Caroline Alone Ch. 04

She watched Jack kiss his new bride and that was fine because it was expected, but it was a bad moment on the steps outside the registry office when the photographs were taken. First it seemed like a travesty – a picture posed in every detail to imitate and mock the photograph of her own wedding to Jack, displayed on their mantelpiece for ten years – the same pattern of figures posed on the steps, bride centre stage and radiant, groom smug in his happiness, handsome and lean and unaltered. Common sense told her the picture was nothing of the sort – that all wedding pictures were the same in depicting a caricature of simple bliss. Determined to hide her distress, she touched away the tears.

The photographer asked the bridesmaids and page to join the bride and groom, presenting another vision from a nightmare. It was familiar and yet different – her family, but not hers – a scene she could observe but which shut her out: her son unrecognisable in his first suit and his mop of hair slicked back, and her daughter with ribbons and flowers in her hair and a folksy dress with frills and tucks and a tight bodice and long, full skirt. Furious at her weakness, she began to cry, tears dripping off her chin. When Mimi asked if she was alright she lied and said the tears were because of her happiness for her children and for Jack.

She had to stay to the end and couldn't drink because she was driving. When she wasn't dealing with the children she was mostly on her own or seated with Hazel's mother. They chatted easily, said to each other how marvellous Jack was and what a fine couple he made with Hazel. She wasn't certain that Hazel's mother really understood who she was. What they had in common, apart from admiration for Jack, was that they were on their own with their sadness. She stayed clear of Hazel's colleagues, whose contributions on being introduced to "Jack's ex-wife" was an ironic snort of "how bizarre" and "trust Hazel to do the unconventional". Jack sat with her for a while and was kind and gentle, saying how amazing she looked, thanking her for coming and complimenting her on how well the children were doing.

"How is it Jack, second time round?" she asked and hoped she didn't sound bitter.

"It's good," he replied honestly. "I survived. I'm alive and happy. I have a great job. The children are happy. I have a beautiful wife who is pregnant with my child. What more could I want? I'm sorry things didn't work out for you as you hoped."

"I made mistakes and I'm sorry for all the pain I caused. If it's any consolation, I've suffered."

"I know. It doesn't help to look back. We must put what happened behind us. Cherish what we have – Ben and Amy – and be open to what life brings. There's no reason why something wonderful can't happen for you, as it has for me."

"Don't you see? It was being open to life that brought Damien. I need to find work and then I'll lead a simple life – go to work, be with the children as much as I can, get myself sorted out. Maybe I'll grow up. I hope we can be friends and I'm so much looking forward to seeing your baby. I'd like to think that twenty years from now I'll have sorted myself out and be fit to be someone's companion. If we can love one another, even better."

"All I mean is you mustn't give up hope. Take life as it comes, one day at a time, but do what's right."

"You're always the sensible, level-headed one, Jack. I was so proud of you when we were married. I took all that for granted."

"Shut up Caroline. I'm not a saint and you know it. Forget the past and let's be friends."

He was happy. It was impossible to deal with happy people; they just didn't see difficulties.

The final act of a curious day found the children in bed in Hazel's house and Caroline in front of the television watching her favourite soap opera. Hazel had come up with the idea that Caroline should stay in the house with the children while they were away on their honeymoon. It would save money and be good for the children. Jack no longer had the campus flat and it took some pressure off Carline's parents, who loved their grandchildren but were tired out from having their depressed and angry daughter constantly to stay and the children most weekends as well.

Caroline needed time to relax before trying to sleep. She wouldn't think of Hazel as her rival or her conqueror, but she felt defeated all the same, camping in the house, especially as the children rubbed in her status as visitor by acting as if completely at home. They showed her where to find things, how to switch on the heating and how to work the coffee machine – state of the art bean-to-cup, as if she couldn't have guessed. Although she hated herself for doing it, she wandered round the house looking for clues to Jack's new life and how it differed from the one they'd shared. Could it really be that he preferred sourdough bread to white all the time they'd lived together and she'd not known, or did he love Hazel so much he pretended for her sake? And slippers by the front door – was that really Jack?

The next day she threw herself into entertaining the children and they all enjoyed themselves. They went to the sea front and tried the fairground rides and walked back along the promenade to the crazy golf so that Ben could show her how good he'd become. She and Amy stood no chance. Her children were happy and pleased to be with her. Their lives would be perfect if only she could somehow stay forever with them in their new home. And that, they all knew, would never happen.

