Carpe Fucking Diem

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When you love him enough to kill him.
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Jade stood in her sunny kitchen, her hands wrapped around a coffee mug. She was watching two little birds wash their feathers in the bird-bath. Life goes on – she thought bitterly. Her life had fallen apart and the world hadn't even paused to acknowledge their pain. That had begun two years ago, the day Doug had been diagnosed with motor neuron disease. The prognosis was death, the time period from diagnosis to death was anything between two and ten years, not that many people made past five years. Doug was failing fast, even with the latest medication, Jade watched a little bit more of him die every day.

In the beginning he insisted on doing everything he still could do by himself – she figured anyone with the grim reaper knocking at their door would want to do as much themselves before they became incapable of doing it, so she didn't begrudge him that he suddenly wanted to control everything, in the last two years he had been forced to hand over all the control he once had to Jade, even control over his own body. Too soon he couldn't do the simplest things anymore, like walking. During their last visit to the hospital Doug's doctors had told them he was not one of the lucky or unlucky people who managed to keep going for more than five years. They had virtually guaranteed Doug six months ago that he had a year at most left.

His hands couldn't strum his guitar anymore, beautiful hands that had held their babies and caressed her body were now clenched in his lap in an unnatural position. His muscles in his legs had withered away and his once strong, wide shoulders hung like a vulture's wings now, the bones almost poking through his skin. His ribs stood out like a bone cage and under it his stomach had shrunken in as if he was starving. He tried his best to swallow the puree she made for him but they were heading towards a feeding tube and they both knew it.

The kitchen had become her private grieving area, she cried her tears here because she had to be strong everywhere else. Doug had cried in the beginning when he thought she was asleep, when he could still wipe the tears from his face. He had stopped crying a long time ago. He preferred to lie in the double bed they had moved downstairs into the family room for him, staring at nothing or pretending to be asleep when she came to him. He was locking her out of his pain and she didn't know whether she should have been grateful or insulted. It was bad enough to watch him wither and die, she couldn't imagine what it must be like for Doug.

Never the less, she told herself, we must begin the day; we must do as much as we can; we cannot just give up. Jade went to their bedroom and took their wedding album out of her bureau. She went to the den where Doug was pretending to be asleep. She switched the television off and let her fingertips trail down the side of his face and under his clenched jaw. She touched his lips gently with a finger and leaned forward to kiss his lips. Doug opened his eyes and Jade smiled at him, he didn't smile back.

"I was thinking of our wedding day." Doug stared at her. She sat down on the edge of the bed and opened the album.

"Do you want to see?" She asked without looking at him. Doug was silent.

"I take that as a no then." Jade continued as if he had said yes, talking about some detail in each photo as it caught her eye.

"Ah, the forget-me-nots in my bouquet for my Grandma." She smiled pensively, it was a sad time and a happy time.

"And there's little Allie, eating the rose petals instead of throwing them on the ground." She chuckled remembering her niece's upset stomach later.

"Here's you and your brothers." She took the photo out of its sleeve and dropped on his lap. After a few seconds Doug awkwardly picked it up. He grimaced which meant that he was smiling.

"Me, mos' ha'some." Jade looked at him and raised her eyebrows, she had often told him he was the most handsome brother, it was good that he remembered it. Doug grimaced again and she laughed.

"Yeah, okay, I'll let you believe that." She thanked God that she could still draw the old Doug out of this death-skull and laugh with him and love him as they used to.

"Sex' legs." He showed her a shaking thumbs up sign. She smiled and leaned over again to kiss him, he closed his eyes and when he felt her pull back after the kiss he reached out a trembling arm and put his hand under her chin. She sat still and let him look at her. He had the warmest brown eyes, with flecks of gold in them. Chocolate sauce she loved to drown in, she felt the warmth spread through her chest and moved up next to Doug on the bed.

"Let me look at you." He asked Jade. She responded by kissing him lightly on his lips and then his chin and then lower down in his neck where she loved to nuzzle her head when they made love. She pulled his covers down slowly and opened his shirt buttons. She kissed his chest and then his navel, her long sandy blonde hair splayed over his chest. Doug groaned softly. Jade didn't want to torture him, she sat up and pulled her top over her head, then dropped it on Doug's chest. He picked it up and put it against his nose and mouth, breathing in the essence of her. She stripped off her pants and then stood before him. She knew he wanted to look at her and that he wanted to tell which garment to remove first, panties or bra.

