Cockatoo Pt. 26

Shane's lips brushed mine so gently I wasn't sure he had kissed me at all, as if he was still giving me the chance to back out. I closed my eyes and pressed my lips onto his and I felt the pressure increase and we were kissing properly, his lips crushing mine. I felt lightheaded, and the blood began to pound in my ears as I felt his arm pull me closer. I hesitantly put my hand up to his face to stroke his cheek, and I was shocked to feel his stubble beneath my fingers. It was enough to jerk me into the reality what I was doing and I froze. What the hell was I doing?

I was tired and lonely and scared, and I wanted some comfort from somebody, but this had gone far too far. It was flattering that Shane was attracted to me, and I liked him, but not in the same way, surely? I had allowed myself to be drawn into something I wasn't prepared for; it seems I did still have some boundaries, and despite the dressing and the acting as a woman, I wasn't ready for anything else.

Shane sensed something had changed, 'What's the matter, Jamie?'

'I can't do this, Shane, I'm sorry.'

He brushed my hair back but I couldn't look at him. He lifted my chin with his finger and said, 'Don't worry, Jamie. It's been a hell of a day and you're tired and lonely. It's OK, I understand.'

I felt like I was tottering on the edge of an abyss and that a slip would send me tumbling down.

'Shane, I'm so sorry and I can't explain, but it wouldn't be right to go on.'

'It's OK, babe, I understand. It's OK. If you want to go back on the bed it's fine, we can forget all about this. It never happened, OK?'

I didn't know what to say. I felt horrible. Shane had given me plenty of opportunity to back out and I had ignored him. What did I think I was doing? He had been a hero with the ambush, God knows what would have happened if he hadn't been there. I owed him a lot, but I couldn't go any further.

'Shane, I've been a fool, and you've been so nice. Maybe one day, I can tell you the whole story, but I'm sorry for leading you on. I do like you, but it's not right. Shit, I'm not making much sense.'

'It's cool, Jamie, nothing happened, right? You're great and I like you, but I'm not going to push you if it's not what you want. You'll work it out, no worries.'

He paused, giving me time to sort out what to do next.

'Jamie, it's up to you babe, if you want go back on the bed that's fine, if you want to stay down here that's good with me too. Nothing will happen, I promise.'

The tone of his voice led me to believe that he also wanted some company. He was a tough guy, but like all of us he needed some comfort too. I made up my mind, it was the least I could do for him.

'Can I stay here? Do you mind?'

I could sense he was grinning, 'Jamie, no worries, just kick me if I snore.'

'OK, Shane, sleep well.'

'G'night, Jamie.'

As tired as I was, sleep didn't come quickly. I lay there cursing myself for what I had done. Yet, somewhere deep down there was some part of me that had wanted it, and it was that thought which kept swirling around in my mind. Shane began to snore gently as he fell asleep and eventually my eyelids became too heavy for me to resist and I drifted off.

'Jamie! Jamie!' I woke with a start to see Nin looking down at me from the edge of the bed with her eyes wide open. I felt something heavy on me and groggily realised that Shane's arm was draped over my waist and he must have been spooning up to me from behind. Shit, this doesn't look good. I gently slipped his arm away from my waist, slid away from Shane and pointed to the bathroom for Nin to follow me in there. We managed to get to the bathroom without waking Shane and I sat on the toilet seat with my head in my hands.

'What happen?' asked Nin.

'Nin, nothing happened, well nothing much anyway. Oh, hell, I tried to kiss him, I think.'

She giggled, her hand up to her mouth, 'You think? Don't you know?'

I put my head back in my hands, 'Well yes, I tried to kiss him but we didn't, well we did, but I stopped. Shit, I don't know what I did.' I was babbling now, and I decided that saying nothing was better than trying to explain it.

'Why you next to Shane?' Nin was not going to let me off the hook.

'Nin, I was tired, I missed Areeya and Alex and I thought I wanted some comfort and he said I could come down next to him, then he put his arm around me and then I kissed him. I panicked when I realised what I was doing and stopped. That was it, honestly. Shane was really nice about it but I feel terrible.'

Nin came and knelt in front of me and took my hands in hers. She smiled, 'Jamie, there's nothing to worry about then. If Shane alright about it then It all OK.' I looked up at her and she gave me a hug.

'But there must have been a bit of me that wanted it, Nin.'

