Cockatoo Pt. 35

I paused to take a drink, uncertain how far to go. I realised I had never spoken to anyone other than Alex about how all this made me feel, and suddenly it all began to tumble out.

'Praew, I didn't understand what was going on, but dressing as Jamie made me feel different. I was terrified at first, but as time went on and nobody laughed or shouted at me, I became more confident. There was an incident on way from the ferry to Bangkok...' I had to stop and smile at the look on Praew's face.

'Somehow, that doesn't surprise me, James.'

'Well, it meant we had to spend a night in a hotel together; myself, Nin and Shane. There was only one room left, and we had to share it.' I felt myself go red at this point. 'I found out Shane was gay, and as James it wouldn't have meant anything, but as Jamie, I was really attracted to him. I didn't understand why to be honest. I know I was lonely that night and maybe a bit scared too, but that wasn't the only reason I liked him. I was confused as hell, Praew. I had never felt any attraction to a man before. Alex is different.'

I knew I sounded defensive, and I looked at Praew to see if she would say anything, but all she did was nod her head, as if to say OK, go on.

'Nothing happened that night, but it had shaken me. I couldn't work out why I was feeling like this. As I said, as Jamie, I felt different. More vulnerable certainly, but also more aware of my own feelings and emotions. Jamie seemed to bring out a side of me, which I hadn't realised was there. It was frightening, but nice as well. I realised that I liked being Jamie.' I winced, remembering Jandaeng. 'Well, most of the time, anyway'

I took a drink, realising the next part would be difficult to say.

'We got back to Samui OK, and Alex suggested a trip on the boat to have a break. To cut a long story short, I dressed as Jamie on the trip, and Shane and I ended up in bed and he made love to me. The next night we got back to Cockatoo and Pao was stabbed. That's when you met me as Jamie.'

Praew leant forward and took my hand. 'Thank you, James. That must have been hard for you to say.'

'Parts of it, Praew. But, thank you for listening, it has actually made me feel better, sharing it with someone.'

'How do you feel about it all now? Being Jamie, I mean, and about Shane.'

I paused for a moment, trying to get my thoughts in order.

'I'm OK with it all, I think. I like being Jamie from time to time. It allows me to live out a different part of my personality. I wouldn't want to be Jamie all the time, but when I am, I feel calmer, more sensitive, more relaxed; in a way I can't do as James. Maybe it's about not having to carry around the macho bullshit all the time. It's also made me aware of how women are treated by men, how vulnerable women can be.'

I thought back to the attack the previous evening, and how easy the men thought we would be. Wanting to forget about that, I looked at Praew, 'There is, however, one thing I really like about being Jamie.'

Her eyebrow shot up. 'Oh?'

'The clothes.' I laughed, 'I love dressing up as Jamie. It's so much more fun dressing as a girl than as a man.' Praew laughed with me, before a frown creased her forehead.

'And how about Shane?'

Praew couldn't possibly have missed the smile which flashed across my face as I thought back to another part of last night.

'I'm good with that too. As Jamie, I really like him, but I love Alex and Areeya in a way that I could never love Shane. They know about Shane as well.' I didn't want to tell Praew how Alex had pretty much pushed me into bed with Shane. Trying to analyse my relationship with Alex would have taken us off into a completely new dimension.

'How does Shane feel about it all?'

The question shook me. I hadn't really given it any thought. 'I'm ashamed to say that I don't know, Praew. He isn't a big talker.' I smiled again, 'I know he really likes Jamie, and probably James too, for all I know. But I don't know exactly. He seems to be someone who takes life pretty easily. Are you saying I need to take his feelings more into account?'

She didn't answer for a minute, letting her eyes play over my face, whilst deciding what to say.

'It's not for me to say, James. What I will say is that you seem to have been on a switchback ride since you came to Thailand. Given everything that has happened to you over here, you may have awoken feelings and emotions which were buried deep inside you, so it's not a surprise that you're unsure about what you feel. You are lucky to have people who care deeply about you, and who can help you on your journey of self discovery. It wouldn't be for everyone, but from what I have learnt about you, I think you have the courage and sensitivity to deal with it. We have a saying kham nam kham thale, it means to cross over water and sea, to fight through many obstacles to succeed. You will find your way, I am sure of it. You are one of the bravest people I have ever met. You don't hesitate to put yourself in harms way for people. You have charm and style and are easy to be with. People are attracted to you, even if you don't know it. You're easy to like James. Just be aware of the influence you have with them. Don't hurt them if you can avoid it.'

