Captain Terdy's First Week: Day 05

Ensign Casanova De'Lusional sat in a bar on the Enterprise and considered the color of his drink. Junior Tech Betty Smith slipped into the seat beside him.

"What are you thinking handsome?" she said.

He looked at her carefully. She was delightful in a sweet, wide eyed way. Yet sexy as all hell, from her pert breasts to her smooth legs. Similar, but not exactly the same as Notionally Innocent on the Essex.

"Well, to tell you the truth, I was wondering what got the whole purity movement started." That was a slightly risky statement, but not overly anti-purity. He was pretty sure Betty wasn't hardline. No one who flirted like she did could possibly be full prude.

"What purity movement would that be?"

"You know, the Ministry of Moral Turpitude and all that."

She laughed. "You mean Major Henry? That's hilarious. Oh wow, so perfect. I've got to tell Mary that one."

"No I mean the real one. On Earth."

"What?" she said long and drawn out to emphasize her confusion. "Never heard of it."

He looked at her, trying to put things together. The ministry had been around for at least a year. So it couldn't just be a figment of his fantasy device's imagination.

"Are you sure? It's a real thing."

"Well, it may be a real thing, but let's not worry about that. Hey, you know, speaking of Mary, I promised her I'd come to her cabin later to shoot the breeze. Why don't we grab a bottle and go together? It could be fun." She smiled coyly and looked mischievous. It was overt enough to get him aroused. He did a double take.

"Wait, what do you mean it may be a real thing, but let's not worry about that. Is it real?"

"Well, I don't know much about it. Can you explain it to me? It does sound interesting."

He looked at her suspiciously.

"Betty, are you real?"

"Well, no. I'm part of the virtual environment. Are you confused?"

"Not any more. So this is all virtual?"

"Yes. This is the environment created for you by the Assisted Diversion Therapy Module, Model ASG-74 Enterprise Edition running the Sexually Active Space Command scenario, Version 46.9.2 patch 6."

"Oh," was all Casanova could manage.

Betty rested her hand on his forearm. It was a warm and delicate touch. "So, should we see how Mary is going?"

There was a bottle of wine on the counter. "I am so screwed." He grabbed it. "Sure! Why not! Tomorrow's another day."

***

Ramrod watched as Captain Terdy sailed into the oh-six-hundred-hour parade, crisp, sleek and gorgeous. Her infinite legs were throat catching. She stood before them as an absolute goddess in uniform. He'd been having flashbacks to her spread-eagled naked form all morning. Every time he closed his eyes, she was there. He shook his head again, trying to clear it. He couldn't look directly at her, he just looked at her ear.

"Good morning," she said matter-of-factly, "I expect we will come out of supra-light any time now." It was in the nature of the supra-light system that exact flight times were a mystery. "Barring unforeseen events, we will power up the Ka'Krill comm system before moving in-system. Are there any questions?"

Solid gave an immediate "Ma'am!"

"Yes Solid?"

"Do I still need to give a presentation ma'am? You know, on account of the Lieutenant knocking me out and all ma'am. Medical issue ma'am."

"Yes, Solid, I'm afraid..."

Before she could finish the ship's alarms sounded whoop whoop whoop, and the computer spoke. "The ship has exited supra-light." Whoop whoop whoop.

"Ah excellent." She quickly went to the room's terminal and opened the intercom to the ship's computer. "Captain here. Cancel alarm. What's our status?"

"Alarms off, ma'am," responded the computer. "Star identification indicates we are at Too Far Away Two. No abnormal conditions."

"Very well. Hold steady." She disconnected. "Right. You know your stations. Dismissed."

Everybody got busy. She waited to give them a head start and get settled on the bridge. It always unnerved people to come in after the captain. Ramrod hung back and sidled up in a kind of meek bowed head way.

"Ah, ma'am, I'd just like to apologize again about last night. I've learnt a valuable lesson about situational assessment ma'am. I'll be more careful in future."

"Nonsense Ramrod," she said. "You really mustn't blame yourself. The fault was entirely mine. This whole sex thing's quite new to me. Did Casanova tell you? You should ask him about the big bird. Hilarious really. Anyway, from now on I'll make sure to put a note in the day log if I'm going to have sex."

"Ah, no, no ma'am. That isn't necessary," said Ramrod stepping back in shock.

