Coitus on Infinite Earths Ch. 01

Characters: Batman (Ben Affleck), The Joker (Jared Leto), Harley Quinn (Margot Robbie)

Non-Sex Characters: Henchmen, Jonny Frost (Jim Parrack), Commissioner Gordon (J.K. Simmons), Alfred Pennyworth (Jeremy Irons)

Codes: M/M/F, Cons, Cumshot, Oral, Anal, Rough, Action Violence

Disclaimer: A fanfic that's completely fictional that probably has never and will never happen? Why I never! Yes this is complete fantasy and never happened. As usual, feedback is more than welcomed! Note: I do not own any of the characters or locations used in this story. The DC Extended Universe is own by Warner Bros., based off characters from DC Entertainment.

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The Joker was bored and there's nothing more dangerous than a bored Joker and never wanting to disappoint his Harley, he decided to take her out on a romantic stroll through the streets of Gotham City...If your idea of a romantic stroll is a spur-of-the-moment bank heist. But for every time the two madly in love clowns just take a breath, there's a Bat watching over them.

*6:34 PM Bank of Gotham*

*EXPLOSION*

The Joker has just conducted his latest nefarious crime against Gotham City by robbing the Bank of Gotham of $4 million. The scheme was surprisingly spur of the moment as he took only 7 days of plan all of this out, which is a record for him. He had a team of 11 people, including himself, Harley Quinn, and Mr. Frost: 1 Man would hack the security system, 3 would work the crowd, 2 drivers and 2 passengers to help escape with the loot, which just left Frost, Quinn, and J to grab the money.

"WHEEEEEEE!" Harley gleefully exclaimed as she and her Puddin' made a daring escape in a SWAT van to dry to divert any attention away from them. J did have ideas for custom made purple SWAT vans but he didn't want to spend the money and it would've been too time consuming and not to mention, unsubtle. Joker and subtlety? That's a good joke.

"Hurry Poo, we have no time to waste!" Joker exclaimed as they now were now driving back to Joker's Funland, which was basically the old Sionis Steel Mill. They drove underneath the highway to further escape the oncoming onslaught of police just waiting to bust them.

"Money money money MONEY!" Harley giggled in a sing-song voice, too excited to contain herself.

"I know my sweet but we're NOT out of this just yet." Joker announced, still driving.

"I know Puddin' but you REALLY know how to treat a girl to a romantic evening!" Harley replied kissing Joker on the cheek.

"Mr. Frost. Come in Mr. Frost." Joker ordered over the walkie-talkie.

"I'm here J." Mr. Frost replied.

"Are you arriving to the backlot of the hangout?" Joker asked.

"We got lots of incoming traffic but we're diverting to a shortcut." Frost said.

"Goodgoodgoodgood!" Joker exclaimed.

"But boss..." Frost asked. "What are you gonna do about Him?" Referring to Batman. Harley squeaked in shock and Joker just growled.

"Oh don't worry. I'll figure something out. J out" Joker replied now driving faster to the hideout of their getaway car.

"Puddin', did you eva think about B-Man?" Harley asked concerned.

"I don't have to Poo." Joker 'reassured' her, holding her chin in his hand. "I'm Joker. You're Harley. He'll be waiting for us. Hehehehehe!"

Joker & Harley arrived to the getaway car, which was a purple Lamborghini that J had custom made. The only thing that had to be done was to blow up the SWAT van. Harley had 2 explosive charges that she brought along, ready to detonate. She placed the charges on either side of the van and quickly got in the Lamborghini.

"C'mon get in!" Joker ordered to Harley.

"On it!" Harley responded. About being more than 70 feet away from the van, Harley finally detonated the charges as Joker drove off.

"KABLOOMY!" Harley exclaimed as the van exploded.

"Hahahahahahahahaaaaaa WE DID IT POO!" Joker shouted as they had actually pulled this heist off.

"You are the best Puddin'!" Harley exclaimed in applause as they both began to laugh and go full speed ahead.

"Mr. Frost, have you arrived to the hideout yet?" Joker asked but there was no response. "Mr. Frost?" Joker asked again. Harley started to worry. "Maybe the reception in that part of town sucks?" She asked. "MR. FROST?" Joker shouted. "This can't be good. I know, I'll radio Bozo. He should be keeping tabs on us all." Bozo was the hacker who diverted attention away from the police.

"Bozo, ya there?!" Joker asked.

"I am J but..." Bozo said, communication started to fade out. "Yes?" Joker asked. "Someone is interfering with our..." *SCREEEEEEEEEEEEECH* the feed cut out.

