Both Sides Now

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Pat tries to find a life & love after a medical mistake.
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jackie_em
jackie_em
1,553 Followers

Note: This is a long story, and while it does have some sex, there is only a little and the story is not centered around the sex. It is primarily about the issues of a person coping with issues related to a non-consensual gender reassignment, and includes lesbian relationships. Pat tries to put a life back together again and find love after a life changing event.

Copyright 2013 - All rights reserved

...

But now old friends are acting strange,

They shake their heads, they say I've changed.

Joni Mitchell - Both Sides Now

Pat Thomas woke up in the spare bedroom. He slept there last night after he and Sherrie had an argument. Once dressed, Pat grabbed his bag and headed out to the pool. He and his old college friend Bob met once or twice a week to swim laps and compete against each other.

Pat was 27 and about 5'8" and a very fit 140 pounds. He had dark hair and a somewhat androgynous face. Bob was about 6' and 170 pounds, also very fit, just not the naturally talented swimmer that Pat was. They did a best of three races, and Pat won all three, which was pretty normal. Once in a while Bob might take a race, he seldom won a best of three. After they finished, they showered and dressed, Pat in business casual attire, Bob in a coat and tie.

"Okay. You beat me, but I'll get you next time."

"You always say that, but you never do."

"I've beaten you several times."

"Sure. When I was coming down with the flu. And again when I pulled a shoulder muscle."

"Always have an excuse, don't you?"

"For those very few times I lose, you bet."

"Still shaving your body hair, aren't you?"

"Gives me that extra split second. And I'll take every advantage I can get."

"So I owe you another beer."

"Man, you have to swim faster. At this rate, I'll become an alcoholic."

"Sherrie won't let that happen."

"God. Don't start about Sherrie."

"What now?"

"What else? The same as usual. I spend too much time at the pool, too much time having beer with friends. Anything I do is too much time, except what she wants."

"Great picture of marriage there."

"It wasn't always this way. You know that. It's just gotten worse over the last year or so. She seems unhappy with whatever I do, unless it's her idea."

"So what are you going to do?"

"I don't know. Divorce? We sure can't keep going on like this. And I can't figure out how to make her happy without becoming a worm."

"Maybe she wants you to be more macho."

"You know I've never gone in for that macho crap. That's not who I am. And if Sherrie doesn't like who I am, then maybe divorce is the answer. Besides, I've tried pushing back - she just screams louder."

"How do you think Sherrie would react to a divorce?"

"Her screaming now is nothing compared with what it would be if I asked for a divorce."

"You have a tough choice regardless."

"I don't even know what I want - except something - anything different. I don't know that my marriage was ever based on love, but at least it felt comfortable."

"No love - that's sad."

"Now it isn't even that. My marriage won't ever go back to what it was, but I can't live with what it is now. I don't know how to fix it. I don't even know how to make it tolerable."

"It won't be an easy ride."

"Change has never been easy for me. But even if I hate it, something has to change."

Bob notices some water on the floor. "What happened to the floor here?"

"Oh, shit." Pat slips, falls, and hits his head. He does not get up. Bob bends over Pat. Bob yells to one of the employees.

"Charlie! Call an ambulance. Now."

...

In a hospital room, a feminine looking person, Patty sits in bed, as a nurse walks in. Patty is 5'7" and about 135 pounds with dark hair. The nurse looks at a chart then speaks to Patty.

"Thomas Patrick?"

"I go by Patty."

"All right, Mr. Patrick."

"Please call me 'Miss'."

"Sorry, Miss Patrick. Did you receive a call from Doctor Samuels?"

Patty is very concerned at that. "No. Why? Is there a problem??

"Doctor Samuels will explain."

The phone rings, and the nurse exits. Patty answers the phone to speak with Dr. Samuels.

"Patty. How are you doing?"

"Why aren't you here? What's the matter?"

"I'm afraid I broke my leg skiing."

Patty is very upset. "I have to delay?"

"I can't be back in time, and can't stand on my feet long enough to complete the surgery properly."

"Please don't make me delay. Isn't there any alternative?"

"I have a colleague - Dr. Abrams. He has every bit as much experience at this as I do. He'll be in town in time for the operation. Is that what you want?"

"But is he as good as you?"