While the children were at school she looked for a job. If she could find something locally that paid enough for accommodation she could see more of the children, have them in the evening, get them to school, be an equal partner in their lives. Almost at once she found work a few miles down the coast in Hove. She would be the manager of the despatch department of a small internet-based company supplying brass door furniture – not a great job, but better than what she had. They were desperate for help and she arranged to start on the following Monday, when Jack and Hazel would be back. For the first time in a long while she felt optimistic about the future.

The next day she found a two bedroom flat to rent. It was above a shop in a busy street and the parking was poor. Once she was settled she could look for somewhere more suitable, maybe even buy with the money she had left from the sale of the house. It would have to be soon because Ben and Amy couldn't share a bedroom for much longer.

Her new job was hard work. She had little in common with the other staff, but it was a new beginning and nobody had any preconceptions about her. She knew nothing about the business they were in, but was determined to make it a success. Despite the novelty of the work, she found lots to draw on from her experience and soon decided she might be rather good at it. By the end of the first week she had a long list of improvements to suggest to her boss. It was exciting to have responsibilities again and staff who looked to her to make their lives better.

Now she could play her part in the school run and have the children overnight in the week. Suddenly life was a little more normal. There wasn't much fun to be had, but work and cooking for the children was fulfilment where it had once been a chore.

Parking was always a problem at the entrance to Amy's school and she squeezed her car into a narrow space. When she tried to get out she saw that she'd boxed in the man in the car beside her. She reversed a little and got out to wait for her daughter. The man got out too and smiled at her as they stood outside the railings at the school's perimeter.

"Like feeding time at the zoo," he remarked, glancing at her. "I wish they'd let the children out on time instead of leaving us to wait."

"I'm in such a rush I'm only glad I'm in time," she replied cautiously. She knew the man was interested in her. He was respectable, well-made in a conventional, unassuming way and he seemed thoughtful and considerate, but she felt nothing – no curiosity or desire to challenge and make an impact, as she remembered in the early days with Damien. It would be nice to have a companion – someone to do things with and to talk to. But the complications of involvement terrified her. She didn't want commitment and be shown to be inadequate once again.

"Highlight of my day," the man persisted. "You meet all the best people at the school gate. It's a moment of peace before the children arrive when anything's possible."

He looked at her and she smiled thinly. "He is trying hard," she thought. "And really I couldn't care less. What's the matter with me?"

The man must have got the message because he didn't say anything more. Then Amy came out chatting to a little girl who turned out to be the man's daughter. The man looked at her as if this proved they could be friends, but she smiled and jumped into her car. It seemed she'd damaged something deep inside her and lost the ability to connect with others. But later she wasn't so sure. Maybe it was only that she hadn't met the right man. Jack had set a pretty high standard.

It was after the baby's due date when Caroline had a call from Jack asking her to collect the children so that he could take Hazel to hospital. She rushed across town to get the children and took them to her flat. There was no news for twenty four hours and she felt as much tension as if it was her daughter's baby. When the phone eventually rang she let Amy answer and it was the news they'd been waiting for. Amy had a new brother called Oliver Graham, after Hazel's father. Caroline took the phone to check all was well and to offer Jack and Hazel her congratulations. She was delighted to get an invitation to visit as soon as she wanted.

They went at once and found Hazel feeding toothless, bald-headed Oliver Graham. Caroline sat beside her on the settee and Hazel took the baby from her breast, wiped his mouth and passed him to her. His face creased with pain and he was about to cry. Caroline lifted him under his arms to stretch his belly and he burped, his expression clearing. In her arms was a miniature version of Jack, complete with a stern frown – at least, that's what she saw. Cradling the baby, she was calm in a way she hadn't been for a long time. Oliver Graham waved his arms about and his hand grasped her forefinger. Jack was smiling. Ben and Amy were crowding forward to stare in wonderment at their tiny brother, their family complete. Her failures had harmed everyone who was important to her – except here was Oliver Graham, perfect in every way. She must be bold and stop looking back. Life was out there waiting for her to grasp a helping hand. It was never too late to start again and this time she knew how to get it right.

The End