Caged

Bea retrieved the requested receptacle and handed it to Morticia.

"I want to look into my own eyes," Jocasta announced, "They say that the eyes are they windows of the soul."

"I don't know if that's such a good idea if you're going to ralph," Morticia warned.

"No, I feel a little better now," Jocasta said. "It's cool."

Morticia reluctantly grabbed Jocasta's eyeballs and pointed them at one another.

"Eeyew!," Jocasta exclaimed. "That's gross. Put 'em back in." Jocasta exclaimed.

Morticia dutifully replaced both spheres back in their sockets.

"Yeah, that's more like it," Jocasta said. "Go ahead, plow this field, fuck Mommy hard, my birthday boy.

"Whatever mommy wants, mommy gets," Jocasta said, as if she were auditioning for the part of Lola in Damn Yankees."

Joey shoved himself violently into her helpless body, and she screamed in delight and horror as her eyeballs were ejected out her sockets once again. As they dangled and swayed from left to right, she became highly nauseous once again and spewed bigtime into the proffered Whizzer barf bucket. She picked them up her dislocated orbs and replaced them in their sockets once again.

"Someone bring me a hand mirror. I want to see how I look." Jocasta said.

"I don't know if that's such a good idea," Aunt Bea said, but reluctantly handed her the requested reflective device.

"Eeyew," Jocasta said, taking in crusted blood and loose orbs. "Am I still pretty?"

"Sure you are." Morticia lied. All you need is a little mascara and some Ray Ban sunglasses."

"What if my eyes fall out again.?"

"Don't you worry your pretty, or at least quasi-acceptable, little head about that missy," Granny Yokum said. "Most of you young-uns have forgotten this, but chewin' tobacky can be used as a very effective ophthalmological glue.

The mono-toothed brujo spit some chaw into her hands and rubbed them together. She then took Jocasta's eyeballs into her mouth to cleanse them. She then rubbed the liquefied chaw on back halves of Jocasta's eyeballs with her hands and placed them into her skull. "There you go, missy. That'll keep them in their sockets until you can see the hillbilly ophthalmologist over in Hushpuppy Holler.

"And now for the task at hand," Aunt Bea said, clapping her hands over her head. "Resume your positions, gentleman. It's going to be a long and bumpy night, especially for you Joey." She sprayed something on Joey's mega-schlong.

"What the hell was that? " Joey asked.

"It's Tuf-skin," Aunt Jemima told him, "You're going to need all the help you can get, my baby.
All the help you can get. Mmm , mmm."

The stronger members of the assembled mob picked up Joey's giga-schlong like pallbearers at a sumo wrestler's funeral. They took a running start, and rammed it about 15 inches into Jocasta' snatch. They hauled off and rammed it in a good foot and a half into Jocasta's Tunnel of Love.

Joey took a peek back at the waiting line for a ride on the Joey train. Cousin Lurch Addams now held the number 25. He must have traded up, Joey thought. A chill ran up his spine when Morticia called out "Now serving number 25. Number 25." Joey also saw Uncle Vanya, and Uncle Remus, the clan's oral historian joining the line.

Lurch stepped forward, rubbing hid hands together. His 13-inch boner was no slouch, but was of course dwarfed by Joey's own monstrous phallus maximus. The only reason Lurch sported such a gargantuan stiffy was that Uncle Victor told Cousin Igor to find the biggest stiffy (as opposed to stiff) he could find in the coed graveyard of Our Lady of Pure Chastity Nunnery. If you doubt this, check out Madeline Kahn's vocalizations in Mel Brooks' classic documentary Young Frankenstein.".

The faux pallbearers pounded Joey's Tyrannosaur-bonker another foot into Jocasta's birth canal.

Just when it seemed things could not get more intense, Lurch rammed his own thick multiple-footer into Joey's arse, knocking the wind out of him. He took off his Stetson, waved it the air, and hollering, "Yippee Ki Yay" and began to ride Joey like a dime store plastic pony. Aunt Bea was right, this was going to be a long and bumpy ride. And whom did Lurch think he was fooling with that comb-over to hide that bolt in his neck?.

