Billie - Scarred for Life Ep. 03

When we came to the end of the second episode;

It was September 1976 and Billie and Jim had been married six years. The birth of their second child Jon had required an emergency C-section which left Billie with a worrisome scar on her abdomen, a constant reminder that the procedure had left her infertile.

A vital part of Billie's sex life has always been her ability to reach climax, and her orgasmic responses to Jim's lovemaking have also been extremely important to Jim. He saw her climaxes as proof of his own ability to turn her on. Since the caesarean two years ago, orgasm has not come naturally to Billie.

There have, however, been two occasions recently when Billie did achieve an orgasm. But they both involved thoughts of her close friend Jana. The first occurred when Billie was masturbating and an image of Jana's husband Roman intruded in her thoughts and tripped her over the edge. The second was when she and Jim were making love and her mind strayed to thoughts of Jana's adulterous sexual liaison with the architect Barrington.

After she had that one 'successful' night in bed with Jim, he had said "That was great. Best ever. It hasn't been like that for such a long time." Billie interprets this as meaning she had not been satisfying her husband before. But now that she has done so on this one occasion, she can't tell him that it happened because she was thinking of Jana and Barrington.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Girl friend talk

"I'm a mess. I've got to talk. There's all sorts of reasons I can't talk to Jim and you know more about me now than any of my other friends."

It was the day after Billie's 'successful' night of sex with Jim. Billie had met Jana while she was dropping her daughter Sarah at school and Jana was dropping her son Jason.

"OK, how about you come 'round home? Roman's there, but he won't bother us, he's working," replied Jana.

"I'll drop Jon at mum's and come over. She's been at me for a while to have some grandmothering time with him, and I'll tell her I have some things I've got to do. I'll see you in about half an hour."

'Jana's the only person who could understand,' thought Billie as she drove to her house. 'And I can't tell anybody else anyhow. Jana's told me about her and Barrington, and I've already told her about the boyfriends I had before Jim, so maybe she'll have some ideas that will help.'

Jana took her through to the kitchen. "Coffee all right? It's a bit early for wine, but maybe we can get on the harder stuff later if what you have to tell me gets too serious. It's not too serious, is it?"

They moved with their coffee into the lounge room and Billie said "Hi" to Roman as they walked past his office. When they had settled, Jana said "OK, I'm listening. Where do you want to start?"

"I don't know. It's Jim. I'm not doing it for him like I used to. I'm sexless. I'm like I'm dead in bed most of the time and if I can't do something about it I'm going to lose him. I just don't know what to do. I've got to do something to fix it but there's nothing I can think of that works. I thought maybe you could have some ideas."

"That's gotta be crap. You won't lose Jim. You only have to look at you two together to see that. And if things aren't working all that well in bed, well - sex isn't everything. We all have good times and times when it's not working, but it comes good again so long as you don't spend all your time worrying about it.

"Anyhow, tell me about it. You told me you had boyfriends before Jim and that was good. And you said that it was better with Jim than any of them, so what went wrong and when did it happen?" Jana's voice softened as she said these last words, seeing from Billie's expression that her friend really was desperate. Even though she was sure there was no basis for her friend's fear of losing her husband, it was obvious Billie was troubled and couldn't keep going the way she was.

"It's been like this ever since the caesar with Jon. There's no orgasms and Jim always wants me to come too, just like he always does. I know it's not something down there, the problem is up here." Billie tapped herself on the side of her head.

"Why do you think it's just mental," Jana asked. "How do you know it's not something physical? Something caused by what happened when you had the caesarean? Anyhow, if you can't, then you can't, and it's not the end of the world. I don't make it to the Big O every time. I don't think anybody does."

"No, but I used to almost always, and Jim used to say how good it was for him when I did. It's just not as good for him if I don't. He even goes down and uses his tongue sometimes after he has come to try to get me to come as well, and even that hasn't worked for the last two years.

"But it really is up here." Billie tapped her head again. "I'm sure of that because I made it work twice, and both times I was thinking of something else, not just the feeling of it."

"So? You're not the only one who has done that. There can be all sorts of things go through your mind."

