Captain Terdy's First Week: Day 06 AM

P'Rude galactic purity outpost 6754 hummed smugly under the feet of Admiral Ruthless. By an odd coincidence the P'Rude were humanoid - if you caught them from the right angle - on a dark night - in the rain. It helped that they habitually wore heavy cowled robes. He faced the big amplifier in the dark cavernous control room and monologued for the benefit of the retinue standing behind him.

"Soon our plan will be complete," he began. The half dozen in his retinue settled down to listen. The P'Rude were a patient race. They liked routine. It made them comfortable. This monologue had the feel of a well worn and much loved slipper. This would be recitation four thousand and nine.

"Yes, deep in the bowels of our station the puny humans lie in their couches and generate their rightful levels of disgust at the filthy vestigial reproductive habits of their race." He shivered in disgust, and his retinue shivered with him. "Only we, only the peaceful and pure P'Rude, know the secret of amplifying those thoughts and flinging them across the galaxy. It is our great duty. Slowly slowly we raise the level. We, ha, boil the frog," the retinue gave a little chuckle on cue. That was the Admiral's favorite bit. "How long has it been with the humans Sycophant Rueful?"

Rueful was ready. "One hundred and ten years, twenty seven days, six hours, fifteen and a half minutes sir."

"Yes, the humans are our greatest challenge. No other race has been quite so disgusting, so shameless, so relentless in pursuit of their vile copulating habits. Ah, yet it seems just yesterday when we began. What level are we at Minion Runabout?"

"Eight thousand nine hundred and ninety one sir." There was a certain tension around this number. Soon the Admiral would have to change his monologue.

"Ah, soon we will be over nine thousand. Then the modicum of collective sanctimony we have generously given them will cross the threshold and their shameful activities will atrophy. After that it will simply be a matter of time before only pure humans made under our benevolent oversight will blight the universe." He gave a little chuckle. "Should we choose to make any." His retinue chuckled dutifully. "One more race, one more sector. How many is it now?"

"Thirty spacefaring races effectively extinct sir."

"Excellent. Excellent."

That marked the end of the morning monologue.

"How goes the Quangoon situation Sycophant Rueful?" This was an extra intrusion on the morning's ritual. The annual report from 5477 had been transmitted overnight.

"Purity outpost 5477 report they expect natural die off within forty years Admiral. The colonies are all gone apart from scattered individuals. The home world is in terminal decline. We expect P'Rude occupation of their abandoned worlds can commence within fifty years."

"Excellent."

***

Commander Hand Solo turned down the volume on the translation. He knew the monologue by heart now. He was worried. Very worried. There'd been no response from Space Command. He was going to have to act. His single-man vanta-black ship hung in space at the extreme range of the whisker comm laser from his main relay bug. He'd infiltrated other bugs into the very complex itself. He had no shortage of intelligence, but few plans seemed to offer any chance of success. The P'Rude complex was large and well shielded. Beaming on board seemed his only hope. But the Beedeep beam technology only beamed beings and small objects. A phaser was the best weapon he could hope to arrive with.

***

Captain Terdy sat in the command chair and eyed Ramrod's butt while she waited. There was the telltale shiver as they returned to normal space. It had been a short trip.

"We're here ma'am," said Ramrod.

"Ma'am," said Notionally Innocent. "There is a structure. It's huge. Oh my gods. You need to see this ma'am."

"Put it on the screen Notionally."

The screen showed a complex alien structure. Around it sparkled an enormous number of orange Ka'Krill gateways.

"Ma'am. Each of those gateways is over a hundred meters in diameter."

"What!" said the captain, standing in surprise. The size of the structure was suddenly apparent. "How many are there?"

"Ah, well, just estimating ma'am, but I'd say about a hundred."

The captain had herself under control now. "Hailing frequencies."

"Yes ma'am. Actually ma'am we have an incoming call. Shall I connect?"

"Connect."

A cowled figure appeared on the screen. The face was hard to see, but it wasn't human.

"Greetings", said Captain Terdy, "This is the Human Space Command Ship Essex and I am Captain Born Yes Terdy. Who am I addressing?"