"It has to be the reception right?" Joker growled. Harley just shook her head, knowing what it really was. The two vehicles with the money passed through the Gotham Post-Gazette, which had a wide, dark alleyway. Suddenly, lights began to flash in the darkened alley. Blueish white strobe lights flashed and an engine violently roared like a predator ready to stalk its prey. It was The Batman and he was gunning straight for Joker and his crew.

"Someone's been screwing with our comms!" Geezer exclaimed driving the truck on the left while trying to talk to the truck on the right.

"It's Him!" Mr. Frost exclaimed. "I freaking knew that piece of garbage would show up!"

"Yo Jonny, what do we do?" Said Razer in the passenger seat. Grabbing a sub machine, Mr. Frost moved to the back of the truck. "I'm ready for him!" It didn't take long for Batman to make his presence known as the engine of the Batmobile screeched like a dragon.

"OHH SHIT!" Mr. Frost exclaimed noticing the Batmobile. "Step on it!" Frost ordered as he open the doors in the back and he and Razer began to fire. "Gordy, get Sappy and Frowny to fire at 'im!" Geezer ordered from the other truck. "Tell them to take off, we'll handle the Bat!" Frost ordered. "Drive back to the Funhouse, we'll stay here!"

The truck went full speed ahead, luckily not heading into any upcoming traffic as Batman still continued to chase them. "C'MON BATS!" Razer shouted, still firing at him to no avail. "Shit, we gotta lose him!" Geezer shouted. "There, Morella Constructions! We can lose him there!" Morella Constructions was, well under reconstruction after the grueling battle Batman had with Clayface the week prior that ended with Clayface literally being drained as the site is near an underground tunnel that leads toward a sewer.

"LOSE HIM!' Frost ordered as he used up what remained of the ammunition. "I'm trying goddamnit!" Geezer shouted as he entered the site, which only caused Batman to press on even faster. "We're out!" Razer shouted now out of ammo as Frost shut the doors. Just then, Batman drifted the the Batmobile at full speed, looking to ram the truck. "Oh jeez, he's right for..." Frost shouted but was cut off when the Batmobile made contact as the truck tipped over and started grind against the ground.

"Uggggggh jeez!" Frost moaned as the bruises were already building up.

"Owwwwww." Geezer and Razer groaned.

Just as Frost was about to reach for his personal pistol that dropped on the ground, Batman placed his steel-toed boot on his hand.

"UUUGGH." Frost groaned, pleading for Batman to let go. "Where's your boss?" Batman asked. "I'm not telling you nothin'!" Frost yelled. "Wrong answer." Batman whispered as he grabbed Frost's bleeding left hand and dragged him and eventually held him up against the wall.

"I'm gonna count to 1 and then I'm going to get mad!" Batman growled.

"OKOKOKOKOK I'll tell you!" Geezer begged.

"Talk." Batman ordered as he grabbed Frost's pistol and took it apart.

"Joker and Harley are heading or already at the Funhouse! With the dough!" Geezer said bitterly.

"Geezer, I swear to Christ I'm gonna..." *SMACK* Batman punches him knocking him out cold.

"The police will be here shortly." Batman said sternly as he returned to the Batmobile. "Even think about reaching for that knife and I'll make you regret it for the rest of your life." Batman said bluntly as he slightly turned his head to look at Razer.

"Commissioner." Batman said over the radio, talking to Commissioner Jim Gordon. "Batman? Oh am I glad to here from you! Have managed to capture Joker yet?" "Not yet, Jim but I do have some of his 'boys' here and half the money. I'm going to go after him and Harley Quinn next. Sending you the location now." Batman explains as he enters the Batmobile to chase after Joker, Harley, and the rest of the money.

Batman, wasting no time, drove off into the tunnels near the sewer which, coincidentally, was located right near the Carnival. "Master Wayne?" The voice of Alfred Pennyworth said over the radio. "Alfred?" Bruce Wayne replied, not using the voice changer. "It was bedlam at the Bank but thankfully, nobody was severely hurt." Alfred said. "I'm sure of it." Batman replied. "Keep me posted."

Driving through the tunnels, Batman noticed the passage way that lead directly to the sewers. He hoped, nay PRAYED to whatever deity was up there that he didn't run into Killer Croc tonight as he already had enough on his plate tonight as it was.

"I don't like this Puddin'." Harley voiced her concerns as they approached the Carnival. "I don't either but at least we got away with it." Joker replied, clearly in a rush. "When we arrive, hide the money in the money right by the Smelting Chamber." There were three different safes located throughout the Steel Mill. Eventually, they arrived to the Steel Mill and parked near the secret garage. Harley did what she was told and hid the money in the safe near the Smelting Chamber as Joker just knew Batman was on his way.