AWAKENING

After 20 or 30 hours of such unbridled Bacchanalia, the orgy participants trickled out (in many cases literally) of Bea's Garden of Earthly Delights, leaving Joey alone with his thoughts and twisted autoerotic fantasies.

Joey was only dimly aware of the events of the evening. He didn't know if the birthday orgy spanned a single day, a week, or even a month.

"Where have all the fuckers gone?" he mumbled. "Long time cumming. Young girls have porked them, everyone. Oh when will they ever learn?"

Joey squinted at the blinding steel of all the cum-dripping erotic equipment. He was all alone. the whole family tree had abandoned him.. Turn out the lights he thought. The party's over.. It's time to call it a day.

He thought his birthday party must have taken days and involved a cast of thousands. He had thought he had heard the incessant ka-ching of cash registers near the end. The clan must be pimping him out, he figured.

He looked around in the silence of the gleaming sadomasochistic and B&D equipment. Fuck this, he thought, He was outta there

THE SITUATION ROOM

He yelled "Open Sesame," but the barred doors did not move. "Well ain't this a fine kettle of fish," he thought. After a while, he turned on the 70-inch plasma TV, for company more than anything else. He was greeted by the perplexed visage of Wolf Blitzer.

"Excuse me, we have some breaking news-ah," the grizzly CNN anchor said. "As you all know, this is the fourth day since the aptly-named Joey Peckerwood, whom most of you know as the Boner Boy, disappeared-ah. We have here with us, Richard Quest, the bombastic Limey journalist who is still obsessed with the disappearance of Malaysian Airlines Flight 370-ah and is our expert on all things effervescent -ah."

"Richard what is your take on the continuing search, for Joey Peckerwood, the so-called Boner Boy-ah?"

"Well Wolf, police currently have no leads. They have staked out all the local McDonald's dumpsters on the theory that Mr. Peckerwood's mega-schwantz increases his basal metabolism and thus his energy requirements.

"There is one line of speculation that the porn star Long Dong Silver, who figured so prominently in the confirmation hearings for Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas and who has been said to be inconsolable the over the loss of his Guinness world record for longest muff. rammer, and may have done him harm."

"We have some tape on Joey Peckerwood's troubled childhood, which may throw the light on his disappearance as well as increasing our ratings-ah," Wolf said.

The voice of Oprah Winfrey took over the narration as the scene changed to Joey's first day his at a new school. Joey's face grew red as the other children laughed and pointed at his 'nads, which were housed in a burlap bag in a wheelbarrow that he pushed before him. To give you an idea of the teasing he faced every day, the 8th grade girls used him for a maypole. on the first day of spring.

"Here is Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson, to give you an idea o the true magnitude of Joey's mega-plonker."

"Thank you, Oprah. Joey's twizzler is the only mammalian organ to be visible from space."

"Why do you say mammalian organ?"

"There is a honey fungus in Oregon that is more than 2.4 miles across."

"But fungi are not mammals" Oprah protested. "Although I heard that you need a telescope to see from one end of Joey's schwantz to the other."

"I don't know where you heard that. But it seems an exaggeration," the host of cable TV's StarTalk said. "To be fair, It probably depends on which telescope you use. If you were to point the James Webb telescope at him, he's be in there somewhere, but it would be like trying to locate the needle of his bonga-bonga in in the haystack of the observable universe, which contains. in the words of my mentor Carl Sagan, billions and pahzillions of particles of star dust."

"Did you just say pahzillions?" Oprah asked the loquacious astronomer.

"Deedy I did," Tyson said.

Wolf Blitzer, the always befuddled CNN anchorman broke back into the conversation. "Excuse me, but we have breaking news on this story that we have been following all week-ah. We have here the grieving mother of the disappeared, and dinosaurian-schlonged Joey Peckerwood-ah. Let's listen in-ah.

Jocasta walked up to the bank of microphones. She sported wrap-around RayBan sunglasses, presumably to hide her so-recently emptied sockets.

Jake Tapper broke into the conversation. "Mrs. Peckerwood, you are clearly distraught. I can tell that from tears running down your cheeks. By way they appear to be scarlet, almost blood-like. What can you tell us about that?"

