Brownwood: Hedge Funds Ch. 02

It was at that moment, I stopped trying to justify my feelings. My feelings were still there and just as intense as before but I understood the reason. I'd opened this door into hell and now the demons were loose in my marriage.

David took a deep breath and continued.

"Tori was beautiful, sexy and several years older. More importantly, she was very, very experienced. The fact that she loved sex and enjoyed teaching those who were willing to learn, well, that made her perfect.

"She was so full of life and wanted to show me things I'd only ever heard of. There were certain things I wasn't interested in but she never let it disappoint her. She just went on to something else. She'd continually surprise me. One time it was light bondage, another was the various uses of a feather, still another centered on the usually forgotten sexual areas of a woman.

"Going out with her in Atlanta, was always an adventure. She was very much into exhibitionism and public sex. Under her, both literally and figuratively, I became a better lover, at least technically.

"With those two objectives addressed, I turned my attention to the third and final one. This one was more difficult. I knew I still loved Sarah, or at least I thought I did. I had such strong feelings for her but I was torn by what I was doing. My head understood my logic but my heart questioned it. How could I be having an affair and still claim to love my wife?

"My answer came when I met Anna Marie. Where Leigh and Tori were just sex, Anna Marie reminded me what making love felt like. The first time we ended up in bed together was a surprise. I intended it to be like the others but she wasn't having any of that. She engulfed me with her body along with her passion. When we were through, I left quietly.

"The truth was, she scared me. I knew immediately I could fall for this woman but that was unacceptable. Over the months I've traveled to Phoenix, we've only made love a few times. This last time..."

He turned and stared directly into my eyes.

"This last time we didn't make love. Whether you believe me or not, I ended the affair. I won't tell you I don't have feelings for her and her kids, but they're not the same as I have for you and our children.

"The answer she gave me was that I was still in love with my wife. It wasn't the same as it was before but it was still there and it was still strong.

"It took me a little time but I realized the love I have for Anna Marie is as a friend, albeit one with benefits. Given time and attention it could've grown into much more."

David took a deep breath and stared into my eyes.

"Sweetheart, I can honestly stand here and tell you I love you. It'll never be the same but I do still love you. Is that enough? I don't know but I'm willing to try until the children leave home. After that, we can re-evaluate the marriage.

"I realize you're angry right now. But if you feel my solution was too extreme, I'd remind you that my three affairs should be compared to your two."

"Two?" I asked confused and still shaken. "I never had a second affair."

"Perhaps," he said cautiously watching me closely.

"I'd like to propose something to you though. I've found a potentially very profitable business opportunity. However, to make it work, I'll need to move Anna Marie and her kids here to Dallas. It's a floral business she could manage and make both her and us a lot of money.

"Being the primary investor, I'll need to work closely with her in the beginning but it shouldn't take very long before she'll be able to handle it on her own. We may need to put them up for a couple of weeks before we can get them settled into their own place.

"I realize it'll be difficult but the payout could be very high. Well sweetheart, what do you think?"

He stared at me waiting on my response. It took me a second since I had to pick my jaw up off the floor.

"I think that's insane!" I finally said, my rage starting to boil.

"I know it'll be awkward at first," he rushed. "But I promise you, there won't be anything more than business between us. Sarah, the potential for success is incredible!"

"David," Raymond interrupted frowning heavily. "Is this a joke?"

Dammit, I started crying again. I couldn't believe my so called 'loving husband' could be as cruel and heartless as to propose this.

"Yes," he said coldly, "it was a joke. But I wanted to make a point."

"David," I said wiping away the tears. "That wasn't funny."

"No, it sure as hell wasn't," he growled. "But that's exactly what you've been doing to me for four years!

"How many times have I shaken that asshole's hand at some company function while he secretly laughed at me? Or, he stood there smiling, knowing the intimate sounds you make moments before you orgasm or your soft satisfied giggle afterwards? I'd even welcomed the bastard into my home several times before I knew of your betrayal. Each day you shared your little secret with him at your stupid, cuckolded husband's expense.

