Blind Date

February 3rd

"Chaise, I've figured out how to meet the perfect woman."

"By asking me out for dinner? Mr. Hawke, I'm flattered, but I don't want to get fired for violating the company's no-intra-office-dating policy."

"Ha! No. I mean, I'm not happy with my dating life. I have a plan, but I need your help. And call me Jeff. I don't like being called Mr. Hawke, even at work."

"Okay, Jeff. What happened to that woman you were seeing last month? The redhead?"

"You mean Leslie? How did you know about her?"

"You're the owner of the company, Jeff. Your dating habits are honeyed gossip for us worker bees. Amara Patel saw you at that new teppanyaki place near Stanford. Amara said your date -- Leslie? -- was so gorgeous that Amara briefly doubted her own heterosexuality."

"Yeah, Leslie was a beauty, but get this! She had never heard of Blade Runner!"

"A guy has to have standards, even if he himself would struggle to pass a Voight-Kampff test."

"See! Everyone should know that film! Um... Chaise, you think I couldn't pass a test to prove I'm not an android?"

"They're called 'replicants' in the movie, and I meant it in a good way. Mostly."

"Oh, then thank you. Mostly."

"What was wrong with that woman you took to the Sharks game last month? Janice Wu saw you in line for beer. She recognized the woman from some TV show."

"Candace. Yeah, she had a part on CSI: Dubuque, playing a fashion model who killed designers whose clothes made her hips look too big. Candace didn't get a Monty Python reference I made. She had never heard of the show."

"Burn the witch!"

"I was thinking more of turning her into a newt, but she'd only get better."

"There's no justice in this world. Hey, Jeff, I'm just spitballin' here, but have you considered changing your no-fraternization policy and just asking out someone from work? I know at least one of your employees who would love to date you, and she would ace any geek test you threw at her."

"Really, who? Wait, Chaise, don't answer. I'd rather not know. My partner in my first start-up destroyed the company when she dated-and-dumped our lead designer, and we descended into lawsuits and office drama. I'm not repeating that mistake. No intra-office dating."

"That's a pity. So, Jeff, you want my help. Do you want me to set you up with a friend or something? I'd have to think..."

"No, the problem is strategic. I'm bad at approaching women on my own. The women I've been dating lately all approached me, and we don't seem to have anything in common. I need to find women with common interests, but I don't have the time. Computer dating was the obvious solution, but I didn't think I could write the ad. That's when I realized that an ad for finding a partner has a lot in common with writing technical requirements That's where you come in. I need your help writing the specifications for the perfect woman."

"Specifications."

"Yes."

"Jeff, you're smart enough to run a Silicon Valley start-up to the point where your company is the object of a rumored bidding war between Apple and Google, yet you're dumb enough to think your dating problems are caused by the lack of a tech spec? Wait, that particular combination of intelligence and idiocy explains itself, doesn't it?"

"It's only dumb if it doesn't work."

"It'll need to be one hell of a spec."

"You're the best tech writer in the company. Your work on the Silver Lining website was stellar."

"For which I still haven't received a raise. Just sayin'."

"What? The only thing that distinguished that site from every other cloud storage site was the irreverent attitude: 'Porn you want to share with your girlfriend' vs. 'porn you want to hide from your girlfriend'. That one still makes me laugh. It was singled out in all the press, and it saved the project. Dennis never approved a raise for that?"

"He didn't like the approach I took, and he liked it even less when it received most of the credit for the site being a hit."

"But that site was worth half our profits last year! Dammit. And Dennis has the chutzpah to whine about staff retention problems in his division. Grrr. I'll take care of it."

"How?"

"I'll take care of it, Chaise. I promise. What about the computer dating ad. Will you do it?"

"Tell me more."

"Obviously, the dating ad can't read like a technical spec, but I know you can handle that. I heard you were a creative writing major in college."

"My poetry gave all the guys in Freshman Comp very existential erections. Hmm. Describing the girl is only half the ad. You have to describe yourself in a way that makes her want to meet you, and it has to be accurate enough that you aren't wasting each other's time."

"I can see ideas forming in the furrows of your brow."

"It's certainly a writing challenge, and it's a change of pace from online help guides."

"It's off the clock at work, of course. Your raise has nothing to do with this. I'll pay you for this out of my own pocket."

"Jeff, don't insult me. I wasn't even thinking of charging. Um, just out of curiousity, how much?"

"$30 an hour?"