I squeezed her hand and felt a tear forming at the corner of my eye.

'Thank you, Praew. You have been so patient to listen to me. It was great to get some of that off my chest.'

'You are very welcome, James. You're a remarkable ma..I mean person.'

I grinned back at her. 'Yes, I'm confused sometimes too.'

We laughed together, until Praew's mobile trilled.

'Please excuse me, James, I have to get this.' She walked away a few paces and although I couldn't understand any of the conversation, I could tell from the glance she shot at me, that the call was about me. There was only one person who would call her about me, and that was confirmed as she walked across and handed me the phone. 'I'm sorry, James. It's Kritsada, he wants a word.' I took the phone from her and she disappeared from the room.

'Hello, khun Kritsada.'

'Hello, my dear James, I hope you've had a good time with Praew?'

'Yes, sir. She has been a most gracious host. Is there something I can do for you?'

'Yes, James, there is. You remember the party I talked about this week? The one you will be coming to?'

'Yes, of course.'

'Well, I have request for you, which I hope you will be able to agree to.'

'If I can, sir, I will.'

'Good, good. Now, I find myself without an escort for the evening. It's a long story, but I wonder if you would agree to be my escort for the evening? As Jamie, I mean.'

I was dumbstruck by what Kritsada had said. In my confusion, I fumbled over what to say, 'Well, err, sir...'

'Don't worry, James, you will be well taken care of. I need someone to be my hostess for the evening, and, well, I thought you would like to have the chance to be Jamie for a special evening. You seem to enjoy dressing as Jamie.' I thought that could only have come from Praew. I looked at her, but she was looking out of the window. 'Well, yes, that's true, sir.'

'Good, good, then it's agreed. I'll have Dao contact you to make arrangements for getting your wardrobe fitted and all other preparations for Wednesday's party. Don't spare any expense. I promise you won't regret this, we'll have a fabulous time.'

'But....' It was no use, he had ended the call. I turned to Praew, who had turned around and was smiling at me.

'You told him.' I accused her, 'I mean about me enjoying dressing as Jamie.'

She smiled, 'Yes, but did I do such a bad thing? You told me it's one of the things you enjoyed most about being Jamie. Kritsada asked me to ask you how you felt about being Jamie. I told him what you said.'

'But, that was between us. I didn't mean you to pass it on, especially to Kritsada.'

'Please don't be angry with me, James.' She stood in front of me and put her hands on my arms, which I had crossed over my chest. 'You seemed so very happy talking about Jamie and the way dressing as her made you feel. I know this will be a special evening for you. Kritsada will spend whatever it costs to please you, and you will have a wonderful time, his parties are legendary.' She cocked her head and looked deep into my eyes. 'Don't you want to know what it feels like to be a Princess for an evening. To be pampered and honoured as the woman of a powerful man like Kritsada. Many girls would sell their soul for one night like that.' Her eyes searched mine, trying to assess what I was thinking. 'But, if you really don't want to do it, then give him a call and tell him you changed your mind. He will be disappointed, but he will understand, I think.'

Of course, I should have picked up the phone and called him back, but there was something else spinning around in my mind. What would it feel like to be the escort of a man like Kritsada, and to be on his arm as the centre of attention for an evening? My hand twitched as I thought about calling him. Surely, it would be fun for just one night? It couldn't hurt anyone, could it? My finger hovered over Kritsada's number on the phone, and I was still debating with myself what to do when the phone rang. It was Dao. I pressed accept, and the die was cast.

Dao told me that she would pick me up at the hotel in the morning and we would head off to get my outfit for the party. She didn't seem to be at all concerned with what we would be doing and I wondered how much she did know about me. I was having second thoughts once more as I finished the call and I collapsed onto the sofa. Praew came to sit next to me and she took my hand. She could feel me shaking and she gently pulled my head onto her shoulder.

'Don't worry, James, everything will be fine. You will have the time of your life.'

***

Nin was out when I got back to the hotel; she said she wanted to visit friends in the bars in which she used to work. I fretted for a while, worrying about what was to happen. In the end, I went for a swim in the roof top pool. It was the only way I could think of to get my mind straight. The repetitive discipline of swimming lengths; the breath control, the focus on technique, the water flowing over your body, and the colour of the water through your goggles pushes aside everything else from your mind. It's Zen like once you let yourself go. This time it didn't help much as I still ended the swim worrying myself silly about what I had agreed to do.