"Oh, it's no problem. We should get moving. They'll be ready by now." She moved off. Ramrod fell in beside her. "You know I've been thinking," she continued. "With sex being such a popular recreational activity, I'm guessing there must be some equivalent of a trivia night, or a sparring tournament. You know, something where everybody gets together and has sex. What would that sort of thing be called?"

"Um, you mean like, um, an orgy?" said Ramrod hesitantly.

"Orgy. Sounds like a cleaning implement. So right. We haven't had a nice whole crew recreational get together yet. I think it's about time from a morale point of view. Could you organize it?"

"Um, certainly, um, what specifically were you thinking about ma'am? A trivia night is it?"

"No no, an orgy."

Ramrod opened his mouth, but at that moment the door to the bridge slid open and the captain sailed through, chin high and totally in charge. She sat in the command chair.

"Notionally, bring the target area up on the view screen."

"Yes ma'am."

The large view screen showed inky black with stars for backdrop.

She activated the engine room intercom. "Wunderlick, are we ready?"

"Aye ma'am. Power plant is run up to max. The Ka'Krill system is a shade of purple-green."

"Very well. Notionally, activate the system please."

"Yes ma'am." She pressed the contact.

Nothing happened for a moment, then the view screen showed an orange sparkle. It grew into a torus a couple of meters across with a purple glowing interior.
"Gate up ma'am. Permission to deploy comms probe."

"Activate."

An articulated arm extended into the view area and aimed a lance at the heart of the purple void.

"We have signal," said Notionally watching her board. "We have bits... Yes, sector command's ID ma'am... We have acks. Wow, ten bits per second ma'am, we're doing well today."

"Very good," said the captain. "Excellent work everybody. Let's hope it stays up."

***

There was a note from Admiral Forlorn. "Dear Captain Terdy. Sorry for the file mix up. You definitely have the right crew. Just a file mix-up. Nothing to worry about. The list I gave you was correct obviously. I definitely did not give you the wrong list." She flipped through the new crew files. Ramrod had a citation for bravery from the Gungasnesh incident, for which he was promoted. The only thing they all had in common was their off-duty proclivities. She still had the flimsy Admiral Forlorn had given her. She retrieved it and read the heading. "Top ten by number of citations."

There was a tap on the door. "Enter."

A nervous looking Computer Tech Tinfoil Hat came in. "You wanted to see me ma'am."

"Yes. Please have a seat."

"Thank you ma'am." Tinfoil wasn't sure about the captain. He still harbored a deep distrust of Va Vas. She may be playing a deep game.

"Tinfoil - may I call you Tinfoil?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Tinfoil, why is there two and a half billion hours of holo-vid porn in the ship's library?"

This morning's Tinfoil was a degree more forthright. He swallowed his nerves. "Um, I put it there ma'am."

"Right. I see. I must admit I thought it was part of ship's inventory at first. Why?"

"Aliens ma'am. They want to take our porn. I'm preserving it."

"Oh. Which aliens would that be?"

"We don't know exactly yet ma'am. They're shooting people with rays of pure thoughts. We have to protect ourselves and our porn ma'am."

"'We'?"

"Yes ma'am. We're a registered conspiracy theory ma'am. Well, our registration hasn't actually been granted yet, which is very suspicious don't you think? We fulfil all the requirements for an unverifiable belief system, plus we have proof. We believe the Department of Faith has been infiltrated."

"I see. You do realize you've been specifically forbidden from doing this. You do realize you are on your last warning?"

"Uh," he sighed, "yes ma'am. But it's too important ma'am."

"You really believe aliens are trying to steal our porn?"

"Not steal as such ma'am. What would aliens want with human porn? They just don't want us to have it. There's almost none left ma'am apart from our collection."

"Really?"

"Yes ma'am. The Anti Promiscuity League and the Association of Right Minded Individuals regularly launch search and delete bots. There's talk of redoing the classifications again. Spacecraft in supra light are about the only safe place now."

"I see. Very well, I'm logging an order to store your porn collection in the ship's library, retrospective to our day of departure."

"Please ma'am... oh," he said as his brain caught up. "Oh, so I can leave it there?"

"Yes Tinfoil, for now."

"Oh." He stood and saluted. "Thank you ma'am."

"You're welcome Tinfoil. Dismissed."

***

Notionally Innocent wrote furiously. She was angry. She was sad. She didn't know what to do. There were only hours of comm channel time left when she got her sister's letter.

