scar that was her constant reminder of what had happened in the hospital and the words of the obstetrician.

"The damage in there has left you infertile."

No longer a complete woman.

And, while the sex was now reasonably pleasurable, Billie wasn't reaching the climactic heights that had always been so much a part of their lovemaking before. After the birth of Sarah there had been that little hiccup with Jim's concern about Billie's breasts, but when that got sorted everything was great again. But now, it just wasn't happening. Ever since she had discovered orgasms, first by masturbation, then with her various boyfriends, and of course with Jim, she had felt that a sexual episode that didn't end with a whole-body orgasm just wasn't quite the real thing.

Jim would try to hold off for as long as he could, waiting for Billie's orgasmic cries. She tried to be vocal, as she always had been in earlier days, but they both knew this wasn't real. Jim never openly expressed his disappointment, but Billie knew that he had judged his own performance by the strength of her response. Now, she felt, her response was lacking. And it was all her fault.

It was bad enough that she couldn't achieve the ultimate pleasure herself but, far worse, she wasn't giving her loving husband the joy in sex that she had always been able to do for him before.

She tried to talk with Jim about her problem, but she didn't really understand it herself, so how could she expect him to? "It's just something inside me. I don't know why," she said.

Jim, as usual, was patient. "Let's give it some more time. It's not that big a deal. It'll come good."

She could only hope.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Roman

It was the second-last week of swimming lessons and Jason ran into the pool area without Jana. The dark-haired well-built man who came in with him walked up to Billie: "Hello, I'm Roman. Jana had a few other things she had to do so she asked me to come with Jason. Jana said to look for the prettiest lady in the group and it would be Sarah's mum. So you're Billie?"

"Ah, yes, that's me. Jana didn't say anything yesterday about not coming. She's OK, isn't she?"

"Yes," replied Roman. "It was just a few things she had to do. Anyhow, she's always talking about you and I've wanted to meet you for quite a while, so here I am."

In fact, Jana had said to Roman "You take Jason swimming this week and see if you can get any idea about what's bothering Billie. And even if you don't, you'll enjoy meeting her. Like I said to you before, she's a real chickibabe. Just see if she'll tell you what's worrying her."

Roman had kept much more of his accent than Jana, and Billie found it fascinating. She wasn't beyond being a little flattered by his description of her as 'the prettiest lady in the group' even though it was a bit over the top for a first greeting. Maybe it was a European thing?

They went and changed, Billie into her black one-piece and Roman into a pair of fire engine red Speedos. Billie noticed him looking her up and down a bit too closely for her comfort, in much the same way that Jana had checked out the two men in previous weeks. 'He's just as blatant as she is,' thought Billie.

She consciously avoided looking down at the front of the red Speedos. But it was a bit hard to ignore the fact that he was a very well-built man, broad-shouldered and muscular. She had an uneasy feeling about him - a sense of danger? Jana had said the Czech region they came from was Bohemia. Weren't Bohemians supposed to be unconventional?

"Are you a regular swimmer?" Billie enquired, trying to hide her unease.

Focus on how he looks, not on what I'm feeling.

"No, but I did take up surfing when we came to Sydney. Still do when I can. Why do you ask?"

"Your shoulders look like somebody who does lots of laps of the pool," Billie smiled, relieved that the conversation had stayed in safe territory. "The last time I saw shoulders like yours was when they had the Olympic swimming on the tellie."

"Nah, that's just the way I'm constructed. Jana says that if I hold my arms out, I could get a job as a scarecrow." Roman laughed and Billie relaxed a little more.

One of the pool attendants said that she would keep an eye on Jon in the play room while Billie and Roman went into the pool with Sarah and Jason. The parents were standing in the shallow end holding kick boards while the children all practised their kicking technique. "Straight legs, everybody," said the instructor. "Jason, nice and straight for a good strong kick."

Roman leaned forward to encourage Jason and as he did so his arm brushed lightly against Billie's breast. It felt like an electric shock through her body and she instinctively recoiled a little. She glanced across. Roman looked at her and grinned. 'He did that deliberately,' thought Billie.

After the lesson had finished and they were getting the children ready to leave, Roman said "I'm really pleased Jana couldn't come today. She talks about you a lot. You know she thinks you should get rid of that swimsuit you wear and turn up in a bikini, don't you? Now that I've met you, I think you should, too."

"No, no I can't," replied Billie, pulling her robe more firmly around herself. "Since I had Jon, it's my stomach. I can't let people see it, it looks awful."

Roman thought it best to not take this discussion any further.

That evening, he said to Jana "She must have really bad stretch marks. Stretch marks aren't usually all that noticeable, are they?"