When he opened his eyes he saw his wife in her sexy red underwear, red wasn't her colour, Doug knew she was wearing it for him. He smiled at her in thanks.

"Give me your bra." He asked her. She gave him a self satisfied little smirk – the one women use on their husbands when they can predict his next move. She unhooked the bra at her back, but she wanted to tease him a little longer, so she let her arms fall to her sides, her breasts still well ensconced in the material. Doug looked at her and tilted his head, he was pleading with her. She smiled and took her bra off, her breasts popping out of their enclosure to happily parade for him. She stroked herself lightly, from her shoulder blade down between her mounds, then running her fingertips over her breasts and around them, cupping them like Doug loved to do before caressing her nipple by rubbing over it with her index finger, a sensation guaranteed to make her nipple shrivel from excitement and stand pointing out at him. She took her other nipple between her index finger and thumb and rolled it between them. Doug sighed. Jade looked down and saw the tell-tale bulge building under the sheet, she smiled.

"Panty." He reached out a shaking arm and she quickly stripped off her panty and gave it to him, she knew it hurt to stretch out his weak arms like that. He clutched her underwear in his hands, then he looked down to see his cock rising and smiled at her, very pleased with himself.

She had to be careful not to lie on his legs, so she lay down next to him and gently freed his cock from his shorts, she pulled them all the way off. He struggled but managed to part his legs slightly. Jade lay back next to him and then flipped her hair over his stomach and began to plant kisses on his erection. Doug groaned again, his hands still tightly clenching her underwear.

Jade's tongue followed her kisses and she licked him from the tip of his cock, down his shaft until she was nuzzling his balls. She returned her mouth to the tip of his cock and sucked it into her mouth, she could hear Doug's raspy panting and feel him jerking in excitement next to her. She lifted herself and very carefully straddled his face, lowering herself until her clit was just on his lips, he didn't have to reach for anything. He ran his tongue around the folds between her legs, teasing her and she groaned because the anticipation was becoming unbearable. Doug carried on teasing her so long she almost began to have violent thoughts about slapping him against the head to biting hi cock a little harder than she should, just so that he could feel her pain. Doug knew his impatient wife however and right before she began to complain, he acquiesced and she felt his tongue rubbing over her clit. It had already hardened from his teasing and when she felt his tongue she let out a long moan and gave herself willingly to his probing tongue.

She began to rock back and forth over his mouth and he was licking both clit and juice eagerly, tasting her, enjoying her. His cock began to ache and he put a trembling hand on it, tremors had advantages a he had found out. Doug sucked Jade's clit hard until she came, he was fervently finishing her so that she would straddle his cock. He felt her freeze stiffly above him and hold her breath and he redoubled his efforts, resulting in a squirt on his chin and neck and a screaming Jade above him. When her climax subsided he practically pushed her off his face and down, his weak arms having momentary strength.

Jade straddled his cock and sank down on it and his cock entered her right up to the bone. It was delicious. He could feel her muscles squeezing him and he wished they were a hundred times stronger. He watched her tits bouncing up and down as he felt his cock being engulfed in her pink pussy, altogether a wonderful sight and feeling. She squeezed her eyes shut tightly and Doug knew she was squeezing her vaginal muscles as tightly as she could because he loved it. She let out a howl almost as if she was in pain from the exertion of squeezing, but it paid off, she pulled his cum up his cock with those muscles and the world blurred in front of Doug until all he could see were two brown nipples and a flashback of watching his cum spurting from his cock with ferociousness. He groaned as though he was pushing against a wall and he felt the familiar flip deep inside as he spurted again.

She collapsed carefully on the bed next to him while they regained their breath.

"That was a quickie." She didn't sound pleased, Doug knew she liked the marathon event better, where the foreplay went on for an hour beforehand and by the time he got his dick in he was ready to blow. Women, they always wanted things both ways.