"At least with Anna Marie, you'll both know where you stand. You'll be able to look her in the eyes as an equal. That's something your lies denied me."

"Honey," I pleaded. "It wasn't like that."

"Sarah, you've lied to me for the past several years. How can I believe anything you'd say about your affair now?"

I sat staring at him, silently pleading for him to stop. Slowly, his rage at his own humiliation dissipated.

"Why did you lie to me for four years if your affair was completely over?"

"I told you," I said softly. "I couldn't bear the thought of hurting you. I also didn't want to take the chance that you'd divorce me and split our family apart. I know it was selfish..."

"Yes, it was," he interrupted. "But there's more to it than just that. I believe the main reason was because you were afraid if I knew about Hughes, I would've demanded you not work with him. I'm sure you suspected I might threaten to divorce you if you didn't quit or at least transfer to a different department. I also suspect you realized I'd be finding a way to bring that asshole down. That's something that would affect your other affair. The affair you were having with your career.

"I know you might not consider it an affair but I do. It became an affair as soon as you put its success above our marriage. I'm not talking about the kind of jobs that interfere with a marriage. Those are a fact of life, necessary to put food on the family table. I'm talking about those jobs or careers someone pursues regardless of what it'll do to their marriage or family. Sarah, I believe your career is more important to you than I am and I believe your actions validate that.

"Don't believe me?" he said, his voice cracking with anger. "Then consider this..."

"For your career you forfeited time with your family... time with me. For your career you lied to me for years. For your career you continued to work side-by-side with your ex-lover knowing how stupid and dangerous it was. For four years Sarah, you've protected your career at the cost of our marriage. That sounds like an affair to me.

"So, if you're thinking my solution was too excessive, make sure you compare it to all your actions. I did what I did to give this marriage a chance. It was a calculated risk but if I hadn't done it, I would've divorced you already. Now, there's a small chance we can survive this but only if you're willing to do what you were asking me to do... forgive and find a way to move on as husband and wife.

"Sweetheart, I realized at the beginning you could never handle the threat of me having an affair, so I had one before you could confess. Since you never chose to confess it to me, I ended up having three affairs.

"Now, when we're lying together after making love, you too can wonder, like I did, if your spouse is basking in the afterglow or thinking of someone else. You'll actually know how it feels to not measure up physically to my past lover. I'm sorry Sarah, but even in the great shape you're in, you can't compete with an athletic, twenty-something whose eleven years younger.

"When we try something sexually we've never done together before, you'll actually have the same concerns I did. You'll get to wonder if I'd practiced it with someone else before doing it with you.

"And finally, you'll get to experience the same insecurities of wondering if you have my love or if I have given it to someone else. While I'm lying there fearing you're longing for the excitement of your affair or Mark's big cock, you'll be wondering if I'm fantasizing about Leigh's youthfulness, or Tori's experience, or Anna Marie's passion.

"If this is too much for you, I'll certainly understand. Like I said, I knew this was a calculated risk. I'm willing to try to make this marriage work, but if you want a divorce I won't fight it."

"That's so noble of you," I said disgusted, my anger building. "It's not like you've left me much of a choice. You hold the future of my career in your hands. Our money is who knows where and if we were to divorce, I'd stand the chance of losing one or both of my children!"

He snarled and said sarcastically, "I'm sorry I'm not making the option of throwing me away easy for you. But I thought you said youwantedto give this marriage another chance!"

We both stared at each other, lost in our frustration and fury. Finally, David sighed and leaned back.

"Listen, sweetheart, you're beautiful and I doubt seriously you'll be alone for very long unless you choose to be. And even if you lost your job, you'll receive alimony payments that'll still allow you to survive well until you get back on your feet. You certainly won't be poor.

"Also you need to know, I'll be suing your company. Whether it's for their contribution to our divorce or on grounds of sexual harassment since Hughes is your supervisor, will be determined on what you choose. Either way, I suspect there could be some form of settlement.

"Sarah, you've always sold yourself short concerning your job. I understand you and that guy made a good team but you're extremely talented, even on your own.