Dear Sis. Sex is wrong? What!!? How can you, my twin, say such a thing. Sex is NOT a disgusting habit. What are you thinking? Was it wrong last month when you came all those times from that guy in freight? Was it wrong when we had sex with the entire Space Command male space ball team? What about when we convinced the male half of the zeta commando squad to tie us up and gang-bang us - how can you say THAT was wrong?

Sis, I don't know what's got into you. Please please get better soon. There are some very nice men on this ship. I promise I will bring you a good one as soon as I get back.

***

"Too Far Away Two is," began the colony's own cultural sensitivity notes, "a virtuous society focused on purity and chastity; comfortably separated from the promiscuous moral turpitude of other planets." Captain Terdy thought it was a good thing she'd learnt about sex before she read that. It would have been one of those baffling statement. Now she could translate. Ultra-prudes. Each to their own, she thought, but she felt for any young woman of her biological age. It would be the same as being a normal Va Va. Forced into a mold. Never knowing humanity's crowning glory - a really good multiple orgasm. That slow burning anger was back. She mentally put it aside.

She stood on the bridge flanked on one side by Ramrod, on the other by Notionally Innocent and Ensign De'Lusional. Culturally appropriate shapeless floor-length ponchos made them all look like heads on green plinths. Sweetass stood off-camera.

The screen came to life in two parts. What might be a woman, and a half-tonne armored mollusk that was definitely an alien.

"Good day," began Captain Terdy. "Thank you Officer Completely Disgusted for arranging our call. If I may introduce our members, on my left is Lieutenant Ramrod Straight, on my right is Science Officer Notionally Innocent and Ensign Casanova De'Lusional."

"Thank you Captain Terdy, said a woman's voice. I would like to introduce Quangoon, the last of the Quangoon on Too Far Away Two."

"Thank you Completely. If I may get straight to business, we are trying to trace the whereabouts of Commander Hand Solo. We know he was visiting Too Far Away Two recently. Can you tell us anything about his movements?"

"Yes," replied Completely, "He was here, but thankfully he has gone."

"Thankfully?" asked the captain. "Why is that?"

"Well, Captain, your name, it's a Va Va name is it not?"

"It is."

"Well, I'm sure you understand then. Space Command has a... reputation. We do not like to associate ourselves with disgusting people like that. Excepting yourself of course."

"I s e e , " said Captain Terdy with a steel edged and painful slowness. "Right. Can you tell us where he went?"

"No, I'm afraid we can't."

"Well, can you tell us anything about his activities before he left?"

"Yes we can, this is my reason for inviting Quangoon. Commander Solo spent much time investigating the abandoned Quangoon colony buildings. He spoke to Quangoon at length. Quangoon, if you would be so kind, will you tell the Captain about your contact with Commander Solo?"

The mollusk extended and waved a number of stalks from between the haphazard collection of what looked like found objects that adhered to its slimy skin. The translator kicked in.

"Yes. I talked to Commander Solo. We had long conversations about my race and why we are so few here on Too Far Away Two. He was interested in the old poem of the <unknown race name>. I told him what I knew, which is basically what the P'Rude have told us about it."

"What is the old poem?"

"It's called the Far Away Poem" replied Completely Disgusted. "It's a poem carved in meter high script in a sphere of Krell steel in a crater out in the desert. It doesn't mean anything."
"How does it go?"

"Oh, let me remember. Um, 'For too long, the creeping doom, X-rays of oblivion, we are gone, you are warned.' Of course, that's a translation of a translation. The 'X' is the name of some race we don't know. The Quangoon never met the race of the original script, but they got the translation from another race."

"Hmm," said Captain Terdy. "At face value one might think a warning carved in Krell steel was worth paying attention to. Who are the P'Rude?"

"Oh," said Completely Disgusted, "they are a race of quite wonderful ultra-pacifists from deep in gamma quadrant. I'm surprised you don't know of them. I believe the Va Va Vroomzeons obtained their technology from them. They have a communications relay station not far from here. We used to exchange messages. The humans from Too Far Away One moved there."

"Hmm. That is interesting," said Captain Terdy with a calculating stare. "Quangoon, what have the P'Rude told you about the old poem?"

"That it is ancient fantasy and has no modern meaning."

"So, where is this P'Rude relay station?"

"Oh, it's out in gamma quadrant," said Completely Disgusted. "Not far from here."

"Good, if you could forward the coordinates."