When I went back to the room, I rang Alex and Areeya, only to have to leave messages on their voicemails. In one way, I was relieved because I didn't have to tell them about Kritsada's party. I had no idea whether to tell them the truth or not. I rang Thaksin to check in and to tell him I hadn't heard from Jandaeng. He said Jandaeng seemed to have gone to ground as nobody had seen or heard from him recently. He told me to call immediately if Jandaeng made contact with me, but there was nothing more that I could do at the moment. Was it a good sign that Jandaeng had disappeared? Experience had taught me that nothing to do with Jandaeng was good news.

A few minutes later Nin returned, with a smile as wide as her face.

'Hi, Nin. What are you so pleased about?'

'I got date,' she giggled with a shy grin on her face.

'Nin, that's wonderful. Who is it?'

'I was in bar and this American started to talk to me. He very nice, he want to meet me tonight.'

'Nin, I don't know if I should say this, but does he know about you?' I went bright red, 'I mean, you know, about you?'

'What about me, James? What do you mean? Is there something wrong with me?' She looked offended, and I began to flounder.

'No, not all. But, well, you know...'

'Do you mean does he know I have cock?' She giggled again before giving me a playful punch on the arm. 'Yes, James, he know I Kathoey. He not worried, he like cock. I think all men like cock really, don't you?' She smirked as she looked at me. I wasn't sure if she meant that question personally, or about all men.

'Well, maybe, Nin. But, I was only worried about you.'

She smiled and kissed me. 'I know, James, you good friend. Will you come with me, tonight?'

'What? You've got a date, why do you want me to come with you?'

'Please come, he very nice.' I began to get suspicious.

'Nin, is there something you not telling me?' Nin's eyes slid away. 'Come on, out with it. What is going on?'

She looked back at me with a glint in her eye. 'He have wife, he say she want to join in.'

'Ok,' I said, 'It takes all sorts, I guess. Are you OK with that Nin?'

'Oh yes, done that many times.'

'So, what's the problem?' A light bulb flashed in my head as I realised where this was going. 'Oh, I get it. If he is going to play around, she wants somebody too, is that it?'

Nin nodded, biting her lip. 'He so nice, she nice too. I meet her as well. They from San Francisco, very rich. I said I have friend who would come with me. Please, James. She is very beautiful.'

'Nin, why did you tell them that?'

'Please, James, please.' Nin was pleading with me.

To say I didn't want do this was an understatement. But, I thought back to last night when we had been ambushed and Nin had calmly stepped in front of me and possibly saved my life. I owed her something for that for sure.

'Nin, how sure are you this couple is OK.'

'He is staying at Mandarin Oriental, very good hotel. He want us to meet them there. James, they really nice. He willing to pay lot for two of us.'

Bam, there it was. This wasn't a date, well not in the way that I thought of a date. But, in Nin's world, of course, this was a date. I blushed again, this time at my naivety. I heard a voice which sounded like mine saying, 'How much?'

Could I be considering this? Being pimped out by Nin? Is this what I've become? It struck me like a punch that this was reality for the people that I lived with and loved. For Pao and Nin, and the girls I knew and spoke to every day at the bar, this was their day to day work. It had also been so for Alex for a long time. I had been on the other side of this too, with Ding and Bell in Nana Plaza, and Waan in Cockatoo. I was in no position to moralise about it that's for sure.

I realised I didn't need to do it, but there was a voice worming around in my mind asking if I could ever understand what Alex and Pao and Nin felt, without doing it myself. Walking In their shoes in a literal sense. I didn't have many inhibitions left, but was this one of the few I would still cling to? Why does my life always have to be so difficult?

'He said he would pay $500 US each.'

The money didn't mean much to me, but I knew it would be a lot to Nin.

'And what do they want for that?' I could hear my voice trembling as I spoke.

'He want to go with me, with his wife watching. Then he want to watch his wife with you. Maybe all together too. I tell him that extra.'

'Which me do they want, Nin?'

She looked straight into my eyes, 'Scarlett.'

I found myself nodding, and Nin wrapped her rams around me in a hug. 'Kap kun ka, James. Kap kun ka.'

***

I managed to do my basic make-up, but Nin took over and gave me a much darker, wilder, sexier look than I had worn before. I thought it was way over the top, but I guess that was the point. She finished off with a bright red lipstick, and when I put the wig on, I had to admit I looked hot. Nin pulled out a short dress and held it up against me.