"Unfortunately, as for our children... a divorce will hurt them no matter how we try to protect them. Having to choose who to live with will tear them apart. There's no choice that won't cause them pain and bury them in guilt for some time.

"Sweetheart, you're absolutely right. I tried to make it easier for you to stay in the marriage than to end it. That's because I want this marriage to work.

"You see I am betting on this marriage. But since I don't know how you'll respond, I'vehedgedmy bets. The choice really is up to you, Sarah. I've already decided, now it's your turn."

****

The days after our last session were chaotic, an emotional rollercoaster. I bounced between wanting to throw what was left of my marriage into the garbage and wanting to crawl into my husband's arms and beg him to tell me it was going to be all right.

I'd convinced David to give me a little time to work through this. He delayed going after Mark's job and ultimately mine as well.

Things were tense with Mark at work, as I expected they would be. After my call that weekend, he knew the ax was hovering above him and was waiting for it to fall. Patience wasn't one of his strengths.

We had more than one overly aggressive 'team meeting.' It was obvious to my coworkers something was wrong. Equally as obvious was the fact my life was about to change, dramatically.

I needed to figure out what I wanted to do if I was going to have any input in how it changed. What I wanted was for the love of my life to hold me and to make this whole nightmare go away. My actions and then his made that impossible.

I knew I still loved him, but could I find a way to get past his revenge? Could I do what I'd asked him to do... forgive? I knew neither of us would ever forget since the scars would always be there.

I considered my choices carefully, and like the design engineer I am, I searched for workable solutions.

The first solution and initially the easiest, was a divorce. It would hurt my children but then most of my choices would. The strength of this option was that I could come back to it later if I needed.

Another possibility was to stay in the marriage and make him pay for his revenge. I had no doubt we could get into a battle of paybacks. I tried to imagine a lifetime of trying to hurt each other and cringed. I hated even the thought of this one. In the end, I'd be nothing but a bitter old woman regardless of what happened to David.

Next, I could stay in the marriage until I found someone else to replace David. I didn't like this option because it would make me more of what I'd already been, a cheating wife. I also knew David wasn't stupid. He'd be able to tell something wasn't right and since his trust was gone, he'd be looking. The only reason he hadn't suspected my affair before was because he loved me so much that he wasn't looking for it. The fact it was short lived and I'd spent the last few years showing him I loved him had helped as well.

Well there it is, the thing that makes this so damn difficult.I loved my husband and even with everything that's happened, I still loved him. I was angry and hurt and guilty and scared but beneath all of that was my love for David. It was damaged, bruised and scarred for life but it was still there.

That left me with the option he said he'd hoped I'd choose, the one where we'd stay together, at least for a while. It was the one where we'd try to find a way to rebuild the marriage. It was also, by far, the most difficult.

I made my decision while I was sleeping. I woke in the middle of the night, afraid and alone after having a nightmare. I couldn't remember the specifics of the dream. All I knew was I wanted to be held... to be loved and protected. I wanted David.

I got up and without thinking, put on my favorite robe. It was old and ratty but was warm and comforting. I quietly opened my bedroom door and silently tip-toed down the hall to the guest room where he was staying.

So what was I hoping for? I needed to talk to him, to hear his voice. I wanted to feel safe and to believe tomorrow might be better than today. Okay, I wasn't thinking clearly because I was still half-asleep.

I reached out and turned the doorknob. I was surprised to find his door unlocked. I froze and then slowly turned the doorknob back, trying to be as quiet as possible. I stood there, staring at his bedroom door fighting the emotions that were raging inside me.

I hated feeling this way. I wanted to make my choice and be done with it, but I was stuck. I was afraid to open the door but I was equally afraid to walk away from it. Thankfully, fate stepped in.

I don't know how long I'd been standing there but my heart stopped when he opened the door. Without saying a word, I stared at him, searching his eyes for something... anything... to rest my hope upon. I needed something concrete to justify my soon leap of faith. He slowly stepped forward and took me into his arms.

