Cockatoo Pt. 28

I gingerly walked towards the wet room, looked round to see Alex filming me from behind.

'Stop that, I'm embarrassed.' I protested, vainly trying to cover up my cock with my hands.

She giggled, 'Too late for being embarrassed, you look gorgeous. Take your hand away.'

I ran into the wet room and into the shower. Alex followed me still filming on her phone as I took off my bra and threw it and the breast forms at her. She yelped with laughter and finally put the phone down. She came over to me, wrapped her arms around me hugging me tight. We stood for a while, enjoying the sensation of our bodies sliding against each other; not speaking and with our hands gently caressing each other.

Eventually Alex let me go and said, 'We need to get your wig off before we get in the shower.' She carefully unpinned it and slipped it off my head. I felt so different without it. My own hair felt short and ugly, I had grown used to the weight and the length and I was surprised to realise I missed it. Alex carefully laid it down and said, 'I never thought I would see that wig again.' She turned to me, 'But It looked great on you, baby. I can't wait until the next time you wear it.'

The next time - those words stabbed into my head. I hadn't thought about what would happen next because I had been too wrapped up in the moment. As the water cascaded over us and Alex was washing me with a cloth, I tried to make sense of what I was feeling. I had got involved in all this against my better judgement and strictly as a one off to help Areeya. What, if anything, had changed? Had I enjoyed any of it? Images and scenes from the past few days; dressing up, Shane, the kathoey bar, Jandaeng, Nin, the sex tonight, flashed in front of my eyes in a confusing jumble of feelings. So much had happened to me in a few short days; not everything had been good, but much to my surprise, I realised I had enjoyed so much of it. Once the fear of exposure and ridicule had passed, I had begun to enjoy acting as a woman. The glamour of the makeup and the dressing up, had created an erotic, decadent excitement that thrilled me.

I had been given an insight into some of what it means to be a woman, and in the process I had learnt as much about what it means to be a man. Would there be a next time? I looked at Alex, and I knew she wanted there to be another time, but what about me?

'Alex,' I said, 'what do you want from me?'

She stopped washing me, 'Wow, where did that come from?'

'I'm so confused right now. I want to know what you want from me, what you want me to become?'

'Baby, let's get dry and then we can talk about this, OK?'

'Yes, but I need an answer.'

We dried ourselves, Alex slipped on her robe and I wrapped a towel around my waist which looked a bit like a skirt. Alex said, 'I need a drink before we discuss this, do you want one?'

She came back with two large brandies, handed me one and sat on the sofa, her legs pulled up beneath her. I sat down next to her, nervously playing with my glass.

She took a big sip of brandy and looked straight at me, 'I guess the last few days brought this on?'

'Mostly, but it's a question I guess I've been thinking about for a while?'

She took another sip before saying, 'Do you believe I have ever forced you to do something? Against your will, I mean?'

I shook my head, 'No, never.'

'Good, I didn't think so, but I wanted to check. Another question, are you happy here, with me and Areeya?'

'Alex, you know I am, I've never been happier in my entire life, but that's not the question.'

She paused, 'So you're happy here and you're not doing anything you don't like, or being forced to do anything. So what is your question?'

'Alex, a few months ago, I arrived on Samui for a few days R&R and to see an old uni friend. From that moment my life has been turned upside down and inside out. Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining. I have enjoyed everything, well maybe not quite everything. I don't like people waving guns at me for sure. I have never felt more alive and excited by what's happening, and I wouldn't swap this for anything. I love you and Areeya and I thought I had it figured out. Who I am, I mean.'

Ales tried to say something, but I held up my hand, I needed to finish this what I was saying first.

'Then this trip to Bangkok happened, having me dress as a woman. You know I didn't want to do it, yet having done it, it's made me unsure of who I am and who I'm going to be. Do you understand why I need you to tell me what you want from me?'

I took a couple of large gulps of the brandy and almost choked. It's not really my drink.

Alex stretched out a hand and laid it gingerly on my arm. 'Baby, I'm sorry, but another question first, and I want you to be honest, what happened on the trip to make you question yourself?'

I looked away, but I knew I had to tell her about Shane. I blushed, damn it. Will I ever stop doing that? I told her about the night at the hotel, about feeling lost and lonely and scared, and how I lay next to Shane and how I tried to kiss him, but how nothing actually happened. I couldn't look at her as I told the story, and I was nearly in tears at the end.

Alex moved across and sat on my lap, her arms around my neck.

'Oh baby, thank you for being honest. I suspected something by the way you and Shane were behaving with each other. He is a great guy and trust me you wouldn't be the first or the last to be attracted to him. There's a strength and yet a vulnerability about him, which people find irresistible. And before you ask, yes we did fuck each other once or twice in the past, so I understand what you must have been feeling.'

She kissed me and stroked my hair. 'If you're attracted to him, so what? You love me, you love Areeya, it's OK to be attracted to other people. So he's a guy, I can see what you're thinking in your eyes, so what? He has a cock, so do I and so do you. You and I seem to get on well enough, if tonight was anything to go by. Baby, there are no rules about who you get attracted to, it happens. I can equally understand it freaked you out a bit, but you're still James,' she giggled, 'or Jamie.'

'But that's it,' I almost wailed, 'do you want me to be James or Jamie?'

'Baby, if you want to be, you can be both. If you enjoy being one or the other, then choose one, I will still love you. I like to play games, you get that, and I thought you might like being Jamie, but I don't want you to be Jamie, if it's not what you want. It's never been what I want you to be, it's who you want to be that's the question. When we got together, it wasn't just me, was it? You wanted it too. You knew what had happened to me and it didn't stop you, did it? Sure I wear a dress and Shane doesn't, well as far as I know, anyway. He'd look sweet I think, but I'm getting off the point. I just give you the chance to try things out, but I don't want to play games which might hurt you. You can always say no.'

I thought the idea of saying no to Alex would be about as much use as asking a charging rhinoceros to please stop. She paused and took another sip of brandy and then tilted the glass for me to take a sip too.

'Tell me,' she said, 'Jandaeng aside, did you enjoy being Jamie?'

I nodded, I couldn't bring myself to say it.

'OK, I'm glad, I thought you might. Do you want to be Jamie again, or should I say Scarlett?'

I felt like a shy school kid as I said, 'Yes, and yes.'

'Good, I would like it too. We might have a lot of fun, Areeya would like it as well. Maybe Shane too?'

I blushed redder than ever and she laughed, 'He has the hots for Jamie, or Scarlett, that's for sure. You should have seen the way he looked at you earlier.'

She paused and had the look on her face she gets when she comes up with a crazy idea.

'You have to go back to Bangkok in a couple of days as James, so why don't we all have a quick holiday? Shane has to be in Bangkok the same time as you and Nin, so why don't we take the boat to the other side of the island, like Sam and Areeya did. Do some snorkeling, see what happens. You can be Scarlett for a couple more days at least.'

I felt dizzy as I realised saying yes would be to take a deliberate and willing step along a path that might change my life. Although not for the first time since I arrived in Samui, I thought. I would no longer be able to pretend it had only been a crazy adventure, something to be laughed off as funny memory in the future. It might have consequences that none of us could foresee. Alex didn't help as she nibbled my ear and her fingers toyed with my nipple as I thought about it. As usual my head told me not to, and my heart was saying yes.

From somewhere my I heard my voice say, 'Well, we could all do with a holiday, I guess.'

To be continued