"It has been a hard week for all of us, Jake," Jocasta said, binge-dabbing her eyes with a Puffs, which she discarded into the large pile of crimson tissues already on the floor.

"It takes a lilly-livered, pusillanimous, yellow-bellied, sidewinder to do something like this. We all loved Joey," Jocasta told Tapper "Plus he represented an extremely valuable future revenue stream for all of the Peckerwood, Yokum, and Addams clans, in terms not only of birthday party shows, book signings, and appearances relating to his Guinness world record status, not to mention unclogging large septic pipes or the money were going to make by pimping him out now that he is legally an adult.

"What the fuck,?" Joey shouted. "I'm still here!" he yelled at the screen. He tried one last time, "Open Sesame" he instructed the recalcitrant hi-tech prison cell, which was met with no response once again. He knew that the doors would not open until the password matched one of the voiceprints on file. His voice was so hoarse that there was no possibility of success even if his voiceprint was on file, which he thought was not likely. The wanted to confine him in this high tech jail cell. Joey lay down on the bench press and let blackness of sleep possess him.

SPRUNG

He was awakened by the dulcet voice of Daisy Mae Duke. She was wearing short-short-shorts, her trademark. For some reason, she was accompanied by Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan, "We're going get you out of here," Charlie Sheen said

"What about the biosensors?". Joey asked.

"I'm going to switch with you," Charlie said. "so they won't know that you are gone for at least a few hours."

"But why are you doing this for me?"

"Duh. winning, dude. I'm fucking Charlie Sheen. I can party with the best of them."

"You sure can, " Joey said.

"You're going to need a heavy duty clean-up crew to wipe down this equipment, once Lindsay and I are through here."

"I bet they will," Joey said.

"I want to stay with Charlie too. I can party with the best of them," Daisy Mae Duke said.

Charlie lowered his shades and looked at Daisy Mae up and down. "Mmm. Mmm," he said. "I'll bet you can, girl."

"Joey, put your hands behind your back, so I can cuff you. so they will think you are still a prisoner," Daisy Mae said..

"Oh, behave. Going to get a little kinky, are we?"

"You got that right, Joey. Now follow me," Daisy Mae said. "

Joey, watched Daisy's inadequately-clad and delightfully-bouncing badonkadonk, peeking out of her shorts, which had already been renamed Daisy Dukes. She crooked a finger, beckoning Joey to follow her. And follow her he would. She was definitely going to be an upgrade from mono-toothed hags. Not that there was anything wrong with that. His cannon grew by a good half a foot as he remembered Granny Yokum's remaining well-practiced tooth puncturing him in the right in the uvula chakra.

"Here I come Daisy Mae."

"That's good" the stunning hillbilly damsel said. "Just follow me."

No I mean, here I come," Joey said as he let loose with an Alice in Wonderland flood of jizz. Fortunately, Daisy Mae had brought a plastic rain parka for just such an occasion. After it was over, Joey resumed his following of the delightfully buttocked vixen.

"So if you are going to free me, why am I handcuffed?" Joey asked.

"Just in case we encounter any guards. This way it will just look like I'm transferring you."

"Roger, that," Joey said, and then added "Copy that," to make sure that he had all the military slang covered. "What's up with the red boots?"

"They were all the footwear we could find in the House's wardroom closet. Ditto for the ponchos we're all wearing.

THE MAN WITH NO NAME

Once they were a few miles away from the exit in Aunt Bea's house, they were confronted by a posse of seven Mexicans

Their leader stepped forward to block Joey and his entourage. "Greengo I theenk you have come to the wrong town , amigo. Don' let the sun set on you in Mexicotown, hombre. The outcome will be very bad for you, senor. Very bad."

"Who are you guys, some kind of immigration agents, a kind of I.C.E. in reverse?" Joey asked. "If so, show us your badges"

They had a hearty Eli Wallach-style laugh over that one.