"I said don't insult me! Rates for freelance tech writing in the Valley are three times that, and as you say, I'm a damned good tech writer."

"But you said you weren't thinking of charging!"

"Yes, but even if I do it for free, you should know I'm worth at least $100 an hour."

"You're worth $200 an hour."

"Done. I'll take the first five hours on retainer. I'll make an exception from normal business practices and accept a personal check, because you have an honest face."

"Um...I think I just got rolled."

"I may be an excellent tech writer, but I'm an even better negotiator."

"That was too well done for me to object. How do you spell your first name?"

"C-h-a-i-s-e."

"Here's a check for $1000. That's an unusual name. Where did your parents get that?"

"They won't tell me, but I think it's where I was conceived."

"Is that a city somewhere?"

"It's a type of couch -- a chaise lounge. They even gave me the couch when I moved out here. You're paying by the hour, so let's start with you. How would you describe yourself, Jeff?"

"Early thirties, start-up millionaire--"

"You can't call yourself a millionaire in an ad!"

"I should say billionaire? That's lying."

"It's tacky to mention income at all! You can hint about how rich you are, but you have to be subtle or funny about it, or you come across as a douchebag."

"That's what my last serious girlfriend called me before she threw my laptop out on the street."

"You aren't a douchebag. You're just completely lacking in pretense, which makes you socially clueless sometimes. Your perfect woman will see past those quirks, and perceive you the way we all do at the office -- as a brilliant, rakishly-handsome studmuffin."

"Everyone at work thinks I'm a rakishly-handsome studmuffin?"

"Just the women on the third floor."

"Whew, I have my reputation to protect. Wait, aren't you the only woman on the third floor?"

"There's probably a few others somewhere. Hmm. I don't think you'll have a clue how to describe yourself in a way that would attract a woman you'ld like. I think I can handle that on my own. So, describe your perfect girl."

"We should like the same books. Well, not exactly the same, or we won't have fun discussing them."

"Examples."

"Science Fiction classics."

"Wells and Verne?"

"More modern."

"Asimov and Heinlein?"

"Heinlein yes, Asimov no."

"You pick the fascist over the Jew? Jeff, I thought you were a Member of the Tribe yourself?"

"On my mom's side. Asimov was Jewish?"

"Oy vey. Yes. Any other authors?"

"Herbert, Haldeman, Vinge, Scalzi..."

"Your first criteria for a woman is that she reads and likes militaristic space operas? Good luck with that. How about fantasy? That's more popular with women."

"It is?"

"Buff heroes treading-the-jeweled-thrones-of-the-earth-beneath-their-sandaled-feet are a lot sexier than space soldiers blowing up aliens with plasma rifles, particularly if the fantasy hero can respect the heroine as a self-empowered individual -- even after he beds her like he owns her."

"I like fantasy. How about Tolkien and Martin?"

"I can work with that. Any genres outside geek lit?"

"I like mysteries and thrillers."

"Like Raymond Chandler and Dashiell Hammett?"

"Who?"

"You live in the Bay Area and don't know Hammett? The Maltese Falcon?"

"Wasn't that a movie?"

"Based on a book. It's detective fiction. All the guys are bastards and the women love them for it. Hammett's books are as tough and sexist as any of your space operas.You would love them. So if not hard-boiled detective fiction, then what?"

"Ludlum, Follett, Harris, that sort of thing."

"You don't think Thomas Harris lost his mojo after Silence of the Lambs?"

"Yes, but his first three books are amazing."

"Okay, Jeff, enough with books. What else describes your perfect girl?"

"A great conversationalist. Have you ever had one of those conversations where the world disappears?"

"I'm not sure what you mean."

"Where nothing exists except the conversation. I think that's what love is. When you talk to someone and nothing else exists except the other person. Have you ever had that happen?"

"I'm afraid not. What else is she like?"

"She has a sense of humor."

"She'll need one."

"Yeah, like that. I love sarcasm."

"Any other examples of a sense of humor?"

"Movies like Airplane!, and The Hangover."

"Everyone likes those. They don't say anything unique about you. What movies do you like that few people our age have seen?"

"My dad was a fan of Peter Sellers. When I was a kid, we used to watch the Pink Panther movies together. I loved them."

"Ooh, good choice. Hey, if you like Sellers, did you ever see Alec Guinness's Ealing comedies?"

"Obi-Wan Kenobi did comedy?"