'So what, Jamie? Shane very nice, he like you, you like him, what to worry about?' She smiled, and I had the distinct feeling Nin would have liked Shane to like her too.

I hugged her back, and she pulled me up and said, 'We need to get you ready, you look a mess. You take shower and I fetch your stuff, we get you ready for drive to Bangkok.' I slipped off the towel I had been wearing along with the bra, the breast forms, wig and my knickers. I turned the shower on and gratefully let the warm water wash over me, easing away some of the stress I was feeling.

Nin came back into the bathroom with my bag, 'Shane awake, he say if you need help to wash your back, he glad to help.' I looked aghast at her and she collapsed into giggles. 'I joking, he said he go see if we can get breakfast.' She slipped off her bra and knickers and tossed them into the corner. She caught me looking at her breasts and said, 'You like?' I blushed again as she giggled, 'Pao right, you have nice cock.'

I laughed, realising that these girls kept no secrets from each other. 'I think you have a nice cock too, Nin.'

She smiled broadly, 'Thank you Jamie, I hope maybe one day I get bonus like Pao?'

I blushed again, 'I would be happy to do that, Nin.' She had shaken me out of my self pity and I felt like things might not be as bad as they seemed. Nin had her shower as I shaved and then she set to work on me. She wasn't as skilful as Lawan but she still made a good job of my makeup. I looked at myself in the mirror and I thought I looked OK. Some of the fear of being caught out had left, but it still felt odd to feel the weight of the breast forms tugging the bra strap as I moved. It had been a good move for the girls to give me some extra makeup and a fresh pair of knickers to wear. We had not planned for me to spend a long time dressed, so I would have to wear the same skirt and top from the previous day, but they didn't look too bad. Nin and I emerged from the bathroom just as Shane arrived back in the room.

'G'day girls, how are you? Sleep well, I hope? You both look very nice this morning.'

I couldn't look him in the eye and Nin said, 'Thank you Shane, we slept very well. I hope you did too. No disturbances in the night, I hope?' I blushed and looked away.

Shane looked at me and said, 'No, none at all, slept like a log. Anyway, there's a place down the road where we can get some food to eat on the way. The hotel have found us a taxi, so we can be on the road quickly.'

He held the door open for us and I scampered through, still not able to look him in the eye. We managed to buy some fruit, spring rolls and fish cakes to eat for breakfast, but we couldn't get coffee, so we had to make do with bottled water. I was desperate for some coffee so Nin told our driver to stop at the first place where we could pick some up. We climbed into yet another mini bus and set off for Bangkok, hopefully we would make it this time. This time I made sure to sit next to Nin, not allowing Shane a chance, not that I thought he would after last night. Nobody felt much like chatting and before long Shane was asleep, hunched up in his seat, and Nin followed soon after, her head resting gently on my shoulder.

We had started early but now the road was beginning to fill up with trucks and coaches, motorcycle and mini buses taking half asleep people to work. My mind wandered as I began to think about what I would say to Kritsada. It struck me then that if his phones were being listened to then he might also be under surveillance. I groaned inwardly as I realised that meant I would have to meet him dressed as I was. It maybe hadn't been all bad that I wasn't able to change into my male clothes as we had planned. Areeya knew Kritsada was going to be in Bangkok for the next few days so with our arrival in Bangkok due about midday, we could go to his office and somehow get to see him there.

I wasn't thrilled about meeting Kritsada dressed like this, but at least Nin would be with me. I turned to watch her as she slept, her breasts rising and falling with her breathing. I had grown very fond of her over the past few days and she had been a good choice for this trip. Inevitably my thoughts went back to last night, and I cringed as I thought about what I had done, but Nin's calm words came back to me, 'Shane very nice, he like you, you like him, what to worry about?' That was true, but no amount of rationalising could cover up that I had been tempted and had pulled away only at the last moment.

In the months since I had been in Koh Samui, my life had been turned upside down and I had shattered whatever boundaries I had from my previous life. How far would I go? Was I just tired and lonely last night and was looking for solace? Or was it something else? Was there another boundary that I had to push down in this new life? For sure, I was flattered that Shane liked me, but I had never had thoughts about a man before. I discounted Alex, for irrespective of how we made love, I had fallen in love with her as a woman. Had Alex seen something in me all those years ago at university when he had tried to seduce me? Maybe I had been so deeply closeted then that it took meeting Alex again to bring me out? At that moment the driver called out something in Thai and he pulled into a service station. He turned round and said, 'Coffee.'