"Yes, but this is wrong. It's Roman. And it's you and Barrington. It happened and I didn't want it to, but it was really strong when it did. The first time was when I was by myself, but the second time was last night when I was with Jim. It was all going great with Jim, then it started to go wrong in my head, and then I got pictures of you and Barrington on the desk and I had the biggest Big O. Jim thought it was great, but then he told me it hadn't been any good before. He didn't mean to say it like that, but that's what he said."

"OK. I don't believe Jim could have meant that, no matter what he said. But let's go back to the beginning. Where does Roman come into it?"

"That was the day I first met him at the kids' swimming lessons. That night afterwards I was alone and I started playing and Roman came into my head and it happened. He accidentally touched my boob in the pool and that was what I was thinking about when I had an orgasm. That was the first one I ever had since the caesar, and I was thinking about your husband, not mine."

"Look," said Jana. "Tell me about this bloody caesarean. Millions of women have them, but they don't obsess about it like you seem to be doing. I remember you at the swimming lessons always hiding yourself and I suppose that's because of the caesarean, is it?"

"I've got this awful scar," Billie said, tears forming. "It's a really big one. Every time I see it or touch it I get upset about what happened. It's on the outside, but it's what's inside that hurts. It's not just that I can't have any more kids - I'm happy with just having Sarah and Jon. It's feeling like there's some important part of me that used to make me a real woman and it's not there any more. Jim needs that."

"Believe me, you're a real woman. Ask Roman. Ask any other man for that matter. I can't believe that Jim doesn't think that too. Anyhow, I had my tubes tied, and that's got to be something like what happened to you, and it made no difference to me. And you said it worked OK twice for you but it was the wrong reasons, so all you've got to do is make it work for the right reasons."

"Don't you think I'd have done that if I could? I went close last night with Jim. I did the romantic dinner thing and then we went to bed. It was going great but then I got anxious and the feeling went away. You had told me about you and Barrington and somehow the picture of Barrington telling you to take off your panties came into my head and it happened. Jim thinks it was good, but he doesn't know what was in my head and why it was so good. That's when he told me it hadn't been good before." Billie started to tear up again and dabbed her eyes with her handkerchief.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Let's have a look at this scar

"Billie, will you please show me this scar? It seems that it worries you more than anything and nobody else has seen it. I can't believe it could be as bad as all that. So let's have a look at it."

Billie demurred, but Jana was insistent. Billie lifted her top and unbuttoned her jeans to show where the scar almost reached her navel. "Get the lot off so I can see it properly," said Jana. "Just bra and panties so I can see what you'd look like in a two-piece cossie."

Reluctantly, Billie pulled off her top and unzipped her jeans. "Right off," said Jana.

She kicked off her shoes and stepped out of the jeans. "There, satisfied?" said Billie.

"Almost," said Jana. "I think it's hardly noticeable, but I want another opinion. Come and we'll ask Roman."

"No bloody way!" exclaimed Billie. "He's not seeing me like this."

"Well you can change into one of my cossies if you like. What difference does it make? I want him to see it and tell you what he thinks. He reckoned you looked fantastic in the one-piece but he would have liked to see you in a bikini. Let's just go with the bra and knickers. It's not as though he'll be shocked by it."

Jana led the way, followed by a reluctant Billie as they made their way to the office. A surprised Roman looked up. "Now that's something you don't see every day. But I wouldn't mind if I did."

"We've been talking about what's worrying Billie and why she kept covering up," Jana explained. "I said before it was probably something to do with the caesarean, but it's a bit more than the usual bikini cut. It's longer and it goes the other way. But I don't think it's all that obvious; it's not as though it's a really dark colour or anything."

"Maybe it's not obvious to you, but it is to me," said Billie.

Roman took his time looking Billie up and down. "Actually," he said, "I think it looks rather neat going straight down the middle from your navel. How far down does it go?"

Jana reached over and pulled down the front of Billie's panties, ignoring her protests and exposing the full length of the scar and most of the hair on her mound. "No!" exclaimed Billie, grabbing the panties and pulling them back up to a more modest height. "That's as far as it goes," she said.

