Charlie's Redemption

Initially she went at it hammer and tongs, immersing herself in programs in an attempt to become an expert in seven days or seven hours depending on what she was trying to learn. Natasha soon came to the rescue and started teaching her the fundamentals of computers, and it was Natasha who introduced her to the Linux operating system. She was an uber geek, as opposed to just an ordinary geek like Linda but she'd grown to love the system so much she installed it on her old computer, which was now used as a set top recorder for her television.

There were those inside and outside the fellowship who had even suggested that she should do a course at Tafe and become an IT engineer but Linda preferred psychology and her sex therapy, she had always said that if she worked on computers for a living she'd very quickly turn a hobby into a chore.

"Natasha would be the one for this," she turned to another computer, "it's not as simple as just loading it onto a single computer, any idiot can do that but if you want networked computers then she'd be the one to do it although I could help, or," she glanced at Charlie.

"Me?" Charlie swivelled in her chair.

"Why not?" Linda shrugged, "it'd be a good experience, I've got an actual job that does take up quite a bit of time but you've got a bit of spare time on your hands."

Charlie was genuinely surprised at this turnaround but Casey seemed more than willing to take a chance on her.

"So, how much would Natasha charge?"

When Linda told her the cost she nodded.

"Okay, that sounds doable but I have to run it past my boss, and the vicar of course, in the end it all comes down to budgets," and then seeing the defeated look on Charlie's face she smiled.

"If we don't spend all the budget this year we'll get less next year, there are a couple of projects out there competing for the money but they're still on the drawing board but if this can be set up within the next three months then we're well within the deadline."

Even so, it seemed like a pipe dream to Charlie, whose understanding of budgets amounted to managing a weekly food run and if she needed to buy any luxuries she had to save money for it. Her last two credit cards had sent her into voluntary insolvency, for which she was still making monthly payments.

"It might even come off," Linda mused as they headed to a meeting later that night, "she's got the stamina and a good head on her shoulders. They actually poached her for the position after she led a similar project up in Sydney."

"I don't know much about her to be honest," Charlie admitted, "she's certainly surprised me. I went to her drop in centre last night, it was um, interesting."

"In what way?"

Charlie launched into a brief summary of the previous night and by the time she'd finished Linda was pulling into the carpark of a church in Box Hill.

"So, she outed herself to you," Linda stared straight ahead, "interesting."

"That's in confidence, I think."

"Doesn't matter if it is or not," Linda shrugged, "she will only tell me if she needs feedback, but the things she tells me are in confidence."

"Of course," Charlie stared out the window, "but I'm fighting my urges."

"What for?" Linda stared at her, "you're gay, you like women and she is an attractive women, both on the outside and the inside," she propped her arms on the steering wheel.

"The problem with your last attempt was your dishonesty. The feelings and desires you had for Zoe were certainly normal but it was the way you went about it that was wrong, but you've made your amends for that. We should neither regret the past nor look for encores. What's done is done and if you want to get ahead and find this mythical mental stability then you need to do things differently this time around," she glanced at Charlie.

"If you want to love another then you first have to love yourself. I've seen hundreds of people in my office with relationship problems and the one mitigating factor is lack of self love or self esteem, it drives them to make compromises that would've been unthinkable, excuse behaviour that is harmful to them and enable abusive and selfish actions. The only way through it is to change your attitude towards you," she leaned back in her seat.

"Once you change your attitude towards yourself then you either drive those closest to you to make their own adjustments or you drive them away. It's not a case of me versus him or her, it's more a case of stepping up to the plate and recognising your own worth, it's a very attractive quality but it's so hard to attain."

"I'll never get that," Charlie grunted.

"It's a daily program," Linda slapped her leg, "you only have to do it for one day at a time, how do you think I got through my marriage breakup? I was a fucking relationship counsellor who couldn't even save her own marriage. Believe me, there were plenty of times I stared out the window over a half cold cup of coffee and felt like crawling back into my shell. Poor me, poor me, pour me another drink," she smirked.

