Chapter 4: Reoccuring Thoughts

It had felt so real that night with him. Even though I knew it was only over the net, the feelings were there. I would think of it and feel the moistness as it grew within me. I had an experience never before felt. The passions, like a composition filling to its highest crescendo in a crash of emotional waves. I still shudder at the thoughts, of him in my mind.

I try to get control of myself as I begin having these reoccurring daydreams of you. Why do these thoughts of you plague me so? I don’t understand, and cannot fathom as to why. Why are they so constant? I know that I cannot help but smile when I do. I stop to shake the cobwebs from my head, and decide to start my day. Looking over to the clock, I see it’s only 7:10 am; I have time before I can give you a quick tingle on the phone. I get up and head off to do the mundane chores.

Yes, that dreaded thing of every woman’s nightmares housework! I could think of a lot better things to do with my time. Rising from my desk, I head off into the kitchen. I put the kettle on for a fresh cup of coffee and begin running the dishwater from this mornings breakfast. Once done I put on a load of clothes, and begin straightening around the house. I try to find things to occupy my time, trying to find things to occupy my mind is even harder. I can’t rightly understand why you plague my thoughts so.

Heading back to the kitchen, I fill the sink with the dishes and begin to wash them. Amid washing the plates, I stop. An impish grin plays across my mouth, as I look down and stare at the soapsuds on my hands. I lightly rub my hands together. Squeezing the suds within my grasp and watching as they slip from between my fingers. My thoughts turn to what it would be like having you in the shower with me. Thinking what delicious fun we could have. My word. I’m missing you so much.

I find it troubling that I cannot keep you from my thoughts. Taking a deep breath, and once again I shake the thoughts loose from my mind. My day goes with relative ease, as the time slowly ticks away. I thought of the times we shared together. The many hours spent in deep conversations. However, most often my time spent at your side; with whom I love beyond all others. Love with such a passion, so intense that it is like a wound to my heart. Laughing and chaffing one another, we would spend so few hours together, but each one of such quality, always treasured always remembered in my heart.

I fix myself a coffee and decide to sit on the computer to chat. I greet online friends, our chats casual. I talk to one of the girls I had met on a trip earlier this year in the states. She has been my friend for a very long time and one whom I care for and respect highly. I travelled several days to meet with her and when we did, we had such a ball! We talked much of the times and experiences we had in the chat. We ribbed one another of times, many jokes and tricks played to one another in that time. Many happy times as well as sorrows that have passed between us as well. She is an online sub, one who meets her Master face to face...I envy her.

The one thing that I would give in this whole world would be to meet him. I would love to have that opportunity, but that is not on our side, living so far from one another. I guess that is good in a way. Maybe, one day we will stand face to face, looking up into each other’s eyes. I want to feel him hold me in his strong arms and warm embrace, and see the real depth of the passion and love that we share within ourselves for each other. I think that it is but a dream for both of us, living in a torrid fantasy, alone in our own thoughts. My yearning for him is always there, and I crave his touch. Just once to hear him once, whispering my name softly against my ear. It is a dream that we both dream, the one thing most of all that binds us together.

I guess you could say we are both old fashioned and most hopeless romantics. We crave the sweet attention and give it so readily, both of us lavishing what we give in return. I tell my girlfriend that I will return and pick up the phone to call him. Our talk is not long, but hearing his voice moves me in so many ways. The chime of his laugh is infectious; you cannot help yourself to not smile or even laugh with him when he does. I start to pout because I know I cannot talk long, as he is at work, but we talk many times during the day through messages and quick calls. I bid him goodbye and he tells me we will talk soon, I feel a sense of loss as I hang up my phone. It is like, an emptiness in the pit of my belly. I know he is with me always. I have but to touch my heart and know that he is there. Shaking off my sorrows, I regather myself and return to talk to my girlfriend awhile.

