Celebrating National Nude Day Ch. 07

"Well, I must say, Mike, your entry is going to be a difficult one to beat. Unfortunately, as it states in the PMS official rule book, those who have entered the contest are ineligible to cast their vote for their story or for anyone else's story. Otherwise, I think that I'd be voting for your story rather than my own," said Stan with a chuckle. "Also, as with all of our contests, we do not accept anonymous votes. All votes must be signed by a registered PMS member and only one vote per member is allowed. Votes that are unidentified are ineligible and are not counted in the competition."

"Thank you," said Mike leaving the stage.

"Let's give Mike, I mean, Michelle, a big round of applause," said Stan starting the clapping as Michelle wiggled her cross dressing ass off the stage. The group voiced their appreciation of Mike's effort with cheers, whistles, and clapping.

"Thank you one and all," said Mike taking his seat with the rest of the perverts.

"Okay, who's next? Who celebrated National Nude Day and wants to share their story with the group? Also, let's not forget the rules. You must be naked. It must be sexual. And it must be something you haven't done before. With the rules in mind, who's next to regale us with their National Nude Day celebratory activities."

"I'll go," said Hal standing and making his way to the stage and up the stairs

"Here it comes. This ought to be good," said Dave rubbing his hands and giving Sam an elbow to the ribs. "I'm been waiting for this since they announced the National Nude Day contest last month." Dave leaned to the left to see the stage. "Hey, Eddie, change seats with me. I can't see over Weird Warren's big head. The freakin' guy is like seven foot tall. You're taller. You can see over him; I can't."

"No, I like my seat. I just got comfortable."

"I can't wait to hear what Hal did this time," said Nick to Ed. "Considering the nudity of the contest theme, it ought to be a real winner."

"Something really sick, perverted, and twisted, but hot, no doubt," said Ed to Nick. "I betcha it has something to do with his mother, his sister or his sisters-in-law. He has three of them, you know. It'd be weird if it was a story of incestuous group sex."

"Yeah, maybe, he did a story in the incest category and had sex with his mother-in-law and sisters-in-law. That would be so hot," said Nick. "Wow! I can't wait to hear what he did."

"Okay, Hal, come on up here," said Stan making room for him on the podium and looking through his papers before handing him the microphone. "Hmm, this must be some sort of mistake or a typographical error," he said looking at Hal. "I have here that you celebrated National Nude Day by doing something romantic. How ridiculous is that," he said laughing.

As soon as Stan laughed, everyone started laughing.

"Hal, romantic, can you imagine," said Sam. "Ha! Ha!"

"Romantic? Ha! Ha! Nah, you must have the papers confused with Glen's entry of last year. Do you remember him, the guy with thick glasses, acne, and who stuttered? He used National Nude Day to propose marriage butt naked to his girlfriend, only, it wasn't his girlfriend. It was just some girl he stalked at the mall and that he imagined was his girlfriend. Whatever happened to him, I wonder," said Dave.

"He was arrested and charged with indecent exposure, ordered to stay away from his victim, and found a permanent place on the National Sex Offender's Registry. We laughed him off the stage," said Eddie. "Ha! Ha!"

"Well, can you blame us," said Nick. "Whoever heard of a romantic pervert? C'mon, really, that's oxymoronic. Ha! Ha!"

"Of all people," said Dave. "Hal is anything but romantic."

"He's the epitome of insensitivity and sexually inappropriate behavior," said Sam. "There's not a romantic bone in his body. Ha! Ha!"

"For the record, I'd like to start by saying that this is not a mistake or a joke," said Hal with a look of unbecoming seriousness. "My contest entry is, indeed, a romantic one and I'm not sorry to say that, even after seeing the disappointment on all your faces. Moreover, it is not a romantic story with any of my blood relatives nor is it an incestuous story. Instead, it is a romantic love story with my wife of 15 years."

"Is he serious? He is serious," said Eddie. "Love? Give me lust to love any day."

"You see, Donna and I were married on National Nude Day on the grounds of a commune in Vermont and I used this holiday to celebrate and to pay tribute to our wedding anniversary. Unlike now, back then, we were honest and open. We harbored no secrets from one another, as we represented by taking our vows naked. We didn't want clothing to hide our bodies from one another and from our invited guests."