I woke Nin and Shane and we trooped inside in search of coffee. I grabbed Nin by the hand and whispered, 'I need to pee, come with me.' Shane offered to get the coffees as Nin and I disappeared into the toilets.

'Nin, where are we going to get Shane to drop us off? He will want to take us to your parents, but we have to get to Kritsada's office. We can't ask him to drop us there.'

She thought for a moment before saying, 'I will ask him to drop us at the railway station, tell him we have to get train to my parent's place. Then we go to Kritsada office.'

'OK, that sounds good. If Kritsada is being watched I have to go dressed like this. I don't know how we will get inside to see him.'

'OK, you stuck as Jamie for a bit longer. Are you OK with that?'

'I'll have to be,' I said, 'there's no choice.'

We headed back to where Shane was waiting with the coffees and we sat in silence as we drank.

I turned to Nin, 'Can you get us some more snacks for the rest of the journey, please?' She looked puzzled but nodded and headed off. I turned to Shane and said, 'Shane, I want to apologise for last night for what I did, it was stupid of me and I also want to thank you for being so gracious about it.'

He looked at me without saying anything and then looked away for a moment before speaking, 'Jamie, there is nothing to apologise for, nothing happened as far as I'm concerned and I don't want you to worry about it. It's all good for me.'

I touched his hand briefly and said, 'Thank you, you're a star.'

He smiled, 'But for God's sake talk to me, will you? I can't stand the silent treatment I've had this morning.'

I laughed, 'OK, that's a deal.' We were laughing as Nin returned with a bag of snacks and water. She looked from me to Shane with a puzzled look and then shrugged.

The journey back to Bangkok passed more quickly as we chatted and dozed. We passed Hua Hin, where the king has a palace, and sped towards the sprawling outskirts and traffic jams of Bangkok. Soon we slowed to a crawl with tuk-tuks and motorcycles adding to the mayhem that is Bangkok traffic. Nin had told Shane that we should be dropped at the railway station and he had tried to argue, suggesting that he take us all the way, but Nin insisted we be left at the station. We swapped telephone numbers and said that we would keep in touch. I thanked him for the taxi ride and for everything he had done for us. He said it was nothing and that he had enjoyed our company on the trip.

We stopped at the station and Shane wanted to see us off but the driver said he couldn't wait. Shane lifted out Nin's bag and gave her a big hug, almost lifting her off her feet and kissed her cheek. She was blushing and giggling at the same time. He turned to me and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me tight into his chest. I tentatively put my arms around him and he whispered in my ear, 'It wasn't to be this time, Jamie, maybe there will be another time.'

He let go of me, kissed my cheek, turned to hurry back to the bus and we waved to him as he disappeared into the traffic.

Nin looked wistfully after him, 'He nice man, Jamie. We were lucky to have him on the trip.'

'We were so lucky, Nin. Very lucky indeed.' To myself I thought, maybe a bit too lucky, but I shook it off and we looked for a taxi. We arrived at Kritsada's office and I had sorted out a plan how to get Kritsada's attention. I told Nin to call his office and to tell his secretary that there was a special gift delivery of GlenDronach waiting for him at reception to and that we had orders to hand deliver it to him. I guessed he wouldn't resist the opportunity of a bottle of his favourite whisky. The secretary told us to wait in reception and that someone would be down shortly.

We sat and waited for a few minutes and then the doors opened and Kritsada emerged and we stood as he approached. We both bowed and pressed our hands together in a wai. He nodded, looked at me quizzically, but then shot a question to Nin in Thai. She replied softly to him and motioned towards me. 'Sawasdee Kha Khun Kritsada, I have a message for you from your daughter sir. She wishes you are well and hopes you would receive us in private for a message for your ears only.'

He looked baffled and then his expression changed to one of incredulity. He took another look at me and started to say, 'James?'

'It's Jamie, sir and we do have to talk in private.'

He nodded and said something to the receptionist. Nin whispered to me, 'Kritsada asked for his car to be brought to the front door.'