"Don't care. I came." He responded. She looked at him sadly, as if she was disappointed that he would settle for so little.

"You were not at your best." She said sternly.

"What?" He shouted. "Do you wanna see what this cock can do?" He knew she was playfully mocking him.

"I'd love to." She continued to taunt.

"Then get on your knees and suck me hard and I'll show you." He ordered. She smiled an evil smile.

"You better not disappoint me again." She said and before Doug could answer he felt his flaccid cock being eaten up, delicious... he didn't disappoint her the second time.

Lately Jade had been suffering from violent impulses to throttle something. She was watching Doug die and there wasn't a single thing she could do about it. The uselessness she felt pissed her off. She was a wife, a mother, a home maker, and she was nothing without Doug. Didn't God understand that He was taking more than one person by taking Doug? At this point she would have gladly made a deal with any devil that appeared, but the only devil in this picture was God Himself. Why did you give me understanding only to have that understanding hurt me? She pleaded silently with God that night, as she listened to her husband's labored breathing, his struggle to get through another night.

Their days were very much a rinse and repeat, breakfast, kids, school, shop, home, cuddle with Doug, deal with his depression, try not be morose all the time, lunch, kids etcetera. Carpe fucking Diem. She was trying.

"Hey noodle, wake up, I got chicken soup for you." She sat next to Doug and tickled his jaw until he opened his eyes.

"Hungry?" She asked and he shook his head, no.

"C'mon, just a bit." But Doug doggedly kept his jaw rigid. She lowered the spoon and waited.

"Remember the first time we made love?" He asked her.

"It would be hard to forget." She smiled wondering why this had occurred to him, now of all times.

"You were a scared kitten." Doug reminded her.

"Was not." She pretended to be indignant, she knew very well that she was afraid in the beginning. He had such a presence, and it was just what she needed at the time. She was sharing an apartment with a girlfriend and Tracey had gone out for the evening, leaving the single Jade alone at home. She woke up at two in the morning to the sound of glass breaking and was frozen stiff when she saw an intruder trying to crawl through the window. She screamed and she didn't stop screaming until Tracey's boyfriend slapped her face. So deep was her terror. The police were called and it turned out that this intruder had intruded elsewhere and had sexually assaulted three women before her. The case detectives came out that same night, one of them was Doug.

Stranger or not, she leeched onto him and wouldn't let the man go again. Doug was particularly fond of pointing out the effect of – what he called his charisma – on Jade. She told him she was being clever by holding on to the thickest tree. They didn't have to date long before she wanted to go all the way and he saw himself buying a ring in the future. But that first time... The night the rapist broke in kept coming back. They would make out and the foreplay would go swimmingly and then suddenly it was too much for Jade and she would ask Doug to stop. But he was unhindered, he coaxed, cajoled and entreated and finally his arm was around her, holding her tight and his hand was between her legs stroking her clit, and his voice was in her ear, encouraging her to let go and let it happen. She did and she came, she was so relieved to finally climax like a normal woman again she did unspeakable things to him that night and he thought he'd hit the jackpot. Lady in the lounge, dirty girl in the bedroom.

"You assaulted me." Doug said, the golden flecks in his eyes twinkling with naughtiness.

"I didn't hear you complain." She replied.

"Assault me again."

"You wouldn't be able to keep up." She was being cheeky.

"I never understood the 'no, no, please baby' part."

"You like it when things are clearly spelled out baby." She said and he frowned.

"Don't scowl, I'll give you anal with my vibrator if you carry on." Doug twisted his face into the worst scowl possible. Jade got up and left the room. He shouted after her.

"Tell me you're getting the vibe!" That man, she thought, today's the day he's going to get a lesson in the prostate gland.

Doug looked down at his cock, he struggled a bit but managed to get his cock out of his shorts so that it was saluting her when she returned. She walked in smiling, holding her purple vibrator and when she saw his cock she let her arms drop to her side.

"You are so easy." Jade said.

"Yep. Come here and stick that in me while you ride me."

"Foreplay?" She asked as if she was shocked that he would even suggest skipping such a thing.

"Second time." He promised. She shook her head sternly. "Douglas Morgan, you are a slut."

