Change

Anyway, with Lisa around my second year actually went a LOT faster than the first, and I returned home once more with a LOT of money, most of it hidden away quite safely. Even the first year money was mostly hidden because Darlene never knew exactly how much more I made then than my normal salary. And anyway, Archie, her new husband was rich! Maybe.

I had no alimony to pay and no child support and I had ALL my 401K money plus about 10 years worth of normal salary money safely in my (armored) back pocket. I could retire at any time. So I came on back to the USA and started working for Bill again part time and only on "away" jobs. I actually stayed mostly in a nice Marriott Residence Inn suite in Chattanooga that I negotiated a nice monthly rate for. I was still getting skype calls and the occasional email from Darlene, now she was wondering exactly when I would be getting back. "I miss you so bad, sweetie - you can't imagine. I need you honey, please come home soon! Don't you know the date yet?" Blah, blah, blah.

Well, I needed to come clean with her, I guess. But no hurry.

I was actually back in Monteagle for once at the Mountain Goat Restaurant on Main street having lunch with Bill and a potential large job customer, when Darlene walked in with a handsome and attentive guy that was NOT Archie. Well, this was certainly interesting.

Darlene had eyes almost entirely for this new hunk, while I was observing them just with my peripheral vision. There is this theory that people can "feel" when other people are looking at them, and I didn't want to even risk that.

But eventually, Darlene did happen to look around at a noisy commotion behind me that grabbed her attention. She noticed me. Gig is up! And I just smiled at her and gave a little wave. She turned white and fearful looking, like she had JUST been caught with her hand in the cookie jar - and then she turned red and real angry looking.

She came right over to me. "You're back, you bastard! You didn't even let me know."

"I'm sorry, Darlene. I guess after all is said and done I just had a change of heart. I didn't want to share you, so better to just let you go to your real love. I knew he was it. And I wasn't. It worked out well for everyone. You guys are married and we are divorced. I guess I was just too ashamed to tell you face to face. I still love you, for the years we shared and even our daughter - before she even turned on me - but I really am NOT "in love" with you anymore. Sorry."

Now she just looked sad, so very, very sad.

"We need to talk, Joe. Really. Please? Can you come by and see me at my home tonight?"

"With Archie, there? I don't think so."

"Archie won't be there. In fact, Archie and I are separated. He had to leave town suddenly. For his health. He asked me to go with him but I decided to stay here with my family. Tina has a new baby. A sweet beautiful little girl, Krystal. You are a grandfather, Joe. How about that?"

I just couldn't look too enthusiastic. First I had heard of it. Neither Tina or Darlene had bothered with this news before. Darlene's smile faded and she pleaded, "please, Joe - come by and we'll talk about it all. The truth and nothing but, for once. Please? Can you?"

"What about your date?" and I nodded at the other guy.

"Yes, I am on a lunch date, but it's just very casual right now. He has nothing to say about this - you - at all Joe. So please say you will come?"

"Sure, Darlene, I owe you at least this much. I'll try to be as honest with you. What time?"

"Oh, anytime after six. I'll have food ready if you want to eat. Nothing special. I don't cook fancy much anymore. Not just for me by myself."

"OK, Darlene - go on back to your friend and enjoy. Really. Later."

Well, I wasn't looking forward to this. I could see nothing but pain coming out of this meeting. But she did seem honestly upset I had apparently just "dumped" her and I did owe her a chance to pay me back and "get even". Nevermind how really devastating it was to me to be replaced by another man in her heart of hearts.

So I went to meet my doom. Ha.

I did have one major question I really wanted answered.

"Darlene, why does Tina hate me so much?"

Darlene looked right at me, eye to eye.

And then she sighed.

"Because she has been literally brainwashed and very successfully, by her grandmother. And I never stopped that from happening. Irma has ALWAYS disliked you and put you down to me, privately. I didn't let it bother me - I thought - for years and years. It rolled off me like water off a duck's back, but I also never argued back or defended you. I guess I was just too weak...

"But she did the same thing with Tina, though more subtly. She tried but never made any headway when Tina was a child. Tina wouldn't put up with it and got mad whenever Irma started that crap. But then as Tina became a teenager and you had to correct some her mistakes and rebellious attitudes, Irma found that crack and really started exploiting it. But you being here and just being the normal loving and caring father you were neutralized that poison, mostly.