"Badges? We don' need no steenking badges, gringo. We got these!" The reverse I.C.E agent and his merry men, flipped up their ponchs, revealing the standard-issue crossed leather bullet belts sported by stereotypical banditos in racist short stories and movies everywhere.

The posse also raised their spanking new AR-15 assault rifles, which they had just purchased in the Kids aisle at Walmart.

"OK, fork him over," the head guard said, puffing out his chest.

"What the fuck is this?" Joey asked. "You're ratting me out?"

"Sorry, Joey," Daisy Mae said. "It turns out that we can make more money off you in the private black market sector. We're never going to derive the big bucks if we remain a family business. You understand."

"Understand what? That you're betraying me?"

"Well, if that is the way you want to construe it fine," Daisy Mae said. We are offering you a large salary and all the Aunt Jemima pancakes you can eat if you want to stay with us rather than go with these beaners.

Joey flipped his own poncho to reveal his prime asset.

The banditos all pointed at Joey's crotch, and laughed.

Joey gave them a squinty-eye look worthy of the Man with No Name in a Fistful of Dollars, as well as Eli Wallach or Lee van Cleef himself and said I don't think it's nice, you laughin'. You see, my shaft don't like people laughing at it. It gets the crazy idea you're laughin' at it.. Now if you apologize to it, by kissing it, like I know you're going to, I might convince my johnson that you really didn't mean it."

"Gringo, my seester is probably going to go loco, eef she finds out that I keel the Boner Boy from cable teee veee. But we don' tolerate no schlongs longer than Tuco's here in Mexicotown. So I'm afraid its sayounara amigo.

"Don't you mean 'adios amigo'?" Charlie Sheen asked Tuco.

"Yeah, what did I say?"

"You said 'sayounara, amigo.'"

"That's eemposible," Tuco said. "I never speak nip, only spic."

Joey reached into his vest to retrieve his cell phone All of the pseudo-banditos raised their AK-15s and pointed them. right at him. He played back Tuco's comments to the crowd.

"OK Blondie, eet looks you're right. You are still a dead gringo." He nodded to his posse. Their trigger fingers all twitched, but not before Joey's mega-schlong swept their legs out from out under them and then sprayed them like a fire hose.

Then Joey asked his favorite Thor question: "Anyone else?" There were no takers.

He went into a 2,168 degree Bielmann spin (a move he had perfected from years of watching figure skating competitions on TV) and swatted all twelve of them like so many houseflies save for one rookie bandito, who had tears streaming down his cheeks. Joey looked at him with disgust. "Go home to your mother!" he said, swatting him on his backside a la Uma Thurman in Kill Bill 2.

He felt an emptiness overcome him. Would he ever see Auntie Em or Uncle Henry again? Soon there were tears pouring down his own cheeks."

Daisy Mae sat down next to him. "Why are you so sad?" the blond hillbilly strumpet asked him, patting him on the shoulder (and on his meat rocket as well).

"I just miss home already. I miss Auntie Em and Uncle Henry."

"Don't you know that you have always had the means to come home?" Daisy Mae Duke said, pointing at the ruby-colored cowboy boots they had found for him in the wardrobe closet.

Joey stood up, leapt in the air and clicked his heels together saying, "There is no place like home; there's no place like home."

"What the fuck are you doing?" Daisy Mae asked him. "I think you have watched the Wizard of Oz a few too many times.

"But you told me these boots would take me home."

"Yeah, well, those boots are made for walking, as Nancy Sinatra would have said. Home is about 18 miles past that bright green hill."

"Fuck, that walk is going to be sooo boring," Charlie Sheen said.

"Foursome. Foursome," Lindsay Lohan and Daisy Mae chanted in unison.

Charlie squinted to take in the true magnitude of Joey's joystick. "Homey don't swing way," Charlie pronounced.

"You mean to tell me that there is something you don't do Charlie?"

"Duh, losing," Charlie said, looking at Joey's space needle. He shifted his gaze toward Daisy Mae. "Winning!" he proclaimed. With the understanding that there would be no foursome, but rather two twosomes, they linked arms and danced their way toward the emerald hill.

After a while Joey's member detumesced to the point that it dragged upon the ground. "Little help here," Joey said.