Celebrity Jerk-A-Thon Ch. 02

"How much did we pay for these guys?" the younger sister asked as she watched the band members disembark.

"One hundred grand."

"That much?"

"Well," Ashley began. "They had to cancel several other engagements to accommodate us. And then the airfare..."

Mary Kate watched intently as the men filed past them with their instruments in hand, forming a slow-moving, solemn procession toward the stage that had been prepared for them. "Everyone of these guys is a hunk," she said ecstatically. "I'm so glad I found out about them. Look at them, Ash. They're all gorgeous!"

"I'm looking!" Ashley replied, also impressed by the fine display of male flesh.

The twins had assigned the task of coordinating the event to a local party planning organization that was comprised solely of women. This 30-person crew was now in full operation, seeing to it that every detail of Ashley's plan was assiduously carried out in conjunction with her wishes. The twins marveled at the speed at which this female crew worked, responding with respect and deference to every command issued to them by the sisters, who supervised everything from where the buffet tables were to be set up to how the lighting was to be rigged for the upcoming performance. And during all this frenetic preparation, several of the male performers were sitting chatting together under one of the many big tents that dotted the immense landscape that comprised the twins' backyard—all of it overlooking the vast Pacific Ocean.

It was a glorious day. The temperature was in the mid-80s but dry and with a gentle prevailing westerly breeze that was a welcome relief to the steadily increasing heat that came with the approach of the mid-day hour. Both Ashley and her sister were dressed in the same white tennis shorts and matching blouse. It was too hot to wear anything more confining. In the tent nearest to them sat Craig, Barney, and Joey Balls. The other performers were nowhere to be found.

"They're probably in the house freshening up," Ashley said, surveying the grounds.

"Probably." Mary Kate agreed. She eyed the men who would soon be standing naked before her and her celebrity friends with interest. "Look at them. Not one of them is moving a muscle."

"Can you blame them?" Ashley replied, momentarily diverted from giving one of the party crew instructions. "They need to save their strength."

Mary Kate giggled. "And they're going to need it for this crowd."

At that moment a large van pulled up to the front gate and several women got out. All of them were carrying video equipment.

"Here they are!" Ashley said. "The ladies who are going to record every cumshot for posterity!"

Mary Kate laughed. "And there is going to be a lot of cum flying around here today! Come on. Let's go and spend some time with the guys."

With the flurry of activity going on all around them, the twins found the comfort and shade of the tent most refreshing. Craig and Barney sat next to each other sipping on beers, while Joey Balls sat in the far corner of the tent, his legs outstretched to accommodate his humongous balls. He had changed from his sweatpants into his usual khaki outback garb, his wide-brimmed Australian Bushman's hat lying on the table in front of him. He was just about to remove the tab from a can of beer when he saw them approach. He quickly tried to adjust his pants to hide his monstrous balls but all he succeeded in doing was spilling beer on his shirt. Mary Kate couldn't stop herself from chuckling at the sight, but Ashley found her curiosity aroused by the odd spectacle.

"Do they hurt you?" she asked the little man.

"Does what hurt me, miss?" Joey replied, looking up at her but not rising from his chair.

"You know...your testicles."

"You would think these two blighters would cause me a lot of discomfort wouldn't you?" he said with a tinge of bemusement. "But the truth is, they ain't no bother to me right now."

"And why is that?" Mary Kate asked.

Joey chuckled. "There's a good reason for it, miss. It's because they're full of sperm."

As hard as she tried, Ashley could not hold back her laughter at this unexpected confession. Both she and her sister continued to stare at the dwarf's genitals unashamedly while both Craig and Barney howled.

"That's all right. You go ahead and laugh my dears," Joey said, obligingly. "It don't bother me none. But it's the truth. I'll tell you that."

This only caused everyone to laugh even more violently.

"It's okay, Joey," Barney said. "We don't mean you any disrespect."

"I know that," Joey said good-naturedly. "But I'm used to it by now. People laughin' and carryin' on about my nut sack and the jewels within 'em. So go right ahead and laugh. But I guarantee you won't be laughin' once you see what they can do."

He said this with a certain degree of pride.

"We're sorry, Joey." Ashley said, regaining her composure. "It's just that the reality of it...you know. We were warned."

"Yes, I know. It's always like that. Hearin' about these great big beauties of mine is one thing; the reality, another."

"Yeah, something like that."