"But then you went away for a year and didn't consider this aspect. How could you? You didn't have a clue it was going on...but I knew it was and said nothing and did nothing. Irma broke her when you were gone. And I let it happen and even thought it would benefit me with Archie and that whole mess and getting you to go along with my foolishness. And now it's all ashes and we all lost so much. Everyone lost but my fucking Mom. She got everything SHE wanted. You out of the picture, out of my life, out of your daughter's life. Out of even your granddaughter Krystal's life.

"Some days, it's all I can do not to kill her. I mean it. I hate her with a passion and she doesn't even know it! Because she's all I have left now. If I kill her or break it off with her, I am so afraid I'll also lose Tina and Krystal. Oh Joe, how did I get here? I still don't understand."

It was like Darlene had this secret life all the years we had been married. I really needed to think about some things.

"Where's Archie? What's really going on there?"

Another sigh.

"Archie had to move away because a couple of men beat him up, bad - and threatened to kill him if he DIDN'T move away - far away. Archie was screwing their wives, too. Oh, not at the same time - all of us together - but he ALWAYS had someone else on his string. Archie was like catnip to a LOT of women. They couldn't refuse him - and he couldn't refuse them NOT refusing him. He cheated on me way back in high school. I knew it and ignored it back then just because I didn't want it to be true. I'm a weak woman, Joe. I've always been."

"And you also just couldn't say no to his big cock, either, could you? I saw how you reacted to it that Sunday night. I thought maybe we still had a chance until then. After that I just thought why torture myself - I just couldn't compete with your...lust...for that."

"Oh, Joe. You're wrong...but also right. It wasn't his size or his sexual skill - sex acts themselves - that you couldn't compete with - it was his seduction techniques, the romance he promised both overtly and subtly. I wanted romance - and he delivered merely because he had had so much practice on other women doing that. Almost all women want romance - kind of an obsessive love. It gives one SUCH a feeling of power. Power while actually just submitting to another. It's kind of a psychological judo. I don't ever have much of a feeling of "power" in my own life, Joe. I'm a weak woman, I admit it. My Mom dominates me. Even you did, mostly - even though you were so nice and fair throughout our marriage.

"And that whole two husbands idea was giving me a tremendous feeling of power. It was this power I was lusting after, even more than sex with his big cock, sex with you, and even sex with him and you, at once. That Sunday night when we finished and I was completely exhausted and sated - I was also feeling like Queen of the World - most powerful woman ever. What a fool I was, and you pretty much quashed that immediately by just leaving me again. Like going as far away from me as you could get. I knew then we were over, us, our happy, happy marriage. And it was a happy marriage for me, always. Even that last year when I got stupid. Except I had ALWAYS been stupid, Joe. I should have truly left my Mom when we first got married - just not interacted with her except minimally on holidays and stuff."

"So, you knew I wasn't coming back? Why the emails and skype calls indicating otherwise?"

"I was just hoping, Joe. Pretending. Every email and skype call with you, I was scared. Scared this would be the time the hammer dropped. But I guess you were just still too nice to do that. Thanks for that, Joe - but you should have let me know the truth, anyway."

"So that's why you're dating other men? You just KNEW I wasn't coming back, even though neither of us said it officially? To me, that's still cheating Darlene - more than the cheating I did - because we did get divorced and you did marry Archie but still kept declaring how much you needed me. You may not have noticed but I never declared I was coming back to you after our divorce was finalized. I just didn't say I wasn't. I did have dates and sex with other women - but I wasn't stringing you along verbally or even in my own head. I know this seems hypocritical but can you understand this point at all?"

"All I know is that I messed up. I have messed up in so many ways. I never wanted a divorce from you, Joe. But I did want Archie too and I wanted that power. You got me good, Joe. I just wish you could have gotten me in a way that wasn't so fatal to our marriage and our family...I don't even know how that could have happened..."