A few minutes later a large black Mercedes drew up and Kritsada indicated we should follow him outside and a uniformed driver leapt out and opened the doors for us. Kritsada indicated I should join him in the back and Nin went to the front. He gave some instructions to the driver as we headed out into the heavy traffic. He placed his finger on his lips and we sat in silence as the driver weaved his way through the traffic. We pulled up outside a shabby looking restaurant somewhere in Patpong. Kritsada led the way inside and then straight through to the back of the restaurant. He opened a door and ushered us both inside. In contrast to the dowdy restaurant it turned out to be a luxuriously furnished lounge with a bar, sofas, low tables and large screen televisions.

'Please sit down and let me get you both a drink so you can explain what the hell is going on.'

I asked for a whisky and Nin a coke. Kritsada came back with two glasses of scotch and a coke for Nin.

'Clever to get my attention with the GlenDronach, but now tell me why you are dressed like this.'

'Is this place secure, sir, I mean is it possible this could be bugged?'

'James, or should I call you Jamie? This is a place I bring my closest friends for private meetings and to watch football, I guarantee you it's not bugged.'

I picked up a remote control and turned the TV on and a pop music channel was playing K-pop videos.

'I'm sorry sir, but I want to make sure.' He shrugged, confident now he was dealing with a madman. Nin was trying to make herself as small as possible, not wanting to attract Kritsada's attention. 'You remember the last time I was here, sir?'

'Of course, it was only last week.'

I told him about my meeting with Jandaeng after I had left Kritsada's office and the way Jandaeng had tried to threaten me if I would not work for him to spy on Kritsada. I told him about Jandaeng letting slip that he knew I would be doing some off the books work for Kritsada which meant that Jandaeng either had a mole or was bugging Kritsada, or possibly both. I said that we assumed the phones would be bugged and that the only safe way to get a message across was to hand deliver it. We decided I had to be the one as Kritsada might not believe it from anyone else. I explained that I had travelled as Jamie so that I wouldn't be spotted. I told him about the lost suitcase and the holdup as well leading us to be here later than planned.

I finished and Kritsada sipped his drink and sat for a while, his face giving nothing away. He glanced down at his watch and then looked at me. 'Firstly, let me give you my thanks for what you have done. When I first saw you I thought you had taken leave of your senses, but please forgive me that reaction. I have always assumed that I am in the crosshairs, I think you say, of the police for many reasons, and yes, I know that my phones are tapped. But it does add to my suspicions that one of my employees is conspiring against me. Jandaeng is known to me although I did not know he was so interested in my activities. I will have to think about how I protect myself from him and you will be able to help me track down my internal spy. James, I know that you have done this primarily for Areeya and Alex, but I do thank you for what you have done, It reinforces my view that you are a resourceful and courageous man. James, I find myself once more in your debt, and I think you know that is an unusual situation for me.'

He paused and looked at Nin, 'I congratulate you both on what you have done. It sounds as if you have had a remarkable time. What do you intend to do now?'

'We need to head back to Samui, sir, and then we can come back as planned next week to start our project. It's what Jandaeng expects.'

He laughed, 'then I think we should give Jandaeng just what he wants, a spy on the inside. We can use that if we play this carefully. When will you head back?'

'I think as soon as possible, sir, but maybe we can stay overnight and catch a train back tomorrow morning. We should go down to Surat Thani and cross to Samui from there. I don't want to go back through Lomprayah this time. After what happened there it might be too dangerous.'

'I think you're right to be wary. I would offer you the company plane, but I think that would attract too much attention. I will arrange for you to stay here, there are some rooms at the back for let's say special occasions. This is undoubtedly one of them.'

'Thank you, sir. Can I ask one favour?'

He raised an eyebrow, 'Of course.'

'I would like to get out of these clothes, and as I lost my clothes on the ferry, could you lend me some money to buy some?'

'I will certainly arrange for you to have some clothes but they will be my gift, not a loan. But,' he frowned and paused, 'surely you will be going back in female clothes? If someone has seen you then it could be dangerous to revert to James now? You have made a remarkable transition to Jamie, and I think it best to stay that way.'

I realised with a sinking feeling that he was right. He smiled, 'Why don't I let Nin here go and buy you some nice clothes for tonight and for the journey back. She knows your size, and I am sure she will choose well. I have accounts in many stores, it should not be a problem. Nin, would this be possible? Please also choose some clothes for yourself as well. It is a small token for what you have done.'