"As much as I hate to admit it, he might be the slightest bit better. He truly is an artist at this."

"You really are confident in him?"

"I wouldn't trust you to anyone else - besides myself, of course."

"Let's do it then."

"If I were going to have a gender correction, Abrams is who I'd pick to do it. And I'll be back in town within a day, and I'll come by and make sure everything is fine."

"Will I get a chance to meet him?"

"Probably not. By the time he gets to the hospital and has a chance to review my documentation, you'll be in pre-op. But don't worry. This guy is great.

I wish you were here."

"So do I. But everything will be fine. Abrams really is one of the best. I wouldn't trust you to anyone less."

...

Pat is wheeled into hospital admitting on a gurney by two EMTs. Bob follows. Pat is a bit groggy. "Bob, really. I'm fine."

"You're a number cruncher - not a doctor."

"Like being a podiatrist makes you the expert?"

"It means I've at least studied this shit."

"Whatever."

"You fell and hit your head and were out cold. You probably have a concussion. We just don't know how bad. And I'm not losing a best friend and swimming partner because he's too stubborn to take care of himself."

"It isn't necessary. I feel stupid."

"Not half as stupid as I'd feel if I let you leave and you died of a cerebral hemorrhage."

Bob's phone rings, he pulls it out and looks at it. "Shit. Pat, I forgot I have to perform a foot operation. I'll take care of that and be back to check on you in a couple of hours."

"Love me and leave me. The story of my life."

Pat is wheeled out of sight. Bob shows ID to nurse. "His name is Thomas. Patrick Thomas."

Bob leaves admitting. The nurse keys into the computer. "Thomas Patrick."

A wrist band is printed and the attendant goes back to the examining room with docs, and puts the hospital wristband on Pat's wrist. Pat is still somewhat groggy. The attending nurse takes the docs and starts to check Pat out.

"I'm going to prep you, Mr. Patrick."

"Is all this really necessary?"

"Just relax. Sign your release, and we'll take care of you."

The nurse hands Pat the paperwork, which he signs, and lays back.

"I'll check the doctor's instructions and get you ready."

Nurse scans the wrist band. Walks over and connects to a computer. She reviews the screen and mutters to herself. "Thomas Patrick. I'll be damned. I'd never have guessed that. Whatever."

Nurse gets anesthesia drip. Puts needle in Pat's arm.

"What's this for?"

"Prep. Doctor's instructions."

...

In the operating room that afternoon, Pat is unconscious on the operating table. Doctor Patel & nurses prepare for surgery. Doctor Abrams walks in, and Patel looks at him.

"Doctor Abrams, the patient is prepped and ready."

"Good." Abrams looks over Pat. "Slightly atypical for a gender correction. No body or facial hair, but it looks like she had facial feminization and Adam's apple shaved. Still I'd have expected more secondary female characteristics from the hormone treatments."

"No mammary development at all."

"I suppose she may have had little mammary development from hormones. Unusual, but not impossible."

"Samuels generally knows what he's doing."

"I read over his docs. He seems to have vetted it properly, and I owe him one. Let's make this boy into the best girl we possibly can."

...

In a hospital room that evening, Pat awakens from surgery, as Margaret waits. Margaret is late 40s in business skirt, blouse, and jacket. Abrams sits nearby, looking very pained. Margaret speaks to Pat.

"Patrick Thomas? I'm an administrator at the hospital and a psychiatrist."

"Why is an administrator here to see me?"

"I'm sorry I have to tell you this, but there's been a serious problem."

"What kind of a problem?"

"You were misidentified as another patient. The other patient was scheduled for surgery. You received the surgical procedure that they should have gotten."

"What surgery was that?"

Margaret is hesitant as she speaks. "The other patient was scheduled for gender correction surgery."

"Gender correction surgery?"

"In layman's terms, a sex change."

"Do you mean..."

"You now have female genitalia."

Pat appears shocked and upset. "Is this some kind of joke? Are you trying to prank me?"

Abrams looks down sadly before Margaret continues. "I really wish that were the case."

"This is outrageous."

"You have every right to be upset."

"Damned right I do. What do you intend to do about it?"

"We'll do whatever we can to mitigate the damage, but there are limits as to what we're capable of."

"How could this even happen?"