My girlfriend and I talked for quite some time, but the clock was still ticking away too slowly for me. After awhile she told me, it was time for bed. “Chuckling”, I think we were both tired of listening to each other talk of our men in our online lives. We prattled on for a long time about them. With us being a world and a half, away time is so different. It didn’t help much, so we bid each other sweet sleeps and she signed off. I fumbled around for something to do. I folded a load of clothes and proceeded to put on another load. Time passed as I sent him a short note in ICQ, telling him that I loved him and would see him later. I signed off and went to start my dinner.

I remember one night in the chat he told me of a dream he had. He told me that he envisioned me in white, we were facing one another looking into each other’s eyes, no words said between us. He was fishing you see, finding out what I thought of online marriages. You see, in our chat couples can have an online marriage and be that of a couple, permanently bonded by rings or tags. It would show others that they belong to one that means the most to them. I recollect that I had told him that no one would DARE catch me dressed in white, as I laughed. He seemed disheartened. The months that we had been together online, were precious to us both. We always looked forward to our time together and distraught when we could not be together for some real life drama or another. Our understanding was the one thing that kept us bound together.

This one particular time I was waiting for him, I was going through my avatars and came across a set of rings, ones that people would wear upon their names to show that they are bound. I pulled them from my bag and set them to a corner, hidden but not fully out of sight. That night when he came online, I was not at my computer at the time. He is very observant as he pointed them out to me, circling them with a red drawing as to show me where I had put them. I commented on his eyesight, but said nothing. Then I had asked him “Do you have something to ask me?” You could feel the tension as if nothing was even there. We had our cams on and I could see the turmoil in his face, wondering if that was what I was thinking as well. I let it go for a time; he jotted me a note in the chat telling me that if what he thought I meant was wrong he would feel most foolish. I enquired as to what he wished to ask me that made him so uncomfortable. I must admit it was very hard to try to keep a straight face on cam without busting a gut immediately.

Time passed as I let him stew on his thoughts, as I would not reveal anything in my eyes or words to give him inkling as to my meaning. After quite some time he typed a question, He asked if I would be his and his alone. He asked if I would marry him online. I said nothing; I gave no indication of acknowledgement for him to see. No words issued forth from my mouth, just utter silence. Then I frowned, I think you could see the sweat bead on his forehead from the hush and stillness between us. I watched as he shifted in his seat uncomfortably. I watched his eyes darting this way and that. I saw him drop his head and he began to type and enquired of the weather where I was.

I could not hold it in any longer. Laughing aloud, I told him it was about time he asked me…and he called me a mean bitch. I wondered if I would have to do it myself. The joy he showed was most contagious, as I got caught up into it myself. This for months is something I longed for, to be a part of him.

He asked that I stay in the room we were in that he would return for me. I did not know what he was doing only that he said it was a surprise. Finally, he bade me to come to him, when I did, my heart started in surprise. The room he made in which he was asking me to be his bride. He said he had had this a very long time but afraid to ask as I said I wouldn’t wear white. He was afraid I would turn him away, or not wish to be with him if he did. I blushed and told him I was waiting for him to ask this of me for a very long time, because the strong feelings between us and I wished to be with no one else.

“Will you marry me?” He asked quietly.

“I will,” Delighted beyond all measures, my heart feeling as if it has taken wings in flight.

“I want you to belong to me and no other,” he said.

“That I already do, I will be yours for my life.” My heart beat so hard I felt as if it would burst from my chest.

“Do you swear it? “He looks into my eyes, his face sombre.

“Upon the brightest star, the highest wave in the ocean, my heart beats for you and no other. “I speak ever so softly.

He holds out his hand. I reached out to put my hand in his and it felt as if a lightening bolt seared through me. The convulsion sizzled from my finger to my feet and arched then to my head. Tears begin to trickle like pewter rain, down my cheeks. Turning to me, he reaches up and gently wipes away my tears with his thumb. He tells me of his love for me and the tears run anew. Reaching down to gently kisses me, and I feel him smile against my lips. Long and passionate his kiss was, I felt as if my whole body was going to melt. I languidly soften into his arms. I thought there could be nothing that would ever go bad with what we have together. He tells me now that there is nothing that could make him any happier. I don’t think that I could agree more. The circle is now complete. We are both happy in our lives being able to give one another something of due happiness.