"Yep." No argument there. She gave up and sauntered over to his bed, hips swaying seductively. She tossed the vibrator on the bed and unzipped her skirt. She leaned over his feet and wiggled her backside and the skirt slipped off her hips. She climbed on the bed and positioned herself over his cock, then she let herself down until his tip brushed against her panty.

"Take it off." He moaned.

"Shut up." Doug shut up. Jade continued to let his cock rub against her panty. Then she lifted herself off again and pulled her panty down exposing her bare mound and her pussy.

"You'd love to lick this big boy. Wouldn't you?" Doug responded by increasing his panting and he tried to grab her. She scooted back quickly, just managing to steady herself with her hand on the bed behind her or she would sit on his legs and that would be no fun at all. She wiggled out of her panty and sitting bent back again on her heels with her legs spread, stroked her pussy with her free hand. Doug's cock was in front of her and it started to bounce lightly. She took her fingers out of her sopping cunt and pushed them into Doug's mouth, he eagerly licked her juice off her fingers.

She sat back again for stage two, she lifted her blouse over her head and quickly stripped her bra off. She gave him a second to focus his attention on the nipples hardening between her fingers when she rose over him and descended onto his face, planting a breast in his mouth. He licked and nibbled and she felt that familiar ache between her legs. The hell with this – she was as eager as he was.

"I wish this was a strap on." She said sitting back again, she picked up the vibrator and flipped the switch to on.

"Too much like cock in my ass." Doug said and frowned.

"Oh, so if it's too much like a cock, you don't want it? But a girl's toy is okay?"

"Yes." He grinned. She put his dick back in his shorts, with a struggle that made Doug proud of his still able cock, then he lifted his hips as much as he could and she pulled his shorts off. She tenderly spread his legs and then teased him with the vibrator, running it along his cock and under his balls and against his asshole, Doug began to moan softly, encouraging her not to stop.

"I got news for you, girls like cock." She breathed this in his face and then licked his lips and pulled back when he wanted to tongue her back, teasing him.

"Guys, like pussy. Give it." She moved to his side and placed herself over his hand and rocked her pussy back and forth on it. Her breasts were swinging back and forth over his chest and stomach and he stared almost hypnotized. God it was good to feel his hands on her. She leaned back on her haunches again and fingered herself until she came, he liked watching, it turned him on even more and she liked performing for him. She threw back her head and with a guttural shout she climax.

"Fuck, fuck oh fuck." She panted as her hand came to a stop. She was breathless but the moment she could move her arms she dived for the vibrator and pushed it into Doug's ass, eliciting wild moans from his tortured chest. He begged her not to stop. She decided she wanted his cock in her mouth and pounced on it and began sucking vigorously and Doug grunted loudly, already trying to hold back. He need not have feared, Jade was not going to let him cum that easily. She let his cock out of her mouth and he swore.

"Now, now baby, let's not rush." She said sweetly.

"For the love of all things holy... please do it again." He croaked. He felt the vibrator pressing against his prostate gland, which seemed to be the seat of all pleasure. The aching started deep inside of him and moved from his lower belly out to his genitals, which Jade was softly stroking. All the sensations combined with seeing his wife poised with her mouth open in front of his cock almost drove him insane, but she wouldn't let him cum.

She took his cock in her mouth slowly this time, spending time probing and licking his head, gripping it firmly at the base, she bit him lightly just behind his head and then rubbed her tongue over it. She sucked him in another inch and he cried out, she could feel his cock throbbing in her hand, she pushed it down her throat and allowed herself to gag on it, forcing her throat closed which in turn squeezed his head and him cum shot down her throat as if it felt this was the last time.

Grandma picked up the kids for a movie weekend with their cousins. Jade was grateful for the break and then punished herself with guilt because these were times with their father their children would never get back. In all the books she had read about a parent dying, not one told her how much normality to balance with the abnormality of watching a parent die. In the end she decided that although she deserved the break, she would feel more guilty if she was happy about it, so she was miserable – an emotion which seemed to be permanent these days. She dozed lightly next to Doug in the late afternoon, they woke up to see the sun setting outside the window, the dust the wind kicked up had turned the sky red and purple. It was beauty and madness mingled.

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