"Argh! The most versatile actor in the history of film, and everyone remembers him for portraying an aging Jedi who could have been played by any British guy over fifty. Guinness was a brilliant comic actor! Peter Sellers learned at his feet. You should see Lavender Hill Mob, or Kind Hearts and Coronets."

"You just made me think of another spec for the perfect woman. I like someone who isn't afraid to defend an opinion."

"Is your perfect woman a neat freak or slob?"

"I can't handle a slob."

"Ugh, me neither."

"Chaise, what about sex?"

"Now, Jeff? I guess the restaurant bathroom might work..."

"Ha! I mean, sex is important, right? The ad should get at sexual compatibility."

"Ha ha! Yeah, I knew what you meant, and I make funny jokes like that sometimes. 'The bathroom might be free.' I crack myself up. Um... what do you mean by sexual compatibility?"

"That she really likes sex, you know? She isn't inhibited or guilty about it, and is adventurous."

"Adventurous? Like a woman who yells 'yee-ha!' while riding a Sybian -- marking each toe-curling climax by thwacking the pale flesh of her own ass with a riding crop?"

"I was thinking maybe she would let me tie her up sometime, but I'm open-minded. What's a Sybian?"

"It's not important. Hmm... I think it's hard to get at sexual compatibility in an ad without being pornographic. I'll think on it. How about appearance?"

"I'm not too worried about that."

"Bullshit, Jeff. You've been dating actresses and models."

"And they're boring. Look, sure, I like a gorgeous woman as much as the next guy, but the other stuff is more important, so long as she's minimally attractive."

"Women will love to hear that. 'I find you minimally attractive.'"

"I'm being honest."

"Of course you are. What's attractive? Not too fat?"

"I like curves."

"You're all about that bass?"

"More like cello."

"You mean you'll tolerate a size four rather than hold out for a size two?"

"You're getting defensive. Look, all that stuff about men setting beauty standards that are only obtainable via anorexia? It's nonsense. Look at the cover of men's magazines - the women are usually curvy. Toothpick-women thrive on the covers of women's magazines. You gals do that body-image shit to yourselves."

"Guys don't think Victoria's Secret models are hot?"

"Of course they do. But they'd be hotter if they ate an occasional burrito. Guys also think Kate Upton and Jennifer Lawrence are hot."

"Don't men have any responsibility for beauty standards?"

"Blame us for boobs -- not bulimia."

"Ha! Okay, when does curvy become fat? I think we need a reference point. Take me for example. Am I what you consider to be 'minimally attractive'?"

"Chaise, I'm uncomfortable commenting on an employee's appearance."

"I asked, and we're off the clock."

"Alright. You're an example of what I'm talking about -- gorgeous and wonderfully curvy. I probably shouldn't tell you this, but every time you wear your blue sweater, Rajiv sends out an alert to every guy in the building. The subject line just says 'Code Blue'."

"My blue sweater? You mean the scoop-neck cashmere one I wore yesterday?"

"I... uh... think so."

"I'm going to kick Rajiv's ass so hard he'll spend the next week coughing up Violet Vixen toenail polish."

"You're blushing."

"I was wondering why I had so many guys visiting my cubicle yesterday for grammar advice."

"Err..."

"Wait! You visited my cubicle yesterday! You asked about subjunctives!"

"It was a crisis."

"A grammar crisis?"

"We're drifting off topic. It's not whether I care about appearance. I do. But, it's like database query logic. I'll find a better result faster if I index on personality, rather than if I index on looks. It's a much more efficient way to search. For me, at least."

"The erotic heat of your database metaphor is charring my panties."

"You're mocking me."

"A little. They're only smoldering."

"I can't help how I think. Anyway, I'll settle for minimally attractive. If she happens to be as hot as someone like you, that would be awesome."

"How about other things? Height?"

"I don't want to have to look up at her when she wears heels."

"I wish I had that problem with the occasional guy. How about things like glasses? Are they a disqualifier?"

"Glasses are hot. I love it when a woman removes them during intimate moments. It feels like she's intellectually undressing herself. Yeah -- like the way you just did with your glasses."

"Oh! Um... our conversation about glasses made me realize I needed to clean mine. Okay, I think I have your ad. How about this? 'Successful Silicon Valley entrepreneur, socially awkward but far better looking than anyone this intelligent and self-absorbed has any right to be -- seeks nymphomaniacal she-geek for conversational nerdgasms between frenzied orgasms. Must pick up your own socks.'"

"..."