"Typical bloody male," replied Jana. "If only men were the ones who got pregnant and had to put up with what it does to your body."

"Yeah, well, even covered with the beach robe she's far and away the best looking woman there at the pool."

"She is that," said Jana.

Jana continued: "I didn't mention it to you before, but Billie had Jon by caesarean. She's probably a bit self-conscious about it, although it should still be hidden by a decent two-piece; they do a bikini cut these days. I really don't understand it. Maybe I'll have a long talk with her sometime."

Also that evening, Billie put the children to bed and went to bed early herself. Jim was out at a business function and wouldn't be home until very late tonight. She lay there quietly thinking: 'If only I could wear a two-piece again like Jana says.' Jim used to be so proud of her when they went to the beach together - such a handsome and sexy-looking couple. Even after she had Sarah, Jim would tease her about the attention she attracted: "Did you see that bloke over there? I reckon you nearly gave the poor bastard a heart attack when you walked past him in that bikini."

But now.

She lay there quietly in bed, wishing that it could have been different. She slowly unbuttoned her pyjama top and felt for the scar. That ugly scar and all it signified.

No longer a complete woman.

It had healed quite well and, although it went from her navel down almost to her pubic bone, as she ran her fingers along it she could feel that in reality the ridge was not especially large. But it was there. Whenever she ran her fingers across her tummy, it was there. When she looked in a mirror it was there. And when Jim in his lovemaking moved hands and lips and tongue down from teasing her breasts, on what used to be a slow and sensuous wandering pathway to her navel, her mound and beyond; It was there.

She always had to guide him to ensure that he didn't encounter this symbol of her terrible imperfection.

She let her own hand wander down, creeping inside her pyjama pants. She raked her fingers through the fur on her mound and laid her hand flat over her vulva. With her legs easing open, she cupped her hand, squeezed and pressed down, slipping her middle finger into the moistness between her labia.

Billie rarely masturbated these days. Since Jim came into her life, sex between husband and wife was so frequent and it had been so satisfying that she felt masturbation paled by comparison. But maybe she could rediscover the secret to orgasm, just as she had first experienced it in those earliest days of sexual self discovery.

So, as that hand pressed, squeezed, massaged and then withdrew a little until just one finger could focus its attention around her most sensitive part, her other hand crept up to her breasts, gently taking first one as a handful, then the other; rubbing, squeezing and then rolling a fingertip around each nipple and over the crinkled areolae.

As her mind returned to those earliest experiences, she flicked her finger back and forth across the stem of her clitoris. She had long ago settled on this as the most effective stimulation - just close enough to the too-sensitive bud, just the right amount of pressure and movement to give extended pleasure before a long and satisfying climax.

But not this time.

Back in the early days she had pictures that focused her mind, fantasy images of rock and movie idols - she had them up on her bedroom walls. But since Jim came into her life, she hadn't needed fantasies to bring her to orgasm, whether he was taking her there or on those rare occasions when she played solo. She had felt sexy with Jim; she had felt sexy within herself - nothing more was needed.

But now?

Sterile inside. Scarred on the outside.

How could she possibly feel sexy now?

Her mind was wandering to bad places. She tried to focus on the sensations coming from between her legs but it wasn't enough. She forced her mind to go blank - blank out those negative thoughts of the scar and all it symbolised.

Imagine a picture screen. Make it go all pale grey.

Yes.

Think neutral.

Good.

Now think sexy. Focus on the feeling.

Good.

The feeling was rising. Work the fingers, hold the feeling.

Good.

Slowly an image intruded.

No! No! It mustn't be Roman!

Aaahhh . . .

She quickly withdrew her hand from her breast. That was where he had brushed against her. Too late. She had been on the edge. She tripped over.

She strangled a cry as her hips rose and the climax rippled through her body.

As she came down from the high, Billie rolled onto her side. She curled up and hugged her knees, physically and mentally tucking away those sensitive parts of her body - her breasts, her vulva, and, of course, the scar.

It had happened. Yes, she had done it - she was still capable of reaching orgasm. She had almost convinced herself that she would never have that wonderful feeling again.

But this time it was wrong. Tears formed and rolled down her cheek. 'How could I have done it like that?' she mused. 'I can't be thinking like this, it should have been Jim, not another man. Not Roman.'

What Billie had done was real. It was a real orgasm, as good as any she'd had by herself before. She couldn't escape that fact. But what had happened had happened for the wrong reason.

Billie determined that she just had to put this behind her and try to forget it had ever occurred. She would love to be able to explain it to her husband, but there was no way that could ever happen. No, somehow she had to work this out for herself.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Author's End Note

The second episode is being edited and I will post it in a week's time. Ep. 03 is sketched out and it should be ready a week or so after Ep. 02.

Lue