Black Sheep Pt. 06

"You asked her to leave with you, didn't you?" I asked him, ending the frigid silence.

He took a while to answer. I think he meant for me to imply his answer from the silence, or, with him being my brother, he was still trying to think of a lie to tell me. In the end he decided on the truth. "Yes," he said.

I laughed sarcastically. "Of course, you did. What did she say?"

That time he answered quickly. "She chose you."

"Riiiight."

That time he was the one who laughed with a sinister tone to his voice. "You don't believe me?"

"All I know is that she had a panic attack because you told her you were leaving," I said, suddenly feeling like Henry was punching me in my stomach again, even though he wasn't.

I hated admitting it even to myself, but her reaction to my brother's apparent departure was very significant. And when I really thought about it, it was just as significant that the first time she saw him, she literally fainted. I wanted to ignore it, but I couldn't, and I knew I shouldn't. Wasn't that how we ended up in the situation we were in?

"You don't just break down because some guy you used to know is gone," I said that sentence more to myself.

"Is she okay?" He suddenly had look of great concern on his face.

"Of course, she's okay. What the fuck do you take me for?"

"I had to ask..."

"No, you didn't have to ask, Henry. Please just shut up."

We returned to the silence again; that time it was more complete since our heavy breathing had died down quite a lot. But again, I ended it. I wanted answers, and I was the only one who cared about that. Those two sure as hell weren't going to volunteer any free information. "What exactly did she say, when you asked her to go with you?"

"You're really enjoying this, aren't you, hearing about how she chose you over me?"

"Yeah, Henry, I'm enjoying hearing about how you were another option for my fiancé, and I didn't even know about it until she broke down because you were leaving the country."

"She loves you, though. I never stood a chance."

"Of course, you did. All the women in our lives always choose you. You were Avery's favourite when we were kids, you still are. Mom never even tried to hide that she loved you more, even when you didn't fucking deserve it. You left, Henry, I was the son who stayed and helped her through all of dad's crap, but you were always her golden boy, the one she wished had stayed behind. Did you even realize that?"

"That's all in your head, Chris..."

"Come on. You can't be that clueless. You get everything and everyone. Ever since we were kids, when girls would use me just to get close to you, when you started dating Jessica Bradshaw even though you knew I liked her. In fact, I dated her for a whole two weeks before you swooped in, then she started dating you. You're the one everyone wants—you're the one I always wanted to be. I finally succeeded because you were finally gone. I could finally be you. But I guess it's true what they say, huh, be careful what you wish for because you might just get it."

For a moment he just looked at me as though he was analyzing something about me and when he was done he asked: "You really feel all of that?"

"I don't just fucking feel it, Henry! It's all true. Yet you're so cool and oblivious that you don't even realize it. You don't even care. Fuck you, Henry, fuck you very much!"

"I don't know what you want or expect me to say..."

"I want you to own up to your shittiness, to the fact that this time, like you did with Jessica Bradshaw, you actively tried to take someone away from me. You didn't care what that would do to me, or what Ishtar wanted, just as long as you got what you wanted, again. Gosh, I just want you to be my brother for once, just one fucking time, Henry. Why can't you do that?"

Seemingly lost for words, he looked into the distance with what I assumed to be great thought.

"The truth is I never thought about any of that stuff in the same way you did," he said. "And I guess that just as much as you hate me now, I once hated you because I blamed you too for Crystal. And all this stuff you're saying about mom and Avery loving me more, I never saw that. I always thought that sometimes, and only sometimes, they pampered me because they could see I didn't belong in our family, so they tried to make things better for me. I'm sorry you felt that way, that you still feel that way. I never meant for any of that to happen. But do you want to know what I remember?"

"What?"

"I remember both mom and dad going to every stupid play and little league game you had. I remember dad never having to work when it was your birthday. Mom was never too tired to help you with your homework, she never foisted you off to the nanny, or sometimes forgot that you were supposed to be on a camping trip in a few hours. If anyone, between you and me, was more loved than the other, it was you, little brother.

"I was the oldest, they figured I could figure some of the shit out on my own. And when I finally outgrew my childlike cuteness, they never bothered to look at me until I was fucking up. They loved me because they had to, because they already had me. They loved you because it was the most natural thing to them. I couldn't even blame them because you were always the golden boy. If I were them, I'd love you more too.

"And mom only missed me because I was gone and she was afraid she'd lost me forever. That might have been the only time she cared more for me than she did for you. You saw only what you wanted to see, because you were a kid, a pampered kid. But Avery and I know better because we've always known what it's like to not be you, Christopher. That's why you thought she loved me more, she didn't. We were simply brought together by the neglect we faced from everyone else. No one has ever fucking chosen me over you.