"Jeff? You aren't saying anything. What do you think?"

"That's it?"

"I'll type it up and wordsmith it before sending it, but yeah."

"You distilled our entire conversation down to that?"

"Good writing is succinct."

"It seems different from most dating ads I've seen."

"Most dating ads suck."

"Chaise, you called me socially awkward and self-absorbed. I'm not sure I like that."

"Any smart woman will realize that within five minutes of meeting you. Some women like guys like that, or at least we know we can tolerate those traits if he has other virtues, like a good heart, a sharp mind, and an ass you could use for bouncing quarters. Err... as, um.. hypothetical examples of why women might want a hypothetical guy like that. Not you. Um... hypothetically."

"You think I'm self-absorbed?"

"Our entire conversation has been about you."

"We talked about you for a bit."

"When I forced you to answer whether you found me attractive."

"Point taken, I guess. But I'm not sure this is representative. Sonja, my best friend in college, said she could always tell I liked a girl when I started asking the girl about herself."

"There may be hope for you."

"Do you really think it's a good idea to lead with my weaknesses?"

"'Successful Silicon Valley entrepreneur' is the lead, and it's a hell of an attention-getter around here, where women know what it means. Following it with some self-deprecation is reassuring -- it makes you approachable, telling her you don't take yourself too seriously."

"Hmm. What was the next thing? 'Frenetic orgasms?"

"'Frenzied'. I thought about 'frenzied fucking', but it's too much. Yeah, I like that sentence. Sexuality and erudition have a glorious synergy for your type of woman"

"My type of woman?"

"'Nymphomaniacal she-geeks'. They'll find that language hot. Trust me."

"The whole thing seems rather... blunt."

"Just like you. I could've written something to make you sound like a priapic Lord Byron, but that's not you. You should try to attract a woman who'll be charmed by you, not by someone you are pretending to be."

"That makes sense, but the ad seems more designed to frighten than to attract."

"The point of a spec is to exclude as well as include."

"But what if no one replies?"

"I'll guarantee you get at least one good response. If not, I'll refund my entire writing fee. Hey, put down that bill! I just made a thousand bucks tonight. I can get the check for the meal, and deduct it from my taxes."

"Fair enough. Okay, I trust your advice. Send me the text, please, so I can post it tonight."

"Sure. To which matchmaking site are you posting this?"

"OKYenta.com. Why do you ask?"

"Just curious."

"Chaise, you're sure at least one interesting woman will respond?"

"Jeff, I just told you -- I guarantee it."

February 9th

"Chaise! Have a seat. You like Merlot, right? Let me pour you a glass."

"Thanks, Jeff. I've never eaten lunch here. I've heard the artichoke pizza is a foodgasm. Is this about the computer dating again?"

"Yeah, you're the only one who knows about my ad, and I hoped you wouldn't mind giving more advice."

"Sure. Any responses yet?"

"You were right about 'Successful Silicon Valley entrepreneur' getting attention. I got hundreds of responses, but most had nothing to recommend them other than adding to my new collection of nude selfies."

"Nothing worthwhile?"

"Just one. That's what I wanted to talk to you about."

"Yeah?"

"She seems almost perfect. I've exchanged a dozen emails and texts with her. She's funny and flirty, and she might even be able to out-geek me. You were wrong, by the way. You said I wouldn't find a woman into militaristic science fiction, but she's read Starship Troopers, Dune, and Forever War."

"I said you would be unlikely to meet a woman who liked such books. Did she actually like them?"

"Well, no, but that was fun. We argued about them, and I convinced her to try John Scalzi, in exchange for me agreeing to read some Gene Wolfe."

"She has exquisite taste."

"She wants to meet."

"And?"

"Um... it's weird. She calls it a 'blind date'. Listen to this: 'I have a fantasy about meeting a man for the first time in the dark, where we spend hours exploring each other without visual distractions -- where we lose ourselves within our more physical, senses. I feel such a strong connection with you that I'm daring to see if I can live this fantasy. I want you to get us a hotel room tonight. Make sure the room can be made completely dark inside. I'll arrive at eight and knock three times. Ensure the room is lightless, then unlock the door, and face away. I'll enter, and we'll spend our time together in complete darkness. Our other senses and our own imaginations will collude to make the experience an unforgettable one, reshaping the experience within our memory in countless ways. Whatever happens will happen, but the lights must stay off until after I leave. If you promise me this, we'll meet tonight. Yours in the shadows, Thea."