"Your name is Patrick Thomas, and the other patient was Thomas Patrick. A copy of the other patient's wrist band was put on you by mistake."

"That's unacceptable."

"It is unacceptable, and the person responsible has been fired. We'll compensate you for your loss, and do whatever we can to make it right for you.

"How could you even mistake me for a sex change patient?"

"They come in more shapes and sizes than you might suspect, but that was inexcusable sloppiness by everyone concerned."

"You have to reverse it."

"I wish it were that easy. The surgery is irreversible. The male genitalia were rebuilt into female genitalia using that tissue."

"So unbuild it and rebuild it the way it was."

"It's not that simple. I wish it was. I'd love to be able to tell you that we could put you back into surgery and put everything back the way it was. But we can't unscramble an egg. And there are structures that we can't properly duplicate. We can build something that pretty much looks and works like what you had. But it won't be exactly the same."

"So what am I supposed to do, just stay like this? Mutilated?"

"From a medical standpoint, you're not mutilated, you're transgender. You have perfectly fine genitalia, just different from what you had before."

"Perfectly fine to you, maybe."

"We can and will do the other operations, but your body and those tissues first need to heal. And you need to know what to reasonably expect from the surgery."

"How long will that take, and what can I expect?"

"We need some time for everything to heal before we go operating on that area again, probably six months, preferably a year."

"Six months to a year? Are you kidding?"

"If we try anything much sooner, there could be complications. That would be for a first operation. Then a year later there would need to be a second operation to install an implant."

"Two years? And why do I need an implant?"

"You wouldn't be able to have sex without it. There might need to be additional operations, since implants don't last forever and could have issues."

"That's worse than nothing at all."

"Most female to male transgender people consider it an improvement, though many don't opt for surgery."

"What about a transplant? They can transplant all kinds of things."

"We could try that. There have been a few experimental transplants. Not always with much success at this point. Beyond the standard problems with rejection and finding a suitable donor, patients have also had psychological issues. Genitalia are not just another body part. To many men, they are very much identified with who they are. And yours would be more complicated than most."

"Because of my surgery."

"Some medically successful procedures have had to be reversed for psychological reasons. Others did not result in functional organs - just being completely honest."

"Those are pretty shitty options."

"And it's a pretty shitty situation. But you deserve an honest and accurate look at your options. Lousy as they may be."

"So now I'm supposed to be a woman."

"Your gender is who you are, not what your body parts are. You've lived your life as a man. There is no reason you can't continue to live as a man, regardless of when or if you have more surgery.

"You've destroyed my life."

"Your body has been changed, but your life is what you make of it. As I said, your gender is not defined by what is between your legs."

"That's easy for you to say. I'm the one living with it."

"We want to do right by you, but we aren't God, and can't make everything exactly as it was."

"What do you expect me to do?"

"We'll do everything we can for you. You can have a life, including a sex life.

"I have to think about this."

"As well you should. We can talk more about your options."

...

Pat calls Sherrie at home. Sherrie is cold and distant as she talks to Pat.

"I thought you'd have been here by now."

"I can't look at you. I know what they did."

"I'm still Pat. I'm still your husband."

Sherrie is hesitant. "I'm sorry. I can't... I can't deal with having a woman for a husband."

Pat is shocked. "Sherrie?"

"I can't take this."

"What do you mean?"

"Our marriage had problems before, but it just won't work at all now. I called the lawyers already - one, to file suit against that hospital, the other, to file for divorce."

"Nothing like kicking me in the balls now."

"I just can't be married to a woman, or to whatever it is you've become. And I want to have a family, and you can't give me a family."

Pat is cold and has an edge to her voice. "At least I know where I stand."

"Please don't call. I can't handle this. My lawyer will handle any communications. I'm sorry, Pat. Goodbye."

...

Pat sits up in bed in the hospital room, while Margaret sits in an adjacent chair. Pat is depressed and withdrawn.

"I know this has been a shock to you."

"I'll never be a real man again. I'm stuck this way."

"Whether or not you are a real man depends on what's in your head, not what's between your legs. And you aren't stuck that way, you could have the operations."

"And two years later, I'd have something like those disturbing photos you showed me."

"If you don't want the operations, you could keep the genitalia you have. As long as you keep your pants on, no one will know the difference."