"You've always gotten everything. You've always gotten everyone. The only reason you envied me, the only reason you wanted to be me, was because you mistook my loneliness for coolness. I was your older brother, of course you thought the world revolved around me. But it didn't, because it already revolved around you. So don't put your fucked up misconceptions about your world on me because the opposite of what you believe is what's true."

"That's how you remember it?"

"I guess you don't believe me, huh."

"No. I don't"

"Well," he said, throwing his hands into the air, "remember your truth, little brother, and I'll remember mine."

"What about Jessica Bradshaw?"

"Okay, she was the only person I ever took away from you. And in the end she didn't even matter? How the hell do you even remember her name?"

"Because it mattered to me."

"She was three years older than you, anyway."

"Why does that little detail matter? You just admitted you started dating her because you wanted to hurt me. And who's the one remembering unimportant details now?"

"Okay. I'll admit that was wrong on that. I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry."

"What about with Ishtar? You didn't mean to casually seduce her, either, I suppose."

"You know she was with me way before she met you, right?"

"I meant now, asshole. Why couldn't you just leave her alone?"

He shrugged, as though what he was going to say was the most natural thing in the world and I should have already realized it myself. "I love her," he said. "I know what it's like to live without her, to miss her with every second of every day, to wake up fantasizing that she's breathing right next to me, only to find that it was all a dream—I couldn't go through that pain again."

"I love her too. I also want to wake up every day with her breathing right next to me for every day that I'm alive. Did you think about that?"

"If you love her as much as you say you do, then you know how crazy she can drive you. When I think about her, she's all I can think about, she's all I care about...she's...she's everything to me, the same way that you're everything to her."

"Did she tell you that?"

"Yeah." Saying that one word seemed to drain Henry. For some reason, I believed him. Maybe because I wanted to, or maybe because it was the truth. I don't know, there was something in the defeat on his face that told me that he was telling the truth.

"You're going to forgive her, aren't you?" he suddenly asked.

"I love her," was all I said. "I can't just wake up one day and suddenly not have her in my life."

"I know exactly how you feel."

"It will break mom's heart but you can't come back, you know..."

He started laughing before I could even finish my sentence.

"What the hell is so funny now?"

"She also tried to get rid of me, Ishtar."

"Well, you should have listened to her."

"Maybe I should have. Can you promise me something?"

"What?"

Suddenly looking very serious, he looked straight into my eyes and said, "Don't ever break her heart, Christopher. I'd have to come back if you did. I'd fight for her, I'd give it everything I had. If you fuck up, I'm coming back for her."

The thing I hated most about his little threats, was that he made it sound as though he was giving Ishtar to me. It was like his blessing was something I should have cared about, and that he had the power to take her away from me if and when he pleased. In short, and in his twisted shitty mind, Ishtar was actually his, but because he was such an awesome brother, he was letting me hold on to her until he deemed it fit to take her back. Fuck this guy, I thought to myself.

I decided right then that I didn't need anything else from him. In response to his little spiel, I started walking away from him, all the while telling him: "You should have just stayed in Kenya. You never should have come back. Mom was finally getting used to your absence...we didn't need you anymore. Why the fuck did you have to come back and ruin my future?"

Something he'd said earlier caught my mind, so I turned around to say: "And again, fuck you for blaming me for the mess with Crystal. What the fuck was I supposed to do about that? I was a kid, man. You're just a jerk."

"You know what I find to be most disturbing about this whole thing, Ishtar didn't know I was your brother until the moment I came back. You never spoke about me once, never showed her a picture or something, anything?" he said, halting me in my steps.

"I guess this whole thing is my fault, right. Is that what you're saying?"

"I'm just saying we've both been shitty brothers."

"First of all, you and I don't compare in that department. And even if we did, you're the one who left, Henry. You're the one who stole away in the darkness like some fucking thief, without even saying why or goodbye, twice. You're the one who severed those bonds because you refused to keep in touch unless it was via some cryptic email that simply said: 'Still okay. Please don't worry.' We tried to be your family but you kept spitting all of it back in our faces. It hurt mom. It hurt Avery. We don't owe you anything anymore. Get over yourself."

He nodded. "You know what this makes me realize?"

"What, Henry? What great wisdom shall you share with me now, oh great one?" I asked, mocking him because the guy simply would not shut up and let me go.

"Our relationship has always been way more damaged than either of us was willing to admit. We didn't talk about the cracks that kept popping up until it was too late, until everything was exploding and there was nothing else we could do to patch up the cracks. I guess this is the most natural end we could have reached, you and I," he said, as a way of saying 'goodbye' or 'I love you', I suppose. He looked like he was about to cry, but he didn't.

"I'm sorry for my part in that," he continued. "But I guess this it then, Christopher."

"Yeah," I said, nodding (as a way of saying 'goodbye' or 'sorry' or 'I love you too', I suppose). "I guess this is it, Henry."