There was a momentary lull in the conversation as Joey took a sip of beer. His face became pensive. "If you don't mind me asking, miss," he said to Ashley. "Who was it who told you about me?"

Ashley looked at her sister, which she sometimes did when confronted with an awkward situation. Most times self-assured and confident, the older twin rarely needed moral support from anybody. But she felt sorry for Joey and did not want to say anything that might further belittle him. "It wasn't anyone specific. We just heard some stories, that's all."

"What stories, miss?"

"Sisterhood stories, you know," Mary Kate stated flatly, coming to her sister's rescue.

Joey shrugged and looked away. "Oh, them."

His tone of voice sounded a bit solemn, but his look was one of regret.

Ashley's maternal instincts now took over. "What's wrong, Joey?" she asked, taking a seat next to him. "You don't seem very happy."

"Oh, it's a long story, miss," he replied without looking at her. "Too long to go into it now. Let's just say your Sisterhood friends had somethin' to do with it."

"But the Sisters love you. You don't have anything against them, do you?"

"If I did I wouldn't be performin' here for you now," he replied dourly. "No, it was the nasty actions of a few of them that made me sour on the whole Sisterhood business. But that's all behind me now."

If Joey thought he was going to get away without an interrogation, he was mistaken. If anything, his confession only piqued the twins' curiosity.

"What do you mean?" Mary Kate asked, pulling a chair up next to her sister. "What nasty actions?"

Joey seemed reluctant to go on with his story, but his genuine affection for the two girls made him feel less recalcitrant, and quelled his natural reserve. "It all started with that damn EJAX-472 business," he began disdainfully. "Now, I'm not knockin' the drug, mind you. God knows it's a wonder. And that Dr. Chris...Chris...

"Christiana Swensen," Ashley said.

"Yeah, Dr. Swensen...well she's a downright genius. But it was her sister's husband who messed everything up, the miserable bastard. Because of him I got wrapped up in an illegal drug scheme and got myself deported. Messy business it was. Messy business."

"We heard that you were shot out of a canon," Mary Kate said. "Is that true?"

Joey took another swig of beer. "Yes, miss. I'm ashamed to say it, but it's true. Dr. Swensen's big sister, Bonnie I think her name was, got so ravin' mad at me that she had her henchmen throw me in a canon and fire it off—straight into her swimmin' pool I went! And it wasmycanon! Crickey!"

"I think that's terrible," Ashley said, feeling genuine pity for the little man.

"Me too," Mary Kate agreed.

"The truth of it was, my dears, is that I had it comin'. You see that accursed drug was far from perfect at the time and it had some, let's say,uniqueside effects."

"Like what?" Ashley inquired.

"Well—and I'm sure you two have probably heard about this—for one thing, the drug puts a man's reproductive capacity into high gear. Meanin' that a bloke could ejaculate for about fifteen or twenty minutes at a time, shootin' out enough spunk to fill a bathtub."

"We know what the drug can do," Mary Kate said perfunctorily. "We've seen Craig and Barney perform under its influence."

"That drug brought me nothing but problems," Craig said. "And Barney too."

"But you chaps got off light compared to me," Joey replied. "A man my size...I could've been killed being fired from that canon."

"But why did Bonnie do that to you?" Ashley insisted. "What did you do that got her so pissed off?"

Joey shook his head numbly. "I insulted her, called her and her friends whores, bitches, you name it. Every ugly word I could think of I called them. It was another side effect of the drug. It made me act like a madman. And then of course once they found out about my involvement with Phillip...well, that sealed the deal right there. I was toast."

The dwarf spent the next ten minutes describing every detail of the lurid story to the twins, who let him tell it without further interruption. By the time he had finished, they had formed an even higher opinion of him.

"The fact that you are here today," Ashley began, "says a lot about you. "I don't think that Dr. Swensen, or even Bonnie for that matter, could harbor any resentment toward you. You were a victim of the drug, just as Craig and Barney were."

"That's damn right," Barney said. "You have nothing to be ashamed of Joey. No more than Craig and I have to be ashamed."

Barney and Craig lifted their cans of beer in the air and saluted their little friend.

Joey looked as if he were going to cry. "Thank you gentlemen and ladies. Thank you."