"Get up tomorrow morning and do something small for yourself, you don't have to spend money to make yourself feel good. Get an attitude of gratitude, write down one thing you're grateful for that day and if you do that for the next fourteen days you'll find the old grey blanket starts to lift," she fixed her eyes on a member walking into the church hall.

"And as for what may or may not happen, leave that up your Higher Power whatever the hell that is for you. You can't change her or anyone else but you can change yourself."

***

Change. It was what she'd been trying to do all her life. She'd resonated with the words on the walls of AA meetings. Alcohol gave me wings to fly and then it took away the sky. Charlie stared at her reflection in the dressing table mirror as she adjusted the collar of a pinstripe blouse. Having said that though, familiarity bred contempt, she fingered the collar. The blouse was something she'd worn at least once or twice a week for the last few months, it was functional and could be quite chic in an understated way. She let her eyes play over the charcoal-grey trousers, they too were worn at least two or three times a week, she actually had a second pair hanging in the wardrobe.

Change.

Charlie stared at her reflection and then a moment later she sighed.

"Just fucking do it," she started unbuttoning the blouse.

The result some three minutes later was definitely racier and yet still suitable office attire, a white blouse buttoned to just above her cleavage tucked into tight black trousers and accessorised with a necklace of white and black beads. The belt had a silver buckle that matched the silver buckles on her shoes, she fastened the black waistcoat and added a black jacket. It only occurred to her as she prepared to head out to work that she'd worn the same blouse and suit the afternoon she'd tried to seduce Zoe.

So, let's make better memories then.

***

The outfit certainly made an impression on her colleagues Charlie mused some five hours later as she stepped out of the hot bread kitchen with her purchases in a paper bag and a bottle of orange and mango juice in her hand. Even the shy manager's P.A had commented on her outfit, Roberta had thought she looked chic and Charlie had the sneaking suspicion that the twenty two year old woman was checking her out discreetly.

But of course I would think that, Charlie mused as she made her way to a nearby bench, it was just the way of the world. No doubt guys thought the same way about Roberta as well. She came to a stop though when she reached the bench, it was right by a tree that had been planted when the paving stones had been laid down. What had been a green initiative had turned into a health and safety nightmare as the root system had pushed the paving stones up to create a tripping hazard. The woman sitting on the bench rubbing her ankle was instantly familiar though. Casey looked up at that moment and grimaced.

"Hiya," Charlie stepped closer, "what did you do to yourself?"

"Fucking pavers," Casey sighed, "I was looking at my phone instead of the ground and I stumbled on the pavers. Who plants trees like this on a suburban street? It's just asking for trouble."

Charlie sat down beside her and looked down at her ankle.

"How bad is it?"

"A dull ache," she replied, "but at least nothing's broken, I stumbled."

"We've got a first aid kit at work," Charlie looked past her, "although you'd have to walk there."

"I'll be okay I think but thanks," Casey stretched her leg out gingerly, "where do you work?"

"Over there," she pointed in the direction of the car dealership, "the grand irony of getting sober means that while I can't legally drive a car I can sell cars."

"Sucks for you," she smiled slyly.

"I can go on one of those drink drive programs in six months time or thereabouts. I've got a bike in the garage that needs a bit of attention, whenever I'm in the garage I keep looking at it and thinking I should do something with it."

"I guess so," Casey eyed the hot bread kitchen, "I might join you for lunch," she put some weight on her feet, "here goes nothing," she rose and Charlie got ready in case she fell but a moment or two later she relaxed as Casey limped towards the shop.

She returned some five minutes later with a couple of pasties and a bottle of Coke.

"How're you feeling now?"

"Better," she sat down beside her, "I think it was just the initial shock of wrenching my foot on that bloody monstrosity down there," she scowled at the distorted paving stone.

"What the fuck happened to common sense? I get it that they want a bit of greenery on the streets but they should have consulted a horticulturist or at least a gardener before slapping in trees that will wreck the street."

"I agree," she took a swig of Coke, "I've tripped over pavers a few times, especially when I'd had a few too many."