"What the fuck," said Dave. "I can't believe he's doing a romantic story. Are you kidding me? What the Hell is perverted about romance? Romance to a pervert is like garlic to Dracula." Talking with his hands, as he is in the habit of doing, Dave turned in his seat to address the other proud perverts sitting behind him. "Doing a romantic National Nude Day story is like playing hockey without a fight," he said shadow boxing. "It's like pitching to a hitter without pitching inside," he said swinging an imaginary bat. "It's like being a male Olympic swimmer, ice skater, and/or gymnast and not being gay," he said copying their moves with his arms. "It's un-American, I tell you. It's just not right."

"Think of a rooftop deck under a star filled night with a full moon smiling down on us as we dined naked. It was a beautiful evening. It was perfectly romantic and she swooned being naked in my arms. I could not have asked for a better evening. We stood there holding one another and not talking, but enjoying the view, looking up at the stars, and remembering the way we were when we were young and innocent. We even made a wish when we saw a shooting star. Twinkle, twinkle little star..."

"Yeah, there was a full moon last night," said Nick. "I was out there with my binoculars looking in people's windows. If I knew Hal's wife was going to be naked on her rooftop, I would have focused my binoculars in their direction. Anyway, I saw this one broad with big tits undressing and when—"

"Shh," knock it off, Nick," said Stan.

"We had white wine with Cesar salad, shrimp cocktail, crab cakes, and lobster over a bed of fluffy, white rice," said Hal painting a romantic picture for the members to appreciate. "In between kisses, we fed one another pieces of lobster, as we sipped our wine with arms interlocking," he said with a laugh. "We did more kissing than we did eating. It's been some time since we kissed one another like that. The ambiance of the evening and romantic mood was intoxicating."

"Speaking of intoxication, it was a nice night for a barbeque. If it was me on the rooftop, I'd have double shots of Jack with sirloin burgers smothered in mushrooms and onions," said Dave. "There's nothing like a big, fat juicy burger accompanied by plenty of Jack to put me in the mood for romance," he said moving his hand back in forth in front of his mouth, as if he was getting a blowjob.

"We danced cheek to cheek to Sinatra's Strangers in the Night, Manilow's Mandy, and Mathis's Chances Are playing softly over the stereo. It was so romantic dancing naked with her like that. My cock was so hard and she was already wet for me. We touched one another everywhere, as we slowly danced. I felt like I was dancing with her at our wedding, only back then we danced without touching one another, that is, not until we were alone in our honeymoon suite."

"If I was up on that rooftop with my wife, I would have turned the volume all the way up playing Queen, AC/DC, and Metalica, while I humped, slammed, and slapped my wife's naked ass cheeks," said Sam. "There's nothing more romantic than anal in the moonlight."

"We kissed, cuddled, fondled, and held one another before we moved to the blanket and made sweet, slow love. It was amazing," said Hal. "She had an orgasm with me inside of her and then we had one together. It felt like our wedding night all over again, only better. I couldn't have asked for the repeat of a better honeymoon."

"Before I was married to my butch, lesbian dyke of a wife, I was alone once on a rooftop with my then girlfriend. I fucked her and then she blew me. She swallowed. I don't think we kissed once. I'm not into snowballing," said Nick. "That was kind of romantic, I guess."

"Only, this story is more a story of penance than it is of romance," said Hal. "It all started when my wife openly confronted me about my perversions. She asked me how I could love her if I continually looked at other semi-naked and naked woman. Her question made me think."

"His question makes me think what his wife looks like naked," said Dave.

"His wife is hot," said Eddie. "I'd do her."

"You'd do a bagel," said Nick.

"It depends on the kind of bagel. I wouldn't do the garlic bagel," said Eddie. "They make my cock smell like garlic and I wouldn't do the sesame seed ones. The sesame seeds get caught in my pee hole. It's quite painful. It's like passing a stone in reverse."

"That's waaaaay too much information, Eddie," said Dave.

"Did I love my wife? Am I happy being married to her? I answered both questions in the affirmative and then asked myself her unasked, but implied question," said Hal. "Then, why do I feel the need to look at pornography? That, my fellow perverted ones, was a more difficult question for me to answer and my honest answer was, indeed, telling."

"It's because with that advent of the Internet, we can relax in the comfort of our homes while jerking off to on screen images," said Dave. "With super fast computers, we have access to X-rated videos that we would have had to sit in a dirty cinema, in the seedy part of town, with a bunch of other perverts to watch it, not that long ago."

