Birthday Cake



I didn't want to go to a lot of trouble this year, so instead of a birthday cake, I decided to make this recipe, which I thought would be easier. It was a little while before I realised what it was I was making! and then it seemed so funny I thought I better write it up.

For my birthday I had a banana cream pie -- or a tart. I mean a banana cream tart. I have not had many tarts of the female kind as I prefer the butch variety of lady when I cruise women ... I mean when I go for a quickie ... I mean a quiet drink in a pleasant bar which just happens to have a rainbow banner outside.

As it was my own birthday, I decided not to make a cake. I found a beautiful recipe in my Kitchenaid cookbook but I didn't want to go to that much trouble.

Oh, I bought the Kitchenaid cakemixer for my 50^th birthday, with the assistance of my family and friends. I am an expert on race politics and postcolonial studies so I chose the classic Empire Red one OF COURSE. It ties my kitchen together. Until I got the free Kitchenaid cookbook which goes with it, I thought I had all the cookery books I need and was even getting rid of some. However as soon as I opened the glossy book, I realised I had been so wrong. There is a recipe for salmon poached in champagne (never mind how you poach a salmon in a cakemixer; that's just carping ;) ) and chocolate mousse with Lapsang Souchong and single malt whisky -- mmmmm! One day, too, I will make the Îles Flottantes, in memory of the perfect ones I once had as a student. (I'm talking about the meringues here, not the waiters.)

Anyway, anyway, instead of a cake I found what looked like a much simpler dish among my Robert Carrier recipe cards: banana cream pie. If you prefer, I suppose you could call a cream pie a tart, since it doesn't have a pastry top to it. A pie and a tart should both have a nice firm bottom.



The rest of the birthday food I made later in the day as it was OF COURSE to be hot. There was lots of meat, as I love a piece of meat, and there were sausages. Well, pigs in blankets. A little sausage with its round pink end poking out of the wrinkled skin formed by nice crispy bacon is a toothsome thing to suck on!

I decided to bake the banana cream pie in the morning. First I had to get it by the short 'n curlies ... I mean make the shortcrust pastry. I laid out the ingredients -- and some champagne truffles to sustain me in my labours -- and found a recipe for the shortcrust pastry case which I was OF COURSE going to bake myself.

I rubbed the butter into flour and icing sugar with my strong yet flexible fingers. Rub rub with the finger tips. Some egg yolks and a tiny splash of cold water -- just as much as I habitually put into a glass of single malt whisky -- and I started mixing it into a dough. I don't have a palette knife which was the designated implement for doing this, so I used a spoon. Spooning is always good in my cookbook.

The recipe said the dough should form a smooth ball. I enjoyed rolling the ball around in my fingers but it remained a little rough. I like a little rough so I figured that would be OK.

I put the dough in the fridge to cool, 'cos a ball of dough is like a beautiful woman -- a cool one will always be better when things get hot. I rolled out the dough with my trusty rolling pin. The recipe said 1-2 mm thick. Now I'm not a size queen but I do like thickness. I made the dough thicker. The recipe also said the dough is 'extremely forgiving'. Like me! I am an easy ;) kind of a gal, I will forgive most things -- except anyone who puts ice in my whisky.

At that point someone knocked me up, I mean banged ... I mean knocked on my door. I tootled down the hallway in my fetching apron. As it was my birthday, I felt it was likely to be the postman and indeed it was! I am always happy to take a packet off the postman, and I am so lucky living here. The postmen always seem to be smiling and happy as they give it to me, even if they do drool a bit.

While blind(fold and handcuffed) baking the pastry case, I got on top of the cream filling. Mmmm ... the rich yellowish smooth dripping creamy Jersey goldtop milk dripping into the pan to make the cream filling for the cream pie. This recipe requires a vanilla cream; don't get disappointed already. I have personally had a lot of fun in a vanilla way in my time.

Now for the bananas. Three bananas for one tart! Goodness gosh. I took those firm, curved fruit and gently peeled back the skin to expose the tips -- ah! .... (Excuse me.) I ran my fingers briefly down that delicious shape with a firm yet tender grip. Ahhhhh! Oranges are certainly not the only fruit for me.

I do have fans of delicate sensibilities so I won't go on about slicing the bananas in a Lorena Bobbitt way. Let's just move rapidly on to the moment when they sank into the rich thick yellowish cream of the delicious tart in its filled pastry case ... mmmmmm!

But ... oh dear! Three bananas were not enough. What happened? Was my tart too big and loose for three bananas to fit in its oozing creaminess? I just had to make do, it would all taste good anyway. I knew this because I had to constantly lick the cream dripping off my fingers whenever I gave my cream pie a poke to get the three bananas comfortably fitted into it.

There we are: a delicious cream pie with bananas stuffed into it. Or a tart, whatever floats your banana boat. (As long as it has a nice firm bottom.) For the finishing touch, I put a cherry on the top. OK, I am greedy, five cherries. Would you like to suck my cherry on the top dripping with thick yellowish vanilla cream?