"Greetings Captain. I am Sycophant Rueful of P'Rude Communications Station Nine. How may we be of assistance?"

"It is a pleasure to meet you Sycophant. We are here on a courtesy visit. We have heard that you have a group of humans living in your station. Space Command's mission includes monitoring the welfare of human colonies and outposts. We would like to pay a visit to our human brethren."

"I can assure you that the human colony is in excellent health Captain. We can arrange holo communication with a representative if you wish."

"I would like to communicate face-to-face if I may. If you supply coordinates we can beam a representative aboard our ship."

"I feel that would be impossible Captain. Our human friends are unlikely to agree. You understand, Space Command vessels have a certain reputation."

"What reputation is that Sycophant?"

A shiver ran through the figure. "I would rather not discuss the issue Captain."

"Well then, may I send a team aboard?"

The shiver again. "No Captain..." the figure turned to someone off camera, then after a moment turned back. "Captain, is your name a Va Va Vroomzeon name?"

"Yes it is. I am a Va Va."

"Ah, this changes our response. You alone may come aboard if you wear appropriate attire. If you supply the coordinates of your transporter room, we will beam appropriate clothing to you."

"Very well, I agree. We will hail again when I am ready."

She cut the contact.

"Ma'am," said Ramrod, "I don't think going alone is advisable."

"Maybe. You know the drill. If I am compromised, including if my comm link goes down, you're to move off supra-light at least one light year. Once you have the right shade of purple-green for the Ka'Krill gate, report to sector HQ, and await instructions. Notionally, I want the clothes they send thoroughly scanned. Then, you can start trying to work out why the huge Ka'Krill gates. Ramrod, from this point on I want all crew kept up-to-date on our situation. I want them fully informed in case they need to react quickly. I'll give a briefing by intercom now."

"You expect trouble ma'am? Completely Disgusted said they were wonderful ultra-pacifists."

"No, I don't expect trouble. I just don't see how one can really trust prudes."

***

She arrived in a clean sparse white room with a couple of contoured recliners. A figure was waiting for her in a heavy white cowled robe such as she wore. An old wrinkled face was just visible under the hood.

"Greetings Captain," said the figure in a soft, but elderly, male voice. "Governor Purity Continence at your service ma'am. Welcome to our small colony. It is as much a pleasure to have you visit us, as it will be a relief to you to have respite from your depraved crew. I am most happy to conduct you on a tour of our humble colony. If you follow me, we can talk as we walk."

"Thank you Governor Continence." She followed him out of the room into a wide courtyard where an artificial sky dome lit artificial grass. At least a hundred meters across. In the middle was a detached egg-like room with a few steps leading up to a door. A large numeric display sat over the door.

"This is the heart of our colony," said the Governor. "Here we relax and enjoy our isolation from the repellent iniquities of others. The meditation room here," he said gesturing towards the egg, "is our place of purification where we contemplate our virtuousness and reject from our minds the vomitos wickedness of which you will be all too well aware." The Governor glanced at her and shuffled sideways, as if trying to separate himself from some taint.

"That is... fascinating Governor. How many colonists are here?" she asked eyeing the dozen or so cowled figures who were sitting or moving round the courtyard.
"At this time forty seven. The P'Rude were gracious enough to provide us with this excellent facility. This is all of the Too Far Away One colony. Here, let me show you our dining hall."

"Can you tell me about the P'Rude?"

"Oh, they are a most benevolent race. They pride themselves on never causing the death of even a single individual of any race either through action or inaction. They are very pure of thought. A really quite wonderful race."

"I'm surprised we don't know more about them."
"Well, they very sensibly don't like to interact with races until they have reached a suitable purity of behavior."

"I see. Do you get many visitors?"
"No, thankfully. You are the first in, hmm, well, at least forty years."

***

Casanova and Ramrod stood in the transporter room with Commander Hand Solo while they listened to the captain's discussions on the P'Rude station. He'd beamed in not long after Captain Terdy had left.

"I'm sure," said Commander Hand, "that you have the greatest respect for your captain gentlemen, but there are circumstance that require a very special perception that Captain Terdy, as a Va Va, may lack. I really must advise that we don't beam her back until I have fully briefed you on the situation."