"Yes, you are correct, Dave," said Hal. "From the time of Adam and Eve, temptation has always been there and now technology has made it easier for all of us to be closet pornographers. Yet, by my wife asking me innocently if I loved her, she made me realize that every minute I look away from her to look at and lust over another woman, I'm cheating. Suddenly, I was embarrassed, ashamed, and guilt ridden." He looked out at the members waiting for him to speak. "Because I love my wife, I couldn't cheat on her anymore, which is why I celebrated my 15th anniversary on National Nude Day while being naked with my wife, while only thinking of my wife, and while making love to her on our rooftop deck."

"Cheating? No, way," said Eddie.

"You're nuts," said Sam. "I don't consider looking at naked women cheating. That's crazy, Hal."

"I never cheated on my wife," said Dave. "Yet, I wonder, is it cheating if I think of Hal's wife making love with my wife?"

"Looking and not touching is not considered cheating," said Stan. "And yes, by Hal's definition of cheating, thinking of Hal's wife making love to your wife is, indeed, cheating. I have an erection, though, just thinking about that."

"Yes, I know there are many of you who don't feel that pornography is cheating, but, indeed, it is," said Hal. "Yet, if I wasn't cheating on my wife by viewing naked women on the Internet, then, why do I feel the need to sneak behind her back while viewing pornographic images? Even, though I've never had sex with another woman since I married my wife, Donna, I've not been a faithful husband to her. I've cheated on her by my impure thoughts and in the lust that I hold for other women."

"Why do I suddenly feel like I'm listening to Jimmy Swaggart confess his affair with a New Orleans prostitute, again? I have sinned against you my lord."

"I feel the same way, Sam, only, I think Hal turned into Jimmy Carter," said Dave.

"Jimmy Carter? Why him," asked Sam?

"Do you remember President Carter subjugating the citizenry by aligning himself with the moral majority after confessing to having looked at Playboy and then telling the world that he cheated on his wife Roslyn with his impure thoughts?"

"Gees, do you think that Jimmy Carter jerked off over Playboy," asked Sam?"

"Even though that's an image I'd rather not consider, it's safe to say that he choked his chicken," said Nick.

"There's your answer," said Dave pointing to an empty peanut bag.

"What do you mean," asked Sam?

"Look! He ate the entire bag," said Dave holding up an empty bag of Planter's peanuts. "That's what happened to President Carter. He was a peanut farmer and must have eaten one too many peanuts, groundnuts, legumes and it went right to his brain."

"If you are looking for romance, then read another story by a more romantic writer," continued Hal oblivious to the comments coming from the peanut gallery. "Yet, I assure you, what my story may lack in romance; it drips with sincerity, faithfulness, and devoted love for my wife. Moreover, romance is so much more erotic than sex. After a while how much can you say and write about sex that hasn't been said or written better before? Someone is having intercourse or getting or giving oral sex. It's all been said and done over and again."

"Oh, brother," said Eddie sticking his finger in the empty bag of peanuts, crumpling it, and tossing it on the floor. "I hate stories that begin by asking the moral question and then end by paying tribute to loving wives. She must have given him sex, a blowjob, last night for him to get all soft to go hearts and flowers on us. What a waste of a good Nude Day story. This sucks."

"Yet, a romantic story is a story that lasts throughout time," continued Hal. "Whenever writing or saying romantic thoughts, people find a quotation that was said or written to include in a card to their loved one. Their romantic sentiments are copied over and again. Never are sexual thoughts regarded in the same way. Lovers are more readily to write, 'You melt me with your look,' rather than 'I want to fuck you by the brook.'"

"This is not good," said Dave. "He must have had a blow to the head. Maybe he fell off his motorcycle on the way here. I can't believe he's reciting poetry, now."

"Well, some poems are good. Dirty and sexual limericks are excitingly humorous. Did you ever read the one about, there once was a man from Kent—"

"Not now, Eddie," said Dave. I want to hear Hal self-destruct."

"I decided to clean up my act after my wife found my secret stash of DVD's of her naked and masturbating, of our daughter naked and masturbating, of her mother naked and masturbating, of my sisters naked and masturbating, of her sisters naked and masturbating, of my grandmother naked and masturbating, of her grandmother naked and masturbating, of my sisters-in-laws naked and masturbating, of her sisters-in-laws naked and masturbating, of our babysitters masturbating their boyfriends, of our neighbors having sex, and of her Bible Study Club using our bathroom."

"If you're throwing out your master masturbation collection of DVD's, Hal, I can bring them to the dump for you," said Dave. "Really, it's no trouble at all. I'm going by there anyway, one day, sometime, in the distant future...eventually."