"I'll know the difference. It isn't the same and we both know it."

"The only other real alternative is to take hormones live as a woman. And I don't think that's a good choice for you."

"So I can be a fake man, or half man, or a woman."

"That's not a fair description. But no, it isn't a great choice."

"It's hardly a choice at all."

"We could look at the transplant possibility. It's experimental and hard to get permission, but we'd find some way."

"I'm not sure I want some other guy's 'thing' between my legs. And I'd have to take drugs the rest of my life to keep it from turning black and falling off - if it even worked."

"The choice is yours - it has to be yours. We want to do what you think is right for you."

"What about accepting being a woman?"

"I don't think that's a good choice for you. You've lived your life as a man. You have no idea socially, psychologically, or emotionally what it's like being a woman."

"I don't like the other choices."

"That can be a very hard road. You need to think very long and hard before you do that."

"But you do that sort of thing, and help people through that?"

"Yes, and it is more accepted now than ten or twenty years ago, but there are still a lot of problems for people who do that."

"I'm stuck half way there for a year or more, and two years before I could be at all functional."

"You've lived your whole life as a male. Why wouldn't you want to continue that way?"

"It doesn't feel right now. I'll never be the man I was before."

"Your gender is more than your genitalia. Besides, people know you as a male. They won't necessarily know what you're like down there unless you tell them."

"And what happens when I meet someone I'm attracted to?"

"There are women who would be okay with the way you are."

"But if I went all the way to being a woman, with hormones and such."

"Given your appearance, you could pass as a woman, and be in a lesbian relationship, but some are hostile to a male to female transgender."

"More than would be to someone who looks like a male, but has female genitals?"

"It's very different to live as a woman, in more ways than you can understand right now."

"Don't you help people through that too?"

"Usually only those who have a strong urge to transition. Do you really want to wear female clothing or wear makeup, for instance?"

"I've seen lesbians who don't dress feminine or wear makeup."

"Let's give you psychological tests. And I want you to think long and hard about what you really want. You have a hard road regardless, and I don't want make it harder."

Later on, Margaret and Abrams sit in her office.

"How is our patient progressing?"

"How would you be in their situation?"

"Not good at all."

"And neither is Pat."

"And the mental state?"

"Better than most under the circumstances. But still not good."

"And will the patient adjust?"

"I think so. But it won't be quick or easy."

"So what do we do?"

"Give Pat the best psychological care we can. Move them to the long term residence facility adjacent. Give them whatever medical care they choose."

"The wife has filed suit already. Luckily her lawyer hasn't publicized it."

"If we offer enough up front to them both, we could at least keep it quiet and avoid a court case."

"I don't want this in the news."

...

In physical therapy a female therapist stands with Pat near treadmill.

"All right Miss Thomas, we need to start your therapy."

Pat reacts to being called 'Miss', and makes a face. "Please just call me Pat. And I'm not comfortable being called 'Miss'."

"All right, Pat. We'll just need to distinguish you from Patty." Therapist nods in the direction of Patty, who is on the other side of the room.

"What's she here for?"

"Same thing as you. We'll have you do a little easy walking to work out the soreness and stiffness of the operation. Then I need to go over the instructions for the care of the affected area.

"You mean my...?"

"Exactly, I'll get some directions for dilation, along with some equipment, and we'll go over it all. Don't worry, though it might seem a little embarrassing the first time."

Pat gets on treadmill. Therapist walks over to talk to Patty, then goes to get the materials she needs. Patty walks over to Pat. Pat looks somewhat suspiciously at Patty.

"So you got the operation that I was scheduled for."

Pat looks a little shocked. "Not that I wanted it."

"I'm sorry. Transitioning is hard enough when you want it. I can't imagine dealing with it if you didn't."

"So did you get your surgery?"

"Later that day. So what are you going to do?"

"I'm considering living as a woman."

"Are you sure that's what you want? Who's working with you?"

"Margaret."

"She can see you through. She's been there herself."

"What do you mean?"

"She's transgender."

Pat is startled. "But she never..."

"One doesn't necessarily go around telling everyone. Still, if you need a girlfriend to help you, you can call on me too. God knows, I've been there."

"I still haven't decided for sure what I'm doing, but thank you."

"Take care, girl."

jackie_em
jackie_em
1,553 Followers