'Very sexy, very Scarlett.' she giggled.

'Nin, I can't wear this, it's too short.' I feebly protested.

'You can, it look great on you. Trust me.'

I shrugged, in for a penny, in for a pound. I pulled on some panties and felt that delicious tingle I always got when the material slid up my legs and pulled tight around me. I shivered slightly, I don't think I would ever get tired of that feeling. Nin had me turn around, slid a bra around my chest and fastened it. The feeling as the bra tightened around my chest made me shiver. I didn't have anything to fill the cups, but the bra seemed to be well padded as when I looked down I definitely had a bust, albeit a small one. I carefully pulled the dress over my head and I felt the hem brush against my legs halfway down my thighs. I looked in the mirror and nearly had a heart attack.

'Nin, can't I wear something longer?'

She didn't answer and handed me a pair of heels I hadn't seen before. 'Put these on.'

The heels must have been five inches, and I had never worn a heel this high. They were open-toed, with a little strap to go around the ankle, and what looked like a small padlock on the buckle.

'I can't wear these, they're too high. I'll fall and break my neck.'

'No, you won't. Let me help you.' Nin kneeled in front of me and slipped my feet into them and did the buckle up. 'Padlock just for show. Does not work.' Thank heaven for small mercies I thought. She helped me to stand, and I swayed a little but was able to walk in the heels, just. I felt like a baby giraffe, and I thought I wouldn't want to be on my feet a long time. I giggled as I remembered I would probably be on my back shortly.

'See I told you they would be fine, look very sexy. We go now.' Nin grabbed my hand and dragged me out of the door, thrusting my bag into my hands on the way. In the elevator, I had a look inside and found she had put several condoms inside. Nin giggled as I held them up. 'Just in case.'

We almost ran through the lobby, me trying to pull the hem of my skirt down. I was sure my panties were on display for everyone although nobody seemed to pay any notice. We took the first tuk-tuk we could find, and I learnt very quickly how difficult it is to sit down with a short skirt. I was pulling the hem down when Nin slapped my hand. 'Stop that. It draw attention, you look fine. Relax.'

Relax? Just getting my heart rate and blood pressure back to normal would be great. I wondered yet again how I had got myself into this, and if it was too late to back out now. The tuk-tuk pulled up outside the Mandarin Oriental and Nin shoved me out onto the pavement. I was sure I had flashed the bell hop, but he didn't blink an eye. Nin slid her arm into mine and we walked into the lobby, or rather I tottered on my new heels.

'They'll throw us out, won't they?' I whispered to her, as I walked on, my eyes fixed on the floor. I was convinced that my everyone in the lobby could hear my heart trying to escape from my chest. Nin just pulled me to the elevator and pushed the button. It seemed to take ages, and I dreaded the moment when a hand would grab my shoulder and throw us out. Nothing happened, and when the elevator opened, we slipped inside. Nin giggled at me as I let out a deep breath.

'All good now. Worst is over.'

What? She can't be serious, I thought. The doors slid open on the top floor and Nin pulled me out of the elevator as I was seriously considering staying in there. She held my hand as she checked the door numbers until she found the one we were looking for. Nin adjusted my wig and straightened my dress a little.

'You look fine, just relax, they nice. Big smile as we go in. I do talking, OK?'

I nodded. I didn't think I could say anything at that moment. A panic attack swept through me, but Nin took my hand as she knocked on the door. I heard someone come to the door and I guess they looked through the peephole because it took a few seconds before I heard the security bolt in the door unlock. My heart rate went through the roof as the door eased open and I squeezed Nin's hand.

A man looked around the corner of the door and smiled at Nin. 'Hi, Nin, I'm glad you decide to come. This is your friend, right? Scarlett, I think you said.'

'Yes, she Scarlett.' I smiled at him, hoping that my smile didn't betray how nervous I felt.

'Come in, come in.'

He opened the door wide and Nin pulled me into the room. It was actually a large suite with a view over the river and the lights of Bangkok beyond. Here at the Mandarin Oriental, this would set you back a packet. We walked into the living space where a woman was sitting on a sofa. She was pretty, about mid 30s I would have guessed, tanned, with long blonde hair and wearing a silk robe. She smiled at us, but I thought she seemed a little nervous, which strangely enough calmed me down a little. I smiled back at her and she said 'Hi.'