"Batman is on his way!" Joker said over the intercom. "Arm yourselves with anything around. Machine guns, pistols, bats, knives ANYTHING." Joker growled pacing back and forth. He's battled the Bat long enough to know his every move.

"Stupid rotten Bat, ruining our date night!" Harley protested to herself as she finally place the money in the safe. She then grabbed her trusty bat and prepared for the inevitable.

"Alfred, I'm heading over to the old Sionis Steel Mill. That's where they'll be." Batman said, now using the voice changer. "Stay safe Master Bruce. Who knows what those two maniacs are planning." Alfred replied. Batman eventually arrived to the Steel Mill but he made sure to park it as far back away from the location as possible to not bring any attention. Turning on his radio, he began to listen in any conversations and heard two henchmen's' voices.

"Why am I stuck pulling Scout?" The first thug said.

"Even though you were once a high ranking member of Black Mask's outfit, you still gotta 'pay' your dues." The second thug replied.

"I stabbed that guy 10 times in my initiation, just like J said!"

"I know but he still want his guys to go through the ringer. I've been working with J for a year now and don't regret it."

"Then why are ya out here then?"

"To baby sit you." Batman finally appeared near the Steel Mill, still listening in but not wanting to be spotted. He found a backdoor into the facility. He searched around, "taking in" the décor. Everything from crude paintings to chimneys and the works. Some "Funland." Batman then noticed a room that had all of Joker and Harley's "toys." Included in this collection were: boxing glove gun, Harley's mallet, a hula-hoop with barbwire, purple-crested bazooka, exploding cards, and the one that Joker seemed to value the most: a bloody crowbar. Batman was instantly triggered with flashbacks of the video Joker sent of him.

"Jason..." Batman whispered to himself as he started to huff and puff. Joker loved playing with Batman and what "better" way to do so than to hold a monument to Batman's greatest failure. He marched to Joker's location, feeling the sound of the crowbar hitting Jason's body with ever step he took, remembering the reason why he's still even doing this. Batman went into one of the many air vents and crawled in them while listening in on the conversations.

"Let's say the Bat comes here and we end up killing him: what then boss?" One of Joker's goons asked.

"We burn the body and we leave Gotham for good." Joker said bluntly.

"Are you sure boss?"

"It is the onnnnly thing I can think of." Joker replied.

"Coming Mista J!" Harley announced as she made her return.

"Ah Pumpkin you're here! I was just saying how we'll escape once we kill the Bat!" Joker exclaimed holding her chin in his hand as he pinched her cheek. Harley simply let out an excited squeaked as she bounced up and down. "NOW, no time to lose. Harley, I want you to get the boys ready for Batman and get YOUR gun ready while I set up my newest trap!"

"What kinda trap Puddin'?" Harley asked as she got ready. "You'll see hehehehehehehehehe!" Joker gleefully giggled as he retreated to...Wherever it was he was heading to.

"Listen up boys, the Bat is on his way. WHATEVA you boys need, I got 'em right here!" Harley said. "Knives, bats, pipes, chains whateva ya like!

"Alfred, Joker plans on killing me and leaving Gotham with the other half of the money." Batman whispered as he waited for the right moment to strike down.

"Do you think he'll win?" Alfred quips rhetorically.

"Of course not." Batman "jokes" in his broody voice. "I can't get a read on the side of the Mill that he's on. Send me the schematics on that side Alfred will you?"

"Already ahead of you but...That place is rundown and hasn't been in operation in a while so updates will not come as instantaneous as usual." Alfred replied.

"Thanks Al. Batman out."

"I cannot wait to drag Batman by his stupid cape!" One thug shouted. "He's gonna be a mere stain on the floor by the time we're done with him." Another said.

5 Minutes had passed. Batman was trying to get a read on who exactly would be his first target of the thirteen men currently present. Suddenly, he spotted a man with a 115 HBM and was carrying a pipe. "Master Wayne, I got the outline of Joker's area. It seems like he's currently looking at what looks to be a huge safe near the Smelting Chamber on the East Wing of the Mill." Alfred answered. "Right on time. What would I ever do without you Alfred?" Bruce whispered jokingly. "You didn't learn how to tie your shoes until you were 11 Master Wayne so what do you think?" "Batman out." Batman whispered again changing on the voice changer.

"Time to introduce myself." Batman said to himself. Opening his wings, he glided down to the floor and kicked the back of the man with the 115 HBM. "It's the friggin' Bat!" One thug shouted as tried to swing a 2x4 at Batman but Batman quickly countered that as he broke it in half and snapped his right arm with a takedown/stomp. Batman quickly fired Explosive Gel, which caused the rest of the twelve men to be dazed and confused, giving Batman more time to take the rest of them out.