The conversation moved onto other matters after that. Casey had spoken to her manager about the planned project at the church and had just been given the news that funding would be forthcoming albeit with certain conditions. They wanted a projected expenses estimate along with a few things, one of which was the cost of an IT technician to oversee the computers.

Casey had contacted Natasha last night to organise an actual quote and had to tell her the format the council would require. It had gone through first thing in the morning and she'd been expecting it to go through the usual monthly process but to her surprise it had been given the green light almost right away. The shock was actually the reason she'd tripped on the paving stone.

"Amanda has given me the rest of the day off," she finally finished, "so I might just head home and put my feet up for a bit."

"I wish I could get a half day off," she replied.

"You can always trip on the paver," she nudged her playfully, "I'll even be a witness."

"Perhaps not," Charlie grimaced, "knowing my luck I'd bust my ankle and be off work for months but thanks for the offer."

"You're welcome," she gathered up her rubbish, "what time do you finish work?"

"Five," she replied.

"Fancy a ride home?"

"Don't you have to rest your foot?"

"I do but it's not like I want to sit at home and milk it. The best thing for you is to keep on moving, there's nothing worse for your well being than sitting around for too long. To be honest I could even just go back to work but Amanda is pretty insistent I at least take the rest of the day off."

"Only if it's not going to cause you grief," she rose slowly, "if you can't do it then just send me a text and I'll just head for the bus stop."

They parted a minute or so later and Charlie made her way back to work, wondering about the significance of the meeting with Casey.

Is this a Higher Power job?

***

It was certainly a question Charlie asked herself more than once over the next two weeks because Casey seemed quite stuck on her, she'd taken to picking her up after work for the three days she was at the dealership and taking her back home and in a bizarre twist of fate Charlie was now a volunteer at the drop in centre. It felt odd though because she wasn't Christian and even admitted as much to the other volunteers, but it hadn't had much impact on the volunteers from the Uniting Church. The same couldn't be said for the others but even they were starting to come around, thanks to Casey's unabashed recommendation.

Nevertheless, despite all of that, Charlie hadn't seen any sign that Casey was about to dip her toes in the pool. She was always careful to qualify any remarks that could be seen as flirtatious and yet the fact she actually came out with such remarks was a sign that she wasn't as Christian as she made out. Her Christian faith seemed so laid back as to be almost nonexistent, which just made it all the more attractive.

Was this her plan after all? Charlie stared at her reflection the mirror that Sunday morning. She couldn't believe she was even considering going to church. She'd abandoned church not long after she was confirmed. It had displeased her mother but even when she came out there was no sudden explosion, her mum had simply quoted a bible verse but then left her alone. Just lately her mother had been skipping her monthly mass in favour of a day out with the girls.

Charlie ran a critical eye over her outfit. She'd bought the skirt last week, it was a three-quarter length black skirt that went well with the pink, short-sleeved blouse and black heels. The skirt was made of thin material that felt soft against her skin. It was the first time she'd worn it though and she turned to get a side view of herself and satisfied that it looked good, she started on her makeup as she ruminated further.

Unlike Peter and John, Casey wasn't a preacher and in fact she'd admitted that preaching the 'Good News' had always made her cringe one night as they made their way home from a night at the drop in centre.

"It's so American when they ask if you've heard the good news and when you ask about this good news, they tell you that you're going to burn forever in a lake of fire."

"The Catholics are the same although we have purgatory, which is where we stay while our relatives ask God to let us into heaven. I gave up on the idea of God because I realised that every fucking religion and denomination on the planet all thinks that they've got a monopoly on the truth and all the others are either outright heretics or misguided. No wonder Jesus hasn't come back to Earth in two thousand years he's probably wondering what the hell happened to these people."

Casey's response had shocked her.

"A wise man once said that if the universe lives and breathes and has its being within God then God should be put on trial for being asleep at the wheel."

Charlie frowned as she studied her reflection. The remark had just been left hanging as one of those one liners but it hinted of something else, a growing disinterest in Christianity.

Or was it? Charlie glanced up as she heard the rumble of a V8 engine in the drive. A moment later she got to her feet and hurried through to the front door. Maybe she was just picking holes out of goat shit. She opened the door just as Casey got to the front step.