"Oh, I know. I could have NOT divorced you and we could have just led separate lives until - maybe - you got all or most of this nonsense worked out of your system. But I would have been very unhappy all those months or years - and with no guarantees at all. I'm not ecstatically happy right now, but I'm not miserable either. You know me. I like being married and I like a warm woman in my bed every night. You know what my appetites are. I like a LOT of sex. But all with a woman I love and who loves me. I'm satisfied with that. I'm not the greatest lover and certainly not a great romancer. Marriage works out great for me, for people like me, with just a little bit of luck to find a compatible mate. I thought you were exactly that. I KNOW you were exactly that - right up until you weren't.

"So, I'm sorry too, but you really still don't know how much you hurt me, do you? How much being discarded and replaced by a "better man" hurts. You fucking cunt! Fuck you as well as your Mom all to hell. What a selfish silly stupid woman you turned out to be, all along. How did you manage to actually stay alive 40 years just being so stupid and immature? Those are the questions you better start asking yourself."

Darlene looked shocked and then started crying.

"Stop crying you fucking bitch. Grow a backbone and use it, even with me! I'm giving you just one more chance and one free lesson advice how to fix your own life, repair our family just a tad, and maybe, MAYBE, you and me having some kind of relationship going forward."

Darlene was doing that hiccupping thing trying to stop crying.

"I...I...I'll do anything to try and make some of this better, Joe. I promise, please..."

"First and foremost you need to have a heart-to-heart with Tina on ALL of this crap. You also need to set-up a meeting with us three, you, me, and Tina - to try and repair my relationship with my daughter. This is non-negotiable and absolutely necessary. If it doesn't happen then WE don't happen, either. I'll just never see or talk to either of you again. Period. End of story."

"I'll try. I will."

"Trying isn't good enough. Second, you need to start standing up for yourself against your bitch of a mother. You do NOT have to cut her out of your life, totally. But you have to understand she might and probably will, cut you out if you do stand up to her. You still have to do it. It's part of growing up and also part of "all evil needs to succeed is a good woman do nothing." Your Mom has been acting evil - and you doing nothing is letting that evil succeed - unless you think the destruction of your marriage to me and of our family is a good thing?"

"No, it wasn't. It was the worst thing that ever happened to me."

"Oh, and you need to divorce Archie right now. He's an asshole and you know it as well as I do. You DO need to be married, like I do, and if we don't ever work out again it won't bother me if you end up with a good faithful husband. But not some asshole romantic adulterer jerk like the Archie's of the world."

"I've already filed, honey. I'm trying. I've kind of figured some of these things out myself, really. I was hoping when you came home we could get straightened out and put all this behind us. Archie was gone and the divorce and the threats of violence would assure you he was totally out of the picture. Our picture. I was so shocked to see you today, though - and I did feel so guilty being with Charlie when it happened. He's a nice guy, Joe - much more like you than like Archie. At least he acts like it, so far. But there's no spark between us for me. He's been after me, not the other way round like it was when I first went after Archie in high school and then you in college. This is the honest truth."

"OK, I believe you. I'll leave you my new cellphone number and call me when you set up the meeting with Tina. Don't bother calling me otherwise, except maybe dire emergencies. And that better be something I consider dire. Got it?"

"Yes, Joe. I guess this is goodbye or hopefully just au revoir for now, but could you please just hold me a bit before you go?"

So I held her while she silently cried in my arms for a few minutes. Then I walked out the door and never looked back.

Months passed and then years and the call never came.

I was serious about never contacting Darlene again if that first condition wasn't met - but not my daughter. Four months after my meeting with Darlene I sent her a letter. It was just an "I'd like to meet my granddaughter" letter. I wanted a new start, please - all water under the bridge and no recriminations from me. Please. I gave it a month and no reply.

I had started asking questions of Bill and some of my other relatives about Darlene and Tina. What they could tell me. Archie had never come back and the divorce notice had been posted in the local newspaper. Darlene and that Charlie guy were a "thing" - but not living together. The "Clayton girls" now including Krystal were tighter than ever. I knew where Tina and Todd were living - a rental house - and that Tina had a full time job now in the school district offices where Darlene still worked. Todd was a day laborer who worked when he could but otherwise by default was becoming the primary caregiver for Krystal.

So, I just decided to visit Krystal one Thursday night about seven. A final effort.

I rang the doorbell with hat in hand, literally.

Tina answered the door and immediately sneered at me.