Upon leaving the tent, the sisters made it a point to speak to the rest of the performers on an individual basis in an attempt to make each person feel comfortable and attended to. The deference shown was certainly not wasted on Olga, who seemed to almost demand preferential treatment from everyone. Her imperious demeanor softened a bit once the twins made her feel at home. Even the dwarfs seemed to relax a little more once they saw that their mistress was at ease.

On a more pragmatic level, one of the problems with inviting huge groups of people to such an event was the issue of parking. There simply would not be enough room for all the cars. It was Mary Kate who hit upon the idea of hiring luxury buses leaving from LA airport to shuttle all the celebrities back and forth. And the first of these pulled up to the estate just after 2:00 p.m.

The list of attendees was impressive even by Hollywood's standards. But it wasn't just actresses who had been invited. "Celebrities" by definition could just as easily include musicians, singers, writers, and artists who had made a name for themselves—some being more well known than others. The only criterion that really mattered was that each of these women had to be a member of the Sisterhood. And, as Ashley and Mary Kate soon discovered, there were many more members than they ever imagined.

Some of these celebrities were well known to the sisters; others were not. Some of them had been referred to Ashley and Mary Kate by their friends, but most of the names were obtained through Holly, who supplied them with a complete roster. This was a great help since there were more than a thousand Sisterhood members in the greater Los Angeles vicinity alone.

The first person off the bus was none other than Drew Barrymore, followed by Brittany Murphy, Kelly Ripa, Christina Ricci, and Natalie Portman, who, surprisingly, was accompanied by a very nice looking guy. He looked like he could have been her twin.

"What's he doing here?" Mary Kate asked, surprised to see a male amongst all the women.

"It's Natalie's stepbrother," Ashley replied. "I met him once about a year ago. He's very nice."

"But what is he doing here?"

"Natalie volunteered him for the show."

Mary Kate looked puzzled. "She volunteered him? But we don't know anything about him."

"She told me he has a big dick and cums like a horse. She said he'd fit right in."

The younger sister's eyes lit up. "What's his name?"

"James. He just celebrated his eighteenth birthday yesterday. This is his birthday present."

"Really?" Mary Kate mused. "Well I don't think he should be part of the show. We really don't know what he can do and it's too late to start making changes now in any case. I think we should save him for an aperitif."

"An aperitif it is," Ashley agreed. "Shall we say hello to our guests?"

Even as the twins greeted the gathering throng, other buses began to arrive with their precious cargo. Soon, the entire front lawn was filled with beautiful people.

Once they had greeted Drew and their other immediate friends, Ashley and Mary Kate decided to retreat into the house and let the party planners escort the celebrities to their seats on the back lawn. From their vantage point on the balcony the girls watched the long line of the rich and famous descend upon their lawn en masse, their lively voices chattering away against the backdrop of the crashing waves on the shoreline below. Ashley thought it best that she and her sister wait until the crowd was settled in their seats before making their appearance. In this way they could simply walk onto the stage and address everyone at once using the PA system. There would be time during the dinner and show to make the multitude of acquaintances that etiquette demanded.

"Look! There's Madonna and Britney!" Mary Kate said, pointing to the two singers as they walked past the entrance to the lawn.

"Britney's put on weight again," Ashley said dolefully.

"And look...there's Jennifer Love Hewitt with...who is that woman?"

"I don't know," Ashley replied squinting her eyes. "It looks like...oh, it's Hillary Duff!"

Mary Kate groaned. "Why the hell did she dye her hair black? She looks so sluttish."

"Now how am I supposed to know?" Ashley retorted. "I think that's Alyssa Milano over by the tent."

"She's so beautiful, isn't she?"

"She always looks beautiful," Ashley agreed.

"And there's Sarah Michelle Gellar with Monica Bellucci."

"I didn't know they were friends."

"They're working on a new movie. Gee, Ash, you're so out of the loop."

Ashley shook her head. "Well, you're the actress in the family now. I'm too busy designing clothes to care about who's filming what."

"Sure, sure," Mary Kate chided her. "Whatever you say."

The line snaked across the lawn slowly, inexorably, until the twins grew tired of trying to spot the innumerable faces that comprised the epitome of Hollywood's "Who's Who". It was now an hour after the first bus had arrived, and most of the guests were now fraternizing or sampling the multifarious delicacies on offer at the various buffet tables that dotted the lawn.

"It's almost four o'clock," Ashley said, reaching for her pen and clipboard. "I suppose we should get out there."