"Thanks Dave, but they're already gone."

"Damn it," said Dave. "I mean, I was looking forward to taking a drive to the dump."

"Does this mean what I think it means? Are you quitting the club?"

"Yeah, it does, Sam. This is my last story. My pervert days are over. I've already erased all the pornographic images from my computer."

"Oh, my God," said Stan. "You really are serious about taking the long and narrow road instead of the short and windy staircase with the cut out steps or the escalator up behind a woman with a short skirt."

"Yes, I am, Stan. It's time to find sanity in my life. If I put the time, effort, and money in something that is more constructive to my personal growth and not as destructive to my moral soul, I'd be happier. Besides, I want to get closer to my wife by looking at her in the way that I look at other women. I yearn to rediscover her sexuality in a romantic atmosphere and in the privacy of our bedroom behind a closed door, where it belongs, instead of in my office and on my computer screen. This National Nude Day has reawakened my love for my wife and is the beginning of the end of perversions and inappropriate sexual thoughts for me. I'm a new man."

"Happier? Did Hal just say that he'd be happier without pornography in his life?"

"He did, Sam," said Eddie. "I couldn't believe it myself."

"Well, I'm sure that I'm not alone in wishing you success in your new found lifestyle," said Stan shaking hands with him.

"He'll be back," said Dave. "Once you've surf pornography on the Internet, there's no turning away from it. It's like a thirsty man trying to go without water or a hungry man trying to do without food. A perverted man can never go without graphically explicit images for very long. I figure he'll last only as long as his brain gets an inappropriate thought and sends a rush of blood to his pecker."

"Peanuts to dollars he'll be back," said Nick.

"Peanuts to dollars he'll be back," said Sam.

"I don't know," said Eddie. "He looks pretty serious in his demeanor. And if I know something about Hal, once he puts his mind to something, he succeeds."

"Quiet down, guys," said Stan. "Hal still has the floor. Out of respect for his last story, let's give him our complete attention." Stan turned to Hal. "Okay, Hal, the microphone is yours, again."

"I'd like to finish by saying that I've had a long run of sexually twisted behavior in my life and it's not going to be easy to go without doing the sexual things that I have done over the years. Yet, the love that I have for my wife and the romance that I plan to reignite with her will recapture the spark we once had. Sure, I'll have my weak moments when my sexual thoughts will interrupt me trying to live my life without lascivious thoughts and lewd behavior. During those times, I will simply have to find other and better emotional outlets to replace those erotic thoughts, such as romance, affection, and appreciation for my wife."

"Yeah, maybe you should take up naked bungee jumping," said Stan. "My ex-wife and ex-mother-in-law highly, about 20 feet up, recommend it. Ha! Ha!"

Everyone laughed with Stan's comment.

"All it takes, Hal," said Dave. "Is the wind blowing up a skirt of a cute woman walking ahead of you to reveal her thong or bikini panty clad round ass. All it takes is a down blouse view of the bra and/or cleavage and/or nipple of a young, attractive mother stooping to give comfort to her child sitting in a stroller, as you happen to pass by her. All it takes is a spam notice of Paparazzi images of Jessica Alba or Angelina Jolie or the latest sex tape of Pamela Anderson or Paris Hilton to restore your perverted libido to where it was."

"I'm sure you're right, Dave, but I'm tired of living my life beneath the dark cloud of debauchery while dirty dancing with the devil."

"Dark cloud of debauchery while dirty dancing with the devil," said Eddie. "See, that's where he's wrong about quoting romantic thoughts versus sexual thoughts. I'd write, 'May you celebrate another year beneath the dark cloud of debauchery while dirty dancing with the devil,' on a birthday or anniversary card to my wife."

"You would," said Nick.

"Hey, Hal, can I use that dirty dancing with the devil line?"

"Be my guest, Eddie."

"Thanks Hal. You're a pal."

"See? It's starting with you, too, Eddie," said Dave.

"What starting with me?"

"You're starting to speak in verse."

"I am not." He looked at Dave with panic. "I am?"

"Thanks Hal, you're a pal?" Dave looked at him. "Dear God, man, did you eat any of Hal's peanuts?"

"No, but I handled the empty bag. I...I...I stuck my finger in the bag."

"Quick! Go wash your hands and scrub that finger before it's too late and before you catch whatever Hal has and are no longer a pervert in good standing of the Perverted Men's Symposium."