Cock-Sucker: Cruel Obsession

Why did you have to do it? I still can't believe what you have done. You don't have to hit a person to make them bleed. And when the guy came to my apartment with the injunction, the legal restraining order to cease and desist harassment, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Is that what it is – harassment? Is that what I've been doing? That was yesterday, but that was a long time ago. It's given me time to think, to reflect, on what is, and of what might have been. Obviously, by the very fact of that terrible betrayal, that vile visit, you have realised, you know what this is all about. You've recalled that evening which I have never for a moment forgotten. The evening that changed my life. Gave me hope that my life was about to change, to become magical. The dreams you've so cruelly destroyed.

Yes, it was me. Outside the club being harassed by those two guys. In tears at their taunts, and their threats. And you were there, you intervened, like some kind of saviour. There was a stand-off, but you stood your ground, they become more aggressive, howling obscenities, but you face them down, and eventually they slink off like beaten animals. Like predators cheated of their prey. You are so considerate. Of course I was shaken, upset. You shepherd me into the bar and buy me cappuccino, talking soothingly and comfortingly, with calm authority and easy eloquence. I feel so safe in your presence. So secure. Everywhere I look I find your eyes. When it seems as though you're preparing to go I feign a little more distress, until my Good Samaritan invites me back to your hotel so I can clean up, recover, regain my composure.

I dip my head in an Oscar-nominated semblance of shame, 'I thought, I was afraid they were going to... y'know, interfere with me sexually.'

'You thought they were going to rape you? You were afraid of sex?'

'No, not afraid of sex. Consensual sex between two guys can be a thing of joy.'

'Or sometimes between three guys.'

'No, two guys are enough, if they're the right two guys.' You're so patient, so careful, taking your time before coming on to me, I want you with a thirst I'll never slake, so scared you're not going to make a move. Breathless with anticipation, desperate with anguish in case you don't.

'How can you tell when it's right?'

'I know.' And when it happens it's every bit as great as I'd hoped, and more. I'm even bashful when you unfasten my belt, slide the zip, and pull my jeans down, and that never happens when I'm being undressed, but this time it's important you like what you see. It's like I'm some kind of dumbstruck virgin, I mean – me? can you imagine that? But that's the effect you have on me, that's the way you make me feel. Renewed, as though you represent the hope of something altogether better. Of course I'm already hard, but my cock is not as big as I'd like it to be. Gentlemen like boys with big cocks, and because of that I'm jealous of other gigolo's I've seen who have them, indeed, I've sucked them, and been fucked by them. But as I can't measure up in that way I must compensate in other ways. No man can resist having his cock worshipped. And that's precisely what I do. When I'm 'owned' my only obsession is to be infatuated by his cock and feast on it without reservations. As though it's my life-support system. If I'd known this was going to happen I'd have had a bath, shaved – upper and lower, done an enema, the usual preparation for a date. But your eyes do not go wanting. To the victor, the spoils. All my life has been only a prelude to this moment. My guts boiling with agitation, blood throbbing hard in my temples as well as rushing to my groin, moistening my lips, ready.

The lights are low, the coverlet cool on our shared bare skin. You're so well-muscled, yet supernaturally light enough to levitate. At first you just relax, allow me my own pace. With the right balance of sexual intensity and emotional detachment, you let me work on you as I so want to. My chance to prove how grateful I am. You don't ram my head down onto it as so many other guys do. Instead, I'm feeling the warmth coming up off your beautiful cock as I'm tonguing it, swallowing it, deep-throating it, because I'm loathe to let any part of you escape my attentions. BJ's provide the opportunity for close scrutiny, a chance to familiarise with the shape, aroma, touch and taste of cock. And this night I do a lot of eager familiarising, touching, smelling and tasting. Then you flip me over and when you slip me a length, I'm so sexed up I ejaculate the moment you enter me. You chuckle so warm, so inclusive, I melt, hoping it will go on forever, I'd never felt so possessed, so owned. With each thrust you're claiming what is rightfully yours, and each penetration is a separate pulse of joy. It has to be bare-back, it's vital for nothing to separate us, nothing. So that even now I carry something of you deep within me. In that moment it seems every cell in my body was exchanged for a new and better cell.

In the afterglow, laid nude and sated on the rumpled bed I feel so loved-up I positively purr, squirming my hips as though a sensual tornado has roared through my body and left me tingling from head to toe. In a kind of accelerated metabolism, I'm eager for more, I want it back in my mouth, I want to suck it, taste it, tongue it, feel it inside me. Your penis, my 'ha-penis'. But it's not the last time you'll leave me wanting more. Cautiously, tactfully, you let me be. You go for a towel so I can wipe my messed-up groin, that's when I sneak your business card. And over the next few days, hey, as I turn things over in my mind more and more, it's amazing just how many connections you can link from such a slight source. The more I think back and replay the memory, the more perfect it gets. Perhaps it wasn't the same for you? Just an opportunistic shag when I was at my most vulnerable and emotionally distressed? Have I been reading it all wrong? That day changed me. That day changed what can loosely be termed my life, and made me what I am today. That's why I'm spending my time following your moves. Watching from a distance, always a distance, with such an aching desire. That day gave me a vision of how my life could be. Nothing can stifle this craving of the flesh. Nothing, except what I cannot have, what is eternally denied to me. The way you wrecked my life was like sabotage. The pain of your betrayal is like poison, it's a humiliating burning thing that hurts more than anything else I've ever known. And I've known more pain than I'm comfortable with.

I thought you were special. I thought you were different. But now I know better, you're just a user, like all the rest. Now you do this to me. Your aim is to mess up my mind. I know that now. I've been using my grey brain-matter to think through what's happened. What you've done to me. Yes, I torched your car. I admit, I shouldn't have done that, but I was desperate. Tunes don't sound so good when they're played on a broken radio. In a momentary loss of control, my psychotic reactions got the better of me. Your car was there. Your beautiful shiny car. Hell, you care more for that than you ever cared about me. So I torched it. Not that it's a big deal, you channel it through insurance. You won't lose out. It's me that's the victim, again. Another in my catalogue of fatalistic disasters. You used that momentary lapse of reason to get me placed in here. For psychiatric assessment. And this room smells like death. You've got influential friends. You've got contacts in high places. You know how to manipulate these things. And me, I've got less than zero. I can't fight you from here. I can't stalk you from here. I can't pursue you from here. You think you've won. You think that I can never embarrass you ever again. Oh yes, you've been smart. You've never made a wrong move. It's me that's been made a fool of. But they can't keep me here forever. I can be convincingly normal when I put my mind to it. I can forgive. I don't hold a grudge until it festers and turns black. But my hidden inner-twin doesn't take being snubbed so easily, and when I get out of here, that's when he comes out for vengeance. That's really when the mayhem begins...