"Commander," replied Ramrod, "with the greatest respect, Captain Terdy may be less than a week old, but I'm sure she is the right person to hear your report."

"Best fucking captain I've ever had," said Casanova sotto voce.

"Essex," came the captain's voice over the comms system. "one to beam on."

Casanova activated the beam. The captain's heavily cowled figure shimmered into existence in the transporter.

"Right," she said stepping off the platform and throwing back her cowl. "Did you hear all that?"

"Yes ma'am," said Ramrod.

"Good," she said. She saw the strange man. "Ah, Commander Hand Solo I presume. One moment please." She struggled out of the robes, dropped them to the floor, stamped on them a few times, then kicked them viciously into a corner.

Ramrod admired the way she moved. She was perfectly furious. When she was finished she slipped into the shoes she'd left by the transporter platform, straightened up all tall and busty, and looked like a goddess.

"God, I feel icky just talking to them. I'll need to suck all your dicks just to feel clean. Right," she said turning to Hand Solo.

"Captain," he said. "We need to talk."

***

They gathered in the bridge. All the bridge staff, Doctor Prominent, and Sweetass. The rest of the crew linked in by intercom.

"Captain, crew," said Commander Hand Solo, slightly nervous now that he had to actually express this in front of real people. "What I'm going to tell you may sound like the crazed idea of a conspiracy theorist, but it is true and I will present proof." He felt the sweat on his palms, but he couldn't think of any other way to say it. "Those hundred and five gates," he said calling up the image of the P'Rude relay station, "are beaming rays of prudishness - prude-rays - to each of the hundred and five inhabited human planets."

"Yes!" said Tinfoil, jumping up from his chair and punching the air. "Er, oh, sorry Commander," he said, reverting to his natural reticence but grinning widely as he sat back down.

"Congratulations Tinfoil," said the captain smiling at him.

"Er," said Hand Solo, "Um, I know some of you may feel that's a good thing, but..."

"No, no," replied the captain. "It's an atrocity of the first order. But it explains a lot. Please continue Commander."

"Er, good," he said slightly confused. "So where was I... Yes, so over thousands of years, the P'Rude have wiped out basically every intelligent oxygen breathing race in gamma quadrant by turning populations into such extreme sanctimonious kill-joys, that the birth rate drops below sustainable levels. Beings just stop having sex. They do it so slowly that no-one notices. In the final stages they carefully tailor the myth that lower birth rate is a natural consequence of a mature space-faring species, and that natural birth isn't necessary anyway, because vats do a better job. However, they control key elements of the vat process. Eventually they just shut that down too. They used Too Far Away One to create their seed source of natural human prudes. They need them to generate the rays. Two Far Away Two was their pilot planet. There has been no natural birth on Two Far Away Two for forty years. They've been bathing human planets with their rays for decades now. This is the origin of modern thought on promiscuity and sex. This is why we have a Ministry of Moral Turpitude. This is why the economies are crashing."

"And that," interjected Tinfoil, "is why no-one makes porn any more."

"And that," said Captain Terdy, "is why Space Command has such a reputation for depravity. Because the rays are planetary."
"Yes! Yes!", said the Commander with huge relief, "Anybody who spends their life in space isn't affected, and military vessels have large crews that stay in space."

"My sister!" said Notionally Innocent. "Oh god, she's on-planet. I've got to get home. I've got to get her off."

"No," said Captain Terdy firmly, "We have got to stop these bastards cold. Commander, you must have thought about this, what do we need to do?"
He ran his hands through his hair, looking a bit crazy. "I can't say exactly. There's a problem. Once the human-wide cumulative dose of prudishness goes over nine thousand, it's irreversible. That's due to happen today. It's because of some sort of exponential feedback loop thing. Before your arrival I was about to beam in with a blaster, and have my ship return to sector command on automatic with the evidence. But there are almost fifty colonists and as many P'Rudes in two isolated complexes. It would have been a delaying tactic at best. The base is heavily shielded, so a frontal assault is unlikely to work. I think the weak point is the colonists' meditation room. That's the source of the prudishness."

"That's the egg-shaped room?"

"Yes."