"What are YOU doing here?"

"Hi, Tina. It's been a while. I'd just like to meet Krystal. Can I? Can I come in."

"Not a chance asshole. Leave right now or I swear I'm calling 911!"

"But why? What have I ever done to you???" I really was mystified.

"Because I know what you are really like! I know how you abused Mom all those years! Mom was too scared to tell me but Grandma told me everything, every dirty secret - and I'm not risking you being around Krystal!"

"That's just not true. Why would you believe Irma? You LIVED with me, with us, for 18 years. Think, girl, THINK! If it was true you would KNOW it by having seen it! Your Mom wasn't too scared to tell you - there wasn't a thing to tell!"

Her face got real red and her eyes were spitting sparks. But she wasn't believing me. She wasn't believing her own life experiences. Darlene was right - she had been brainwashed by the constant lies.

"Go away, you sad horrible little man. I don't need you and your granddaughter doesn't either. We don't need or want anything from you. Run on back to Afghanistan or anywhere like you did before. You DID abandon your family, Mom and me. She cried at first but then she got so happy you were gone - happy and relieved. She started seeing other men the second week you were gone, and then Archie came along to really save her. Save us!

"And then you just HAD to come back and ruin everything again. All it took was one week for you to do that! You're just poison. Go away!"

She started to slam the door and I stopped her.

"Well, in that week I gave Darlene what she wanted - an easy divorce, and I DID go away again so she could just live happily ever after with Archie. Say, where IS Archie? How did THAT work out? Is Archie spoiling Krystal like I want to - would love to?"

Like her Mom, Tina had an incredible ability to get real red in the face. She turned and yelled at Todd. "Todd, call 911 quickly. My Dad's here and threatening me!"

Todd came running and carrying Krystal. Strange - carrying the baby into a presumably dangerous situation?

Little Krystal was beautiful. Beautiful even though she was getting ready to cry from Tina's yelling. My heart broke just looking at her and knowing she was going to be exposed to three crazy women her whole life, her great grandmother, her grandmother, and now, obviously, her mother. It was just so sad.

Todd just said, "Hi Joe. I...uh, guess you'd better go."

"Tod., Yes. Guess you're right. Take care of my granddaughter best you can, OK? Watch those Clayton girls real careful, hear? Goodbye."

I sure understood why Darlene never called me. She either failed outright or just knew she couldn't change Tina's view of the world - of me.

After a year I had pretty much totally retired from work. I bought a small but nice home on the Tennessee River. I also bought an additional 20 acres just across the county road from my river frontage property. This land was a lot cheaper since there was no actual public access to the river from there for at least ten miles. I could do some gentleman farming on the cleared ten acres and hunt on all twenty. Shotgun hunting for sure and even rifle deer hunting from a tree stand or other elevated position so the ground would always be the safety backstop. I built a pretty nice pole barn on this property and bought myself a nice used midsized Kubota tractor with attachments, front end loader, blade, plow, and grass cutter. With a trailer to haul it around, I was set for not only working my own land but helping neighbors or even occasionally some paid jobs.

The house property came with a boat dock and I bought a used Bayrider 238 for cruising and fishing. I also started socializing more. In particular I started dancing with a dance troop in Chattanooga - the Southern Nights Cloggers. I had actually learned to clog as a kid. Old time music and dance was a pretty common hobby amongst long time residents on the Cumberland Plateau. It was now a hobby for many "city folks" in places like Nashville, Atlanta, Chattanooga, etc. Like a lot of dancing, seems girls and women always outnumbered the men, so I was accepted into the group right away - especially with my "authentic" style.

We weren't a large group, Twelve women and eight men. I wasn't quite the oldest. There was one smallish sixty year old man who could still hoof it. Clogging is a kind of tap dancing. Specifically "Appalachian Mountain Clogging" has it's own style. A lot of the individual steps are the same as in modern tap dancing, but the major difference is how a clogger vs. a tapper looks. A good clogger always looks kind of like they are floating because both feet are always moving at the same time. Tappers often look like they are standing on one foot and tapping with the other. Cloggers don't because the non-tapping foot is moving back and forth at the same time the tapping foot is tapping. Hard to describe but there are now a lot of clogging videos on youtube.