"MY ARRRRRRRM!" The thug Batman just took out screamed. "No no don't!" Batman grabbed one dazed thug and throat punched him.

"HEY B-MAN GO EASY ON MY BOYS!" Harley Quinn shouted as Batman threw another thug halfway across the room with ease. "Oooooh that's gonna hurt everywhere in the mornin'!" Harley winced.

Another thug rushed up to Batman with a knife and tried to shank him but Batman, calm and calculating, was able to swiftly dodge the knife as he squeezed the thug's hand and dropped the knife as he brought his head to his knees and knocked him out cold. "I hate you so much!" Another thug shouted as he charged at Batman and managed to successfully tackle him to the ground but that advantage wouldn't last long as Batman mounted him and punched him in the back of the head, knocking him unconscious.

"Three down, 10 more to go." Batman thought to himself as he continued to combat the rest of the thugs. "LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!" Harley Quinn shouted to one of her boys but before the still dazed thug could turn around, Batman smashed his head against the wall, knocking him out cold. The rest of the remaining 8 clowns began to gang up on Batman but he quickly thwarted them off. One clown took a couple of boxing shots to the body before taking a knee to the head.

Two more clowns circled around him and attempted to knife Batman but he used his gauntlets to break the blades as he headbutted both of them, one of them being knocked out instantly while the other just went down dazed.

"I CAN SEE YA SLOWIN' DOWN BAT-BRAIN! Feeling the pressure?!" Harley teased. As soon as she spoke, Batman ran up to one charging clown and used both of their momentums and did a spin-out slam to the ground, the sound of skull hitting the ground. "Uh forget what I said just now!" Harley commented nervously.

Two more clowns ran up to Batman and while he was able to knock one down, the other was able to knock Batman down and began to stomp him and started to wail on him with the 2x4. "STOMP HIM!!" Harley Quinn commanded and they did. Stomping him on the ground, wearing him at as they laughed as another clown joined it but Batman eventually began to come back.

Backfisting one clown into unconsciousness, he grabbed the arm of another and blocked the incoming clown with the knife as he extended his leg and kicked him in the shin, a bone snapping as he grabbed the knife and stabbed the clown whose hand he was holding in the thigh. "OOOOOOH SHIT!" The clown screamed.

Now remained one more clown and it was the one he had head-butted. Still reeling and trying to get up, Batman grabbed him by the collar of his jacket, dragged him to a nearby wall and began to throw rapid fire shots to the chest, landing crushing blow after blow. "EASE UP ON HIM BATS!" Harley Quinn shouted in fear. Batman laid the final blow by throwing a jumping thrust kick onto the thug, his back hitting the wall hard. If the clown wasn't already knocked out from the blows that were just landed, the back of his head hitting the wall definitely did. Batman returned to the center of the room, scowling directly at Harley.

"WHERE. IS. HE QUINN?" Batman asked sternly, not moving an inch nor breaking a sweat. Suddenly, another door burst open and out came another thug with a machine gun. "DIE YOU PIECE OF..." Before he can finish his sentence and fire, Batman took out his grapping hook and used on the clown, bring him toward Batman at great speed before taking a forearm for his troubles. "QUINN." Batman stated as Harley tried to escape, but Batman with his grappling hook got to her before she had a chance to even leave the room as he cornered her.

"Whatcha gonna do, B-Man?!" Harley questioned. "I'm not givin' up Mista J!"

"Harleen." Batman asked calmly. "There's still hope for you. Give up this life. You think he really loves you?"

"Don't question my Puddin'!" Harley Quinn shot back at Batman. "He loves me really!"

"You really think so? How do you know he's not already driving off with the remainder of the money and leaving Gotham? If he REALLY loved you, he would've taken you with him and not have you babysit these clowns as I beat them within an inch of their lives." Batman explained. "I know you're still in there somewhere Harleen."

Harley turned her back and began to cry. Batman had gotten to her. Was all of this worth it? Why even try to be free and do a crazy scheme when there's just always going to be a Bat waiting?

"You know Batman..." Batman was surprised. He wasn't speaking to Harley; He was speaking to Harleen Frances Quinzel. "You're right. What am I even doing anymore?" Harleen said in tears. "I had so much potential as a psychiatrist, thinking I could actually help those who were sick." Batman wasn't sure what to make of this as Harleen began to hug Batman's broad frame.

"I was young and stupid. But I WANTED to follow Joker. I think even he was just as surprised as anyone else." Harleen stated. "I've done awful things. Robin..." Harleen remembered what Harley did. What she did. Joker might've beaten Jason within an inch of his life but it was Harley that dealt the final death blow. "Batman, I am sorry. FOR EVERYTHING. I will comply with the law and serve time to make up for my sins. HELP ME."