Clueless Wife

"Honey, I have great news! I'm pregnant!", my new bride exclaimed. Oh joy. We've been married for two months, and now she's pregnant. Now, I know what you're thinking, and yes, I should be thrilled. But let me back up a little. We met in a grocery store. I was picking plums, while she was grabbing grapes. Our carts collided, and the rest is… well, you know. The next thing I know I'm standing in a church, saying 'I do'. We hardly knew each other then, but we know even less today. For instance, I know she's pregnant. She doesn't know I had a vasectomy four years ago. She knows that I'm in research, but she doesn't know I'm a private investigator. I know she's a knockout blue eyed blond, but I don't know who fucked her. But I'll find out. I could just confront her, but that would take all the fun out of it. Besides, I like to win.

* * *

Obviously the event happened recently. From just before the wedding, to sometime in the last few weeks. If I can find out how far along she is, I can narrow things down.

"So honey, how far along are you?"

"About eight to ten weeks."

OK, so that was a little easier than I thought it would be. Now to draw up a suspect list. I need to remember every adult male she has been in contact with, starting from our wedding day, ten weeks ago. Ah, the wedding day. I remember it like it was, uh… ten weeks ago. I remember standing at the altar with the other men. My best friend, who was my best man, my brother, who held the ring, and her cousin, just to even out the group. The priest stood in the middle, while the bridesmaids were lined up across from us. I remember her father escorting her down the aisle, as we watched. She smiled and nodded to many people as she neared. OK, so on the first day, I can narrow the list down to, oh say, about two dozen guys. More if you count the caterers at the reception. Now we add the guys she works with, the mailman, the pool guy, the cable guy, our neighbors, and anybody else who crossed her path. It took several hours, but I came up with forty five possibles, some of which, I couldn't remember names. Now it's time to start gathering the pieces.

* * *

"Have a great day!" we both shouted as we pulled out of our driveway. We both left at the same time each day, even though we work at opposite ends of town. As I got around the corner, I pulled into the mall parking lot. There I traded my car for the one I had rented earlier, and immediately headed the other way. I couldn't catch up to her, but I arrived at her work only moments after she did. She didn't have time to stop anywhere, but I checked her odometer anyway. I took out one of my cell phones, and a few books, and some rubber bands, and opened her door. After a few trial fits, I had the perfect combination. I closed her door, and drove home. I spent the day setting up a few things, then about an hour before she was due to get off, I headed out. First, I called her at work, and told her I had to work late, and not to wait up for me. Then I waited down the street. My cell phone rang, and as I looked at the caller id, I started my rental. I could see her pulling out of the parking lot, but she wasn't headed towards home. I followed her to a nearby motel, and watched as she walked into the room. She already had a key! I jotted down the license plates of every car around, and went across the street to the deli for a quick bite. I was halfway through my pastrami on rye, when my cell phone went off again. Looking at the number on the face, I hurried out to my car. I quickly turned away, when I noticed she was already pulling out past me. She didn't see me, and she appeared to be alone. But this time, she pulled into the health club. She works out regularly, I don't. I couldn't follow her in there, so I headed over to Dairy Queen, for a sundae. I had just licked the dish clean, when my phone rang again. This is too easy, I thought, as I headed back out to follow her again. It didn't seem like she was in there long enough to have a good workout, but long enough to have a good fuck. On my list of possibles, I just listed 'gym' as I didn't know his or their names. After that, she went home. I parked my rental back at the mall, and drove my car home.

"How was your day?" hoping to squeeze a few clues out of her.

"Long."

I bet it was. And wide too.

"I had a client meeting, then I stopped by the gym for a bit."

A bit of cock, I imagine.

"How was your day?"She asked, obviously trying to change the subject.

"Bout the same as yours."Except I didn't get screwed. at least, not yet. She seemed to be one step ahead of me. She was already in the shower, probably washing away any evidence. Out of the shower, she bee lined straight for the washer, and dropped her clothes in. Damn, can't check her panties now. I went down on her, but she was clean. I licked every crevice, every nook and cranny, but came up with nothing. Except a few loose hairs in my mouth. I placed them on my t- shirt as I took it off. I'll check them out later. Now for a little in depth probing. How does she keep it so tight? It's hard to be mad, when it's hard. I soon filled her up with warm spermless cum. I noticed her mind seemed to be somewhere else, as I pulled out, but then, my mind was somewhere else too. Just another mindless fuck.

* * *

Today is her day off. I have no idea what is in store. She set my schedule for me.

"The cable guy is supposed to be here this morning. There's something wrong with our box."

I'm sure he would love to look at your box, I thought to myself.

"Then I'm going to lay out in the sun for awhile. I need to catch the pool guy. He put too much chlorine in the water, last time."

I bet he didn't put too much in you ,though, I said only to myself.