"Showtime!" her sister answered, eagerly leading the way downstairs.

The huge blue tent that was set up behind the stage was where the performers were to remain until it was their time to take the stage. Another much bigger tent, adjacent to the blue tent, was reserved for the fifty men who comprised the orchestra. Both tents had window screens that allowed those inside to look out onto the stage. It was with some difficulty that the twins had to maneuver themselves through the crowd without having to stop every so often to greet people. Eventually they did manage to reach the entrance of the tent and once inside they went over the last-minute details of the performance with their stars.

"Okay guys, here's the deal," Ashley began. "After Mary Kate and I give our welcoming speech the band is going to play their intro song and then you're on." She looked at Joey, who was standing with the Russian dwarfs making jokes. "Joey, are you listening to me?"

The dwarf stopped laughing and his face become serious. "I sure am, my lovely. I'm to be first up. Got it."

"Okay," Ashley replied. "I just want to make sure."

"Ready and rarin' to go, miss!" Joey said, adjusting his oversized pants.

Mary Kate giggled at the sight. "I can't wait to see this," she said to her sister.

Ashley nodded. She was just as anxious to see what the little man was capable of, but at the moment she had more important business to attend to.

"The entire show," she continued, "with the inclusion of the band's routine, should be approximately an hour and a half long, which means if we began now, we should finish up around 5:30 p.m. or so. The band will continue to play until 9:00 p.m. but the rest of you are to go out into the audience and socialize with the celebrities. They know about this and they're expecting you to entertain them—if you know what I mean."

"You wouldn't be talking about anything sexual, would you?" Tom Murphy asked.

"That's exactly what we're talking about," Mary Kate replied. "These women have spent thousands of dollars for their tickets and they want their money's worth. Does anyone have a problem with that?"

No one said a word except Olga. "There is no problem, Mary Kate," she began. "It's not often I let my boys off the leash, so this will be fun for them. Right boys?"

All seven dwarfs nodded in agreement.

"Good," Ashley said. "Now, go out there and do a great job, as I know you all will. Good luck everyone!"

"Break a leg!" Mary Kate added as she followed her sister through the tent door.

As soon as the twins made their entrance onto the stage the entire crowd stood up and applauded loudly. It was a vast sea of faces the greeted the girls, all of whom were smiling and laughing. Some of the women the twins recognized right off were standing in the front three rows: Alessia Merz, Alicia Silverstone, Angelina Jolie, Brooke Shields, Cameron Diaz, Carmen Electra, Cat Deeley, Charisma Carpenter, Charlize Theron, Christina Aguilera, Christy Turlington, Claudia Schiffer, Courtney Love, Danni Minogue, Demi Moore, Elizabeth Hurley, Gwyneth Paltrow, Halle Berry, Heather Graham, Holly Valance, Jamie Prestley, Janet Jackson, Jennifer Lopez, Courtney Cox, and dozens of other people less well known. As Joey had intimated earlier, it was clear that many of the women were already drunk. The girls waited until the applause abated before speaking.

"Thank you everyone," Ashley said into the microphone. "Mary Kate and I want to welcome each and every one of you to our Jerk-A-Thon. First let me say that your generosity and kindness are most appreciated by my sister and I and our Chapter leader, Ms. Holly McKenzie, who was recently the proud mother of a baby girl."

At this pronouncement the entire audience erupted with cheers and applause. As the twins waited for the noise to subside, they saw Brooke Burke, Jessica Alba, Kate Winslet, Gwen Stefani, and Beyonce sitting in close proximity to each other in the front seats. All of them looked like they had been drinking heavily.

"Three cheers for Holly!" Brooke shouted as she raised her glass high and almost lost her footing.

A deafening roar of applause suddenly rose up like a tidal wave as all the celebrities screamed their approval at once. Ashley reached for Mary Kate's hand; both sisters overcome with excitement. As soon as the shouting and applause subsided, Ashley continued.

"As you can see from your handbills, we have put together what we consider to be the most spectacular sexual event ever produced. Now, I invite you all to sit back, relax and enjoy the show."

Again, a round of applause greeted the twins. Mary Kate signaled to the orchestra leader to bring the band onstage. As soon as the naked conductor set foot on the platform, the entire crowd went completely wild. The sisters quickly retreated to the rear of the stage to make room for the men as they came gingerly waltzing by toward their respective chairs, each carrying his own instrument.