"OK, I don't think it's something you should be worried about. Nobody's going to spend their time looking at it if you wear a bikini, they'll be distracted by the rest of you. But I'm not you, and you're the one that's worried. You finished looking, Roman?"

"Yes, I suppose so," said a reluctant Roman. "Billie, I really do think you're being over-sensitive about something that nobody else is going to worry about."

"I worry about it," Billie replied. "It's what's happened to me, and it's always there reminding me."

"Come on," said Jana. "We'll go back to the lounge room and let Roman try to get over the palpitations." They returned to the lounge room and Billie put her clothes back on.

"OK, so we've fixed the problem of what's outside. From now on, it's back to the bikini for you. When we christen the pool in your new house, you will be the hostess showing the mostest. I'm going to buy you a string bikini to celebrate the new pool.

Jana continued, "So now, do you want to talk about the serious stuff? Do you really think Jim is unhappy with you just because you don't make it to the Big O every time? I can't see that's reasonable."

"It's me. It's inside me. I'm always thinking of it when we're in bed together. I just can't be what I used to be, and Jim knows it and I'm not doing it for him like I used to do. It used to be so good and it's not any more. Jim knows it and he said so."

"I'm sure he didn't mean it to come out like that. And look, it worked last night. Let's think about what you can do to keep it working. What's wrong with letting your mind wander to other things? If that works, go for it."

"I can't." Billie was tearing up again. "It would be like cheating on Jim. And I tried faking it too, back when it first started going wrong after the caesar, but I'm not good at doing fake orgasms and we both knew it wasn't real."

"Well, I know what I'd do," said Jana. "It doesn't worry me what I'm thinking about when it's all happening. Whatever makes it work, go for it. It's only in the lead-up anyhow 'cause when it hits I'm not really thinking about anything at all. It's like my mind turns to mush and my body takes over. Doesn't that happen with you?"

"Yes I suppose so, but it still worries me what happened when I thought of Roman and Barrington. I shouldn't have done that. That was wrong."

"Well, like I said, that's what I'd do. Think about it."

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Your turn tonight

All the way home, Billie's mind was in turmoil. 'That wasn't very helpful,' she thought to herself. Jana's way of looking at things was so different to hers. Sex to Jana obviously was something you did for your own pleasure. But as Jim and Billie had grown together she had enjoyed sex so much more because they both cared about each other. They both worked to give each other joy in their intimacies, not just take selfish pleasure for themselves.

But then, she had given him joy last night, too. He had received more pleasure last night than he had for more than two years, even if it was for the wrong reason. And, as Jana had said, the things you think of are only fleeting. Once the climax comes on, if it's a good one you're not thinking at all. You're just experiencing.

And there was what happened in Roman's office. 'What Jana did with my panties, I'm sure that was deliberate,' she reflected on her feelings at the time. Her grab to cover herself had been instinctive. But was there a little thrill at being exposed like that? With Roman watching? There had been a few times in her younger days when she flashed her bush to the boys as well as her boobs. She was a bit of a wild child back then, and flashing was fun. Had she become too prudish?

'I will wear a bikini when we have the new pool,' she thought. 'I have to start doing things differently. I can't keep going the way I am.'

When Jim arrived home later that evening, he presented Billie with an enormous bunch of roses. "Guess what," he said. "Yesterday you saw the fish bloke by the roadside, today I saw the flower lady."

"You want a repeat of last night." She grinned at her husband.

"Now that sounds like an excellent idea." Jim gave her a quick hug as she took the roses to put in a vase. "I've been thinking about it all day and I couldn't come up with a better one."

In the bedroom after dinner Jim said "You did all the work last night. Tonight's your turn and I'll do the work."

Jim quickly stripped off his own clothes, telling Billie "No, wait," when she started to undress herself. He knelt and eased off her shoes and socks, then stood and removed her jeans. As he did so, Billie was trying to control her thoughts. Her mind had started wandering off to places she didn't want it to go.

'No,' she told herself. 'I mustn't think of Barrington taking off Jana's clothes. It's Jim and me, not them.'