"Sounds like you'll be busy. I need to run to the,uh.. hardware store for some,er..stuff."We detectives have to think quickly.

I puttered around the house until the cable guy showed up. He was a young hunk. I excused myself, as I left the house. By the time I returned, the cable guy was gone, and she was laying in the sun. She was on her tummy, wearing only a thong. Her top was bunched up on the glass table next to her. As I sat down next to her, she rolled onto her back. Those magnificent globes pointing upward. I grabbed the lotion and began rubbing it into her skin. Her nipples hardened under my touch.

"Aren't you afraid the pool guy might see you like this?" I asked, while squeezing a nipple.

"No, he's already been and left. Showed up right after you left. I paid him while he was here."

I bet you did. I retreated back to the house to clean off my desk. I have been so involved in this, I have completely ignored my regular chores. I went through the stack of bills and junk mail. The big legal envelope only had our name on it. I peered inside, ah, it was the copy of our marriage license we requested. I stacked and sorted, while contemplating my wife in a threesome with both the pool guy and the cable guy. She interrupted my train of thought, as she came in, and sat on the couch.

"Bill said he would be more careful next time, with the chlorine. And Ted said we shouldn't have any more problems with the pay per view."

Bill and Ted. She was on a first name basis with both. I made a note in my little book.

The rest of the week was pretty routine. I would follow her, then interrogate her pussy each night, hoping it would spill the beans. I licked, it came. I fucked, it came. I took notes, it never talked.

* * *

I spent most of Friday night, and all of Saturday morning piecing together everything I had accumulated throughout the week. I was finally ready to confront her.

"Honey, please come in here."I shouted. She had just loaded the dishwasher, and was drying her hands, when she walked into the den. "Have a seat." I pointed to a chair across from my desk. "I know you have been fucking someone."Her mouth dropped open.

"How...what...a..no I haven't!"

"For the past week, I've followed you around, listened to you, and even did some video. I know where you went, and even what radio stations you listened to."

"How did you? What do you mean?"She put on her sweet innocent voice.

"It was pretty easy. I took one of my cell phones, and glued a pencil eraser to the auto dial button. I then secured the phone to a book with rubber bands. I then set it under your car seat. I used enough books to place the phone about an inch below the seat. When you sat your cute little butt down, the seat dropped down enough to touch the eraser, which in turn dialed my number. I knew every time you left in your car. I could listen to your radio, and any conversations you had. I knew when you took two hour lunches, and when you left early. I even know what songs you like to sing along with."

Her face began to blush.

"Thank God for unlimited nighttime minutes."

"But that doesn't prove anything."she said in her defense.

"I also have video. I know you smell your panties, before you put them on, even when their fresh out of your dresser. I know you play with your nipples, even after you put your bra on. I could even tell you how much toilet paper you use every time you tinkle."She just sat there, staring at me, with her mouth agape.

"Here is what I know.You have spent enough time alone with both the pool guy, and the cable guy to have an orgy. You even know them on a first name basis. But I don't think it was either of them." At this point, I stood up, and began pacing slowly. "You also could have done your trainer down at the gym. I don't believe the muscle head is your type, though."She was fidgeting around in her seat. "I've seen the guys you work with, and although a couple of them are decent looking, I'm convinced their not involved. After cleaning up my desk, I had figured it out. You had called the church, for a copy of our marriage license, but instead of mailing it, it was hand delivered."She was now staring in disbelief. "I think you did it with Father Thomas in the study with French ticklers." She sat there, not moving, or speaking. "Well, am I right?" I demanded. Without looking up, she pulled a small envelope from her pocket, and handed it to me. It contained three cards. The first simply said "Study". The second said "Father Thomas", and I knew before looking, what the third would say, "French Ticklers". As I stood there staring at her, she slowly looked up at me.

"I found a washcloth under one of the cushions, here in the study."She was frowning at the ground. "That tells me you did it here, in my study. And as I was going through the mail, I checked out your credit card statement. There was a charge for 5.99 from the adult store next to your gym. They don't sell many items for that price, and the clerk remembered you. When you visited the gym earlier this week, you must have stopped in the store." "But, how did you know it was Father Thomas?"

"Easy. When YOU made a copy of our license, you scanned it first on the computer. You deleted it after, but you didn't empty the 'trash'. It was that one mistake that helped me figure it out."

"Boy, I thought I had you this time! I figured you would follow me, so I made several extra stops, to throw you off."

Her frown turned into a grin, as she said,

"OK, now it's my turn! But no fair having a gay lover again, that was too hard for me to figure out last time."

We walked over to the dry erase board hanging on the wall. I took the marker and placed another hash mark under my name.

"Looks like I'm still winning, you'll have to do better!"

And no, my wife's not pregnant, and no, she doesn't screw around. This is just how we play the game of "Clue".