"Oh, we don't know exactly where it is. But it's nearby."

"What do you mean you don't know exactly where it is?" said the captain in startled surprise.

"Good heavens Captain," said Completely Disgusted, "you people. Solo had the same attitude. We don't need to know where it is."

"Quangoon?" asked the Captain.

"Commander Solo did ask me that. I don't know either. People used to know, but they are all dead now. I think he went looking for records or something."

"I see... Ah, did Commander Solo leave any notes? Anything?"

"We really wouldn't know, Captain," said Completely Disgusted. "Morally bankrupt perverts are not welcome in our colony." She shivered. "He was living out in the Quangoon buildings."

"I see. Can you tell me where? Exactly?"

"Oh yes, of course. We wouldn't want to go there by mistake."

"Thank you Completely Disgusted, Quangoon. If you could forward us the location, I think that will be enough for today."

"Oh, at last," said Completely Disgusted. The connection broke.

They all took their ponchos off. Captain Terdy threw hers to the floor and kicked it angrily into a corner.

"Don't like ponchos ma'am?" ask Ramrod, thinking she was extremely attractive when she was angry. He had another flashback to her sweat-shiny body and the trickle of cum sliding down her inner thigh.

"Something like that," she replied.

"Those coordinates are coming through ma'am," said Casanova.

"Good," said the captain. "Sweetass, Ramrod, transporter room. You're the away team. Notionally, you're transporter operator. See what you can find."

"Yes ma'am," they said in unison and hurried out.

Captain Terdy plumped down in the command chair. Casanova stood and waited.

"You're quiet today Casanova," said the captain softly so Tinfoil wouldn't hear. "Everything ok?"

"Oh, um, yeah, yes ma'am. Everything's fine."

"I bet you could teach her a thing or two."

"Sorry, who ma'am?"

"Madam Completely Disgusted."

"Oh," he said dully.

They waited in silence for a few more minutes.

"Poor Ramrod is so embarrassed," she said.

"Oh, is that to do with what Solid said? I haven't heard."

"Oh, it's nothing really. He and Sweetass came into the rec room while I was having sex with Solid."

"Solid?"

"Well, not just Solid. Hardparts too. And Wunderlick and Perky. Of course I wasn't having sex with them, but they did help get me bound and gagged," she laughed. "Another day, another lesson about sex. I've got a lot to learn obviously."

"And Ramrod hit Solid?"

"Yes. Decked him apparently. I didn't actually see it. I'd just blacked out from a particularly intense orgasm. I can't imagine what he was thinking."

"Ah," began Casanova. At that moment the intercom buzzed. "Captain, we're away," came Ramrod's voice. "I think this is the place Captain. I think Commander Hand didn't entirely trust the local colonists ma'am."

"What makes you say that?"

"Well, there's a sign on the door. It says 'Warning: pad of a single male who probably did unspeakable things in here. Only enter if you're comfortable with that.' Sweetass says she's comfortable with that. We're going in."

"Good. See if you can find any hint about the location of the P'Rude relay st..."

"Found it."

"Pardon?"

"The coordinates are written on the wall captain."

***

"Lieutenant, you wanted to see me?" said Casanova as he stepped into Ramrod's cabin.

"Yes. Have a seat," said Ramrod gesturing to his visitor's chair. He was still unsettled and nervous despite the busy day. He wasn't quite sure what to ask. "Um, so did you hear about last night?"

"Oh, ah, I heard something, but didn't give it any weight. I know how people exaggerate," Casanova said diplomatically.

"Right. It caught me by surprise. I really didn't expect the captain to be... um. You know. Anyway, she said something. Not then. This morning. Something about sex being new to her. Asked me if you'd told me. Um. Told me what?"

A sense of impending doom came over Casanova. The thing was, second-in-commands were the worst. An independent commander like the captain could make her own decisions. You could always appeal to her better nature, or just ask for mercy. But a second-in-command always walked around with their superior officer on their shoulder. Always imagining them judging if they weren't strict enough. Once a report has been written up, the captain will always back it. Oh, the captain may say there's no need to be so strict next time, but it'll be too late for this time.

"Um, oh, well, very interesting actually. You see, the Va Va seem to have made a mistake with our captain. She, um, didn't seem to know anything about, you know, the um birds and the bees."

Ramrod raised his eyebrows and waited for Casanova to continue, but Casanova always felt least said was best. Ramrod finally asked, "What about the big bird?"