It was hard banishing the thought from her mind. But she worked on that as she lay back on the bed, hands above her head and fingers laced together. "Since I'm in charge tonight, you can start at the top and work your way down. I want all the territory covered."

"All of it?"

"Yes, all of it." This was it. Jim had decoded her message. Great. Tonight she was going to overcome her worries about the scar. Her tummy would receive the same attention as everywhere else.

Jim started by kissing her eyelids closed, just as he usually did. Then he kissed her forehead, nibbled on her earlobes and lightly kissed her lips. Next, her chin, throat and around her neck. This was going well. She was submerged in the feeling.

He worked across her shoulders and down to her breasts. He loved her boobs and always gave them a lot of attention, and she was loving the attention he was giving them.

He moved down, kissing his way to her middle. Billie felt herself tensing a little as he progressed southward, and she hoped he wasn't aware of her nervousness. But she relaxed when he paused his journey, his tongue teasing around her navel. "Going OK?" Jim enquired softly.

'Yes, he knows what he's doing.' Billie responded with a "Hmmm" and Jim moved on downward.

'Keep it cool, Billie.' This had to be conscious control. 'I can't just let myself go.' Jim kept moving. 'It will be over soon.'

Jim kissed his way downwards, across her tummy and over to her left hip. Billie breathed an inward sigh of relief as he continued on down her thigh. Then across to the right thigh and back up to her hip. 'Please, no further up.' She eased her legs open to encourage him to her vulva and Jim responded as she hoped.

This was comfortable territory. Surely nothing could go wrong here? Jim parted her labia and kissed and licked around her entrance before moving on to her sensitive bud. He sucked on it gently and flicked the tip with his tongue. He had always been good at this and it was working well for her this time.

The sensations were strong. There was nothing else distracting her thoughts. Jim slipped two fingers inside her and lifted his lips away from her clitoris to make way for his other hand. He raked his fingers through the fur on her mound.

'Roman saw me there.' No. Billie didn't want to think about that.

This was becoming hard work. Banishing these thoughts was stopping her from enjoying what Jim was doing. She couldn't just let herself go. The sensations were gone. No matter how she tried to concentrate on what Jim was doing, she couldn't bring them back. Stupid thoughts were blanking out pleasurable sensations.

'It's time to get this over and done with.'

"Come up here and just give me a cuddle. I'm sorry sweetheart, it's just not working tonight."

Jim moved up and they lay side by side, cuddling. "What's wrong, petal? Was last night just too good?"

"I don't know. Maybe it was that. Maybe I was expecting too much. I just don't know."

'Failed. Failed again. I just can't make it work. I'm a complete and total failure.'

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Billie in a bikini"

The next several weeks were busy. Billie felt unable to talk with Jim about the churning emotions inside her and her dreadful sense of failure but, fortunately, she had an excuse. She was busy. Very busy. The new house was finished and she was kept involved with removalists transferring their belongings from the old house and finalising all the paperwork for their new home. It also fell to her to get the old place cleared out and have it prepared for father-in-law Jack to put up for rent.

Bed time was tense for both husband and wife. Jim was being cautious and Billie was grateful that he wasn't initiating sexual intimacy. However, when they moved into the new home, she felt obliged to at least make love on their first night in the new marital bed.

Sarah and Jon had spent the day setting up their new bedrooms and were both excited to be sleeping for the first night in their new beds. When she had them tucked in and stories read, Billie said to Jim "Well, they're excited to be in their new beds, we should go and have a bit of excitement in ours."

It was OK.

Not great, but not a disaster either. Not like that awful time a few weeks ago when she failed so absolutely. It was much like it had been for the past two years. Jim was good as he always was. He reached climax as he always did. Billie kept her mind blank as she always tried to do and she tried to focus on the feeling, and it felt all right as it usually did. But not all right enough to take her over the edge.

And so, in their new home, this couple's lovemaking became much the same as it had been for the past two years in their old place.

But with one thing at least, encouraged by Jana, Billie was taking better charge of her life. "Right. Now you've got the pool, it's bikini time. Trim the fur tonight. Tomorrow I'm taking you shopping."