I sobbed as he held me. With one hand I softly beat on his chest and with the other, pulled him as close as possible. He didn't speak a word. When I was done, he released me but I clung to him with everything I had. I'd found my rock again.

"Don't," I begged. "Please, don't let go."

He held me tightly until there weren't any more tears.

"David," I said softly as I looked up into his eyes. "I don't want to sleep alone tonight."

The edges of his mouth curled slightly giving only a hint of a smile.

"Sarah," he whispered, gently lifting my chin with his hand. "Neither do I."

He leaned over and kissed me, gently at first and then with more passion as I responded in fashion. For a fraction of a second, he paused, I think he was trying to decide if he should lead me back to the master bedroom but I didn't give him a chance. I put both hands on his chest and pushed him back into the room.

When we got to the bed he untied my old robe and let it slip to the floor. I softly pushed him till he sat on the bed. Standing in front of him, I slowly pulled my nightgown, one of his old t-shirts, over my head. I stood in front of my husband in all my middle-aged glory.

My eyes were puffy and red and my nose was raw from the crying. My long hair wasn't brushed and looked like it had a mind of its own. I still had on my neon green, fuzzy slippers and I hadn't shaved my legs in days. To finish my sad little wardrobe, I was wearing my only pair of granny panties!Tomorrow was laundry day, great timing.Thankfully, I hadn't used a facial mask that night or he may've run away in terror.

To my astonishment I noticed how he was looking at me. His face showed a mixture of love and desire, all the while gazing at me as if I was some beauty queen. I'd forgotten how long it'd been since I'd felt beautiful, special, desired... loved.

I felt his gentle caresses as he drew me to him. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed my lips against his. His kisses reminded me it had been over a month since we'd had sex and even longer since we'd made love. My heart began to race and I felt myself grow moist as his hands explored my body.

As he lay me on the bed, he began to trail kisses down my throat, spending time worshipping each breast before beginning a slow journey down my stomach until he reached his desired destination. With each warm kiss and touch of his tongue, I began to lose myself. Within moments, I heard a low guttural moan and realized it was me!

Soon, I felt my mate, my lover, inside me as I wrapped myself around him. The feeling was overwhelming. It felt like... oh gawd... it felt like he was finally home.

I wish I could tell you we made wonderful, passionate love all night but we didn't. Each time we began to lose ourselves in our passion I'd pull back.

We'd be in the middle of an intimate moment and I'd imagine Leigh sitting atop my husband riding him with abandonment, or Tori leading him into some sexual fantasy, or Anna Marie's face as she completely gave herself to David. Each time it killed the mood and I'd have to fight back the anger or sadness.

It took more time and effort than ever before but I finally allowed David to drive me to orgasm. He tenderly stroked my hair while I rested against him, using his chest for a pillow. I fought back the fear and doubts until a single tear rolled off my cheek and fell on his chest.

"It gets easier," David said gently. "Give it time, sweetheart. I can promise you from experience... it gets easier."

I buried my face in his chest, realizing the damage I'd done to us and cried myself to sleep.

****

Epilog –

Summer 2014 – Brownwood

I'd like to say this past year was difficult but honestly... it's been hell. My marriage is still intact but it'll never be like it was. I think in some ways that's okay since the way it was didn't keep me from straying in the first place.

David filed a sexual harassment lawsuit against my company. The evidence he had from Chicago and the fact Mark was my immediate supervisor made the case potentially more successful. At least that's what David and his lawyers thought. Apparently, my company's lawyers thought so too since they ended up settling out of court. Well, actually they didn't settle but I ended up with a severance package that was unheard of. They avoided admitting any guilt and I was out of their hair.

Mark was terminated. I think he'd received only one paycheck as a vice president that he could call all his own. The lawsuit opened up a can of worms for him as several other women came forward with complaints.

Last I heard he'd moved out west. David had made good on his threat and Mark's once promising career was now in shambles. On top of it all, I heard some jealous husband had hurt Mark bad enough to put him in the hospital for several weeks. When I mentioned it to David he smiled coldly.