"Hiya," she grinned, "you ready?"

"Yeah, just got to get my handbag," she opened the flywire door.

"You look nice," Casey stepped inside.

"So do you," Charlie gave her the once over, "nice dress."

"This old thing?" Casey tugged at it, "I bought in from Saint Vinnies."

The sleeveless brown dress had two wide straps and an open front that stopped at her waistline. She wore a white long-sleeved blouse under it, the dress was cinched at the waist with a wool-blend belt cut from the same material as the dress. A pair of blue suede heels and gold bangles completed the outfit and Charlie felt a slight weakness in her belly.

"You look hot," she backed away, "sorry, but I had to say it."

"You're forgiven," Casey grinned.

"I'll just get my bag," Charlie exited the room.

When she returned Casey was perched on the edge of the couch playing with her phone and she looked up briefly.

"Sorry, got to send this text to what's his face. I forgot I'd agreed to go to his church today but now that I'm taking you out I have to change plans."

"What church was that?"

"A Baptist one, but seeing as I'm taking you to church we'll go for the Uniting one."

"What's the difference?"

"The Baptists tend to be a little, conservative," she replied a moment later, "they're a bit over the top if you know what I mean. They have this weird two handed handshake with one hand halfway up your arm, it's like they're terrified you're going to run away from the creepy guy."

"Sounds creepy," Charlie winced.

"Shall we?" Casey stood up.

***

The last time Charlie could remember being in a church was when she was sixteen and had to go to a cousin's confirmation. Her most vivid memory was the feeling of condemnation as she stared at the gigantic crucifix hanging from the wall because by then she'd well and truly come out to her mother. Jesus seemed more tired than usual as if even he was tired of her shit and that was before she crossed the line into alcoholic drinking. Thankfully this time there was no dying Jesus on the cross hanging from the wall but the cross still brought back memories. It was a little disconcerting, because the Protestants weren't constantly standing up to repeat phrases from the catechism and the priest was actually a rather casually dressed woman. Charlie was worried about the sacraments, but Casey reassured her in the carpark that she didn't need to take it or even confess anything.

"What happens between you and God stays between you and God, and we don't believe it turns into the actual body and blood of Jesus," she opened the door.

"Why not?" Charlie opened her door.

"Because of science," she chuckled, "we've moved on from the days when Christians argued about how many angels could dance on a pinhead."

Charlie glanced around the church as the vicar started talking. This part was familiar, the priest always gave a sermon, which usually involved making everyone else feel more miserable than the bloody priest.

"Today I want to talk about love," she started, "love in all its forms, from the love we have for God to the love we have for our friends, families and partners. Love has no rules, no moral edict telling you how or whom to love. It isn't homophobic either in case any of you are wondering about that one but you already know my stance on that subject. Love is the letting go of our own desires and looking out for how we can serve another person," she glanced around the church.

Charlie straightened up slowly, aware that the hairs on the back of her head had started tingling and then the vicar went on.

"You've heard this before, I know you have because I've given this sermon before but I want to share with you something that happened to me this week when I dropped in on an old friend and she asked me how can the church accept homosexuals? My answer was simple. Do they love the lord their God with all their heart and do they love their neighbour as they love themselves? If they pass both of those tests then please tell me how you can justify shutting them out because of two rather vague verses that speak out against it?"

Charlie shifted in her seat as the sermon continued. It was the first time she'd heard such an elegant and uplifting confirmation of homosexual love. Granted there were limitations, such as avoiding sex before they were married but that was the same for straight couples as well, and even then she left a get out of jail card dangling.

"But at the end of the day it's none of our business. We have far more pressing issues such as the immoral detention of refugees in offshore detention centres, homelessness, the growing divide between rich and poor, the slavish worship of money and the alienation many of us feel within our own homes. God is so much bigger than our petty little grievances and prejudices, so let's go home today and find some way of expressing love to one another, be it someone from your church or the neighbour across the street who we haven't spoken to since they moved in. Love can never fail to do that which it set out to do, and that was to love."