***

Captain Terdy arrived as planned in the same room she'd transported to earlier in the day. There was one heavily cowled figure relaxing in a recliner. They were working on the assumption they got one transport for free because the P'Rude would assume it was she returning to talk to the colonists. As soon as Gunner Solid and Gunner Perky landed in the P'Rude control room the shit would hit the fan. They had to hold the control room to prevent the P'Rude shielding against transporter beams.

"Gunners away," came Tinfoil's voice. The Essex only had a two station transporter, so it was pair by pair.

Captain Terdy raised her phaser and stunned the colonist, it slumped. "One colonist stunned," she said. She dropped the white robe that had been covering her snug combat suit.

"Six targets," came Gunner Perky's voice over the sound of phaser fire.

"Privates away," said Tinfoil.

Captain Terdy moved to the door. Privates Wunderlick and Hardparts were hitting the gaming room, the next highest concentration of P'Rudes.

"Alarms," came Perky's voice from the control room. "Four down. Six down. Securing area."

"Sweetass and Casanova away," said Tinfoil. They shimmered into appearance behind the captain.

"Ten down in the game room," came Private Hardparts' voice.

"Like shooting ducks in a barrel," said Wunderlick.

"Solid's down! Solid's down!" came Perky's comms from the control room. "Incoming targets. Some sort of ray. Taking cover."

"Tinfoil," said the captain into her comms, "transport Notionally and Hand to where Perky tells you." She signaled to Sweetass and Casanova, "let's go." They raced out of the door into the courtyard with phasers firing at every target they could see.

A red lance lashed out and struck Casanova. He went down. Captain Terdy responded with a barrage of stun bolts and took down the attacker.

It was a colonist with some sort of gun with a thick lead disappearing under its cowl. Half a dozen ray-gun wielding colonists were rushing in. "Cover me. Pull back," said the captain. She grabbed Casanova and pulled him back into the room. "Casanova down," she said into her comms. "Red ray. Maybe ten colonists down."

"Solid's coming round," said Perky. "But we're pinned down. Tinfoil, transport Notionally and Hand to a point ten meters towards the core from my location."

Sweetass was crouched by the door, Captain Terdy could see her dodging red rays and shooting. She checked Casanova. He was alive and his eyelids fluttering open. "Casanova, can you understand me?"

His eyes went wide, "Ugh, get away from me you harlot! You're a travesty! A perversion!" He crab-scrambled backwards, going for his phaser. She chopped his hand and kicked his phaser away. "The rays!", she yelled into her communicator, "They're prude rays! Casanova's gone full prude!"

"Perky is down!", yelled Hand Solo, presumably from the control room where he had just landed. "Solid just called her a depraved mantrap and shot her. Notionally has taken down two of the ray guys."

"Almost at the control room," came Private Wunderlick's voice, "Two more do..."

"Shit!" came Hardparts' voice, "Wunderlick is down by red ray!"

Casanova had scrambled back against the wall. He was pointing an accusatory finger at the captain. "Your licentiousness is only exceeded by your vileness! The P'Rude are right! Don't you dare touch me with your disgusting bits you temptress."

"Tinfoil," the captain yelled into her comms, "time to land Ramrod inside the meditation room."

Ramrod replied. "Tinfoil's getting something from his cabin. I'll be there soon."

"What!"

"Captain!" came Notionally's voice from the control room. "The big numbers. They're going up faster! They're almost at nine thousand!"

Casanova leaped, she shot him mid-flight and rolled away. The air next to her coruscated with a transport beam.

"Captain," Tinfoil's voice came through her comms. "Put it on your head. It might protect you from the prude-rays."

Sitting on the floor was a flimsy cap of shiny metal roughly shaped into a helmet. She grabbed it and jammed it on her head, then ran to the doorway.
"We're going to have to break out," she said to Sweetass.

"Agreed. Ready?"

"Meditation room cleared. Four down," came Ramrod's voice.

"Go," said the captain.

They ran out, blasters blazing, dodging and zigzagging towards the meditation room. Ramrod was already firing from the doorway, giving them cover. There was a sudden flash of red round her head and she felt woozy, but kept running.

"Captain!" yelled Ramrod, "When this is over, do you want to fuck me?"